My step child is ruining my pregnancy!

[mumma2023]

Horrible subject I know but hoping to draw in some help....

I am a mum to 1 boy and currently 5 months pregnant due in Oct.

My partner has two girls from a previous marriage aged 14 and 11. The 11 year old is giving me really bad vibes...I am genuinely already slightly concerned I am starting to resent a child for the impact she is having on my relationship and pregnancy...

Background - Typically had a good relationship with his children whom we see 3 days a week (50/50) although always had the impression the 11 year old is your typical "too early teen" she often throwing tantrums on days out and secluding herself from any fun our family activities. Often refusing to sit at the same table, take part in games and will wear headphones to avoid any social situation. Refuses to say Hi when arrives and will outright stare me out if she's not happy with a topic of conversation. I initially sought therapy to try and be more understanding of the fact that this is a child, going through puberty and I may need to look at things differently.

I found I was pregnant in Feb and saw the fear of life in my partner at sharing the news...(baby was discussed, planned for a little later but I had been off birth control for a total of 8 months) I was swiftly sworn to secrecy and was unable to share the news at all and felt even telling my family was a long drawn out decision ahead of the 12 weeks.

All 3 children were told to which 11 year old refuses to see dad for the next week whilst she "process's" the news.

Upon finding out the gender of baby and 10 mins before entering the scan my partner approached to say 11 year old doesn't want the baby to be a boy because she doesn't want it to be too much like Dad. He spent a good 5 times pointing out to said 11 year old that the gender race favours females...all the while I already knew baby was boy, instinct is real and the pregnancy was so similar to my previous..baby is a boy.

I'm slowly starting to feel resentful not just because every step feels uncomfortable but that my partner who by the way is so attentive and supportive in many aspects couldn't be more detached from the obvious issue. He refuses to discuss the baby in front of her and if I raise anything baby related it completely distracts from the subject, 11 year old has never spoken of baby since the news was announced....

Conscious I am hormonal, protective and am discussing what essentially is a child I just want to sanity check I am not just being an a-hole?

Please be gentle I am here for the right reasons

It's not really her though is it, it's your dp. She's not happy and has a gender preference. I wouldn't say this is particularly unusual.

It's almost like everyone is different..... or some people find it easier to hide than others

The problem is DH - not the SD.

He needs to address this with his daughter, give her reassurance and understanding, but also make it clear that being rude to you is unacceptable behaviour.

Your issue is your DH. What was all the crap he was spouting about the babys sex?! He's not helping at all.

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable. She's 11 and should be able to understand that families grow and you can't send the baby back. She's being a bit spoilt and needs to be told she needs to accept it: I don't know why people feel that step kids need to be treated like royalty. They are kids. Imagine if it was a joint child that was struggling, we'd just tell them and that be it 🤷🏻‍♀️ don't let her ruin your experience. Just talk about baby as you would. You can't avoid the subject when baby is here. You can't hide him away. She needs to stop being treated like a princess and be told to grow up?

Yep fir me the issue is with your dh and it’s not a new problem. Just one that has become inescapable.

all the stuff you describe - giving you THE look, refusing to say hello, headphones at the table etc etc… - all that is being rude ouvre snd simple and should have been tackle there and then.
Now your DH is still pandering to her and is still putting her first before you AND before his own unborn child.

Is there some good reason why the child could be resentful etc..? Yes if course there is.
But being rude is never ok abd that should have been tackled a long time ago.
Of course nit sure that your DH is feeling guilty, is worried that his child wont want to see him etc… all somehow understandable but he should have thought about that before moving in with you and have another child.
Now, he needs to sort it out, establish boundaries again as well as spend time with his dc to sort out what’s going on (which could include having more 1-1 etc…)

her whole worlds turned upside down. Her dad is starting a new family and she’s only 11.
unfortunately this the price you have to pay for wanting a blended family.
for some families it works and others it doesn’t. This will probably effect her for her entire life including any future relationships she has.
its your job as an adult and a stepmother to reassure her. This isn’t about you and how you feel as this was your choice not hers.

I don't think her reaction to the baby is abnormal at all. Lots of 11yo in a nuclear family would be unhappy with the prospect of a new sibling. Can you not just give her a bit of time to process everything? I know you're super excited and that's great for you and DH. But if DSD would rather you weren't having a baby then she had every right to feel that way. Hopefully she will change her mind, and if she doesn't she will probably learn to hide her feelings.

The other behaviour sounds rude (eg not saying hello) but that's a wider issue - why hasn't DH dealt with that before now?

Btw I don’t think ‘having more patience’ or ‘it’s normal, her life has been turned upside down yet again’ is the answer.

You don’t juste LEAVE a situation like this to fester.
You don’t just wait for things to settle down.

