AIBU?! Child arrangements

[namechange4357]

I'm a mother of 3. My partner has a child from a previous relationship too.

I can't seem to do anything right anymore.

My partner's job involves ridiculous shift patterns and previously he's had his son on every day off he's had. He's recently changed roles to better his hours and be more present in general, plus a better working environment which is great for him. My children are not his and I never put any pressure on him to help me out/rely on him parenting wise, I've always supported his work.

For a bit of context, his child is the same school year as my middle child. My child has additional needs and is really struggling at the moment particularly at school. I've also recently been in and out of hospital and bed ridden for the last week and a half. I've been so lucky that my mum has been available to pretty much care for me during this time.

I currently live in a 3 bed. All my kids are boys between the age of 14 - 3. I pay for everything. My partner is still stuck paying for a house he owns with his ex and it should have been sold a long time ago. His ex doesn't pay towards the house. To stick the knife in even more, it's now a variable rate mortgage.

I've sat and taken his new rota and I've made the dates in a schedule for him to send his ex partner where we can have his son. Previously, we've had his child here every day off he's had because there's been zero availability for him to see his child during his working hours because how much they rotate and how much they can be extremely unsociable hours. Doing that has been so fucking hard. As my sons SEN needs have gone through the roof recently, while trying to manage everyone else hasn't worked. And to add to the mix now, I'm unwell with chronic pain.

So the new child arrangements for the summer have been two out of three days off, or annual leave he needs to take off to make availability to have his child because they correlate with when my SEN child is mostly with his dad and step mum or when my oldest is at his dads. This frees up a bedroom for my child to be able to have space should things become difficult. My partner now has means to spend time with his son during this time after work or before work. I don't even have an issue with him being at his ex's house. He had the freedom to do what he needs to do with that.

But I'm struggling. Emotionally. Physically. Financially. And to make it that bit harder, his child doesn't even acknowledge me. He had to be prompted to speak to me or respond to something I've said. But I get the blame for that.

He's told me that his ex partner has accused him of not prioritising his child because it's not all three days off and, from my understanding, she's not liked that fact that I've had to factor in my children's needs too. Plus the fact I already can't cover the costs of another child during summer time. I'm off work sick and I'm self employed with no financial support due to their house STILL not being sold. It's in process but my god it's taking forever. I've defaulted on my own accounts, my credit file is fucked after working so hard to try and rectify it.

I'm in a bad headspace at the moment. I can't confront the situation. But I can't help but feel hurt about it all.

Sorry, I know it's long. Thank you if you managed to read it all.

We are conditioned to think being in a relationship is the be all and end all and sometimes that makes us lose ourselves. Have a sit down and think about HOW you have got into this situation and what you can do to fix it. You need to work on your self esteem and boundaries.
No way would I allow a man AND HIS EX tell me what I needed to be doing. My OH of 15 years doesn't tell me what I need to be doing!
Your children need you to put not only them first but YOU too. If you go down what happens to them? You can do this OP, the shit you have being dealing with shows how strong you are. Just redirect it a little for you and your kids. Your strength is wasted on him and his ex.

Christ, get rid. You are not their mother, you don't need to be stressing yourself out to facilitate these relationships between him and his child, his ex etc. you are getting nothing from this?! You don't seem happy, your child is suffering, you are losing money and getting into debt? What are you getting

She’s walked away from the house? Does that mean she’s not taking any of the equity from the house when it’s sold? She’s still responsible for paying it, it will affect her credit rating and the house could be repossessed otherwise. She can’t just leave it to him. He needs to sort this though

Agree with a pp. Stop talking to her , that's for him to sort out.

Just tell him to leave your home ASAP. Have a family member or friends with you for support if you're worried. Just get rid of him. And stop making excuses. Deal with it.

Are you afraid of him op?

Tell him to clear out. Your bank balance will thank you and your children should be your first priority.

Why did you speak to her at all?

If he has no money that's on him. Not your problem

@Mumof4plusbonus yeah, she's demanded 50% equity or she's taking him to court.

