My step child is ruining my pregnancy!

[mumma2023]

Horrible subject I know but hoping to draw in some help....

I am a mum to 1 boy and currently 5 months pregnant due in Oct.

My partner has two girls from a previous marriage aged 14 and 11. The 11 year old is giving me really bad vibes...I am genuinely already slightly concerned I am starting to resent a child for the impact she is having on my relationship and pregnancy...

Background - Typically had a good relationship with his children whom we see 3 days a week (50/50) although always had the impression the 11 year old is your typical "too early teen" she often throwing tantrums on days out and secluding herself from any fun our family activities. Often refusing to sit at the same table, take part in games and will wear headphones to avoid any social situation. Refuses to say Hi when arrives and will outright stare me out if she's not happy with a topic of conversation. I initially sought therapy to try and be more understanding of the fact that this is a child, going through puberty and I may need to look at things differently.

I found I was pregnant in Feb and saw the fear of life in my partner at sharing the news...(baby was discussed, planned for a little later but I had been off birth control for a total of 8 months) I was swiftly sworn to secrecy and was unable to share the news at all and felt even telling my family was a long drawn out decision ahead of the 12 weeks.

All 3 children were told to which 11 year old refuses to see dad for the next week whilst she "process's" the news.

Upon finding out the gender of baby and 10 mins before entering the scan my partner approached to say 11 year old doesn't want the baby to be a boy because she doesn't want it to be too much like Dad. He spent a good 5 times pointing out to said 11 year old that the gender race favours females...all the while I already knew baby was boy, instinct is real and the pregnancy was so similar to my previous..baby is a boy.

I'm slowly starting to feel resentful not just because every step feels uncomfortable but that my partner who by the way is so attentive and supportive in many aspects couldn't be more detached from the obvious issue. He refuses to discuss the baby in front of her and if I raise anything baby related it completely distracts from the subject, 11 year old has never spoken of baby since the news was announced....

Conscious I am hormonal, protective and am discussing what essentially is a child I just want to sanity check I am not just being an a-hole?

Please be gentle I am here for the right reasons

I disagree. She's a part of ops family and op is hers. For a harmonious family unit, op needs to show love, care and reassurance to her sd as well.

@AmaraTamara and given ops post, what gives you impression she's not doing any of these things already.

The only thing she's not doing is disciplining dsd which is rightfully what dad should be doing. Although ops dh isn't.

Women are not rehab or plasters for men who refuse to do the tough parts of parenting.

surely it is totally understandable that a child of 11 would be upset about their parent having another child with a new partner

She's been around for nearly half her life ...

And she has shown love and care, it’s not up to OP to show reassurance to her DH child. It’s up to her father to let her know, he loves her and she is as important as his unborn son.

Why is always "new partner" ...

And again this isn't a step issue although most posters would like to pretend it is.

Most teens are grossed out/upset if their parents have another baby when they are teens.

The two aren't mutually exclusive options. Both dad and step mum can reassure her, which will be a stronger message.

I think it must be really difficult for a child to accept their parents have split up and their Dad has moved on and is now having a new family. Some never accept it. She just sounds like a mixed up pre teen amd you will just have tomdeal with it as best you can. I dont think she should be forced to come to your house if she doesn't want to.

I hope he will be a good dad to your baby but I’d be quite concerned based on his lack of appropriate parenting of his daughter. What’s he like with the other one? Can’t be easy for her or your son to see her getting away with what she is.

Fair enough,I was just trying to look at it from the point of view of the child

Just throwing this into the mix -- there are plenty of kids who see their parent's divorce as the result of something they did (consciously or subconsciously). As the younger of two siblings in her parent's marriage, I bet this is in the mix somewhere. Another kid might well signal the break up of another family unit to her at some level. And she's sure as hell going to stay detached if that's on the cards.
All I see is a little girl who doesn't feel safe and is trying desperately to maintain her boundaries so she doesn't hurt even more.
Frankly none of the adults in her life are helping with this and her bio parents (in particular) need to step up to the plate. I think family counseling is a very good idea but ideally her mum needs to be on board as well.

I get that. But words matter. Op has stated she's been with her dh for a long time.
To say "new partner" implies that op has just met her dp and having a baby fast and the poor step kids aren't being considered.

Considering the length op has gone to, to try and understand the other side is commendable.

But your right some step kids never accept that their parents split or that their parents go on to have further siblings or remarry. That's fine and their choice that if the parents don't address they will be taking those issues into adulthood.

And it won't be the step parents fault for existing. Because it's the parent's responsibility to help that child process his or her emotions.

I have a friend who's parents split up when she was one, dad remarried when she was 15 and she's in her late 30s and still blames dads new wife from "stopping her parents from patching it up" even though mum found out she preferred women to men. She knows it's irrational, but it's easier to blame the sp for existing than to blame the actual people who should have helped her process all of it.

