What’s reasonable?

[Walkingbythesea]

Looking to get some help figuring out if I’m being reasonable or not!

My partner has 2 children full time and I have none. I own my house outright. For various reasons connected with divorce my partner has no assets. We both work full time. My partner earns a little more than me.

my partner has moved in with the kids. The other bio parent does not provide financially or in any other way for the kids.

how should the finances be split?
should they pay any rent?
how should childcare be dealt with? (There is school pick up and drop off to be done & no easy other childcare available).
what is reasonable to expect from me in terms of parenting?
what should be the split of domestic work - cooking, cleaning etc?

I’m trying to get some unbiased opinions hence the lack of details!

Men should protect their assets when then come into stepfamilies too.

In a perfect relationship yes, but equally means equal say in parenting and rules and spending not just equal work and pickups. If you aren’t getting that then absolutely not equally on the finances etc. if they decide club x and team y then they can pay for it and leave work early to pick them up. Equal does not mean doing all the cooking and most of the washing because you are a woman either!

I agree!

But I see it listed as a red flag when men do it.

And it's hardly an act of generosity

So you are assuming the partner is a man. So let’s agree it is. Would you be making this comment if it was a woman and her kids moving in?

I agree with The aforementioned financials (parent pays at least two/thirds of food and half of bills and most to do with kids) but I don't think all the childcare comes down to them. I think if you have a relationship and children are involved you also become involved with the children.
Have you said their ages? If primary then I'd expect the new partner to be able to help them with homework/get involved with their sport/know what's going on in school/do some ferrying to play dates etc. maybe not totally half, but are they now a family unit or not?
Chores should be 50/50 as you both work full time. But if it was my job to do the laundry I'm not going to pick out the kids clothes - I'd do it all.
I think the issue is your house. You want to ring fence that.

I don't care which sex they are, their parent is their parent and expecting a new partner to pay 50% is not on, let alone expecting 50% child care out of them, which is so much worse. Even leaving out the basic unfairness of using the new partner in this way I wouldn't do that to my kids, they're my and stbxh kids, maybe one day they'll have a step parent whose in their life enough to be like a loved family member, but the circumstances where a step parent becomes and truly is a parent are very limited. Outside of those limited circumstances no step parent should be doing 50% care.

Sure mate, that’s real life isn’t it? It’s well known that step mothers never do anything at all with their step kids and are never expected to 🙄

If they managed before meeting you they should be able to manage now especially if you don't charge them rent.

It's too early days to start blending all the assets etc. And any childcare you give, and it will be childcare not parenting, should be received with gratitude and no expectations.

Grow up FFS. All this derailing from women soooo concerned about the poor Menz, it’s beyond cringy.

Presumably not unless she had a cock

No concern about the poor men at all. Just pointing out the double standards that a woman wouldn’t be called the female equivalent of a cocklodger if she moved in with her kids

There are no double standards because no one here knows what sex they are, so no one has changed their mind or given conflicting advice, your just desperate to find men being treated unfairly for some bizarre reason. Maybe to try and prove that women don’t generally have it worse in this world for some reason? I don’t know or care what your motive is really, but maybe you’d be happier on Reddit, where the normal positive male bias is in full swing.

Interesting range of views! Thank you all for taking the time.
just to clarify a few points:
We’ve known each other for a very long time
The kids are 6 & 9 & see me as a step parent.
previously shared care by both parents but unexpectedly kids now f/t with my partner
The other parent no longer has an PR for kids and won’t regain this but sees them in a limited supervised way. So zero financial support or parenting.
Intention is to get married at some point.

Nevertheless, free accommodation is a massive financial contribution. It's most peoples major outgoing.

It could be that the parent would lose benefits though by moving in with OP which makes it more difficult to give a clear answer on finances. DWP certainly expect step parents to share finances.

What is your intention re property?

Regarding property: Intention would be to jointly buy eventually but inevitably I’d have the majority stake. Protecting my asset is important. Hopefully it would all work out but if not I want to be sure I wouldn’t financially lose out.

Then I wouldn't be charging them rent not unless you did it all formerly.

Don’t marry then if you want to protect your assets.

bills they should pay 3/4

bills related to children eg child care they should pay

housework 50/50; you both live there

jobs relating solely to children; tbh I would probably help out, but you don’t have to-they are not your kids. But if you are thinking of becoming a family unit then yes, that is the direction of travel. Just be careful you are not doing ALL child related jobs such as school runs. Max I would do is 50/50. Partner should also be their emergency contact for sickness etc; I wouldn’t cover that.

No. Their his kids, he should do the vast majority of it with potentially the odd favour from you.

Your absolute first move should be legal advice. If he/she objects that's a massive red flag. Once that's sorted and depending on the advice, he/she should pay for at least .75 of all bills.

Childcare is obviously his/her responsibility, but you need to have a clear, frank and open discussion. Set out what you're prepared to do, remembering that this could well be the next 10/15 years. Be practical and pragmatic. The hearts and flowers can come AFTER the nuts and bolts.

If I had my partner and kids move into my home that I owned I would not ask for money for rent. I would expect them to put in more to cover bills and food though. That would be a pretty sweet deal for someone with two kids to house them all. So they would pay 70% of all shared bills (slightly less than 3/4 as two are children) and the majority, if not all of the weekly shop bill. I would just add a token amount to this weekly. They would also be expected to pay a larger percentage for holidays. Not bothered about meals or days out if I wanted to join, I'd happily pay half if I could afford it.
I would get something in writing though to protect my asset so they couldn't claim on the house. If this wasn't possible then they wouldn't be moving in. You may love this person but don't be trapped into thinking you need to provide for them and their children, they should be more than capable of doing that for themselves and their kids and if they're not then be very careful.

This would change if we married obviously.

I absolutely wouldn't taken on childcare 50/50. You may feel that it's right but you'll end up resentful because of your lack of free time and how exhausting it is having children.
I would speak to a solicitor about your house and not take rent from him as if in 5 years he moves out, he could make a claim on it. It's red flags for me!

so he should live rent free?

No - he should pay rent, 2/3 or half of what it would cost him on the market
Half of this should go to OP for use as she wills (most likely maintenance of the property) and half in to a joint saving account which goes to him if he should leave.

I agree with everything else though - his DC he looks after them

Oh and with regards to childcare, you are not responsible for any of it. If it is convenient for you then fine but you shouldn't need to juggle anything. You weren't part of the choice to have two children. Again, if your partner suggests it is your responsibility then think twice about the move. It is totally up to you how involved you are.

If they're living with you full time and the intention is to remain in their lives indefinitely, i do think its reasonable for you to take on some kind of parenting role day to day.