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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU?! Child arrangements

166 replies

namechange4357 · 07/07/2023 07:26

I'm a mother of 3. My partner has a child from a previous relationship too.

I can't seem to do anything right anymore.

My partner's job involves ridiculous shift patterns and previously he's had his son on every day off he's had. He's recently changed roles to better his hours and be more present in general, plus a better working environment which is great for him. My children are not his and I never put any pressure on him to help me out/rely on him parenting wise, I've always supported his work.

For a bit of context, his child is the same school year as my middle child. My child has additional needs and is really struggling at the moment particularly at school. I've also recently been in and out of hospital and bed ridden for the last week and a half. I've been so lucky that my mum has been available to pretty much care for me during this time.

I currently live in a 3 bed. All my kids are boys between the age of 14 - 3. I pay for everything. My partner is still stuck paying for a house he owns with his ex and it should have been sold a long time ago. His ex doesn't pay towards the house. To stick the knife in even more, it's now a variable rate mortgage.

I've sat and taken his new rota and I've made the dates in a schedule for him to send his ex partner where we can have his son. Previously, we've had his child here every day off he's had because there's been zero availability for him to see his child during his working hours because how much they rotate and how much they can be extremely unsociable hours. Doing that has been so fucking hard. As my sons SEN needs have gone through the roof recently, while trying to manage everyone else hasn't worked. And to add to the mix now, I'm unwell with chronic pain.

So the new child arrangements for the summer have been two out of three days off, or annual leave he needs to take off to make availability to have his child because they correlate with when my SEN child is mostly with his dad and step mum or when my oldest is at his dads. This frees up a bedroom for my child to be able to have space should things become difficult. My partner now has means to spend time with his son during this time after work or before work. I don't even have an issue with him being at his ex's house. He had the freedom to do what he needs to do with that.

But I'm struggling. Emotionally. Physically. Financially. And to make it that bit harder, his child doesn't even acknowledge me. He had to be prompted to speak to me or respond to something I've said. But I get the blame for that.

He's told me that his ex partner has accused him of not prioritising his child because it's not all three days off and, from my understanding, she's not liked that fact that I've had to factor in my children's needs too. Plus the fact I already can't cover the costs of another child during summer time. I'm off work sick and I'm self employed with no financial support due to their house STILL not being sold. It's in process but my god it's taking forever. I've defaulted on my own accounts, my credit file is fucked after working so hard to try and rectify it.

I'm in a bad headspace at the moment. I can't confront the situation. But I can't help but feel hurt about it all.

Sorry, I know it's long. Thank you if you managed to read it all.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AlisonDonut · 07/07/2023 08:17

namechange4357 · 07/07/2023 07:58

@speluncean that's interesting - I didn't know that.

I'll raise it today.

You are focusing on the detail when you should focus on the fact that this man is bring nothing to you but trouble.

Get rid.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 07/07/2023 08:22

He's not your partner OP, he's a leech and he's taking you for a mug.

Original poster

namechange4357 · 07/07/2023 08:25

Would it be unreasonable of me to expect him to pull out of the house sale and move back there permanently?

I'm preparing myself for a conversation with them both to inevitably be told that's the wrong thing to do and that she won't allow it.

OP posts:

IncomingTraffic · 07/07/2023 08:27

Why are you paying for his life? Why are you responsible for his contact arrangements and relationship with his ex?

How does any of this benefit you or your children?

You don’t need to be carefully planning summers if bedroom swapping around everyone else’s schedule. In fact, it’s your house - your children’s house - and you should be able to just have stable bedroom arrangements for them.

This man has a house he can use for him and his child. He should do that. He should sort out his own contact arrangements.

You should concentrate on your children and yourself. His responsibilities and his problems are not yours to solve.

speluncean · 07/07/2023 08:27

If she doesn't "allow" it, whose problem is that?

LimeCheesecake · 07/07/2023 08:27

it might be worth deciding that it’s not your job to fix his problems.

you can ask him to leave - if he doesn’t feel comfortable telling his ex he’s moving back into the house he is paying for, that’s his problem, not yours. If he doesn’t want to live in that house, that’s his job to find a solution not yours.

I would tell him things have come to a head with the summer plans and you want him to move out until at least September. He doesn’t move back in until he’s able to pay a fair share. How that happens is down to him (selling the house, renting it out etc)

you don’t have to raise where he could go, he’s an adult, he can find out for himself. Get some breathing room.

GrazingSheep · 07/07/2023 08:28

Why are you putting yourself and your children in this position? Why is he and his child and his ex more important than your children?

Original poster

namechange4357 · 07/07/2023 08:28

@Notmineagain someone who is in 3 grands worth of debt because of all this and has been promised for it to be repaid with the equity of the house sale.

