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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My step child is ruining my pregnancy!

96 replies

mumma2023 · 04/07/2023 14:58

Horrible subject I know but hoping to draw in some help....

I am a mum to 1 boy and currently 5 months pregnant due in Oct.

My partner has two girls from a previous marriage aged 14 and 11. The 11 year old is giving me really bad vibes...I am genuinely already slightly concerned I am starting to resent a child for the impact she is having on my relationship and pregnancy...

Background - Typically had a good relationship with his children whom we see 3 days a week (50/50) although always had the impression the 11 year old is your typical "too early teen" she often throwing tantrums on days out and secluding herself from any fun our family activities. Often refusing to sit at the same table, take part in games and will wear headphones to avoid any social situation. Refuses to say Hi when arrives and will outright stare me out if she's not happy with a topic of conversation. I initially sought therapy to try and be more understanding of the fact that this is a child, going through puberty and I may need to look at things differently.

I found I was pregnant in Feb and saw the fear of life in my partner at sharing the news...(baby was discussed, planned for a little later but I had been off birth control for a total of 8 months) I was swiftly sworn to secrecy and was unable to share the news at all and felt even telling my family was a long drawn out decision ahead of the 12 weeks.

All 3 children were told to which 11 year old refuses to see dad for the next week whilst she "process's" the news.

Upon finding out the gender of baby and 10 mins before entering the scan my partner approached to say 11 year old doesn't want the baby to be a boy because she doesn't want it to be too much like Dad. He spent a good 5 times pointing out to said 11 year old that the gender race favours females...all the while I already knew baby was boy, instinct is real and the pregnancy was so similar to my previous..baby is a boy.

I'm slowly starting to feel resentful not just because every step feels uncomfortable but that my partner who by the way is so attentive and supportive in many aspects couldn't be more detached from the obvious issue. He refuses to discuss the baby in front of her and if I raise anything baby related it completely distracts from the subject, 11 year old has never spoken of baby since the news was announced....

Conscious I am hormonal, protective and am discussing what essentially is a child I just want to sanity check I am not just being an a-hole?

Please be gentle I am here for the right reasons

OP posts:
Donotshushme · 04/07/2023 15:07

Sorry but i think you are a bit. This girl is clearly struggling with the idea of her dad having another baby and attention being split in another direction and therefore less of her dad to go around.

Perhaps she didn't want it to be a boy because she's worried her dad will love a boy more than a girl. Bit weird to say she didn't want the baby to be like dad that's why i think that's what she could have meant.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 04/07/2023 15:16

You really are, sorry. I think your expectations are wholly unrealistic; this is a major upheaval in your stepdaughter's life and you need to cut her all the slack. Please be the adult here and support her; you are permanently connected to each other now and she will need all your understanding.

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 15:20

It's understandable that she is struggling but I think your DH could be trying harder not to make this an issue for you. There was no need to discuss her feelings right before the scan, for example. He planned this baby, when you are alone at least he shouldn't be making you feel like all it is is an imposition on your DSD.

AriettyClock22 · 04/07/2023 15:24

I don't think you're wrong to feel resentful actually. It's a happy event and it's being overshadowed by a difficult child's behaviour. But I think you know there's not much you can do about it. It's for your dh to try and talk to her. I don't think she should be Molly coddled overly though. MN is very big on discipline and boundaries but when it comes to step children it seems like anything goes.

I would ask your dh to make it clear to her that another baby doesn't take anything away from her relationship with him and it's a positive thing that will be lovely for the family.

I get that step kids find things hard sometimes but I'd also find this annoying and being stared out and ignored in my own home would also be an issue.

Iamgoingtohell · 04/07/2023 15:33

I’m sure his children resent you and unborn baby too. You need therapy as a family to help you all out with processing your feelings.

Reugny · 04/07/2023 15:34

Iamgoingtohell · 04/07/2023 15:33

I’m sure his children resent you and unborn baby too. You need therapy as a family to help you all out with processing your feelings.

DId you read the first post?

There are 3 children and only one has an issue with it.

anniegun · 04/07/2023 15:35

This reply has been deleted

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Reugny · 04/07/2023 15:35

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Ridiculous!

Iamgoingtohell · 04/07/2023 15:36

Reugny · 04/07/2023 15:34

DId you read the first post?

There are 3 children and only one has an issue with it.

Show quote history

Yes I read it. What’s your point?

Reugny · 04/07/2023 15:38

OP you have a DH issue rather than a younger SD issue.

Some children are happy/fine having another sibling, whether that sibling is full or step, while others are upset/angry.

