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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Daughter ignores step dad

59 replies

helloblodyn · 08/06/2023 22:46

Just wondering if anyone's in same boat as me really... my 4 year old daughter's step dad came into her life around her 2nd birthday and has been a loving, generous father figure to her since then. He refers to her as his own and thinks of her this way. I couldn't wish for a better father for her basically.

We are used to her defaulting to me as the 'favourite' parent which I know is a common thing in any parenting set up. However he's been getting upset more by this lately as she is hurting his feelings by more of less ignoring him if i'm in the same building. Calling to me even if he's next to her. Asking him questions through me rather than directly. Blanking him when he says good morning, refusing to say goodnight but turning and kissing and cuddling me in front of him etc

Anyone have any tips? I'm really struggling as the 'glue' between everyone to try to keep all the relationships going.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 08/06/2023 22:50

I suggest he calms down and accepts that children especially young ones go through phases of preferring certain care givers over others all the time.
Is he her step father, are you married?

NewNameNigel · 08/06/2023 23:02

Maybe she struggles with the "treating her as his own" but she knows he's not and is expressing it in the only she can as a 4 year old? Does she get much one on one time with you?

lunar1 · 08/06/2023 23:15

Don't decide you are in the middle of your very young dd and your partner, there aren't sides here, the power imbalance is too big.

She's 4, she will probably favour him at some point too it's what they do.

MintJulia · 08/06/2023 23:24

TomatoSandwiches · 08/06/2023 22:50

I suggest he calms down and accepts that children especially young ones go through phases of preferring certain care givers over others all the time.
Is he her step father, are you married?

This.

He needs to accept it isn't about him.

Back off and let her sort the relationship out in her own head in her own time. She isn't his daughter and if she doesn't want to pretend otherwise, she shouldn't have to.

Justcallmebebes · 08/06/2023 23:33

MintJulia · 08/06/2023 23:24

This.

He needs to accept it isn't about him.

Back off and let her sort the relationship out in her own head in her own time. She isn't his daughter and if she doesn't want to pretend otherwise, she shouldn't have to.

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Absolutely this. Back off, both of you. You picked him to be in your life, your DD didn't. Let her come to terms with this seismic change in her own time

aSofaNearYou · 09/06/2023 08:57

I agree with the others, this would be normal even in a nuclear family. At 4, I would be teaching her that it's not ok to blank people, though.

LBFseBrom · 09/06/2023 09:02

Justcallmebebes · 08/06/2023 23:33

Absolutely this. Back off, both of you. You picked him to be in your life, your DD didn't. Let her come to terms with this seismic change in her own time

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Exactly and tell your husband not to be such a needy wally. Your daughter is only four, for goodness sake.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/06/2023 09:03

It’s possibly a feature of her age.

Does she see her actual dad? What does she call her step dad? Does she know him as her step dad or do you tell her he’s her dad?

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 09/06/2023 09:07

LBFseBrom · 09/06/2023 09:02

Exactly and tell your husband not to be such a needy wally. Your daughter is only four, for goodness sake.

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Needy wally? Ha imagine if language used about new clueless stepmums was so gracious and mild.

Also I can only imagine the pile on if a man came on here declaring 'He couldn't want a better mother for his child than the stepmother.' Oh the sexism.

MagicBullet · 09/06/2023 09:34

MintJulia · 08/06/2023 23:24

This.

He needs to accept it isn't about him.

Back off and let her sort the relationship out in her own head in her own time. She isn't his daughter and if she doesn't want to pretend otherwise, she shouldn't have to.

Show quote history

No but she should learn to be polite.
It’s not ok to blank people or to refuse to talk to them the way she is.

@helloblodyn the dd of a good friend if mine was doing something similar with her own father. All looking like ‘oh I’m so shy, I don’t even dare talking to him’ Hmm
So it might well have nothing to do with him being a step father. (And yes the dd grew out if that phase too)

MeridianB · 09/06/2023 09:54

Agree with others that he needs to shrug off her preference for you as this is very common in nuclear families, especially around this age.

But... she should not be blanking anyone or asking them things through others - this is really rude behaviour and should be corrected every single time. I'm sure you wouldn't allow her to blank your parents or her teachers.

Also agree that 1:1 time is crucial - build it in and protect it if you don't have it already.

Original poster
helloblodyn · 09/06/2023 10:15

Thanks everyone. They have a lovely relationship and she has lots of time with me. It was just me and her for a couple years and we still holiday alone as well as as a group. She also has days out with my partner one on one.

It's just a shame she chooses to be hurtful sometimes and was merely asking if anyone had similar experiences as I am worried about the impact of a marriage breakup and moving house plus the pandemic isolation on her. She does similar with my parents/other family members but think it has more impact as it's towards a main caregiver. I have made it clear to my partner that I won't be able to change her point of view, and won't force her to do anything. However I am sensitive to his feelings and would be hurt if she did the same to me. So I won't be calling him a wally and adding another layer to the rifts in the household.

She sees her father sporadically. He has an alcohol issue and sees her under supervision. She calls my partner by his name as he is not her father nor do I pretend that he is.

I'm pleased no one has pointed out that this is unusual behaviour. Thank you all for replying

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 09/06/2023 10:23

Blanking people and talking through others is rude and unacceptable.

And as you say she does it with other people as well this is something you need to clamp down on sharpish.

So if someone talks to her and she blanks them she needs to be told that you answer people when they speak to you.

If she tries to talk through you then you ignore her.

