Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

What’s reasonable?

88 replies

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 20:58

Looking to get some help figuring out if I’m being reasonable or not!

My partner has 2 children full time and I have none. I own my house outright. For various reasons connected with divorce my partner has no assets. We both work full time. My partner earns a little more than me.

my partner has moved in with the kids. The other bio parent does not provide financially or in any other way for the kids.

how should the finances be split?
should they pay any rent?
how should childcare be dealt with? (There is school pick up and drop off to be done & no easy other childcare available).
what is reasonable to expect from me in terms of parenting?
what should be the split of domestic work - cooking, cleaning etc?

I’m trying to get some unbiased opinions hence the lack of details!

OP posts:
HebeJeeby · 11/06/2023 21:03

Imo, he should pay nothing towards your mortgage( to protect your home) and 2/3 of the bills/food. All of the children’s expenses (clothes, clubs) should be borne by him. I would not expect to be involved in any childcare, after all he managed before you came on the scene. But that’s just me. All parenting duties such as the children’s washing etc.. should be done by him. He is the parent. Just be careful you don’t take on all the responsibilities of being a parent and he just gets the good bits.

AfricanGrey · 11/06/2023 21:09

Sounds like you need to be on cocklodger alert.

Littlefish · 11/06/2023 21:18

Presumably you discussed all of this before you moved in together?

arethereanyleftatall · 11/06/2023 21:21

Finances - no rent but 2/3 or maybe even 3/4 of all the bills and food.
Parent should be the only one paying for all their dc stuff and should be doing all the childcare requirements.

candlesflamesandbrooms · 11/06/2023 21:37

HebeJeeby · 11/06/2023 21:03

Imo, he should pay nothing towards your mortgage( to protect your home) and 2/3 of the bills/food. All of the children’s expenses (clothes, clubs) should be borne by him. I would not expect to be involved in any childcare, after all he managed before you came on the scene. But that’s just me. All parenting duties such as the children’s washing etc.. should be done by him. He is the parent. Just be careful you don’t take on all the responsibilities of being a parent and he just gets the good bits.

Spot on in the first response.

Concerning how this is being discussed as what should I take on.

Tbh I would be running

caringcarer · 11/06/2023 21:54

HebeJeeby · 11/06/2023 21:03

Imo, he should pay nothing towards your mortgage( to protect your home) and 2/3 of the bills/food. All of the children’s expenses (clothes, clubs) should be borne by him. I would not expect to be involved in any childcare, after all he managed before you came on the scene. But that’s just me. All parenting duties such as the children’s washing etc.. should be done by him. He is the parent. Just be careful you don’t take on all the responsibilities of being a parent and he just gets the good bits.

This sounds fair. He is the parent. I less you marry you are not even a step parent to these children. I'd think long and hard before agreeing they move in with you. They will collectively out number you.

ChampagneBlossom44 · 11/06/2023 22:05

Personally I WOULD want him to pay some rent, even if it’s token amount. He may well be your partner, but I’m assuming that his kids take up a minimum of 1 bedroom or more, that you can no longer use? There’s general wear & tear of 3 extra people here which I know from even part time kids, can add up pretty fast. 3/4 of food & utilities is reasonable on top of whatever you want for rent & he’s still financially better off with you than he would be renting elsewhere PLUS the added luxury of the support of an extra adult in the home.

i think it’s really worth getting on the same page as early as possible about chores, his expectations of you with the children, your expectations of him as a partner & father, find out about how aligned your feelings are on this. How much are you actually comfortable to take on regarding his children? State your deal-breakers early on. And generally a good idea to discuss the less nice practicalities too, ie if you separate, how long does he have to vacate?

jelly79 · 11/06/2023 22:13

I would really think this would work differently to every couple

I couldn't live with someone who has full responsibility for their kids and not get involved and support them.

Weal · 11/06/2023 22:19

i think you need legal advice about protecting your assets/house. I agree with others maybe him paying 3/4 of bills would be sensible and all of any bills related to his children (eg childcare, Disney subscription etc).

As for how much childcare. Ideally he should be 100% responsible for childcare, I assume he has been previously. Then over time maybe you help out/step in as and when appropriate. If I were you I wouldn’t be agreeing to any regular school drop offs or anything like that.

I think you should be both very clear with your expectations. Ideally the conversation would have happened before moving really.

Is there scope they may ever have contact with their other parent. Or are they likely to be with their dad 100% forever.

IncomingTraffic · 11/06/2023 22:24

I think you need to a legal cohabitation agreement that protects your assets.

You don’t have to take on nanny/housekeeper duties. He’s their parent.

SemperIdem · 11/06/2023 22:51

You need to protect your assets, because this situation has so many red flags it’s a circus.

