Daughter ignores step dad

[helloblodyn]

Just wondering if anyone's in same boat as me really... my 4 year old daughter's step dad came into her life around her 2nd birthday and has been a loving, generous father figure to her since then. He refers to her as his own and thinks of her this way. I couldn't wish for a better father for her basically.

We are used to her defaulting to me as the 'favourite' parent which I know is a common thing in any parenting set up. However he's been getting upset more by this lately as she is hurting his feelings by more of less ignoring him if i'm in the same building. Calling to me even if he's next to her. Asking him questions through me rather than directly. Blanking him when he says good morning, refusing to say goodnight but turning and kissing and cuddling me in front of him etc

Anyone have any tips? I'm really struggling as the 'glue' between everyone to try to keep all the relationships going.

She sees her father sporadically. He has an alcohol issue and sees her under supervision. She calls my partner by his name as he is not her father nor do I pretend that he is.

That s,alot to handle as she gets older and understands she has a "bad" dad and a,step dad. Kids ate programned to love their parents.

Maybe seek a session with a family therapist or play therapist so she can understand it all. They do things like draw a family tree. Where does she put her dad and step dad? She needs to process it all help her do that .

The specific language you used about your child, claiming that she's choosing to be hurtful.

Do you really believe she's doing that? If so, you've got a problem here and it's not your child.

I've already said that you should teach her not to ignore people, but as others have pointed out, it's something many children go through and she will grow out of it.

Stop expecting your child to be able to behave like and think like an adult, when she's only 4.

She is 4. Virtually every 4 year old I've ever know has had a super strong "mummy" preference. Yes it is very hurtful to the dads - and often the grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc too - but it is a stage she will grow out of. The thing that worked best for us in balancing out our DCs' favouritism was to make sure they had plenty of quality one on one time with DH with me nowhere nearby. Eg DH taking them out on his own for a day of the school holidays.

As for changing her behaviour, while you can't and shouldn't force some aspects of this, at 4 she is old enough to be told that saying X or Y will hurt someone's feelings - empathy does need to be taught. So for example if she says "I don't want daddy reading to me I only want mummy" you can say "Are those out kind words? Wouldn't it hurt your feelings if one of your friends said that about doing something with you? How do you think that makes daddy feel?". Get her to think about it.

I don't think him being a step father is anything to do with this, other than it's making him overly sensitive. He needs to understand it's a phase, the more effort he puts into the relationship the sooner it will end and the more he will get back.

Has she always been like this with him or is it new?

Because if it's always, I'm not sure why you progressed so quickly to step dad with someone your child doesn't like.

@cestlavielife this is a good idea thank you I'll definitely look i to this as the starting point to understand this a bit more.

I think there's a difference between a giving rudely and choosing to be hurtful. My dc often ignore dh or my dm and they're being extremely rude but dh or dm would never consider them to be deliberately hurtful. Just that they're pre-occupied and not considering anyone's feelings. There's a huge difference between not considering someone's feelings and being deliberately hurtful. It's very strange if at 4 she's decided to create a vendetta against a primary caregiver and be deliberately hurtful. More likely he's over sensitive because he's not her biological dad.

You can ask gp to refer or look up locally, in london anna freud centre does a,free phone session to discuss issues
Also recommended us book how to talk so kids will listen

Acknowledging she has to process her two "dads" in her life is a,starting point before coming down on behaviours

Huh not normal to have a favourite parent in our family or extended Thats not right at all. I'm not surprised he is hurt you should be encouraging all to get on the same

There is nothing unusual about a small child having a preference for one parent (usually mum). You can encourage them not to and they'll generally grow out of it.

It is silly for a grown adult to feel hurt by the actions of a four year old though, and to assign some kind of intention or malice to it.

This is more or less what I've been doing. However from this post it seems a lot of people are upset with me referring to having hurt feelings as an adult. I'm not really sure how else to label it- he has felt hurt by having a lovely day with her only for her to then turn around and for example not say goodnight but instead say 'I don't want to say night to you i want to say it to mummy'.

I didn't say she doesn't like him? We parent her equally, she asks for days out with him, he taught her to swim and ride a bike and she speaks of him fondly. She just chooses to blank him sometimes. She doesn't blank me. That's the only point of my post

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this and for taking the time to post. I'm going to look i to the family tree and how my daughter perceives her family in light of the questions she's asking. I don't think there's anything wrong from her behaviour based on the comments here. I'm sorry I've triggered some people by using the term 'hurtful'- I really don't know what other label to put on it. My partner sits down at the end of a great day with her and says he's 'hurt' that she refused to say good night to him... I don't really want to tell him to ignore it as I want to be able to talk through our step parenting journey.

