Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

How to accommodate step children in your house

117 replies

Whyseverythingsocomplicated · 07/07/2023 13:34

i have a 4 bedroom house and there has been talk of my partner moving in, in the near future. I have twins a boy and girl who are 8 and they currently have a room of their own. My partner has a 14 yr old daughter and 12 yr old son and has them 3 nights a week. But unless I make some drastic changes to the house then there arent enough bedrooms for everyone. What does everyone else do in similar situations? Is it unreasonable for my son to share a room with his son?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MeridianB · 08/07/2023 10:36

Trust your instincts- there’s no need for him to move in and it’s really early days. I agree with others that the benefit is all for him and not for any of the children.

Also agree it will be interesting to see how he reacts when you set the boundary. This will tell you a lot.

I can’t help wondering if he’s got financial pressures or landlord is selling up - something other than undying love which has been a catalyst here.

Quitelikeit · 08/07/2023 10:44

You don’t really know someone until at least 3 years! It’s far too soon to create the disruption in your kids lives

Sure have sleepovers often to see how you all rub along - holiday together too as that could be an eye opener

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2023 10:46

“Help around the house”?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/07/2023 11:03

MeridianB · 08/07/2023 10:36

Trust your instincts- there’s no need for him to move in and it’s really early days. I agree with others that the benefit is all for him and not for any of the children.

Also agree it will be interesting to see how he reacts when you set the boundary. This will tell you a lot.

I can’t help wondering if he’s got financial pressures or landlord is selling up - something other than undying love which has been a catalyst here.

Agree with all of this.

I can't even imagine considering merging households in these circumstances.

Maintain your independence. Don't disrupt your kids' home.

Newestname002 · 08/07/2023 14:50

@Whyseverythingsocomplicated

To be totally honest I’m happy as I am living with my kids and am in no rush for him to move in. My partner on the other hand unfortunately doesn’t feel the same.

It's not really up to him though is it? Why blend homes, resulting in squeezing everyone's space and loss of privacy for the children so early into your relationship?

I hope you manage to stand strong if he tries to persuade you to do something he's more keen on than you. 🌹

Roundandnour · 08/07/2023 15:04

Why does he want to move in?

even if you were happy to move him in I wouldn’t be making assumptions about how much he would be paying. Housework and all the other crap that involves living together and children involved.

If you own there’s also the legal implications in regards to how he contributes.

Nobodywantsme · 08/07/2023 15:18

I’d be questioning his motives. Financial perhaps? Or he’s insecure and wants feet properly under the table asap. Either way The older kids are at an age where they won’t want to be knocking about with your 8yr olds and your 8 yr olds don’t need to be listening to stroppiness and teenage dramas. So he sleeps at yours some nights when he doesn’t have his kids and at his own place when he does. If you’re still together and happy in 5 years, he comes to yours and you build an annex in the garden or something so that his young adult kids can come and crash from time to time. Whatever you do, your kids come first by a country mile, if you always put there needs first you won’t make any stupid choices.

nevynevster · 08/07/2023 15:18

14 and 12 years are just the start of teens and let me tell you the changes are drastic from now on! Rooms become very important as they retreat to their own space and I think they'd struggle to cope with a new household setup and no space that is just theirs. 3 night a week is almost half the time so not insignificant.
So I'd say you need an extra room somehow

Louoby · 08/07/2023 17:35

I wouldn't make your children share with step brother/sister. It's unfair and they loose their "space" as being there own. equally I wouldn't put your children into share when there are empty bedrooms. The best thing to do is put his children in one room, perhaps second biggest, but divide it in a way that they get their own space. Put a divide up, or bunk beds that block the other side etc. please don't make your children share with other kids. They'll hate it.

Gpnever · 08/07/2023 17:40

My mum made her partners kids move in with us when I was 8, I hated them, I hated sharing my house with strangers. Nowhere felt like it belonged to me.

I know on mumsnet the attitude is sometimes that kids just need put up with it, but I would really think hard about whether u want to do this to your kids.

your partner has a house where he can be with his kids, can’t he just stay with you when he hasn’t got them? Your kids will thank you for it I can guarantee it

Darkandstormynite · 08/07/2023 17:52

This reminds me of that old joke, 'what do you call a musician without a girlfriend....homeless'

But in your case its more, 'what do you call a man who rents and has kids.....desperate to move in'.

He's trying to push you along on his timetable OP because it suits him. It does not in anyway suit your kids. Your children's welfare is not top of his priority list, just make sure you keep it at the top of yours.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/07/2023 22:21

Gpnever · 08/07/2023 17:40

My mum made her partners kids move in with us when I was 8, I hated them, I hated sharing my house with strangers. Nowhere felt like it belonged to me.

I know on mumsnet the attitude is sometimes that kids just need put up with it, but I would really think hard about whether u want to do this to your kids.

your partner has a house where he can be with his kids, can’t he just stay with you when he hasn’t got them? Your kids will thank you for it I can guarantee it

This.

Prioritize your kids. He's just looking for financial relief and a helper. On a year's acquaintance!