BrightLightsCalling · 11/06/2023 23:05

I think you’re crazy to let her/him move in with you with 2 kids. 😬

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 11/06/2023 23:10

In the nicest possible way, many if not all of these things should have been agreed prior to cohabitation

Definitely protect your house

School runs depends on their age and ability

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/06/2023 23:10

How did you get to the stage of them moving in without hammering all of this out properly? I don’t get it.

Original poster
Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 11/06/2023 23:33

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

Not if they’re not my children, no.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 11/06/2023 23:34

I mean, if the intention is to "take them on as your own" even to the degree of legally adopting then that is how you would function as a unit yes.

Is Mum definitely absolutely permanently off the scene?

At the same time if you are a bit in love with this situation now allow your inner cynic some room to make sure you are not being taken advantage of

IncomingTraffic · 12/06/2023 03:33

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

They’re not your children though. You know that. They know that. He knows that. Their extended family know that.

You’re not forming a (nuclear) family unit. You’re not adopting children (even if you did adopt them, they’d still have always been ‘his’ and that makes a difference).

what will almost certainly happen is that you get to be all in financially, emotionally. But, when it comes to actually having a say in things… nope. Not their parent. So what you think doesn’t matter. In fact, how dare you have an opinion about that. You’re the problem, you wicked stepmother.

That’s a depressingly common stepfamily story.

Of course, I’m sure he is piling on the ‘making a family’ part of things. He is benefitting from you believing it’s your duty to do his school runs and pay half his expenses and so on.

You’re not even married though. Are you? Which should tell you something. It’s not that marriage is the ultimate aim for all relationships. Or should be. But any rhetoric of ‘forming a family unit’ and ‘being in it equally’ look a bit ridiculous if you aren’t taking that step.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 12/06/2023 03:45

HebeJeeby · 11/06/2023 21:03

Imo, he should pay nothing towards your mortgage( to protect your home) and 2/3 of the bills/food. All of the children’s expenses (clothes, clubs) should be borne by him. I would not expect to be involved in any childcare, after all he managed before you came on the scene. But that’s just me. All parenting duties such as the children’s washing etc.. should be done by him. He is the parent. Just be careful you don’t take on all the responsibilities of being a parent and he just gets the good bits.

Spot on

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 12/06/2023 04:49

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

No, especially not on the childcare. Expecting a step parent to do 50% of the childcare really isn't ok and I would be seriously questioning DPs parenting if they wanted me to do that. You're not a parent, you're no even a real step parent yet. Over time maybe something else would evolve naturally along with the relationship between step parent and the children, but I'd say at the outset at least 95% of the parenting should be done by the child's parent. Yes it's tough if they're doing it on their own, that doesn't make it ok for them to expect to move in with someone else and have that person parent. I would never do that to my kids, and I really wouldn't think much of a parent that tried this on, or pushed for this.

SnapPop · 12/06/2023 04:55

The only way that it's ok for the stepparent to do 50% of all the childcare and household stuff is if they are 100% keen to do so. In other words it could be freely given but should definitely not be an expectation. And they have the right to change their mind later if they do find themselves taking on too much!

hattyhathat · 12/06/2023 06:41

how should the finances be split?
Personally I would have a joint pot for all the day to day costs. And a personal pot for your own costs. He should then put extra in the joint pot to pay for his kids food etc (it doesn't have to be exact or it gets silly). Anything else the kids need comes out his personal pot.

should they pay any rent? I wouldn't in this scenario personally - provided the above is happening with joint account.

how should childcare be dealt with? (There is school pick up and drop off to be done & no easy other childcare available). how is he doing it at the moment without getting you involved. That is how it should be done - as if you don't exist.

what is reasonable to expect from me in terms of parenting? I go for the - if they are going to hurt themselves or someone else I'll get involved. Otherwise he's the boss.

what should be the split of domestic work - cooking, cleaning etc? you can either do this 50/50 if you both work full time or, what we do is he is in charge of their laundry and tidying their room etc the rest is 50/50. If you start trying to say he should do more as there are his kids there too it starts to get far too fiddly and just leads to drama. It's kind of the one thing I've had to accept - sometimes you will be doing housework for his kids. As long as he is pulling his weight it won't be an issue. Cooking just whoever is cooking does it for everyone.

hattyhathat · 12/06/2023 06:42

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

No. And especially not at early days of moving in together.

RattyHealy · 12/06/2023 06:43

@IncomingTraffic I agree with a lot of your post but you don't have to be married to be a family unit. Yes, there are good reasons to get married but I know lots of happy and successful families where they're not.

I also wouldn't be encouraging someone in a good financial position with their home owned outright to be risking that stability in a divorce.

RattyHealy · 12/06/2023 06:46

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

Not really no. They're not your kids to pay for and provide childcare for. If you do something it should be because you've offered and you want to and not expected.

Financially you need to protect yourself. Again, not your children to support and it's not his house. Don't get in a situation where he's claiming part of your house because he's paid towards the mortgage/bought a new kitchen/done loads of work on it.

Also think carefully about whether you can protect this asset if you ever get married.