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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dont want ss to come on holiday

113 replies

dft2000 · 28/05/2023 16:27

Is there any possible way of making this happen? He's 15 and just.... a lot!

Im really not here for all the evil stepmum drama i just need some sort of excuse without saying no kids as ours are going.

No to honesty, im sure he will stop being like this in a couple of years but honestly i just dont want to spend my 1 holiday of the year with him, it will be miserable!

OP posts:
Mamette · 28/05/2023 18:08

A friend- I meant 😂

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 28/05/2023 18:09

It depends on age range of other children and you budget. If your other children are much younger you could have a little kids holiday and DH could offer a separate more grown up holiday 1-2-1 with his son, focussed around the lads interests or shared interests that might make it more enjoyable for both

IncomingTraffic · 28/05/2023 18:11

I’m not sure that’s the case.

It’s perfectly possible that SS’s father is in guilt mode and worrying that his son will feel excluded with no basis. And that’s who OP needs to convince.

It’s also possible that, even if SS is being a bloody nightmare, part of it is driven by feeling that he wants to separate himself from his family (as is normal for teenagers) but feeling obligated and guilty because he’ll be letting his dad down if he doesn’t want overnight contact or to go on holiday or whatever.

We don’t know what the actual behaviour or situation is here because we have no details. But both those scenarios are as possible as a 15 year old who really wants to go on this holiday.

gettingoldisshit · 28/05/2023 18:11

I can see this from both sides and this is a totally no win situation. My ex dp ds was utterly vile! Spoilt, rude, obnoxious and just downright horrible ( a combination of a bitter dm and disney dad who couldn't give a shit when it wasn't his contact time.) He used to make our holidays a living nightmare with his spoiled behaviour, tantrums and constant whining! I hated every second so did my dc! If we had refused to take him his df would have sulked and felt guilty the whole time and the holiday would have still been awful! I finally wised up and left! The only solution i can think of op is for you to take your dc away alone and your dh to go away with his ds!

Ragwort · 28/05/2023 18:12

You can't tell him not to come .. the only possible solutions are - no holiday for any of you or separate holidays - you and younger DC and DH and SS.

Lapland123 · 28/05/2023 18:12

conniefused · 28/05/2023 17:54

I'm not usually one for the wicked stepparents stuff but you really are out of order op.

You said your dh doesn't want him to come either but he will allow it because it's his son and he knows how much hurt and upset it will cause if he doesn't. You are going to have to take the same approach and suck it up I'm afraid.

When your own dc are teens they will likely be shits as well. Will you stop them from coming on holidays? You can't opt out of parenting when it gets tough.

There is no answer to your initial question. There is no excuse you can give. So maybe try practicing a bit of patience and empathy.

Yup- We might all be thinking teenagers, whether stepchildren or bio children, are PITA!! But can’t opt out. There is no excuse that would make this ok

Kentishbornknitter · 28/05/2023 18:17

Your DSS will always remember not being allowed to go on holiday with his family. He didn’t ask to be a step child, he didn’t ask for his parents to be divorced. It is absolutely shit for the children in most cases. Please show the child some love and compassion. Maybe tell him how you are looking forward to giving him a holiday.

SirChenjins · 28/05/2023 18:17

How bad are we talking about - drugs/alcohol/skipping school/constantly in trouble with school/police involvement? Or stroppy teenager with attitude?

Of it’s the former then you and your DH are quite within your rights to refuse to give him a holiday. If it’s the former then you’ll have to get on with it and accept that’s the joy of having a teenager in the family - the vast majority of the grow out of it and become lovely young adults.

If your DH is determined he’s coming irrespective of his behaviour then you either suck it up and agree boundaries, or you take your DC on holiday separately, or you let him take a friend.

Orangeradiorabbit · 28/05/2023 18:21

Just tell your partner/ the parent. Say how you feel, that you just want a holiday with you and your shared children. Tell your partner that he can go away with the son on their own holiday afterwards, both would probably enjoy that.

Do you have open communication with your partner? It doesn't have to be presented in a bad way. Do you include SS in other family stuff? Is he feeling excluded? Nothing wrong with parent-child stuff: make sure there is a second holiday with just them: I'm sure SS doesn't want to be stuck with you and your kids either. But probably wants a holiday and to spend quality time with their parent.

