When Stepkids are poorly

[anon1056]

Not sure if I’m after advice or a little anonymous vent or what so please be kind! Have SS 11, DD 9 from previous & DD together who’s coming up 2. SS stays every weekend. My DP works 1 in 4 wknds but I have him whilst DP is working all wknd. His mum is nice but quite keen to get rid and have wknds to herself she doesn’t work wknds now but she did used to but this has always been the are arrangement every wknd unless she has plans with him. Well SS was off school today poorly & she took the day off with him & DP is working all wknd. Am I being mean to think on this occasion she should have kept him home this wknd? Now Iv got 3 to take care of tomo. One is Ill and I still have other 2 to take care of (toddler is hard work too lots of fun but she’s crazy!) DP still wanted him to come over cos he misses him (he lives an hour away as well) and he can’t take the wknd off. So it’s down to me. When our toddler was poorly the other week. I had work he had a day off to rest and my mum took care of her as well. Which didn’t sit right with me either. I didn’t say anything at the time but it’s bothering me now. Am I being mean? I just thing if kids are poorly they really want their parent not step parent or grandparent really! Would it have hurt her to take care of him. Get on well with the ex but she’s very much likes her wknds to herself - shes only got the one as well.

He's on his Dad's agreed time this weekend really, that shouldn't end because he's poorly. Could DH take time off to look after him?

Your partner should have taken the time off as the arrangement is he has his son at weekends. If he couldn’t, he should arrange with his ex to look after their son. Why is this your issue? Tell your partner to sort it.

This is got your husband to sort out. He should tell his ex that as the child is poorly and he is working it's not fair to basically have you cancel all plans and stay home to look after her kid.
Plus he should look into changing the arrangement so that the weekends he works his child stays with his mother (child could stay with you mid week instead)?

He can’t take another wknd off cos last time he did it because he thought his mum hasn’t spend enough time with him in the week (he stays with family in the wk sometimes if she has plans to do stuff in the week too). If he loses his job taking time off then there’s bigger issues. I just think kids usually want their parent when they’re Ill. It’s not a formal arrangement she will quite often change the wknd arrangement if she has something on she wants to do when he’s not ill.

Personally I’d be stopping the weekend that he comes over when your DH is working and it’s just you full stop.

why are you even having him every single weekend? That’s shit.

and I would of refused to have a ill child all weekend when his dad isn’t even there to step up.

If DSD is Unwell then she normally doesn’t come over still and if ours are I’ll then she doesn’t come over and we swap weekends.

Ime such a detail needs planning right at the start. When I was a sm we all agreed if her dc or mine were ill we wouldn't 'mix' houses... Worked well until we divorced. Nothing dc related though! Just he was a cunt. Which his ex already knew!

I’ll still take care of him just think it’s a bit selfish on both their parts of your kids Ill they wanna stay calm and chill. I just think on this occasion she should have looked after her own son for 1 weekend at least. I think my DP should have put his own needs below his sons and let him chill at home. It’s not gonna be calm and quiet here our toddler is full of it! My DP can’t just take unpaid wknds off and still pay maintenance either. His ex gets more financial help than us as well it’s hard sometimes.

I agree with you. The child comes first and that’s usually home with mum (no offence op). I never quite understand why step - arrangements have no flexibility or give or take, to allow situations like this.

I wouldn't be sending a poorly child anywhere either, she sounds a bit selfish imo.

I would keep an ill child at home with me.

I agree with you, but tbh I think it's really taking the piss that he's with you at all on the weekends his dad is working. Generally it's said that it's better for the child to have some weekends with both parents, otherwise he's only getting the daily drudge stuff with mum, and all his leisure time is with dad. He already has 3/4 weekends with dad, it makes infinitely more sense for him to spend the other one with his mum, for everyone's sake including yours as it's not your job.

Comments suggesting to stop weekends sound so harsh. Surely the kid comes home to his dad to spend time with his family? He has a half sister there. Isn't she his family?

Personally think it’s wrong to send your child to another household when they’re ill unless essential reason as not fair on child or the illness them spreading.

Parents dont get to opt out of their responsibilities just because their kids are ill.

This is your DPs problem. The mum is already doing most of the parenting. He needs to step up and sort contact properly so he does his fair share but it doesn't fall on you.

It’s not about trying to get out of parental responsibilities, I just think it’s about putting a kid first when they are ill. Being passed pillar to post and travelling for over an hour then not being with mum or dad when they have an option to be isnt very fair on the kid. Unless there’s a major emergency.

Not stop them, just stop the one where his dad isn't there to take care of him. He would still have 75% of his weekends with them and would actually get some down time at mum's. It's the obvious course.

Well it sounds like dc isn’t particularly well cared for at mums so maybe they didn’t care . For me would depend what it was sickness bug absolutely no way would I get them sat in the car a cold is very different .

You are absolutely right.

Why did your mum take care of your DD when your DP was at home and not working. Does he expect women around him to fulfill his parenting duties?

if your husband was a single man , he would have to arrange his scheduled time to be when he is actually at home ,
I’m not sure why your stepson is coming to your house every weekend when his dad is not even there , it doesn’t make any sense

your husband needs to arrange to have weekends off so that he can take care of his parental responsibility and not use you as a free babysitter

DP still wanted him to come over cos he misses him (he lives an hour away as well) and he can’t take the wknd off.

This is your problem, really.

He wants x but it is impossible for him to fulfill that want, so he is relying on your stepping in

Your complaining that the child's mother should keep him is complaining about completely the wrong person.

Have it out with DH and agree what is going to happen in future.

Your 'd'p clearly doesn't want to look after any of his poorly children? Who sends their kids to their grandparents unwell whilst they sit at home all day. Lazy.....

What is the point of contact time if his dad is working?

That’s the issue, that his dad isn’t parenting him and is leaving him with you instead.

Your boyfriend really does have all three of you dancing to his tune. His ex, his current girlfriend (you) and your mother.

Stop having him the weekend your DP is working, it’s supposed to be contact time with his father, so it’s pointless anyway, and completely reliant on you to make it work.

If he wants to have him over, he’ll have to make childcare plans, same as anyone else does