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Original poster

When Stepkids are poorly

72 replies

anon1056 · 30/06/2023 20:30

Not sure if I’m after advice or a little anonymous vent or what so please be kind! Have SS 11, DD 9 from previous & DD together who’s coming up 2. SS stays every weekend. My DP works 1 in 4 wknds but I have him whilst DP is working all wknd. His mum is nice but quite keen to get rid and have wknds to herself she doesn’t work wknds now but she did used to but this has always been the are arrangement every wknd unless she has plans with him. Well SS was off school today poorly & she took the day off with him & DP is working all wknd. Am I being mean to think on this occasion she should have kept him home this wknd? Now Iv got 3 to take care of tomo. One is Ill and I still have other 2 to take care of (toddler is hard work too lots of fun but she’s crazy!) DP still wanted him to come over cos he misses him (he lives an hour away as well) and he can’t take the wknd off. So it’s down to me. When our toddler was poorly the other week. I had work he had a day off to rest and my mum took care of her as well. Which didn’t sit right with me either. I didn’t say anything at the time but it’s bothering me now. Am I being mean? I just thing if kids are poorly they really want their parent not step parent or grandparent really! Would it have hurt her to take care of him. Get on well with the ex but she’s very much likes her wknds to herself - shes only got the one as well.

OP posts:
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Mumof4plusbonus · 01/07/2023 15:59

Your dp is selfish. Your ss should stay with mum on the weekends your dp works, for no other reason than when does he actually get quality time with her and not just the weekday drudgery? Surely that would work best for everyone. This weekend being sick he should not have had to travel an hour to a household with a small child and his parent not even there. That’s wrong.
As for your mum minding your lo when her dad was available, well that just cements dp’s selfishness

veryfluffyfluff · 01/07/2023 21:42

They need to get a formal arrangement and stick to it. I'm so angry that you've been left to look after him tbh. That's really really bad parenting.

veryfluffyfluff · 01/07/2023 21:43

veryfluffyfluff · 01/07/2023 21:42

They need to get a formal arrangement and stick to it. I'm so angry that you've been left to look after him tbh. That's really really bad parenting.

And that's not meant to be a slur towards you I might add.

quietnightmare · 01/07/2023 21:54

To put it bluntly you are having the poss taken out of you by the ex and your DH.

Tough cookies to the ex she needs to take care of her child when your DH is in work. He's working not galavanting on night out

And sorry to say it but your husband may miss him but if he's in work you can't be expected to look after his child every time, especially when the child is not well

You shouldn't be held to a higher standard than both the biological parents

adviceneeded1990 · 01/07/2023 21:59

Surely his Dad should be caring for him in this situation? I think only parenting at the weekend creates a situation where “home” is with Mum by default, which isn’t always great if they are unwell and want “home” and Mum isn’t available. I feel for your SS, seems like he’s sick and neither parent wants to parent!

Yousee · 02/07/2023 08:18

adviceneeded1990 · 01/07/2023 21:59

Surely his Dad should be caring for him in this situation? I think only parenting at the weekend creates a situation where “home” is with Mum by default, which isn’t always great if they are unwell and want “home” and Mum isn’t available. I feel for your SS, seems like he’s sick and neither parent wants to parent!

Slightly off the point but I have to disagree with the "only parenting at the weekend" angle.
We "only" have DSD for all weekends and school holidays so now she hardly sees her mum and doesn't want to go back to hers for the one week of the summer she was meant to see her. She's only going on the days that something specific is planned.
Bottom line, mum's is now a place to rest her head before school, Dad's house is Home, where she gets to actually hang out and relax.

billy1966 · 02/07/2023 08:55

Both parents sound dreadful and they are using you as some mug.

The child is ill.

Not normal to then drop them off ill.

Your partner conveniently works whilst his children are with you.

So OP, you are being made a complete mug of and no wonder it doesn't sit well.

They both think of you as the skivvy aupair for THEIR children and a really soft touch.

You deserve better.

adviceneeded1990 · 02/07/2023 09:01

Yousee · 02/07/2023 08:18

Slightly off the point but I have to disagree with the "only parenting at the weekend" angle.
We "only" have DSD for all weekends and school holidays so now she hardly sees her mum and doesn't want to go back to hers for the one week of the summer she was meant to see her. She's only going on the days that something specific is planned.
Bottom line, mum's is now a place to rest her head before school, Dad's house is Home, where she gets to actually hang out and relax.

Show quote history

Yeah I mean all the holidays is an additional three months as well as the weekends so that’s a bit different. I just think that in general if children are with Mum all week, Mum
becomes the default parent who has to do school runs/homework/school night bath and hair washing/after school clubs and hobbies rushing about/signing permission slips and all the tiny minutia. Whereas the weekend parent has a slower pace to actually have fun and perhaps doesn’t need to remember as much or fit as much into such little time. Everyone is different though, I’m a SM too but we have 50/50 and an even split of weekday and weekend days.

Original poster
anon1056 · 02/07/2023 09:03

Thank you for all the comments. Update on whole situation now .. turns out it must of been a bug .. my toddler has it so bad 2 poorly kids to take care of yesterday. Now I have it too today! & my other DD said she felt poorly yeaterday but she’s perked up today. So now SS prob won’t be able to travel back. So I’ll have more poorly kids to take care of now whilst being Ill myself :(

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 02/07/2023 09:06

I think this has been missed but you say she barely spends time with mum .. would she rather be with mum than you ?