@FriendsDrinkBook no, not afraid of him. I just hate the way he's been treated this whole time and tried to support that but now it's to my detriment and taking the piss because he's putting money in her pocket and it's being taken out of mine.

I've spoken to them both today.
Why are you speaking to her? It's him you need to be speaking to. Not asking, not pleading, not bartering, but telling him how it's going to be going forward.

You won't be looking after his child.
You won't be housing either him or his child.
You won't be paying for either him or his child.

Hes a grown man. If he can't afford anything then he needs to get a second job. You are a grown woman, a single parent to three children. They should be your priority. Make it happen.

Well then it’s in her interest that it’s paid or she loses it if it’s repossessed. I doubt she would win in court either though it would probably cost more than it’s worth. How long has he been paying it alone?

@Mumof4plusbonus since they split up. She paid a bit then dumped the house.

Why didn't he move in when she "dumped" the house?

So apparently, according to him, I am volatile to everyone in my life. Because I've broken down and said I can't do this anymore.

He wanted to speak to her Monday about options about the house like it's a brand new thing that's never been discussed before.

Nail in the coffin was I told her that my son was suddenly vomiting. She said she's not keeping her child away from his dad for another week.

I told him we are done and I'll arrange to have his stuff packed.

He's basically saying he's worried about me and how bad my responses are recently to everything and he's doing everything he can to support me.

He said stop making threats then just left to pick up his son.

I can't do this

@namechange4357 why do you keep referring to the logistics of his finances? Look at your own. You are poorer by the tune of £3000 and more because of this man. Stop wasting your time and energy getting embroiled in his affairs.

What does your DM think of him?

How can you respect him OP? He should definitely have got a second job to avoid sponging off of you!

You've gone into florence nightengale mode with him and his sob story. You're not bob the builder 😂

I do have so much sympathy. I had a whirlwind romance and wedding and then was a step mum that got taken advantage of, cheeky AF ex he had too. I felt sooo much better when I pulled myself up and got rid. I did post on MN for about 6 months before I managed it though 😂😂

Pack his stuff and put it on the front step lock the doors and keep the keys in. If he kicks off phone the police.

He has a home he can go to.

I hate the fact I have bipolar too. First thing is people always accuse me of being unreasonable and respond badly to things because of it.

He's basically saying he's worried about me and how bad my responses are recently to everything and he's doing everything he can to support me.

Of course he's worried. His personal atm is shutting down. Its a typical response when a manipulating person starts losing control of their victim ( ie you).

Lock your door, dont let him in. Switch your phone off. You've got this.

"I sat up the hospital with you all night last night"

OHHHHH LUCKY ME THANK YOU

Only thought I needed to have emergency surgery or some shit. Fuck.

I think you might have posted about this before. My advice is the same. His problem is not your problem. He's telling you he's worried about you because he thinks that will stop you from kicking him out.
Just kick him out! He doesn't get to argue the toss about this. If he won't go, get your mum round. You could call the police if it comes to that, he has no right to be in your house. You are spending money that you need for your own children, on another family, because they won't respect your wishes. Time to make this stop, OP. I guarantee both you and your son will feel much better once you get your home to yourselves.

No, first time posting. It's all come to a head today and I've just snapped.

Of course he’s going to make out you’re the problem. He’s not going to admit that he’s taking the piss, is he?

Breathe OP, breathe. You actually have the upper hand if only you realised it. Your home, your money. Just don't speak to him, either in person or text, for a day or two. Use that time to pack his belongings up then text him a day/time to pick it up from your shed/garage.

Just stop responding. You told him it was over. Remember, you are the one with the actual control, he's only got the gift of the gab. Dont let him use it.

Oh OP, what can we do to help? You CAN do this. You deal with their shit, you can deal with anything.

In that case she will be entitled to less that half the equity, in the proportion of how long she paid over the total time until it's sold.
But whatever, it's their problem not yours. Get rid of him and get him and his problems out of your head.
Think about yourself and your children, and only give your precious time to those who love you