Page 5 | Dont want ss to come on holiday

dft2000 · 2023-05-28T15:27:08+00:00

Is there any possible way of making this happen? He's 15 and just.... a lot! Im really not here for all the evil stepmum drama i just need some sort of excuse without saying no kids as ours are going. No to honesty, im sure he will stop being like this in a couple of years but honestly i just dont want to spend my 1 holiday of the year with him, it will be miserable!

NumberTheory · 28/05/2023 21:43

A teen who is being a nightmare could ruin a holiday for all of you including himself. But the nightmare behaviour is probably a product of his struggle growing up so he might benefit more from some 1-on-1 time.

I think the separate holidays might be what your family needs right now. DH can take son to something they can both bond over while you take your own/your joint DC somewhere else.

It’s not ideal from joint DC’s perspective as they don’t get a holiday with their dad this year, but things will change as SS gets older and they’ll have years with him when SS is too old for family holidays.

Sianthomasisnothererightnow · 28/05/2023 21:48

Sometimeswinning · 28/05/2023 21:10

Yeah but he's not asking. It Sm's post.

Show quote history

True, but she appears to be requesting a solution so that her and her DH will go away without DSS. So she is quite happy for him to be a shit father to DSS. People on here will say it’s not her responsibility, but honestly how you could be with a person who is happy to be a shit parent I don’t know. And it’s always important to remember, if he can do it to his DSS for her, what happens if they split in the future and he’s willing to do it to OPs kids for another woman? If she had come on here and said ‘How can I say I’m just going away with my kids alone?’ That’s one thing, but both she and it would appear her are trying to orchestrate it so that one child gets left out. It’s totally unacceptable from him, and quite frankly, I don’t think it’s acceptable from her. Just because it’s ‘not her child’ doesn’t mean she gets to behave this way and it’s okay. It’s not.

Hoppingmad231 · 28/05/2023 22:02

PurpleParrots · 28/05/2023 20:25

So what if OP says “That’s it! We are not going on holiday until he’s an adult and doesn’t have to come with us”. Then DSS holidays every year with his mother. Who misses out then?

My DH has 4 D.C. with his ex. I had 3 with my ex. We had 1 together and adopted my sisters DS.

We took them all on a short break in the UK every year. Summer holidays abroad we took the D.C. who lived with us. DH’s ex took the D.C. who lived with her.

Everyone had a holiday. Everyone was happy. Nobody lost out.

Show quote history

So your husbands kids got a uk weekend away with their dad plus all your kids, but your kids got a holiday abroad with their dad yes that sounds fair! Regardless if mum takes them away or not if dad is going on holiday with 5 other kids surely he should take his own aswell any decent dad would anyway.

PurpleParrots · 28/05/2023 22:09

Yes. They all got a uk holiday SC more than one because their mother took them too. As did their grandparents.

Every child got a holiday abroad. Just not together.

We wouldn’t have been able to afford to take all DC abroad. So who would have missed out when SC went abroad with their other parent and nobody else went because, “It’s not fair to go without the others”.

As they grew older DH’s kids went camping twice a year with their father.

Nobody complained - because there was nothing to complain about!

InceyWinceySpidy · 28/05/2023 22:25

BritishDesiGirl · 28/05/2023 16:38

He has as much right to go on the holiday as your own children do. That's the bottom line.

No he doesn't.

Last year, our eldest (14 at the time) behaved extremely poorly. One particular incident occurred, and whilst it thankfully has been a one off, it was beyond unacceptable. We were furious with him. He therefore stayed at his grandparents and did not get to come on a weekend trip away with us and youngest two DC.

When a child is (in this case) 3yrs from adulthood, they do not need treating like some poor little 5 year old, who doesn't understand. This might be a very appropriate time for him to learn the life lesson that you need to be accountable for your actions.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/05/2023 22:50

Make a list of behaviours that you need to see before he will be able to join you on the holiday. He either meets them and goes, or doesn't meet them and stays at home.

InceyWinceySpidy · 28/05/2023 23:22

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/05/2023 22:50

Make a list of behaviours that you need to see before he will be able to join you on the holiday. He either meets them and goes, or doesn't meet them and stays at home.

This is a good way of tackling it.

Or, just tell him, because of his current behaviour, he's not being rewarded with a holiday right now.

However, should you see that he's making an effort, then DH will be taking him away separately in, say 3 months time.

That way, he sees that you're not calling his bluff, and are quite willing to say that you will not reward poor behaviour, but also, that by addressing his behaviour, he gets his own holiday. It sends the message that you do want him to have a holiday, and that you are willing to take him, but he can't treat people like this and expect it to be ignored. He is welcome, more than welcome. His current behaviour isn't.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/05/2023 08:24

Why can't you just tell him he's not coming because of his behaviour and your not prepared to have your one family holiday ruined by him. That's what I would be saying, id say to my own too, he's 15 for gods sake. Old enough to learn that his actions have consequences.

Daisydu · 29/05/2023 09:08

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/05/2023 08:24

Why can't you just tell him he's not coming because of his behaviour and your not prepared to have your one family holiday ruined by him. That's what I would be saying, id say to my own too, he's 15 for gods sake. Old enough to learn that his actions have consequences.

Actually yes, this. My 10 year old is challenging, and he has missed out on days out with the rest of us because of his behaviour: and this is explained to him. Otherwise he just ruins it for his brothers and sisters. He’s got better thank heavens but it’s horrible when one kid spoils it for the rest

aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2023 19:51

I do agree that context is needed if anyone's to help you find an excuse.

In my case, the excuse is that within the context of how often he comes around and my DC's ages, he simply doesn't have to know about it, so we don't have to be guided by "he will be upset". He won't be upset, because he won't know, so we can be honest about the fact that I would prefer the trip if he wasn't there.

As others have said, if his behaviour is REALLY bad I would tell him frankly that that is why he isn't coming. But we don't know what his behaviour is like.

Bbqshowdownusa · 30/05/2023 07:40

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/05/2023 08:24

Why can't you just tell him he's not coming because of his behaviour and your not prepared to have your one family holiday ruined by him. That's what I would be saying, id say to my own too, he's 15 for gods sake. Old enough to learn that his actions have consequences.

I would be saying this. His behaviour is atrocious and he won’t be coming on any holidays until he bucks up his ideas and starts behaving.

If contact is EOW you could just book it for the time in between also.

Neodymium · 30/05/2023 12:57

Can you go during the school term? 15 is too old to be missing school.

we went on holiday without dss when he was 12 but we took dsd. He was always in trouble at school and didnt put in much effort. Dsd was a great student and got top marks. He was also difficult and obstinate with food - fussy and difficult and would throw tantrums if there wasn’t exactly what he wanted. We had previously taken him overseas and it was a nightmare. So next holiday we just took dsd and had a lovely time, and said cause it was during school he couldn’t miss any due to his already poor attendance and poor grades but dsd could as she had good attendance and good grades.

SirChenjins · 30/05/2023 13:11

Still no update/context from the OP?