I say this as a mum I would not a - give away every weekend or b want my child with step parent when not well

Beamur · 02/07/2023 09:06

That's rotten for you all. Lesson learned though - put your foot down next time.
Carting a poorly kid about because it suits the adults in his life is pretty shitty parenting - from both parents.

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2023 09:07

anon1056 · 02/07/2023 09:03

Thank you for all the comments. Update on whole situation now .. turns out it must of been a bug .. my toddler has it so bad 2 poorly kids to take care of yesterday. Now I have it too today! & my other DD said she felt poorly yeaterday but she’s perked up today. So now SS prob won’t be able to travel back. So I’ll have more poorly kids to take care of now whilst being Ill myself :(

Bloody hell OP. I don't understand why you don't just put your foot down and say no to the weekends when DH isn't there, this is absolutely taking the piss. This would be the ideal opportunity to raise the point.

Frogpond · 02/07/2023 09:09

You are right one of his parents should look after him. If you have a group chat send a message to both of them asking if either of them would like to have SS for the weekend, Because unfortunately as you have two younger kids that are sick SS is unfortunately not going to get the attention he needs. If they do leave him with you put him to bed with a screen all day. He will be happy with this, but his parents won’t and hopefully won’t except you to again.

BamBamBambi · 02/07/2023 09:09

anon1056 · 02/07/2023 09:03

Thank you for all the comments. Update on whole situation now .. turns out it must of been a bug .. my toddler has it so bad 2 poorly kids to take care of yesterday. Now I have it too today! & my other DD said she felt poorly yeaterday but she’s perked up today. So now SS prob won’t be able to travel back. So I’ll have more poorly kids to take care of now whilst being Ill myself :(

This is what happens when you don’t stick up for yourself.

KR2023 · 02/07/2023 09:12

Why won't they be able to travel back? They travelled to you when ill.

They've had a bug for 3 days now at least, surely they are getting to the end of it by now and able to sit in a car 🤔you don't want them there tomorrow when their mum should have them and take time off work to care for her own child

SpainToday · 02/07/2023 09:32

truthhurts23 · 01/07/2023 12:10

if your husband was a single man , he would have to arrange his scheduled time to be when he is actually at home ,
I’m not sure why your stepson is coming to your house every weekend when his dad is not even there , it doesn’t make any sense

your husband needs to arrange to have weekends off so that he can take care of his parental responsibility and not use you as a free babysitter

Ah, ‘access by proxy’ that old chestnut. Don’t put up with it OP

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 02/07/2023 09:37

Why can't SS travel home?

He travelled to yours while he was ill so I'm sure he'll be fine in the journey back 🤷‍♀️

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 09:44

Why can't they travel with a bug? This seems overkill. Unless it's covid? They had a bug when they came.

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 02/07/2023 09:48

What kind of ill? A cold YABU. A sickness bug YANBU.

Your his family OP step or not. Why would you begrudge looking after him?

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2023 09:53

Why would you begrudge looking after him?

Very naive question. Because being a step parent does not mean providing childcare unless you want to. By default, he should be with a parent who is responsible for caring for him.

Original poster
anon1056 · 02/07/2023 10:11

Yeah a sickness bug! Both ends :( … if he’d caught it in our house they obvs can’t be helped. He was dropped here poorly on Friday evening (been sick once in the morning and been off school) then perked up. May be a coincidence but then my toddler went down with it early hours Saturday morning (could have been from nursery) now I have it which I’m not surprised I spent all day yesterday cleaning up sick and runny nappies whilst making sure SS was ok but he wasn’t sick yesterday. Now SS has been sick twice this morning. Either he already had it or he was already run down and has now caught it too. I feel so Poorly 😷 .. however toddler is bit better today bless her .. my other DD is ok for now she’s hiding out in her room (i don’t blame her!) she had a headache yesterday tho. My SS was due to get picked up this morning but can’t now as he’s being sick it’s not fair on him. His mum will have to collect him later or DP will have to take time
off work I can’t do it

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2023 10:20

anon1056 · 02/07/2023 10:11

Yeah a sickness bug! Both ends :( … if he’d caught it in our house they obvs can’t be helped. He was dropped here poorly on Friday evening (been sick once in the morning and been off school) then perked up. May be a coincidence but then my toddler went down with it early hours Saturday morning (could have been from nursery) now I have it which I’m not surprised I spent all day yesterday cleaning up sick and runny nappies whilst making sure SS was ok but he wasn’t sick yesterday. Now SS has been sick twice this morning. Either he already had it or he was already run down and has now caught it too. I feel so Poorly 😷 .. however toddler is bit better today bless her .. my other DD is ok for now she’s hiding out in her room (i don’t blame her!) she had a headache yesterday tho. My SS was due to get picked up this morning but can’t now as he’s being sick it’s not fair on him. His mum will have to collect him later or DP will have to take time
off work I can’t do it

This is really annoying to read OP, you should not be in this position. Are you going to do anything about it?

Original poster
anon1056 · 02/07/2023 10:26

Yeah next time if SS is poorly (not just a cold) if he’s sick I’m gonna say it’s not a good idea to come here to spread the germs for all the kids sake. If he insists on having him either he takes him somewhere else or il take the girls and stay somewhere else for the wknd.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/07/2023 10:37

This is what happens when you allow yourself to be treated as a mug.🙄🤷🏻‍♀️

CloudPop · 02/07/2023 10:43

comedycentral · 30/06/2023 20:33

He's on his Dad's agreed time this weekend really, that shouldn't end because he's poorly. Could DH take time off to look after him?

I find this so odd. I can't imagine insisting someone else looked after my unwell child so I could have my weekend to myself.