Page 4 | What’s reasonable?

Walkingbythesea · 2023-06-11T19:58:41+00:00

Looking to get some help figuring out if I’m being reasonable or not! My partner has 2 children full time and I have none. I own my house outright. For various reasons connected with divorce my partner has no assets. We both work full time. My partner earns a little more than me. my partner has moved in with the kids. The other bio parent does not provide financially or in any other way for the kids. how should the finances be split? should they pay any rent? how should childcare be dealt with? (There is school pick up and drop off to be done & no easy other childcare available). what is reasonable to expect from me in terms of parenting? what should be the split of domestic work - cooking, cleaning etc? I’m trying to get some unbiased opinions hence the lack of details!

MissTrip82 · 12/06/2023 10:25

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

This is basically what we did. It’s a risk. The whole situation’s a risk. For us, it’s been worth it.

TBH often on Mumsnet I see people advocating this when the woman is the parent and has no assets.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 12/06/2023 10:34

Agree @MissTrip82 and that's not fair on the bloke either. No one should be expected to provide for 2 children when they weren't involved in the making of them. Under any circumstances.
Happy its worked out for you though Miss 😊

DidyouNO · 12/06/2023 11:53

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

I have four children, two live at home. When my (now husband) first moved in with us (he has no children) he insisted on splitting the bills 50/50. I can't say what you should do but I have now put the house in his name because I felt at some point I wanted to commit and for 5+ years he's paid half of all bills. Kids birthdays, days out. Everything. But your relationship sounds very new. Start of slow and be caustics is my only advise.

IncomingTraffic · 12/06/2023 12:11

If you want to protect your asset, then definitely DO NOT marry. Divorce law will screw you over if it doesn’t work out.

There’s a big difference between being involved with someone’s kids and taking in school runs, other childcare and such like.

Isthisit22 · 13/06/2023 21:14

Don’t get married. He will be entitled to 50% of your house if you do- there is no way to stop this if you marry

Honeychickpea · 13/06/2023 21:21

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

I don't, but it wouldn't surprise me if your partner does.

Honeychickpea · 13/06/2023 21:56

Grumpyfroghats · 12/06/2023 07:39

I agree!

But I see it listed as a red flag when men do it.

And it's hardly an act of generosity

Show quote history

No, but it's a wise act of self preservation.

billy1966 · 14/06/2023 15:47

He saw you coming for sure.

How convenient to find a solvent women with a house to parent his children.

How unexpectedly they are now with you fulltime.

No doubt he will expect you to absolutely be on board.

Would you like children of your own?

What the appeal of this situation holds for you I have no idea, but I can sure see the MASSIVE appeal it holds for him.

Is he expecting you to house AND pay 50/50 for his children?
Probably is.🙄.

I would be very very slow to be committing financially in this way.

I can only see this situation holding any appeal to the most desperate or naive of women unfortunately.

It usually gets even harder if you have a child yourself......straight into the mental load for 3 children.

Not for the faint hearted.

Be careful OP.

So many women bitterly regret similar choices.

PussyGalore1 · 14/06/2023 17:39

oP, he’s got you well trained hasn’t he? Red flags everywhere

SparklyShark · 15/06/2023 15:29

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

Definitely not. This way madness lies. You need strong boundaries and the understanding that they are your partners' children, his responsibility. Trying to view this in the same way as a nuclear family would be a disaster - unless you are literally going to adopt the children and for all intents and purposes become their parent. Otherwise being a step family is very different to simply becoming a family unit.

I agree with others no rent (also get legal advice to ensure he has no claim to your house), and he should pay 3/4 bills and all cost related to children. Childcare is down to DP.

You are actually providing a huge amount of support to them by letting them move in!

Honeyroar · 15/06/2023 15:48

I was n a similar position in that a man with a child moved into my house. We were always a team. I had a horse and he would do all the care for that when I was working away (frequently, I was cabin crew). I was happy to pick up childcare or school runs on my days off. We never discussed it, it just evolved into a case of whoever it was easiest for did what needed doing. We’re still together nearly two decades later, still very much a team in what needs doing. Obviously his child is grown up now and we get on well.
I could never have sat on my backside watching him struggle with school runs etc. I don’t really understand why you’d live with/marry someone if you want to keep your lives separate. My husband put a lot less money into our property, but has done a lot more of the work it’s needed. If we split tomorrow I’d split 50/50.

MilkTeeths · 15/06/2023 15:52

Walkingbythesea · 11/06/2023 23:30

Is there anyone who thinks that if you are forming a family unit that you should be in it equally? So the 2 adults cover all household expenses, domestic & childcare duties 50/50.

I do! Mother of 3 here and 2 of them are my step children. Never adopted, never called me mum. Only see their mum a couple of times a year and she usually lets them down when they do.

Husband and I have joint finances and everything just comes out of one pot. We bought our house together. He had roughly the same equity as me at the start - but that was now a very long time ago and we don’t talk in those terms. My step children have been in my life since they were 2 and 3.

All 3 children are equally provided for in our will - but my step children’s share is ringfenced (in trust), just in case husband dies first and I were to turn wicked in my old age. 🧙‍♀️

I do way more than 50% of everything around here - but, ask my husband - he swears he does half! 😅 Love the bones of him and very happy with my life. Millions of other stepmums would not be… and a handful of them will be along in a moment to tell me I’m fucking crazy. And that I shouldn’t call myself a mum of 3, if 2 of them didn’t come from my skanky old bronze uterus. And that my husband is taking advantage of me. LTB. It’s abuse. Have some self respect.

Love all of my children dearly. Try very very hard to not play favourites - and I mean that in both directions. Sometimes I think my affection towards my youngest is so strong that my step children must feel a bit hurt. Sometimes I find myself being softer on my step children than my youngest daughter because I want so badly to be liked (and not wicked)

I have had times that it hasn’t been rosy. Can’t say it’s always perfect.

aSofaNearYou · 15/06/2023 15:55

Honeyroar · 15/06/2023 15:48

I was n a similar position in that a man with a child moved into my house. We were always a team. I had a horse and he would do all the care for that when I was working away (frequently, I was cabin crew). I was happy to pick up childcare or school runs on my days off. We never discussed it, it just evolved into a case of whoever it was easiest for did what needed doing. We’re still together nearly two decades later, still very much a team in what needs doing. Obviously his child is grown up now and we get on well.
I could never have sat on my backside watching him struggle with school runs etc. I don’t really understand why you’d live with/marry someone if you want to keep your lives separate. My husband put a lot less money into our property, but has done a lot more of the work it’s needed. If we split tomorrow I’d split 50/50.

I've noticed that quite often when people subscribe to this line of thinking, they themselves have something that their DH is doing for them, so often it's that both partners have kids from a former relationship, in your case, it's a horse.

It can feel different when it's all take and no give. And quite often, for women, they're already doing more than their fair share and feel somewhat unappreciated and put upon