OP if that's directed at me, I'm not triggered or upset. I just think it's wrong to say your daughter chooses to be hurtful.

She doesn't. She's 4.

That's all.

Just because your partner feels hurt doesn't mean your child is actively choosing to hurt him. I agree with PPs that he's probably overly sensitive to this as a step parent.

My kids do this to their biological dad, it's perfectly normal and your partner needs to grow up.
Little kids go through phases of being really attached to either mum or dad, and then just as it started it goes away. Also, if she's picking up on his reaction she'll do it more often as at this age they like to experiment with their own power and how they can affect their environment. Very typical for children this age to start saying "mean" things like I don't love you or I hate you and crap like that. The trick is to just let it go.

Chris op your getting subtle digs on here because people who aren't in blended families tend to post her about their own issues with blended families. Step fathers aren't well liked but tolerated more than sms..

That said she's 4 and it's totally normal behaviour on her part, but it's also normal to help a child develop empathy and a knowledge that words have power and this doesn't just apply to a sp it applies to teachers nurses anyone.

Manners and empathy are a taught Characteristic and if my 4 year old dd can grasp when she's said something mean or hurtful then actually so can any child.

Whether people feel feel the need to each empathy usually is based on whether they have much themselves tbh.

I would respond to this in exactly the same way whether it was a step father or not. 4 year olds are not responsible for adults feelings and it's very important that we don't give them the importation they are. So it's fine to insist on politeness. It's not fine to insist on a child over riding her feelings. So he should just accept that at the moment this is the way she's feeling. Not show any disappointment or sadness about it but carry on being calm and solid and loving to her. I had to do this with my own son who spent nearly a year wanting his dad ALL THE TIME when he was about this age. It passes. And it passes quicker if nobody makes a big deal out of it.

He's "hurt" a 4 year old ignores him? Bilmey how will he cope when she gets older. It's a normal kid thing.
I would suggest he stops trying to play dad figure to hard, she's likely confused by having her actual dad in the picture.

Maybe there's something sinister going on that she doesn't know how to express. She's only 4, maybe she's trying to tell you something, and she doesn't want to be alone with him or get too physicality close?

Would you take that same gigantic running leap if the genders were reversed? Or is this a typical Mumsnet “any new man in a mothers life must be abusive?”

This.

The phrase 'choosing to be hurtful' jumped out at me too. You and your partner are putting a lot of expectations on her and interpreting her behaviour (which may well be in response to sensing these expectations) accordingly. The simple fact is this isn't about him, and you both should be looking at how you can support your daughter's emotional security, rather than you worrying about 'keeping all the relationships going' (which suggests your partner is at least an equal concern to you in all this). A child isn't there to make an adult feel good or secure. Your partner is going to need to be a lot more robust than this if he really 'sees her as his own' (which has its own issues given the situation with her biological father, and little surprise tbh that she's trying to sort out her relationships in her mind in this manner) and intends to treat her that way.

Quite apart from all the other factors in this, you really, really don't want to give her the message that she's expected to 'be nice' to satisfy the emotional needs of a man.

Tbh, this did cross my mind - as not necessarily a likely possibility but a possibility all the same - and in OP's position I'd want to rule it out.

To be fair it's more unusual for a man to have his children all of the time and move a woman in, and the stats around abuse speak for themselves. I'm not insinuating this is what's going on here or that the majority of men are abusive, but I don't see why it shouldn't be even a fleeting consideration for a parent who has moved a man not related to the child into the home and the child is now displaying different behaviours.

He's taking this personally BECAUSE he's her step dad and not her biological dad. He is sensing some rejection and is worried about it. His feelings are valid but his responsibility. All (or most) children will have a preferred parent. One of my children insists that a particular parent carries her up to bed each night, when she gets hurt that is who she needs. The other parent will always offer to be there but when they are rejected, they laugh it off. Because their identity as a father is not so fragile, they can be more resilient around things like this.

Well, it's a start. And yes, if a young child started rejecting an adult out of the blue, I'd be wondering why.

Blanking people and refusing to do basic greetings (good morning/goodnight) is plain rude. She should not be forced to give hugs or kisses, that's her choice, but politeness should be non negotiable.