AIBU - school events

[natalia112]

I've name changed for anonymity!

Myself and DH have been together 6 years - we each have DC from previous relationships but none together.

My DD is leaving primary school this year and as such has lots of leavers events and assemblies. DH hasn't come to any as he's been at work, and despite it hurting my feelings a bit as he does take time off/leave early for his DC's school events I understood.

However tomorrow the school have a big evening event celebrating the year 6 leavers and it's quite a big deal to the children. It is outside of DH's work hours but on an evening he usually sees his DC.

DH has his DC two evenings a week during the week, as well as staying at our home at the weekend, and Wednesday is one of their usual nights - they live a bit of a distance from us so he usually takes them out near by their home rather than back to ours - he asked if they would like to come to the event and they said no. He has now just left it that he won't be able to come as it's his night with DC.

AIBU to expect DD to be put first this once? I feel DSC have been given the option to see dad but just go to the event but it would mean the world to DD if he step dad is coming too, my ex and his wife will be there so it's more noticeable that DH isn't. Do I need to just suck up that his DC are his priority?

This. My DH rarely makes events for our joint children. I rarely make events for my DSS. I do when I can but I’m already spread quite thin.

There really isn't any competition between myself and ex and his wife. We actually get along quite well and parent together. It's not a "them" and "us"'I simply mention them coming as if it was just a daytime event that only I as her mum or just her dad could attend it wouldn't matter as much.

Sorry if I missed it but does your DD's father attend school events?

How old are his dc?

If they are independent older teens, he could perhaps have asked them if they'd a) like to come along to their little step sister's event, or b) swap days/do something particularly fun at the weekend. Especially as there would be no childcare implications for his ex.

If they're a similar age to your dd or younger, well, seeing his dc is a prior commitment & to change it, he'd be asking everyone to shuffle things around to accommodate his dsd - when presumably he lives with her, & not his own dc. I can see why he wouldn't want to send his dc that message, honestly.

Have you talked to him?

I don't understand why there are so many posters shouting that his dc come first and are the priority. That's not very blended considering he's your husband!

I would hate the school event as I hated all my own dcs school events but I do think he should make the effort if you also make the effort. Maybe try talking to him and telling him that this is really important to you.

The unreasonable thing is that there's lots of events in the first place .... when did this start? Mine are only early 20's and there was a daytime assembly (max 2 tickets per child) and a disco/bbq (no parents attend unless volunteering) schools are making it so difficult for families and meaning there's lots of kids who parents can't or won't attend. My now exh never attended, dd reminds him now when he means she never visits him!

Back to the op, he sees his kids, their mum may rely on it, just have a family finished primary school meal, we went to pizza express

I say that as someone who is picking up the pieces regularly when dsd's mum doesn't prioritise her DD's - I shouldn't have to step in but I will and they appreciate it, as young adults they are fully aware

I'm a bit torn. Since you go to his children's events I think ideally he would have brought his dc to your dd's event. But otoh, he has to be careful not to make his dc feel they are not his priority since he lives with your child but not his own - children can be very sensitive to this.

It's uncomfortable in a step family situation where people are raising kids day to day that aren't theirs, but the truth is that people love their own children the most and will generally do what makes their own kids happier. I think this would be worse if your dh was her only father figure, but she has a loving and involved father so your husband is a nice bonus but not an essential, even if dd is very fond of him (and him, her).

Maybe adjust a little on inconveniencing yourself and your dd to do your dsc school events, since this is their parents job.

If he's leaving work early for his own kids events it's a bit cheeky to expect to leave early for someone else's kids events

He is under no obligation to treat your kid like one of his and prioritise her over his actual kids. But this works both ways.

Sorry I should have said - his DCs are older than mine and are able to be (and often are) left home alone by mum so childcare isn't an issue for her if the evenings were changed around.

I have spoken to DH - but in quite a low key way as I genuinely am not really sure if I'm being unreasonable.

I said it's a shame he wouldn't be able to make it as I know it would mean a lot to DD to have him there, and the response was that he would have if it wasn't on a night he had his DC or if they wanted to come.

And no not obligated, but surely a huge part of getting married and blending our families mean we are now one family and it shouldn't be his kids v my kids, just giving each the attention and time when they need it.

But it is his kids and your kids. That is reality.

OP you're being NUTS. Your DD with have THREE parental figures there. Most kids will be lucky to get 1. My own kids get just me, IF I can make it as I am a widowed parent.

Your DD does not need four adults to watch her leave primary school. Madness. You need some perspective.

It's such a non issue. My dc left primary last week and in one week had a concert (daytime) and evening leavers event. I attended both on my own. Dc didn't need 2 parents there, she didn't even want me there cramping her party! I made sure I told dh all about it though when I got home. It was riveting stuff.

Is there any reason why he can’t leave his t home and go with you?

@ladyvimes because it just wouldn't make sense for DH to pick them up and them leave them in our home on their own while we go out, then come home and take them back home again? The aim of the evenings DH has them is to spend time together, if their home alone they could do it in their own bedrooms at home?

That seems absolutely fair enough

No it doesn't. It's more of a sometimes you are the 5 of you (is it 5 sorry I lost count), sometimes you are your two seperate units and if there's a shared DC there's all sorts of variations in between depending who is where.

These threads are always so hypocritical and illogical. If OP didn’t want to attend her step son’s event she’d be hung drawn and quartered.

I think the line is

If op didn't go to DSc events (she would hate them and is wrong)

If op wants all children to be supported she's wrong.

All roads lead to her being wrong.

That when people say put the children first, they only mean the children of the first family.

I'm gonna go against the grain here but If your dh expected you to go to DSc events and won't do it the other way. That's shitty.

There isn't a rule book to blended families but I'm always slightly suspicious of people who actively encourage the them vs us situation.

Families are five and take not just take

It’s your DH’s night with his own children so if course they come first. If it was a graduation or ‘big’ birthday then I could understand your disappointment, but it’s the end of primary school and your daughter already has 3 adults attending for her.

His kids come first. He can’t sack them off for the night so he can go to something with your DC.