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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

When Stepkids are poorly

72 replies

anon1056 · 30/06/2023 20:30

Not sure if I’m after advice or a little anonymous vent or what so please be kind! Have SS 11, DD 9 from previous & DD together who’s coming up 2. SS stays every weekend. My DP works 1 in 4 wknds but I have him whilst DP is working all wknd. His mum is nice but quite keen to get rid and have wknds to herself she doesn’t work wknds now but she did used to but this has always been the are arrangement every wknd unless she has plans with him. Well SS was off school today poorly & she took the day off with him & DP is working all wknd. Am I being mean to think on this occasion she should have kept him home this wknd? Now Iv got 3 to take care of tomo. One is Ill and I still have other 2 to take care of (toddler is hard work too lots of fun but she’s crazy!) DP still wanted him to come over cos he misses him (he lives an hour away as well) and he can’t take the wknd off. So it’s down to me. When our toddler was poorly the other week. I had work he had a day off to rest and my mum took care of her as well. Which didn’t sit right with me either. I didn’t say anything at the time but it’s bothering me now. Am I being mean? I just thing if kids are poorly they really want their parent not step parent or grandparent really! Would it have hurt her to take care of him. Get on well with the ex but she’s very much likes her wknds to herself - shes only got the one as well.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SpainToday · 02/07/2023 11:24

i have posted this before but DH’s ex would happily have spread bubonic plague between the two households, just so long as the visiting rota was upheld

yogasaurus · 02/07/2023 12:21

SpainToday · 02/07/2023 11:24

i have posted this before but DH’s ex would happily have spread bubonic plague between the two households, just so long as the visiting rota was upheld

Same, DH’s ex used to send them round poorly and proclaim, you can’t do anything this weekend now, you know!

IThinkItsCalledAButt · 02/07/2023 12:50

I think your SCs parents should arrange contact for when they are actually around firstly.

But secondly, no I don't think it's right to pass children around when they are ill. It works both ways, we have kept DSC with us when they've been ill before instead of sending back to mum just to infect her household and vice versa. I don't think mums weekend off trumps her child's comfort and the rest of your household not getting ill. Especially considering their dad isn't even there anyway.

Not a chance would I expect someone else who wasn't my child's parent to care for them when they were ill so I could have a weekend off (when I got every other weekend off).

Original poster

anon1056 · 02/07/2023 13:09

Omg now the ex has had the cheek to ask if he can stay here and my DP take the day off work to care for him so she doesn’t have to! prob open another can of worms. Surely he’d have a quieter time at home recovering with just him and his mum. Than a house of 5 when he’s here (plus we only have 1 bathroom). Thankfully my DP has said no she’ll have to fetch him as it’s not fair on SS. If I wasn’t Ill and my toddler I honestly don’t mind helping he is my SS and I do want to help where I can. But sickness bugs are just insane!

OP posts:

pimplesquisher · 02/07/2023 13:15

anon1056 · 30/06/2023 20:39

He can’t take another wknd off cos last time he did it because he thought his mum hasn’t spend enough time with him in the week (he stays with family in the wk sometimes if she has plans to do stuff in the week too). If he loses his job taking time off then there’s bigger issues. I just think kids usually want their parent when they’re Ill. It’s not a formal arrangement she will quite often change the wknd arrangement if she has something on she wants to do when he’s not ill.

It's not his mum's responsibility to arrange care on his dad's time. Your DH should take time off. If that affects his job, he needs to find employment that understnds the needs of parents. Or as others have said, don't have him on the weekends yur DH works.

daffodills1 · 02/07/2023 13:26

That's exactly why I would never go out with someone who has children already..

Sometimeswinning · 02/07/2023 13:58

It's all very directed at the ex. Your dh Co parents (very little it seems) She's already taken the day off so it's his turn. Plus you can't say on one hand he shouldn't travel an hour in the car to you but the other way is fine when he's poorly.

KR2023 · 02/07/2023 18:59

if he’s sick I’m gonna say it’s not a good idea to come here to spread the germs for all the kids sake

Ooh that is REALLY telling them!! "It's not a good idea" - wow! They won't forget that tongue lashing

SpainToday · 02/07/2023 19:43

I’m sure there are posters who will say that in a ‘together’ family, sickness just has to be dealt with, regardless of how many other people are in the household, but split families are not ‘together’ so the situations are not comparable. However when a child lives across two households, this does give a ‘quarantine’ option, which may spare the other household an outbreak of something unpleasant. But this would mean applying common sense and that’s often in short supply in these situations

CornishGem1975 · 03/07/2023 09:31

SpainToday · 02/07/2023 11:24

i have posted this before but DH’s ex would happily have spread bubonic plague between the two households, just so long as the visiting rota was upheld

This bugs the shit out of me. I try really hard to limit the spread of illness with my own DC. If they're ill when they're with me they stay with me, if they're ill when they're at their dads, they stay with their dad. Why spread illness around unnecessarily, or shift kids around when they're feeling gross. My SC though...that's a different matter.

SpainToday · 03/07/2023 09:33

@CornishGem1975 absolutely, all common sense goes out the window - the visiting rota trumps everything.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/07/2023 08:07

You should agree to look after him
On the weekends that he's working, that's on your husband to reschedule

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 08:10

Why are you agreeing to look after him?!! Either his Dad takes the time off or back to his mothers house he goes. Don’t provide free childcare for kids that aren’t yours, you’ll never be thanked for it & it will always be expected

KR2023 · 07/07/2023 09:24

I think those last 2 posts show what a confusing place it is to be a SM.

"Look after him!"

"Don't look after him!"

Both so adamant. No winning whatever you do

Louoby · 08/07/2023 17:44

I would 100% stop looking after his son when he's at work. He's treating you like his childcare. You have other children and tbh your step child isn't your problem. I have and would never have my step children here if my parents at work, I have my own children to look after and wouldn't need to be responsible or do anything for anymore.
You've made a rod for your own back. Your DH needs to take weekends off when his child is here

YukoandHiro · 08/07/2023 17:45

Your DH should be off work to look after him, just like the mum did yesterday. Why doesn't he expect to do this? Why does he expect you to do it?

namechangenacy · 08/07/2023 17:53

KR2023 · 02/07/2023 18:59

if he’s sick I’m gonna say it’s not a good idea to come here to spread the germs for all the kids sake

Ooh that is REALLY telling them!! "It's not a good idea" - wow! They won't forget that tongue lashing

What telling a kid that it's not good to spread germs ?

That's a tongue lashing 😅 what a sheltered life some lead 🤯

Babyghirl · 10/07/2023 09:13

@anon1056
I don't get I want him her cause I miss him, but blows of to work when he's there, hardly someone that missus his son, sorry I have sk and no way would I be looking after them every weekend there dad was working, and deffo not when sick they have 2 parents and I'm not one of them, put your foot down if dad's not there he does nt stay.

People will say if it's dad's weekend blaaablaaablaa, neither here nor there if its dad's weekend if he's not there to look after him he can't stay end off, it's not the mums problem to sort childcare but also not yours.

Wenfy · 10/07/2023 09:23

Seems like you’re a mug. I can’t believe you’re giving your DP a get out of jail card when it comes to parenting his own child. I bet you aren’t that accomodating to your daughter’s dad.

KR2023 · 11/07/2023 09:26

namechangenacy · 08/07/2023 17:53

What telling a kid that it's not good to spread germs ?

That's a tongue lashing 😅 what a sheltered life some lead 🤯

Show quote history

Eh?

Jamjaris · 11/12/2023 11:51

You need to sit down with your DP and say when he is away working then his son is not spending time with him and as you have a toddler you are too busy running around after her. Tell him his son coming over ill was last straw as you’ve all caught the bug and you fed up of providing most of the childcare of his children when he should be there on the days they are meant to see him. He farms out your DD when she’s ill and he’s off work is how he sees parenting, not his problem!

SheilaFentiman · 12/12/2023 17:36

It was your DP who wanted the kid still to come?

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