Manners cost nothing. And she needs to develop one. At 4 she isn’t too young.

lunar1 · 09/06/2023 11:35

I'm sorry, but she's 4, using language like 'it's a shame she chooses to be hurtful' is really odd on your part.

She is a very young child and isn't to blame for how you and your boyfriend feel over how she is expressing herself.

Original poster
helloblodyn · 09/06/2023 11:51

@lunar1 I think it depends on context really. I don't have any restrictions on how she expresses herself. But I don't think answering anyone whether it's me, my partner, a friend, a teacher who says 'good morning' to you with 'I don't want to see you i want mummy' isn't a nice thing to do. I think at 4 it's ok for me to tell her that isn't a nice way to converse with people. It's my choice to parent her that way, I was just asking if people had similar experiences.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 09/06/2023 11:54

There are no sides. There is how she is at the moment. And there appears to be him taking it personally. Tell him to calm down and wait.

Letitrow · 09/06/2023 11:55

Lots of children go through a phase of this, it isn't particularly nice but there's nothing to manage or get in the middle of really.

He refers to her as his own and thinks of her this way

She is not his daughter however much he thinks it. A stepfather and stepchild relationship can be very special but it doesn't change fact. She is possibly struggling now she's starting to understand stuff more that she has a dad she sees sporadically and in quite stressful conditions by the sound of it, and someone she's meant to treat as a father who isn't.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 09/06/2023 12:00

It sounds like the poor girl hasn't had the time or space to process her feelings and the situation with her father.

Add into the mix that she now has this 'new' dad who treated her as such.

All in a really short space of time.

Her whole world was turned upside down, and that's a lot for a small child, who had no choice in any of it. Maybe this is her way of having a bit of control of the situation.

Original poster
helloblodyn · 09/06/2023 12:03

@Letitrow yes this sounds right. I want to know how best to support all the relationships in her life and not cause any more stress. She has been asking a lot about different families lately so I was wondering if this age would be normal for her to question this. I'm not sure if her dad mentions anything but when she comes back from seeing him the questions increase.

My partner also has an older child who she gets on with really well but it's a lot for a 4 year old to wrap their head around. I don't want any confusion to be manifesting as this blanking/ignoring behaviour.

OP posts:
DirectionToPerfection · 09/06/2023 12:03

helloblodyn · 09/06/2023 10:15

Thanks everyone. They have a lovely relationship and she has lots of time with me. It was just me and her for a couple years and we still holiday alone as well as as a group. She also has days out with my partner one on one.

It's just a shame she chooses to be hurtful sometimes and was merely asking if anyone had similar experiences as I am worried about the impact of a marriage breakup and moving house plus the pandemic isolation on her. She does similar with my parents/other family members but think it has more impact as it's towards a main caregiver. I have made it clear to my partner that I won't be able to change her point of view, and won't force her to do anything. However I am sensitive to his feelings and would be hurt if she did the same to me. So I won't be calling him a wally and adding another layer to the rifts in the household.

She sees her father sporadically. He has an alcohol issue and sees her under supervision. She calls my partner by his name as he is not her father nor do I pretend that he is.

I'm pleased no one has pointed out that this is unusual behaviour. Thank you all for replying

This is a weird post, you're talking about your DD choosing to be hurtful and how you can't change her point of view.

She's only 4 but you seem to be projecting adult thought processes onto her.

Yes you should teach her not to ignore people, but aside from that let her be. She's a very young child and you and your partner are being ridiculously sensitive.

The poor child having these kinds of expectations placed on her.

Original poster
helloblodyn · 09/06/2023 12:05

@CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt yes she has to see her father at her grandparents which confuses her too. I'm trying to make as stable and constant a home life as I can for her but that side is out of my control. Her father and i split when she was 6months old.

OP posts:
ailsamaryc · 09/06/2023 12:05

helloblodyn · 09/06/2023 11:51

@lunar1 I think it depends on context really. I don't have any restrictions on how she expresses herself. But I don't think answering anyone whether it's me, my partner, a friend, a teacher who says 'good morning' to you with 'I don't want to see you i want mummy' isn't a nice thing to do. I think at 4 it's ok for me to tell her that isn't a nice way to converse with people. It's my choice to parent her that way, I was just asking if people had similar experiences.

This is normal for her age group. They as seem to have a more singular focus and aren't always aware/ answer questions. This has happened with all my partners grandkids and is not a reflection on parenting, and they all grew out of it. Just get the child's attention then ask the question

As for preferring one care giver is normal as well - and can change as long as it's not made an issue of.

Original poster
helloblodyn · 09/06/2023 12:06

@DirectionToPerfection sorry I'm not sure what you mean which part of the post is odd? If any of her friends ignore her she's be upset. Is it not ok for her to understand that this behaviour isn't nice?

OP posts:
Original poster
helloblodyn · 09/06/2023 12:08

@Letitrow when i say he refers to her as his own he doesn't do this in public- he just treats her as he does his son and doesn't differentiate in how he parents and behaves towards them.

OP posts:
SistersNotCisters · 09/06/2023 12:10

No but she should learn to be polite.
It’s not ok to blank people or to refuse to talk to them the way she is.

This is my first thought. There was a woman in my street who I, like many others, absolutely loathe. The type of woman who if she got hit by a car, people who knew her would have to turn away so no one could see them snigger. And STILL my children would not be permitted to be rude to her as she had never done anything against them. Manners and civility matter.

Your DD has every right to prefer her mum to her stepdad. She has every right to address her mum rather than ask stepdad but please do stop her from being actively rude. It's not nice.