You are been proactive. You try to understand what going on. You go and have family counselling if you can’t hack it. You have counselling yourself.
But just doing the same thing again and again and hope fur a different outcome is tte definition of madness (or stupidity).
And that’s up to your dh@mumma2023 to do that work, be a parent to his child, support them in the way they need. Just pandering to them the way he has always done is just going to either make things worse OR entrench a situation that is no good for ANYONE, not even your stepchild.

When you are alone with dp you should be able to discuss the pregnancy and your plans for baby. I would not mention the baby in front of the 11 year old as she clearly doesn't want it to get any.of her Dad's attention. If she is rude to you and staring at you for no reason I'd call her out on this 'dsc have I got 2 noses, you are staring at me, is there a reason for the stares'? You are probably a bit sensitive as hormonal and dsc is probably hormonal too. Could you offer to do something nice with her just the 2 of you to build your relationship?

@JemimaTiggywinkles are you saying that it’s great for a teen to learn to hide their feelings within the family circle?!?

That is not ok. Ever.

@Mumtothreegirlies nope, it’s NOT the OP’s job to reassure her etc..
Thats HER FATHER’s job.

To start with, she us less likely to listen to the OP.
But more to the point, why us ut that it is the OP to be responsible of this child’s feelings and not her own father? Is it because she is a woman and he is a man?

Your DH needs to be working with her much more proactively. She isn’t comfortable in your family. If she was, this wouldn’t be such a struggle for her. It doesn’t matter if the other siblings are happy about the baby, people are different. She is allowed her own, individual reaction.

he needs to figure out how to make her feel loved and like she truly belongs in his household. This is about more than just the baby.

Why emphasise the step issue here? Any 11 year old might have had similar reactions. Not lovely, but happens, and happens often. You clearly think it's because she's a step child, your step child, that's why she's having a reaction. Have you considered this assumption? If your own 11 year old was having this reaction, how would you have approached to solving it? Have you tried building a relationship with her, talking to her, showing that you care about her feelings too?
If not, maybe therein lies the problem...your post is all me, me, me poor me.

Poor child. I would not have been happy if my dad had started a new family after leaving us. It must be hard for her.

This is really sad. She is 11, such a hard age - change schools, changing body and now her family is changing.
You chose to get with a man with children so you are the one responsible for treating her well. She is 11!!!!

It's a real shame how we have normalised this inept way of parenting, children need stability, to feel safe and secure, they don't stand a chance when SP only views them as a massive inconvenience.
Maybe ask hubby for a performing seal next time, so as to make you feel more comfortable.

Both his children are at a particularly tough age to welcome a new baby woth dad's new partner. They will likely both find this very difficult at times, some will show it very openly (like the 11 year old), others will keep their feelings in/hidden (as the 14 year old seems to be doing). It also probably won't be half as exciting to them as it is to you. It won't be perfect, you will just have to work hough it as a family, I'm sure it will work out but you do need to have a bit more empathy for a young girl who's going through a lot of major changes in her life.

11 year old girls often really struggle between being a child and an emergent young adult. All the ones in our family have been clingy, emotional, temperamental and difficult at that age (whilst also being lovely).

She now has another change to her identity: she won’t be her Daddy’s youngest any more. He will have a new baby, who lives with him full time.

She’s a kid. No doubt seems hulkingly grown up compared to your 5 year old, but she’s still just a kid.

Don’t take her reaction to your pregnancy personally.

It is not her job to reassure her, it’s her fathers.
The disrespectful behaviour she is showing needs to be dealt with, it’s clear he’s pandering to his daughter and needs to grow some balls, there’s a difference between providing reassurance and allowing his daughter to be disrespectful to the mother of his child.

Really appreciate the advice and guidance, and thank you to all those taken the time to reply and send congratulations as someone from a blended family myself I truly am just here trying to understand all sides and gain a bit of advice. There’s been lots of questions so will try my best to cover best I can:

Just to clarify there are 3 older children:

2 girls on my partners side (14 and 11) and I have a 9 year old boy from a previous relationship. 9 year old boy currently with us just over 50% of the time. Staying at dads 2 x a week and every other weekend. I am currently 5 months pregnant and me and my current partner have been together for 5 years. None of the other 2 children have shown concern.

A lot of you have mentioned about talking about the baby in front of SD, I also do not push that I’m quite relaxed this time around and also don’t feel comfortable discussing too much as i have picked up on partner often changing the subject early on. But it doesn’t make me feel very nice having to be conscious of when/where I discuss baby and is probably not helping with the resentment.

