Holidaying with stepchildren?

[Namechangeforonce]

Not sure why I’ve name changed, none of them are likely to be on here, but you never know!

Ive been with DP for a little over a year, he has two children, a boy (12) and a girl (7). Their mother isn’t on the scene. I’ve met them a fair few times, and they are lovely, really nice kids. I’ve not stayed overnight with them, so far - I only met them maybe 9/10 months into the relationship. I don’t have kids of my own.

We’ve had a couple of weekends away where his parents have looked after the kids, but he’s suggested us going on holiday next year sometime, and obviously (rightly) including the children.

I was all for the idea, but because of the kids ages, it means us all in one room (unless we get an apartment type thing with separate bedrooms, but that’s likely to cost a lot more and he would rather do a hotel with all inclusive), and that’s making me feel a bit unsure.

Its nothing against the kids, I really like them, and it’s far enough away that by the time it rolls around, I might feel more comfortable with it anyway - but there’s something that’s making the idea of a) sharing a bed with their dad in the same room as them, and b) sharing with what will be at that point a 13 year old boy, not sit quite right with me.

If I say no, he’ll go away with the kids on his own, and we’ll maybe go away for a long weekend somewhere. Im NOT expecting him to go on a two weeks holiday without his kids, and like I said - if it were two rooms then I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

Does anyone have any experience of this, or any suggestions please? Am I just overthinking it? As a kid, my parents split up and my dad almost immediately met someone else and moved in and we were sort of forced into blended family mode and it caused a fair few problems, so I’m really conscious that I don’t want to make the same sort of mistakes, or do anything to hurt the relationship with them.

Hey there. Your concerns are valid, especially at those ages. I have an 11 year old stepson and we are going on holidays next week and all sharing one room because unfortunately we cannot afford the 2nd room. I think the difference is I've been in his life 8 years. We didn't go on holidays until maybe 3 years in. We did stay in one hotel when he was maybe 4 but I took the single and he went in double with Dad.

If I were in your situation, I think I would suggest to your partner that a holiday sounds great and you'd love to go but to be fair to the kids feelings etc you'd prefer to see if you could stay somewhere with either 2 rooms, or a one bed with pullout sofa in the lounge etc.

I'd also try to put him off booking anything until maybe Christmas time, just so you and the kids can get more comfortable with eachother. You could suggest a joint savinings fund In the meantime so he doesn't feel you are just putting it off.

I think you are right to pause. Your first holiday potentially being an expensive 2 weeks away in the same room frankly sounds like a nightmare to me!
For context I have 2 SDC and have been away with them many times. Never for that long and the thought of zero privacy would have been a hard no from me. However much you like them you really will need somewhere to have some time by yourself..
It's your holiday too - don't fall into thinking it all has to be about what everyone else wants and needs.
Personally I would try a shorter trip and seperate rooms would be essential for me. A teenage boy in with you could be very embarrassing for everyone.

Just get an AirBnB or an apartment and go for a week. Two weeks in a shared room in an all-inclusive resort sounds hellish for everyone.

I wouldn't go and all stay in one room. Sounds like a nightmare. Zero privacy and quite frankly not ideal. Some hotels have two bedrooms and a living area, I would definitely suggest spending that bit more and gaining an apartment type thing. It would be a no from me. If he says no, send him on his way and go away with your friends. Then do a couple weekend breaks. Tbh a year in isn't a lot of time to gauge whether things will still be all happy to share one room even if you believe it would work now, it may not next year. Children change, boys get stroppy and dynamics aren't the same.

Thanks for the input - glad it’s not something that’s all in my head!

to be fair, we’ve not discussed the two week thing, it may well just be a week, but that doesn’t change how I feel. It’s one of those situations whether neither of us are wrong, I suppose - he doesn’t have an issue with it, but has said I should decide whether I’m comfortable with the idea first. He suggested we could try to find an apartment with a separate bedroom, but then did also say we could have a weekend away on our own if not.

I do feel a bit more validated now about things - my relationship with my dad never recovered after those first few years, and I’m conscious of wanting to do things right by the kids, but there’s the potential to go too far with that!

Im gagging for a holiday in the sun, but I do think I’ll say it would only work for me if there were separate places to sleep, there’s bound to be some workaround with it!

I'm with you, OP. I think your DP is not thinking straight about this. Putting your personal (valid) misgivings to one side, I think it is completely unreasonable to put a 13 year old boy in the position of having to share a room for two weeks with a woman he really doesn't know all that well. And who is sharing a bed with his dad! Urgh!

Far, Far better to get an apartment with separate bedrooms - even if it means compromising on the length of the trip.

Go into TUI and ask for hotels AI with two bedrooms.

I stayed at protur safari Park in majorca. It has a separate room with the double bed, and kids sleep on 2 separate sofa type beds in living area. Plenty of hotels where you can have a separate sleep space. Just keep looking til you find what you want.

