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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU - school events

66 replies

natalia112 · 18/07/2023 12:26

I've name changed for anonymity!

Myself and DH have been together 6 years - we each have DC from previous relationships but none together.

My DD is leaving primary school this year and as such has lots of leavers events and assemblies. DH hasn't come to any as he's been at work, and despite it hurting my feelings a bit as he does take time off/leave early for his DC's school events I understood.

However tomorrow the school have a big evening event celebrating the year 6 leavers and it's quite a big deal to the children. It is outside of DH's work hours but on an evening he usually sees his DC.

DH has his DC two evenings a week during the week, as well as staying at our home at the weekend, and Wednesday is one of their usual nights - they live a bit of a distance from us so he usually takes them out near by their home rather than back to ours - he asked if they would like to come to the event and they said no. He has now just left it that he won't be able to come as it's his night with DC.

AIBU to expect DD to be put first this once? I feel DSC have been given the option to see dad but just go to the event but it would mean the world to DD if he step dad is coming too, my ex and his wife will be there so it's more noticeable that DH isn't. Do I need to just suck up that his DC are his priority?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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CattyCattle · 18/07/2023 22:07

I think a lot of dhs use their dc as a get out clause to not do things they don't want to do.

noglow · 18/07/2023 22:13

Gensola · 18/07/2023 20:45

These threads are always so hypocritical and illogical. If OP didn’t want to attend her step son’s event she’d be hung drawn and quartered.

Personally I'd be absolutely fine with that. I don't attend any of my stepchildren events, their parents do

noglow · 18/07/2023 22:16

namechangenacy · 18/07/2023 21:34

I think the line is

If op didn't go to DSc events (she would hate them and is wrong)

If op wants all children to be supported she's wrong.

All roads lead to her being wrong.

That when people say put the children first, they only mean the children of the first family.

I'm gonna go against the grain here but If your dh expected you to go to DSc events and won't do it the other way. That's shitty.

There isn't a rule book to blended families but I'm always slightly suspicious of people who actively encourage the them vs us situation.

Families are five and take not just take

Show quote history

If DH expects OP to go then sure OP should expect the same. But I'm not sure if he does expect her to go or if she goes out of her own free will.

Wishitsnows · 18/07/2023 22:17

I’m not really sure why step parents need to get involved in things school related. Can’t she just tell him about it when she gets home?

namechangenacy · 18/07/2023 22:46

@noglow I don't know if it's just me but I wouldn't actively want go to my DSc school things.

I don't actively want to go to my own children's school things (but I do obviously)

I just can't imagine any sp going ohhh goodie I can't wait to see DSc is school activities. Im sure there are sm who are desperate to attend DSc school things of their own steam... but I suspect it's a v v low number.

carrotcakebae · 18/07/2023 22:49

I doubt your DD is bothered . She got her mum dad and stepmum there . She is fine . Plus your partner doesn't live with his children not see them everyday like he does yours so I don't think he should cancel his evening with his kids

Original poster

natalia112 · 19/07/2023 10:37

I wouldn't say I'm expected as such, but I just naturally would for bigger events and always have, not for DH but for DSC to show our support - and for the poster who said something like it would be different if it was a birthday or graduation, I think for a small child graduating primary school and their big send off is on par with that - atleast to the child.

I do appreciate DD has 3 adults to support her and I'm grateful of that, I guess I'm just a bit upset that DH will miss her biggest event so far, for seeing DSC for an hour of an evening which could have easily been rearranged or just told them that's what we were doing and they can come or not. But I do also see other posters POV.

OP posts:

Stressfordays · 19/07/2023 10:59

I get it OP, my eldest is leaving primary school today and it feels like a huge emotional thing. There is literally only me for my kids and I have to juggle so much to attend everything so they have someone there. Your DD has 3 people there to support her already, its really not needed. Tbh its only a big emotional thing for you and her Dad really, seeing your baby growing up and moving to the next chapter. I guarantee even your DD will be less phased by it then you (my son cant understand why I cried at his leavers assembly 🤣).

Baconisdelicious · 19/07/2023 15:43

On the surface, ex and his partner look to be the 'better' (more involved/ caring) parents

why? Are you saying two is better than one?

Greensleeves · 19/07/2023 15:47

No, he's right to prioritise his regular contact with his own children over attending an event for yours. It would be very hurtful for his children if he were to do otherwise. I do think you need to sit down with him and have a proper conversation about roles and expectations though, since you clearly aren't on the same page (that isn't a criticism, just an observation - I know this stuff is difficult and no two blended families are the same).

Quitelikeit · 19/07/2023 15:47

I don’t think you have made it quite clear to him in the same way you have here.

You might need to spell it out how important it is to you and how you have made the effort for his children and therefore hired in a baby sitter.

You can talk to him again or let the resentment simmer

Greensleeves · 19/07/2023 15:51

natalia112 · 18/07/2023 15:53

And no not obligated, but surely a huge part of getting married and blending our families mean we are now one family and it shouldn't be his kids v my kids, just giving each the attention and time when they need it.

It can't work that way unless you live with all the kids, though, lovely though the principle is; when some of the children are non-resident and on a contact schedule, there will sometimes be clashes of interests and he's right to prioritise seeing his own children in the routine they are used to.

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 12:32

I think the big leaving night is special for your daughter and I can understand your disappointment.

It clearly isn't for him, even for one special night for your daughter, a possibility to rearrange with his older children.

If it was an annual play or something I would say very differently.

But this IS a big night and yet he isn't interested.

I wouldn't be impressed but I suppose you know where you stand.

Reugny · 20/07/2023 17:17

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 12:32

I think the big leaving night is special for your daughter and I can understand your disappointment.

It clearly isn't for him, even for one special night for your daughter, a possibility to rearrange with his older children.

If it was an annual play or something I would say very differently.

But this IS a big night and yet he isn't interested.

I wouldn't be impressed but I suppose you know where you stand.

That's harsh.

More likely if his children are older he's been there and done that so doesn't see it as a big deal particularly when he knows his step-daughter will have 3 adults there to support her.

Oh and incidentially an annual play can be as or even more important to a child due to the role they have in it. (I've been to a few of various children due to them having a leading role.)

Moredrama · 22/07/2023 00:20

OP you need to raise this with your DH differently. You’re not discussing it with the importance that you actually feel about it, you’re dancing around it.

Have another talk with him and say that you understand that it’s his night with his DC and therefore they have been invited, but that you don’t feel them not wanting to attend should mean that he doesn’t attend for your DD and you. Remind him that you attended their important events and had to leave your DD.

I’m sorry but you’re married and a blended family, he can’t just say she’s yours and these are mine. He lives with her and she sees him as an important figure in her life. Just because her Dad and stepmum are there doesn’t mean she won’t miss his presence.
You are expected to do right by his kids but he doesn’t think he has to for yours?! It’s not on.
He needs to speak to his DC again and say obviously I have this event, are you sure you wouldn’t like to come otherwise I won’t see you until (such a day).

HeddaGarbled · 22/07/2023 00:32

These sorts of events are usually tedious, uncomfortable and overlong unless you’re the doting parent (actually, even if you are the doting parent). He’d have come if it wasn’t for his children, who obviously don’t want to go, so I think he’s not being unreasonable.

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