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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Daughter ignores step dad

59 replies

helloblodyn · 08/06/2023 22:46

Just wondering if anyone's in same boat as me really... my 4 year old daughter's step dad came into her life around her 2nd birthday and has been a loving, generous father figure to her since then. He refers to her as his own and thinks of her this way. I couldn't wish for a better father for her basically.

We are used to her defaulting to me as the 'favourite' parent which I know is a common thing in any parenting set up. However he's been getting upset more by this lately as she is hurting his feelings by more of less ignoring him if i'm in the same building. Calling to me even if he's next to her. Asking him questions through me rather than directly. Blanking him when he says good morning, refusing to say goodnight but turning and kissing and cuddling me in front of him etc

Anyone have any tips? I'm really struggling as the 'glue' between everyone to try to keep all the relationships going.

OP posts:
Original poster
helloblodyn · 09/06/2023 18:33

I came on here late last night just to ask out of interest if other parents had experienced similar behaviours from their children in the hope of working out in my head what the best way to forward was. This was done from a place of love towards my child and also love towards my partner who is actually allowed to have feelings of his own. None of these feelings are projected onto my child but he is allowed to feel something and I encourage him to share these feelings with me.
The fact that this thread has now deduced that her choosing not to say goodnight on some evenings (on others he is able to read to her, settle her, put her to bed) means my partner is abusing her is really upsetting and incredible. She behaves similarly towards my mother sometimes so I'm guessing I should suspect her of the same? If ai hadn't revealed my partner's gender would responses be different?
Thank you all for your advice so far but I hope you understand why I won't be contributing anything more to this thread.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 12/06/2023 10:38

I'm sorry you feel that way and also apologise for initially being dismissive of your partner's feelings, it was a remark off the top of my head. Of course he is entitled to his feelings and to express them to you.

It's not easy to find the right words to express yourself when you are four but you could gently try to find out why your daughter reacts to your partner the way she does. There must be a reason. Encourage her to be courteous to him at least. This may just be a phase.

Good luck to you all and I hope you continue to post.

SantaFeSister · 12/06/2023 11:08

I don't think a 4 year old can choose to be hurtful - most of the time they are not in control of their feelings and actions.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 12/06/2023 13:43

helloblodyn · 09/06/2023 18:33

I came on here late last night just to ask out of interest if other parents had experienced similar behaviours from their children in the hope of working out in my head what the best way to forward was. This was done from a place of love towards my child and also love towards my partner who is actually allowed to have feelings of his own. None of these feelings are projected onto my child but he is allowed to feel something and I encourage him to share these feelings with me.
The fact that this thread has now deduced that her choosing not to say goodnight on some evenings (on others he is able to read to her, settle her, put her to bed) means my partner is abusing her is really upsetting and incredible. She behaves similarly towards my mother sometimes so I'm guessing I should suspect her of the same? If ai hadn't revealed my partner's gender would responses be different?
Thank you all for your advice so far but I hope you understand why I won't be contributing anything more to this thread.

Well, that's a 'head in the sand' reaction. You have a duty of care to your daughter, not to the man you've brought into your home.

violetcuriosity · 12/06/2023 14:11

I'm in exactly the same situation except my partner doesn't get upset, he just accepts it.

I feel quite drained by it though. It's hard.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 12/06/2023 16:04

OP, I don't think anyone is saying that your child is being abused, just that when behaviour changes (particularly towards one person) it is important that all adults around the child are aware that CSA is a possibility. Far too many child abuse situations are allowed to continue because the adults think "not my nigel" (or "not at my school" or "not in my family").

As you say, she is being like this towards others too and the behaviour is very common with children this age so it is probably nothing.

Sometimes on here people with pick out one phrase that they notice (eg choosing to be hurtful) when it is really just a throwaway comment. It is still worth thinking about though, as part of your partner's upset might be that he's thinking DD is actively choosing to be mean because she doesn't like him. Far more likely that she's unsettled and probably reaching an age where she will realise that her family (particularly her dad) isn't like other people's. If you and your partner both acknowledge the hurt, you pick DD up on her rudeness and give her some time and space it will probably work out okay.

FWIW, my mum was always my primary carer and is still the one I turn to when I'm upset. But my step-dad is (in my head at least) my real dad.

Original poster
helloblodyn · 12/06/2023 23:02

@howdoesyourgardengrowinmay

'Well, that's a 'head in the sand' reaction. You have a duty of care to your daughter, not to the man you've brought into your home.'

I see from your comment you are still trying to elicit a more emotional reaction from me. Rest assured my duty of care to my daughter is unwavering and has been the only thing that spurred me to complete my divorce from my narcissistic, alcoholic ex husband.

I've had enough counselling on this type of comment to know better than to respond to you, but thank you anyway for your ongoing concerns.

OP posts:
Matilda1981 · 06/12/2023 08:09

My kids ignored their actual dad if i was in the room at that age!! I think you’re reading too much into this!

Orangeteatime · 06/12/2023 10:52

I had this backwards (I'm a step-mum) when our then 4-year-old had a phase of ignoring and rejecting me in favour of her dad. We realised we hadn't been very explicit about why I was in the family and what a step-mum was. We got lots of books about different kinds of families and she drew our family tree with her dad. It really helped.

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