You hear about evil sp from time to time on here and usually there's a load of trauma that wasn't resolved by the parents and they have let the sp take the fall. If your parent gets with a horrible new partner, and doesn't have a gun to their head. It's your responsibility to call out your evil partner or leave. Parents are ultimately responsible for their kids. The bar for sp shouldn't be higher than the actual parents.

I say this as a adult step kid

I am getting the vibe that your dh is (not on purpose) making you feel bad for getting pregnant, even though it was planned. If that was resolved you probably wouldn't be so bothered about dsd attitude. Also where is he in telling her off for staring etc?

These are wonderful suggestions.

I see both points of view.

But it honestly isn't always a blended family issue, the other children are fine, just her and that could be an individual response involved too as well as obviously the two household. Even in one parent homes, some children respond really badly. My nephew kept trying to smother his sibling 😬 married parents, idyllic life, he does love his brother but he has moments accepting sharing attention.

As much as I think maybe supporting her to come to terms, I always disagree with the avoidance of a subject to appease the issue... when the baby arrives and she's been point blank ignoring the topic it will be worse. Best to casually converse and normalise the development in your family now rather than trying to get her to come to terms with a baby in tow.

I'm always in the all children are equal camp and none of them chose this, that includes the baby... so I don't agree with the hostility towards an unborn baby in favour for another child's feelings. I'm not of the first come first serve mindset which I feel people often adhere too.

Of course she is struggling. Why do people do this to kids and act surprised when the kids are upset. You need to tell your dh to go to counselling with his daughter and help her through this, otherwise he risks the girl cutting him off when the baby is born.

She's made her feelings pretty clear with her comments about her mum and her partner saying they won't have more kids because they want to focus on them. It's possible her mother said that to reassure her, or perhaps she also feels threatened, but it seems to have struck a chord for her.

Your dh now needs to reassure her that he can parent all 3 of his children equally and effectively and that her role as his youngest, the baby, is not threatened by the shift to being the middle, and one of four. He must have thought he was able to do this when he decided to have another child, but now seems a bit terrified of dealing with the consequences.

I agree about family therapy - nothing to lose, everything to gain. Otherwise, as another poster said, quite likely she will choose to move away emotionally and physically from her father as self-protection, or make all your lives unhappy by playing up.

A lot of kids are currently very unhappy - consequences of pandemic and lockdown playing out. Did she still see both parents throughout? It's a lot of additional disruption we seem to want kids to move on from, but you don't know, could even be the echoes of that that having an effect. Is she happy at school? Has she got friends?

What is it you want exactly? She is an individual. She isn't obligated to be happy about the people her parents bring into her life or the situations they put her in. Obviously, it would suit everyone else if she was happy. But she isn't. Her father isn't going to be able to force her to be. She might change when the baby is here. She might not. You just have to accept that you can't control how others feel about your choices. There is no need to resent the child for not behaving in the way that you want her to behave over something that had nothing to do with her.

She clearly just feels a bit insecure about the new sibling. Lots of love bombing needed. Your DH must spend quality 1:1 time with her. I wouldn’t give thought to discussions around the sex of the baby as the reality of actually having a baby is some distance away, just change the topic of conversation.

Your latest post is really interesting.

She is a child. So these things are happening to her. They aren’t her choices. It’s a lot to take in. She isn’t doing anything particularly disrespectful. She is struggling.

But you wax lyrical about wonderful your partner is, while also making it clear that his parenting is below par. Then use the phrase ‘he will make a good dad’. He already is a Dad and not a great one by your description. If there’s going to be an huge difference between how he parents your shared child and his daughter, this situation will get worse.

And, yet, you are talking about how you resent the child. He is the adult. He made the decision to have another child. He is their father and it’s his job to manage and help her. And he isn’t really doing it.

Do you see how backward it is to resent a child whilst talking about wonderful your partner is? When he clearly isn’t. And who tells a child family genes favour girls? It’s like he has no clue how to speak to her.

Then you keep telling this girl you will always be there for her no matter what. But the resentment towards her, not him, is building. She may pick up on that and know what you are saying isn’t quite true. If the resentment towards her keeps building, you won’t be there. You will, understandably, prioritise your own kids and distance yourself from a child you resent.

Being seen but not heard or bottling your feelings for fear of making the family uncomfortable are not desirable.

Neither are pouting and rudeness.

The child needs to start talking. It's up to the adults to encourage this. They should make it clear that rudeness and gestures of hostility are not a substitute for honest conversations. Giving her a free pass on rudeness and poor behaviour is teaching her nothing of the communicatio skills she will need throughout her life.