For sure, and they aren’t yet in the ‘awkward stroppy teenage’ stage, but may well be by the time it rolls around!

to be clear - it wouldn’t be until next summer at the earliest, so we’d be over two years in at that point, and I’ll have spent a lot more time with the kids by then, and I’d like to think we’d all be comfortable with each other.

i wouldn’t book something now, i can’t imagine it being booked this year even - but I’d rather address it early on than go along with it and bring it up at the last minute. I don’t know anybody that’s in this situation to get their opinion on it either, so this has been really useful

I dont even like to share a room with my own kids if I can avoid it!

We’ve always booked a separate room for the kids. There was a couple of nights in airport hotels we all bunked in. But they were teenagers, who even though I lived with thei dad, who had them a lot, they needed their own space as did I.

we still have been away a fair bit even now they are young adults and have again bunked in with them all for the odd airport hotel or other stuff ….but that’s been for a get in late up early kind of thing.

I’d let him go on his own with them tbh if you can’t afford a separate room. Or you book a room to yourseOf at the resort.

Yeah, thinking about it no 13 year old lad want to sleep in the same room as dads girlfriend.

This looks like it would be perfect, thank you (and bonus points for the username - big fan!)
that’s the sort of thing I think would work. I’d hate to make his children feel uncomfortable (and like someone’s already said, it’s my holiday too!) - but then I suppose 13 is also about the age where they wouldn’t want to share with even their parents - so when I frame it like that, it seems much less of an issue that only affects me.

Two weeks sharing a room with your step-children! Is he completely mad. This is a terrible set-up for both you and the children. I'd be nipping this sort of thing in the bud.

I could book a separate room, to be fair. But Im not sure why I should have to, we’re going on holiday together so I don’t want to sleep apart. I’d also assume the single supplement would outweigh the costs of upgrading from one family room to a one bed apartment type thing (which is what I’d prefer) And I don’t want to set a precedent that it’s all on me to sort ( that’s very much my default setting and I’m trying to change that!). I’m absolutely sure he’ll be fine with booking an apartment style room when we next talk about it, the more you’ve all commented has cemented my feelings on it now!

The 13 year old will not want to share an apartment with his dad's girlfriend. I shared with my 13 year old son (as he was then) and that was bad enough.

... so everyone has to go to bed when the 7y old does? That doesn't seem practical, unless the setting includes a patio for the adults to sit inside.

No, we certainly didn't go to bed. Mine were 6 and 4 when we went. There is always the balcony area. My kids didn't go to bed early either! About 10, then we chilled on the balcony and played some games or read in the bedroom.

It was my favourite AI, food far better than others I've stayed in. Proper tui kids club, really well ran. Pools were fab, kids pools, and a little waterpark at the back of the complex (extra payment for that though, but not expensive).
You're the first person to comment on my username and I've had it for years. Bit niche maybe 🤣

Your instincts are spot on OP.

DP and I had 13yo boys when we met - we met through them. 5 years later we've never shared a room with a teen that wasn't our own! We still go away with our own kids if the situation warrants it, as well as combined trips.

@kirinm yes, you’re right. At not much past 13, they’d expect their own room anyway - so doing that a little early doesn’t seem so bad!

@ThisMustBeMyDream fair few thousand people on Sunday won’t think it’s niche - me included!

he only broached the suggestion last week, it’s still way way ahead in the future, and I do think he’ll respect my opinion on it. So far we’ve been pretty good at talking through anything that bothers us, and I’ve no reason to think this will be any different.

I have a 14 SD and we don't share a room when on holiday look at TUI they have rooms with sliding doors to separate the sleeping areas and some have two bedrooms.. look at the holiday villages as they usually have a separate lounge sleeping to the bedroom .. this worked well for us .

Agree, It’s not appropriate for you to share but I think you’ll find loads of AI options with divided family rooms, 1 or 2 bedroom apartments etc.

Oh, I've just thought, we are about to book for a place next year and it has 2 separate bedrooms and is not expensive (comparison to other AIs in school holidays!). Ramada resort by Wyndham Kusadasi (Turkey). It has good reviews on TripAdvisor, and there's a fb page with people posting their experiences who are all loving it it seems. Someone on there has posted a video of the family rooms which look amazing. They have kitchens, and even a washing machine! 2 beds, 2 bathrooms.
Tbh kusadasi is okayish but not amazing, has a nice harbour, and beach okay, some good trips to be had. But it isn't my favourite place in the world. I've been twice simply because of good deals, and will go a 3rd time for the same reason.

I’ve only done the shared hotel room for a handful of overnight trips & I’ve found it difficult, having to sit in near silence for hours to not wake them up where they go to sleep earlier. I have a firm line at home that they aren’t allowed in our bedroom so sharing a room feels strange. If it’s ever more than a 1 night thing we get an Airbnb. I don’t know if it’s bad planning or bad luck but I’ve never been able to book the sort of hotel suite that has another bedroom for them to sleep in through a connecting door