Chupyloo · 28/05/2023 18:21

What happens when it’s one of your children being a nightmare when they’re teens, would you just leave them at home and only take the other one?

llamallama6384 · 28/05/2023 18:21

I think you take the little ones away. sS goes away with dad. Sounds like SS needs a bit of 1on1 time.

FrangipaniBlue · 28/05/2023 18:22

YoSof · 28/05/2023 16:54

So if your child becomes a difficult teenager, would you make up an excuse to exclude them from a family holiday too?

It's telling that several posters have asked this and the OP has not replied.

Rewis · 28/05/2023 18:35

By holiday do you mean a trip away or him visiting on school holidays? If it's a trip away then you can just skip it. Why not some father and son quality time alone on their holiday and then you can go away with your kids (and maybe husband if the ss is with his mother). That way all kids get a holiday and nobody is excluded.

CrackedSkull · 28/05/2023 18:38

I would just grit my teeth and let him come . In a couple of years he won't want to come on holiday . It's not worth the fallout . Imagine if the boot was on the other foot and he was your son ? I would insist any problems with him on holiday your o/h deals with it all .

Sianthomasisnothererightnow · 28/05/2023 18:49

Chupyloo · 28/05/2023 18:21

What happens when it’s one of your children being a nightmare when they’re teens, would you just leave them at home and only take the other one?

This.

If you don’t was SS there then you can take your kids alone, but if your partner goes then SS has the right to come too. Don’t be this guy. Don’t lie to him. If he’s going through a rough patch being pushed out by his step mother is going to cause him more issues.

Teenagers brains struggle more than toddlers in some aspects, they’re going through so much. Unless he is dangerous for some reason, you can’t leave him out.

CornishGem1975 · 28/05/2023 18:50

I understand how you feel. I have a teen DS of my own and at times I'd quite gladly leave him behind somewhere because he's is such a drain on everyone else. But I don't. I grit my teeth and get on with it, but yes, the downside of that is that it affects my holiday time.

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 28/05/2023 18:54

He’s 15 so might not even want to go away with his parent and step-parent.
How about saying to him that as he’s now 15, you wouldn’t be upset if he didn’t want to come away with you and perhaps he’d rather have some money, say a couple of hundred instead.

continentallentil · 28/05/2023 19:00

Can you give some context? It’s impossible to make suggestions without it.

ModestMoon · 28/05/2023 19:01

No you can't. Not unless you divorce his dad and go on holiday with just you and your DC.

jeffhasgoodhair · 28/05/2023 19:05

Has he said he wants to come?

I'd give him the choice and hope he says no. If he says yes then you'll need to suck it up. As PP say he'll probably be nicer when in a couple of years?

candlesflamesandbrooms · 28/05/2023 19:08

I mean 15 years old isn't that GSCEs year personally as a mum I wouldn't be thrilled about my child being taken out esp at school time (and a critical year) for a holiday ? I'm assuming it's not school holiday time due to cost as everything goes mad.

Idk my friend was a right brat on holiday with her parents around the same age. She was told she wouldn't be invited next time because of her behaviour and they stuck to it.

Friend leant her lesson and no trauma. She agrees with her parents actions (obviously didn't at the time) and she was literally a hell raiser. I love her and still love her but tbh even at the time I thought, I don't bloody blame them tbh.

Gothambutnotahamster · 28/05/2023 19:09

HerRoyalNotness · 28/05/2023 16:43

No one has a right to a holiday…

I’d go without your Dh too, go alone/with your DC I’d you have them. Get your Dh to invest some quality time into his son while you’re away

This is the best / only solution.

PurpleParrots · 28/05/2023 19:09

Will he be going on holiday with his mum?

Hoppingmad231 · 28/05/2023 19:18

Dh takes ss away you go away on your perfect holiday alone. Sorry but dh can't stop parenting just because ss is a pain doesn't work like that!!!

Hoppingmad231 · 28/05/2023 19:21

PurpleParrots · 28/05/2023 19:09

Will he be going on holiday with his mum?

Doesn't matter!!! He is also dh responsibility imagine every parent just fu##ed their child off when they become a bit difficult.