In the case of your younger SD she is now not going to be the youngest of her father's children and is getting a brother, there as her older sibling and your child don't mind.

It is up to the parents or parent in this case to make simple things clear that they aren't going to loved any less and in fact they are going to be loved more, no-one knows the character and interests of a child regardless of sex, discuss gender stereotypes with the child, etc.

Reugny · 04/07/2023 15:40

Iamgoingtohell · 04/07/2023 15:36

Yes I read it. What’s your point?

Show quote history

2 of the children are fine with having a baby sibling and only one is upset.

How does that show resentment of the OP?

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 04/07/2023 15:40

"Blended" families are the pits and she knows it's going to get worse with a new baby in the mix. Poor kid.

Marblessolveeverything · 04/07/2023 15:44

The poor child has asked for concessions to allow her to process the change and you are ignoring them. Why would you need to talk in her company about the pregnancy? Leave her time and allow her to adjust, yabu

NeverThatSerious · 04/07/2023 15:49

I think you’re being a bit unfair. She’s not really done anything very drastic at all, she’s just getting her head around what will be an absolutely massive change in her life.

Iamgoingtohell · 04/07/2023 15:50

Reugny · 04/07/2023 15:40

2 of the children are fine with having a baby sibling and only one is upset.

How does that show resentment of the OP?

Show quote history

There’s still resentment on both sides. Not all kids are so open with their feelings. I think family therapy is a good way of getting to the root cause of the resentment and helping them become a better family unit for when baby is born; which can bring up more issues is not addressed

BurbageBrook · 04/07/2023 15:52

I think you are being too sensitive about this. She is a child, and clearly feeling insecure. Just be patient and understanding and kind, and she's much more likely to come around.

Reugny · 04/07/2023 15:52

Iamgoingtohell · 04/07/2023 15:50

There’s still resentment on both sides. Not all kids are so open with their feelings. I think family therapy is a good way of getting to the root cause of the resentment and helping them become a better family unit for when baby is born; which can bring up more issues is not addressed

Show quote history

Both sides doesn't include to the 2 other children.

Iamgoingtohell · 04/07/2023 15:53

Reugny · 04/07/2023 15:52

Both sides doesn't include to the 2 other children.

Show quote history

Yeah alright love 🙄

LemonLimeDivine · 04/07/2023 15:53

I can understand you feeling upset OP.
I would try and mentally distance yourself from her slightly (easier said than done when it’s in your own home) - leave your partner to deal with the behaviour and get him to talk to her. He needs to be consistent with her.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

AriettyClock22 · 04/07/2023 15:56

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 04/07/2023 15:40

"Blended" families are the pits and she knows it's going to get worse with a new baby in the mix. Poor kid.

Yes because being in an unhappy 'biological' family is so much better. I know of many blended families that work extremely well with happy kids and adults who all get along. Mine is one of them.

Honestly there are some real twats on here sometimes.

SoftAsABearsElbow · 04/07/2023 15:59

TBF we don't actually know how the other two children feel, only that the OP is focussed on the reaction of the 11 year old daughter.

In terms of her specific reaction to this baby, I think we have
a) took a week to process the news, during which she didn't want to see her Dad
b) seems to have mentioned - only to her Dad - she didn't want it to be a boy. No futher context given for that conversation, which may have been in reaction to being asked specifically (for example) and doesn't appear to have been directed at OP
c) doesn't speak about the baby

Unless there is more not listed here, this seems like a very mild and self-controlled reaction to news you think is upsetting her. More so as she is only 11.

So she is not thrilled about a baby sibling and is upset. She seems to be managing that upset as best she can.

I am genuinely not sure what more could have been realistically expected of her?

Anniejameslastcallanniejames · 04/07/2023 15:59

I think it’s great you sought some advice from therapy, IMO it shows you care. We all know we can be overly sensitive in pregnancy so maybe it is a touch of the hormones. I think you DH needs to talk about the baby in front of his daughter, maybe try and get her involved with planning/buying things for the baby? She sounds like a moody pre-teen and typical youngest child. As long as you have both reassured her she will still be loved and try to include her, unfortunately she will have to get used to it.

excelledyourself · 04/07/2023 16:00

Is your son with you/DP more than the SD's are? What's DP's relationship with your son like?

Could that have something to do with her not wanting the baby to be a boy?

Anniejameslastcallanniejames · 04/07/2023 16:00

Blended families aren’t the pits for some people. Maybe they are if you’re involved jesus

CitizenofMoronia · 04/07/2023 16:16

probably best to call an exorcist.