2bazookas · 08/07/2023 22:32

He should stay at his place with his kids, for their three nights. That way they get more attention from and contact with their dad; and your children are not disrupted from their rooms.

Lucy377 · 08/07/2023 22:39

Think of it this way.

What if your friend said she was moving in to share your bedroom with her 3 nights a week.
And you had no choice in the matter.

That's what it feels like for children too.
They don't just have less feelings because they are kids. It's just they are easier to oppress.

Geppili · 09/07/2023 00:28

Why is he pushing to move in together? What is your financial situation like?

SunSurfSand · 09/07/2023 03:58

I read your updates- it's so good to see someone putting themselves and their children first.

I'm so glad you decided not to move them in.

However, maybe spend some time thinking about how or why he convinced you that moving in was the right plan- even though you don't want it.

Unless you want more children, I don't see why you would join households at all before your children are grown up. It would be so disruptive to go from two of your own to a blended household of 6 people- including moody teenagers.

Radyward · 09/07/2023 07:52

he wants to avoid paying extortionate rent and is disrupting your home and kids to do it. tell him to wait!! youll never get him outvof your house if it goes tits up

IncomingTraffic · 09/07/2023 07:56

I agree that him not moving in is the right decision.

I wouldn’t make my children share rooms with unrelated children. Nor would I be willing to give up a dining room I used and make the house just harder to live in for everyone. Especially after only 18 months.

It’s more convenient for him. But a terrible deal for you and your children.

Original poster

Whyseverythingsocomplicated · 16/07/2023 17:06

So ive had the conversation with my partner and it didn’t go down too well. He said he doesn’t want to rent for another 4 or 5 years (but I realise this isn’t my problem). Then whilst talking about other subjects he said how he really struggles looking after his kids and himself which was another “red flag”. I’ve told him I’m in no rush to move him in or his children but I think he just took offence saying I don’t want his kids. Which to be honest with myself I don’t. I have enough parenting my own and his son is so mischievous and naughty at school, I don’t want the bad influence around my kids and I simply wouldn’t trust him in my home. Am I being totally selfish? I think if I didn’t have my own kids to think about it would different. I also feel like if I’m not ready now will I ever be?

OP posts:

Darkandstormynite · 16/07/2023 17:22

Doesn't want to rent for 4-5 years

Translation: why should I be paying money when I cam sponge off you? Also, I've put you on a stopwatch to fall in line with what I want because I'm not hanging around if you don't do what I want.

He said how he really struggles looking after his kids

Translation: I actually want you to parent my children. Definitely a red flag.

This guy is literally shouting at you what his agenda is: Subsidise me, parent my kids and put yours last.

Why would you even begin to imagine you are the selfish one??

I think you're right, throw this one back.

sweepleall · 16/07/2023 17:22

It's absolutely fine to be selfish - you have responsibility for you and your children. If living with him and his children won't make you happier, don't do it.

I don't think it means you won't ever be ready - maybe not with this guy who definitely has some red flags - but with someone else.

I think, if feasible, the way to do this properly is to wait quite a while to get to know each other really well, then to buy a new property together which has enough space for everyone. I think moving people into an existing family home is always going to be difficult

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/07/2023 17:24

*I also feel like if I’m not ready now will I ever be?

There's an I'm and I in that sentence and no we. Meaning your children. He has TOLD you why he wants to move in with you. He doesn't want to rent and struggles to look after himself and his children 🙄 Why on earth do you think that him and his kids are the responsibility of you and your kids?
I don't know what to tell you really. You would be an absolute mug to house him and his kids at the (vast) expense of your own kids. They will not benefit in any way, shape or form. I personally wouldn't do that to my children. Their wellbeing comes first. Not some bloke I've been seeing for 18 months! and his offspring. I've got a feeling he will wear you down. He doesn't sound daft and fair play to him I suppose.

nevynevster · 16/07/2023 17:26

He's being a bit dramatic here ! You didn't say 5 years, you said "not now"!

But in any case I agree there are now some other red flags. I mean we all struggle with our kids at times but it feels as if he thinks you would be à solution for him. I think you are right to hold your ground and say "no" to this idea. If he rakes umbrage then that tells you everything

Autumnsoon · 16/07/2023 17:27

Why would you do this to yourself
your just getting 3 more people to clear up after ,run round after and cook and doing washing for .
you haven’t enough bedrooms ,his kids should definitely share ,not your kids .
funny how he’s suggesting moving in with you ,not suggesting going halves on the 5 bed you would actually all need ,and you rent out your house ..
no ,coz that would cost a lot more money ..
its all nicely set up for him ,nice and easy to move in with u and have everything taken care of

Lilyt14 · 16/07/2023 17:29

Looks like you’ve had a lucky escape OP, he’s openly admitting that his reasons for wanting to move in where a) financial and b) so that you could become the unpaid nanny.

It also sounds like he was trying to guilt trip you with the “you obviously don’t want my kids” crap. Well done for holding your ground.

You’re not being selfish, you don’t owe him lodgings / childcare and you’re absolutely right, him renting isn’t your problem or responsibility.

Personally I can’t see how you can move forwards, if I were you I’d call an end to the relationship now that he’s shown his true colours.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread