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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My step child is ruining my pregnancy!

96 replies

mumma2023 · 04/07/2023 14:58

Horrible subject I know but hoping to draw in some help....

I am a mum to 1 boy and currently 5 months pregnant due in Oct.

My partner has two girls from a previous marriage aged 14 and 11. The 11 year old is giving me really bad vibes...I am genuinely already slightly concerned I am starting to resent a child for the impact she is having on my relationship and pregnancy...

Background - Typically had a good relationship with his children whom we see 3 days a week (50/50) although always had the impression the 11 year old is your typical "too early teen" she often throwing tantrums on days out and secluding herself from any fun our family activities. Often refusing to sit at the same table, take part in games and will wear headphones to avoid any social situation. Refuses to say Hi when arrives and will outright stare me out if she's not happy with a topic of conversation. I initially sought therapy to try and be more understanding of the fact that this is a child, going through puberty and I may need to look at things differently.

I found I was pregnant in Feb and saw the fear of life in my partner at sharing the news...(baby was discussed, planned for a little later but I had been off birth control for a total of 8 months) I was swiftly sworn to secrecy and was unable to share the news at all and felt even telling my family was a long drawn out decision ahead of the 12 weeks.

All 3 children were told to which 11 year old refuses to see dad for the next week whilst she "process's" the news.

Upon finding out the gender of baby and 10 mins before entering the scan my partner approached to say 11 year old doesn't want the baby to be a boy because she doesn't want it to be too much like Dad. He spent a good 5 times pointing out to said 11 year old that the gender race favours females...all the while I already knew baby was boy, instinct is real and the pregnancy was so similar to my previous..baby is a boy.

I'm slowly starting to feel resentful not just because every step feels uncomfortable but that my partner who by the way is so attentive and supportive in many aspects couldn't be more detached from the obvious issue. He refuses to discuss the baby in front of her and if I raise anything baby related it completely distracts from the subject, 11 year old has never spoken of baby since the news was announced....

Conscious I am hormonal, protective and am discussing what essentially is a child I just want to sanity check I am not just being an a-hole?

Please be gentle I am here for the right reasons

OP posts:
LemonLimeDivine · 04/07/2023 16:16

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 04/07/2023 15:40

"Blended" families are the pits and she knows it's going to get worse with a new baby in the mix. Poor kid.

🙄 Give your head a wobble.

Namechangedforthis60 · 04/07/2023 16:31

11 is often a tricky age OP. I am expecting dc4 which is my first baby with a new partner, I don’t have step children but my 11 year old struggled with the thought of having a new sibling at the start. Over time he has processed the information and the changes coming and is now really excited for his baby brother to arrive, talks to my bump and has taken scan pics to school etc. I’ve made sure to reassure him that he will still be just as important to me, that I understand there’s been lots of changes over the last 5 years and it’s ok to find change tricky. There’s been lots of open discussions and honesty from both sides, especially for him to discuss his worries. Can you or your dh do similar? Spend time with her to make sure that she knows she will always have a special place in the family? Find a common interest with her and build that bond so she feels more secure?

fridaynight1 · 04/07/2023 16:35

I think the problem here is your partner's reluctance to deal with this - he needs to properly talk to his DD about it. Burying his head in the sand and pretending it isn't happening isn't helping.

Mariposista · 04/07/2023 16:37

You do not sound like an AH OP, but your DP needs to grow a pair of balls - he sounds absolutely terrified of an 11 year old! He needs to acknowledge her feelings, which are valid, but behaviour such as tantrums, wearing earphones, stropping etc need nipping in the bud immediately - by him! Is she the most spoilt of all his children?
You do need to be patient with her (it sounds like you are trying and just want a peaceful life) but there needs to be compromise.

Pandabear33 · 04/07/2023 16:37

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AmazingBouncingFerret · 04/07/2023 16:43

😳 I read through the entire thread trying to get my head around timelines because I read your OP as you having your own 1 year old boy, two older step daughters, and one in the way! I was thinking that it’s obvious why she’s being off.

I think the best way forward is to just keep mentioning the pregnancy and baby as you normally would if there was no issues. She’ll soon come around and hopefully she’ll change her tune when he’s here and all squishy and cute.

readingismycardio · 04/07/2023 16:53

Hi, OP,

Huge congrats on your pregnancy! Flowers

I don't think YABU per se, but I think this is a big change in her life and it's normal for her to feel lost/confused. Having your parents split is not an easy thing to do as it is! I imagine it must be hard, but I'd try and have a little bit o patience!

Sending hugs

Beamur · 04/07/2023 16:54

A pregnancy in a second marriage with older kids is a more mixed experience! I speak from experience.
My DH was totally on board with having another child but it threw up a lot of mixed feelings and regrets about the failure of his first family.
In the first instance your DP really needs to take some time out and connect with his kids - especially the younger one, who are feeling perhaps insecure about how this affects them. Her hostility is coming from a place of feeling hurt and maybe confused/replaced. He really needs to reassure her and behave in a way that makes her still feel loved and special.
Tread carefully around issues such as space in the house, photos, etc.
I asked my SC (who were 12 and 13 when DD arrived) for name ideas and suchlike. In the end DSD actually chose DD's name (we all liked it) which was a lovely way for her to feel more connected to the new baby. I thought helping the older kids to feel that DD was related to them and not just Beamur and Dad's baby made us feel more like a family.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/07/2023 16:58

As is so often the case - you have a DH problem. Bit of a Disney Dad. Doesn't want to deal with the hard stuff, so just sweeps his 11-year-old's issues under the carpet ("couldn't be more detached from the obvious issue", "refuses to discuss the baby in front of her"). Not. Good. Enough.

There were issues pre-pregnancy, what did he do about them? The "tantrums on days out" the "secluding herself from any fun our[sic] family activities", the "refusing to sit at the same table", the headphones? And particularly, the "Refuses to say Hi when arrives and will outright stare me out if she's not happy with a topic of conversation". What, exactly, has he done to address this? Does he even acknowledge it?

He is failing his daughter, as well as you.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2023 17:01

Is your one boy also your DH's?

What do you mean by "saw the fear of life in my partner"? Fear of LIFE?

What do you mean by "The 11 year old is giving me really bad vibes"? 'Bad vibes' usually means fear that the person has a 'bad intent'. What 'bad intent' do you think she has?

DSD doesn't have to be 'happy' about the coming baby. She's entitled to her feelings and to work through them in her own good time (or not). But she does have to be polite and respectful to you. So as usual, this is a DH problem. She sounds a bit spoilt and stroppy and he needs to deal with her. From what you've said what's going on now is really in line with her past behaviour and that's all down to her father allowing her to get away with it. Not wanting to be involved with 'family fun' is fine, she can sit on the sidelines. If she wants to 'seclude' herself, let her. But the tantrums and general rudeness need to go. And if she doesn't want to sit up to the table then she doesn't eat.

But here's the thing, she can only 'spoil' your pregnancy if you let her get to you. You're an adult and it's much easier for you to control your own emotions than it is for her to control hers. I'm not saying by that that she should be able to be rude or disobedient. Just that as an adult you need to work on your own resentment. Or focus that resentment where it belongs, on your DH and his failure to deal with his DD.

Beamur · 04/07/2023 17:02

I have to agree with WhereYouLeftIt and the longer he refuses to get a grip on this the unhappier his DD will be and her behaviour will only deteriorate - and it won't be her fault, but your harmony as a family will get less and less.

mathanxiety · 04/07/2023 17:02

Mariposista · 04/07/2023 16:37

You do not sound like an AH OP, but your DP needs to grow a pair of balls - he sounds absolutely terrified of an 11 year old! He needs to acknowledge her feelings, which are valid, but behaviour such as tantrums, wearing earphones, stropping etc need nipping in the bud immediately - by him! Is she the most spoilt of all his children?
You do need to be patient with her (it sounds like you are trying and just want a peaceful life) but there needs to be compromise.

This ^

There's a fine line between acknowledging feelings and pandering to someone determined to be difficult.

Would her dad let her get away with shutting out the family, refusing to sit together at meals, and tantrums on days outbid he and her mother were still together? I doubt it.

He needs to stand up for you and own this new family situation he has created for his children. The idea that you and he can't discuss the pregnancy during the three days out of seven when she is in the home is preposterous.

He needs to be kind but firm here. She will feel much more secure when she realizes her dad isn't tiptoeing around her.

Worldwide2 · 04/07/2023 17:05

@CitizenofMoronia 🤣🤣🤣

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 17:06

Is she the most spoilt of all his children?

Blimey, you know she's a child, right? She was the baby of two girls, mum and dad, one home. Now she's one of soon to be 4, only part time with her parents, about to be replaced as the baby. 11 is still a child, but with new hormones and feelings.

OP you want everyone to be happy. But a new baby isn't a happy event for this child. Some children are just better at pretending. She isn't. I've seen a lot of blended families where the parents swear blind the children are all happy when it's apparent they aren't. The parents' needs are far more important in those families.

Give her time, accept that she isn't actually wrong to be unhappy, but expect DH to deal with those negative emotions and NOT but ignoring it and hoping it goes away.

MumLass · 04/07/2023 17:08

How old is your son OP? Is he with you 100% of the time? I'm just thinking that the poor kid might see herself being pushed further away from her Dad. She now only sees him 50% of the time, maybe your son is with him all the time and now the new baby will be too?

She's only 11, this is bound to be hard on her. How long have her parents been separated? How long have you and your DH been together?

Addicted2LoveIsland · 04/07/2023 17:15

Sounds crap OP. I thinmnspeak to DH about it and try and distance yourself from it. The baby is coming no matter what so she's going to have to come round sooner or later.

Congrats OP. Try not to focus on her and enjoy the happy news.

MightEvenCallYouBaby · 04/07/2023 17:17

Poor kid. She’s struggling. I think lots of kids her age would struggle with having a new sibling of their parents were still together, never mind in a ‘blended’ family.

How long have you been together, known you, lived with you half the time?

FloweryName · 04/07/2023 17:18

She’s a child whose life has already given her more than enough to challenge her emotionally. She’s had to deal with her parents not being together and then she’s had to deal with one of her parents living with a child she’s not related to. Now she has to deal with her Dad having another child who will get to live with him when she doesn’t. She’s probably scared her Dad will like/love the new baby more than her and understandably she’s probably feeling very insecure so it should be expected that that will come out in her behaviour. Most adults aren’t at their best when they have no control or input into things that are important to them changing against their will either.

All you can do is be patient and give her every reassurance possible that she is still important and very much loved.

Anniejameslastcallanniejames · 04/07/2023 17:23

MightEvenCallYouBaby · 04/07/2023 17:17

Poor kid. She’s struggling. I think lots of kids her age would struggle with having a new sibling of their parents were still together, never mind in a ‘blended’ family.

How long have you been together, known you, lived with you half the time?

I have 4 younger siblings, 2 from my dad 2 from my mum. It was my mum and dads job to make me feel loved enough to not resent my siblings. Yes it must be hard for the 11 year old but its her dads responsibility to make her feel loved, he can’t pussyfoot around it. Ultimately in most cases another sibling is someone extra to love. The hatred on this site for ‘blended’ families as you put it is just strange to me. It takes work which it seems to me the OP is willing to do.

MightEvenCallYouBaby · 04/07/2023 17:26

I have 4 younger siblings, 2 from my dad 2 from my mum. It was my mum and dads job to make me feel loved enough to not resent my siblings. Yes it must be hard for the 11 year old but its her dads responsibility to make her feel loved, he can’t pussyfoot around it. Ultimately in most cases another sibling is someone extra to love. The hatred on this site for ‘blended’ families as you put it is just strange to me. It takes work which it seems to me the OP is willing to do.

MightEvenCallYouBaby · 04/07/2023 17:27

Posted too soon.

I said ‘blended’ family because this family doesn’t seem blended at all.

Anniejameslastcallanniejames · 04/07/2023 17:29

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2bazookas · 04/07/2023 17:30

Nothing much you can do right now but hope that when the baby comes he will melt her heart. Bit of a reach but it has been known.

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 04/07/2023 17:31

You are the adult getting to make all the decisions with all the control. She is a child. What is great news for you is terrible news for her.

nancy2022 · 04/07/2023 17:36

I don't think your partner is ready for another child. Did he know you weren't on contraception? Obviously he wasn't?