I genuinely can’t express enough of concerns surrounding general behaviour, even prior to the baby and do actually think my partner (and his ex) walks on eggshells around her. There are never any consequences to her actions when she acts out at family events etc something me and my partner have discussed, I do however refuse to push on this subject. Something I feel something him and her mum should tackle together and it’s not my place. I have never shouted, disciplined or scolded any of this behaviour.

“Would her dad let her get away with sitting out meals, having headphones at social occasions and generally being rude” - unfortunately my honest response to this is yes. He once took her phone off her for 10 mins and other than trying to have a stern chat which gets swiftly forgotten I’ve never seen any consequences for any of this behaviour. Note that her mum bribes her with Ben and Jerry’s ice cream to be nice to her Grandad on visits.

Partner 100% knew about the birth control, we discussed officially trying in the April but found out I was pregnant in the February. Fear of Life - ok little exaggeration here…he was by all means though clearly scared of the response and I believe now, rightly so.

The biggest take away here is allowing them to spend 1:1 time and potentially trying to spend time with her myself. I have actually discussed this with partner and he is actively taking time to peruse her interests..issue is she is very isolated and by her own accord so this proves difficult. Typical 21st century kid…if it isn’t YouTube or PlayStation it’s never goes down well.

I really can’t express enough whilst I agree with comments about partner needing to address this he is in general a very well balanced and fair man, he supports me in every aspect of this pregnancy, cooking, cleaning, taking care of to do lists, buying pregnancy pillows and generally just being a top partner to me whilst I grow this baby. I just do not agree with his avoidance of the discussing anything baby whilst his youngest is here and it is taking its toll because I am also feeling and sensing that unease. Whilst he may need to step up and be firm, he is a good man and will make a good dad.

Rest assured I hear the comments surrounding letting her process and how tough this is for her, something which was discussed in previous therapy sessions allowing me to be pragmatic and understand that as a child she is entitled and almost expected to have thoughts and feelings around. I have had chats with her where I have explained that I will always back her and no matter how much she pushes me away I will always be there for her, also tried some 1-1 time where I was actually told “mum won’t have another baby with (her partner) because they like to give me and (sister) all their attention”

Also something that has played on my mind is other family members picking this up and making such comments like “I wouldn’t leave her alone around that baby”

I’m just at a loss and wanted to see if I was being unreasonable I see mixed responses here and will take on board both but please don’t think for one minute I have ever treated this child badly because I grew up myself with a mean step mum and would never make any child feel any way but wanted in my house. Dad as often told me I’m too nice and too scared to come across anything like my step mum was to me. This child is my step child, that’s a fact but I’ve never treated her like an outsider and never will.

I think people are reading to much into the step element here and have visions of the step child being abandoned by their father and op is locking them under the stairs. Clearly not many of you have teens in the house.

Can you imagine hitting hormones and realising that your dad and mum or step mum ect are having sex ?!? Even worse there's actual proof on the terms of a baby and one that might make noise and pop ect.

Most teens like to think their parents only had sex once when they were conceived and even then I'm sure many would prefer to believe they were dropped off by the stolk

Ops posting for help, she's had counselling to make sure she's being fair and still had a load of poor child you clearly hate her ffs what are you all on ?

In a nuclear family most teens would be like ick at the thought of a sibling.

That said op the stuff you said about dsd not saying hi and staring at you, being generally rude little bugger this needs to be tackled by your dh as you have a dh problem here. She's doing it because it's been allowed (and teens do like to find where the line is) your dh is doing you and dsd no favours by enabling this shit.

I would point out they are all his kids, so he has a duty to be fair to all the children not just the one that has a strop.

Reward positive behaviour from the kids, ignore/let dh deal with the negative. And out right rudeness step child or not I would be calling that shit out pronto. Only on mn people get weird about calling about rude behaviour of step children.

Ps op if it's any help I my sister is my best friend (although technically she's my half sister) we do exist. It's just a lot of people here post who aren't in step families and view the second family as a threat (having no notion of what goes down in them)

It works both ways, SM hasn’t indicated she’s not treated her well, the SM also deserves to be treated with respect.

"Also something that has played on my mind is other family members picking this up and making such comments like “I wouldn’t leave her alone around that baby"

I have to ask was this said by dh family or your side ?

If it's your side it could be someone saying something off hand, however is this came from dh family side I would probably give this more weight. They will have seen dsd behaviour throughout their life where as you will have seen only a snapshot. It's worth asking why they said that for peace of mind. Hopefully it's nothing but worth asking

Can you point to where OP said it was her partner that left his ex???

I am so fed up on this thread of people using the term 'new family'. His current children are his family and so are any subsequent children.

I just don't understand this logic, I'm a step mum and had a step mum growing up whom my Dad had a son with and I couldn't imagine my life without any of them!