OP posts:

speluncean · 07/07/2023 08:28

namechange4357 · 07/07/2023 08:28

@Notmineagain someone who is in 3 grands worth of debt because of all this and has been promised for it to be repaid with the equity of the house sale.

I'm sorry op but you've been a fool. Why are you putting yourself in debt for this man?

speluncean · 07/07/2023 08:29

If you don't have that promise in writing it's worth fuck all.

SadKendall · 07/07/2023 08:29

It sounds like you've been together less that 3 years and don't have kids together?

I'd completely step back and stop all admin for him completely. Why do you need to be involved? It's for him to see his own child when he's free.

FriendsDrinkBook · 07/07/2023 08:29

The promise of 3k means nothing op. He is adding to what he owes you daily. You'll save a shit load of money by kicking him out.

IncomingTraffic · 07/07/2023 08:30

namechange4357 · 07/07/2023 08:25

Would it be unreasonable of me to expect him to pull out of the house sale and move back there permanently?

I'm preparing myself for a conversation with them both to inevitably be told that's the wrong thing to do and that she won't allow it.

It would not be unreasonable in the least to tell him that he needs to sort out his own housing.

It doesn’t matter what his ex says or does. That doesn’t determine your life.

He needs to sort his own shit out.

ArcticSkewer · 07/07/2023 08:34

Do you plan to prioritise your own children at any point or are you going to continue supporting people who are not related to them - financially and practically - until they are grown?

Your money is going on other people. Their house space is going on other people. Their mother's mental health is being trashed for other people.

Op, if you can't assert yourself for you, please do it for your children. If you had more money, if they had more space and more of your time, things would be nicer I am sure.

Equalitea · 07/07/2023 08:34

It sounds like he’s using you for a free ride for him and his son.

I wouldn’t have a child that didn’t acknowledge me in my house, it is YOUR house and your children’s house!

Your partners house quite possibly won’t be sold until his son leaves Education age 18, it’s a common judgement made by the courts.

Equalitea · 07/07/2023 08:34

ArcticSkewer · 07/07/2023 08:34

Do you plan to prioritise your own children at any point or are you going to continue supporting people who are not related to them - financially and practically - until they are grown?

Your money is going on other people. Their house space is going on other people. Their mother's mental health is being trashed for other people.

Op, if you can't assert yourself for you, please do it for your children. If you had more money, if they had more space and more of your time, things would be nicer I am sure.

This 💯

MrTiddlesTheCat · 07/07/2023 08:35

namechange4357 · 07/07/2023 08:25

Would it be unreasonable of me to expect him to pull out of the house sale and move back there permanently?

I'm preparing myself for a conversation with them both to inevitably be told that's the wrong thing to do and that she won't allow it.

What's unreasonable of you is that you're giving it any of your headspace. His living arrangements after he leaves yours are entirely his to sort.

Beamur · 07/07/2023 08:35

Your life would be much simpler without this man.
The conflict isn't going away, the debt isn't going away.
Really what is in this for you and your children?

CheeseBandit · 07/07/2023 08:37

His house his problem. He needs to move out. This isn’t a good atmosphere for your own children. Don’t be surprised if your own children seem happier once he’s gone.
He’s not paying anything so has no rights. Can he move in with his mum/this house asap!?

Equalitea · 07/07/2023 08:39

As for the £3k. Cut your losses, IF the house ever sells who says you’ll even be together, let alone whether he himself will cut and run with the money when he no longer needs you and the complications of a child younger than his and an SEN child. (I say this as a mother of grown up children with SEN, who went to specialist school).

rookiemere · 07/07/2023 08:41

OP this is hard to read, you're clearly a kind person. Read your own posts - if it wasn't you what would you advise that person to do ? Your good nature is being taken advantage of.

Quartz2208 · 07/07/2023 08:42

All of your answers are still centred around him, his needs and issues.

your middle child is clearly struggling and your partner is taking advantage of you you need to put yourself and your kids first ad prioritise them. Which means he has to go. And I suspect your mum tells you the same

and you really have been spun a story about hownawful his ex is

Original poster

namechange4357 · 07/07/2023 08:47

Thank you all. To those of you who have said I'm not prioritising my children, as harsh as that is to read, you're right.

I can't parent when I'm broken.

I'll be having the conversation today.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 07/07/2023 08:51

I don't get this at all.

You write as if you don't have a choice whether you date him or not.

Do you not?

I have absolutely no idea why you ever entertained dating him in the first place, let alone why you keep on trying to find solutions rather than just end it.

HuckingFellHire · 07/07/2023 08:53

Dump him and his little brat, close the door behind him and live your own life.

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