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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Do you go on holiday without step-kids?

70 replies

Amanda78xx · 25/05/2023 13:33

I wanted to get people's opinions on this please. My partner has a DSD 9, we've lived together for 4 years but I guess we are slightly different in that I don't have any kids, nor do we share any.

Recently, for the first time since living together, my partner & I went away on a city break for a few days. Nothing crazy, but I was celebrating a big birthday and we decided to book it. This was during a weekend where we don't have DSD, and didn't affect the contact time at all.

I'd also like to add that we have DSD half the holidays, and we take her away every August somewhere nice, i.e villa holiday, all-inclusive hotel kind of thing which is always lots of fun, just as we are this year also!

Anyways, after our break and a day or so before partner was due to collect DSD, he had an email from his ex saying that she wasn't happy we had gone away without her knowledge in case of emergencies (I guess this is fair enough but he's still contactable where we were, 2 hour flight back home etc) but also that it upset DSD greatly that we went away without her and he should have considered her feelings. I was a little thrown back by this, not only because I have no idea she even knew we were away! Anyways, DSD asked when collected why we went away but didn't seem overly fussed and seemed to have forgotten about it 10 mins into being at ours.

What are people's thoughts on this please? Happy to see views from both sides.
Thanks

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/05/2023 13:39

Of course it’s fine. She was with her mother, as planned, and the emergency excuse is ridiculous. Does she tell DH her exact whereabouts on his contact time? I doubt it.

aSofaNearYou · 25/05/2023 13:43

Sounds like her mum's trying to make it a problem.

Of course it's fine for you to go away without her, especially as you don't even have kids in the mix.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 25/05/2023 13:43

I can't see a problem with what you did at all. And I say that as the mum of DC who were left out of almost every holiday their father has had in the last 10 years.

LemonLimeDivine · 25/05/2023 13:44

There’s nothing wrong with just the two of you going away. You don’t need her permission.

DH and I used to go away just the two of us on couple breaks before we had our children. He used to give the ex the heads up the morning we were going away and said in the event of an emergency, his parents were contactable. If we’d given his ex notice or “asked permission” then she would have tried to scupper things for us. She’s done it before. She also suggested we take SC on honeymoon with us and also mooted the idea that she come too as “they might want their mum” 🙄 Apparently we were unfair as we said no on both counts…….

Now SC come away on almost all family holidays. I insist on one break away (in the UK) each autumn where it’s just me, DH and our little ones.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP. You are allowed time as a couple.

cocksstrideintheevening · 25/05/2023 13:47

I think he should have told her, but goingnaway on your own is more than fine.

feralunderclass · 25/05/2023 13:50

As a child if either parent had gone to a different country without telling me I would have been very upset. It just sort of highlights the fact you only have a parent when it's their contact time.

StillWantingADog · 25/05/2023 13:53

its totally fine. I do think in your shoes I would have let the ex (and daughter) know though, just in case something cropped up.

Lapland123 · 25/05/2023 13:58

The ex is trying to make something of a non- issue
Sure, let them know next time, in case of emergency etc

But anything else is her trying to control your time, it’s crazy!

Original poster

Amanda78xx · 25/05/2023 14:00

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I do understand letting the ex know...but the issue is that she obviously will go and tell DSD straight away. And as much as I think yes it's not a problem for my partner & I to go away, I'm not sure why telling an 8 year old really helps as she may feel a tad upset, so if she's at school knowing we're away, how does that realistically do her any favours?

OP posts:

toddlermom99 · 25/05/2023 14:00

Absolutely fine. I am not with my child's father and I regularly go on weekends away etc with my new partner whilst my child is at his dad's and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if my child's father also did this with a partner in his spare time.

If you were taking your own child and leaving the step child out then I'd understand. But in this circumstance the mother is being absolutely ridiculous.

SemperIdem · 25/05/2023 14:04

Nothing wrong with this at all.

The ex is trying to create an issue out of nothing.

JE17 · 25/05/2023 14:04

It's fine. I've had weekends away with DH without the DC, plenty of people do it.
As a small child I remember feeling a bit put out that Dad could possibly want to go on holiday without me. But I didn't mention it to anyone and it wasn't a big deal to me. Dad and his wife took us on a holiday each year until she had a child of her own and then it stopped completely, which was much more upsetting (but I never questioned it).

SheilaFentiman · 25/05/2023 14:09

Out of interest, why didn’t you want DSD to know? I would think an 8 year old would have an understanding of a birthday treat. If you went to visit child free friends for a weekend overseas without her, would she be sad?

SheilaFentiman · 25/05/2023 14:09

YANBU for going, though!

Tellmeimcrazy · 25/05/2023 14:13

I think if he was contactable then I don't see the problem. If there was an emergency, DSD was with her mother, who I would assume is capable.

At the end of the day, you don't need her permission nor DSDs. You're entitled to go away and have privacy about what you're doing.

If of course you are all friendly and on good terms then mentioning would be expected. That Saif she sounds like a very controlling woman. Maybe not telling her was the right thing. She maybhave fkd it up for you!

bibbityboppityboo · 25/05/2023 14:15

As a stepchild (who's stepmother had no further children) they used to holiday without us kids often. As they should, they were a married couple with free weekends!

I think the mum is adding fuel to the fire here tbh, it's unnecessary to involve your DSD in this.

Perhaps a heads up to mum about your husband being out of the country in event of an emergency might have been useful, but realistically it's only a weekend and a 2 hour flight - he's hardly in the Australian bush for a month!

SkandiSkando · 25/05/2023 14:17

At 9, it’s a bit weird that it didn’t come up in conversation, unless it was a last minute booking? Definitely the ex trying to create a problem where there isn’t one though.

AssertiveGertrude · 25/05/2023 14:17

His ex sounds controlling and you are lovely to your step daughter

I just would tell ex the very bare minimum

Reugny · 25/05/2023 14:25

You and your DP have done nothing wrong.

In this age of modern communication as long as your DP had a charged mobile phone on him and you were in a country with a functional mobile phone network, then if there was an emergency she could have phoned him.

Depending on where you live and where you went some places in other European countries are actually closer and quicker to return to than some places in the UK.

So ignore his ex unless you are going somewhere like Cuba, Outer Mongolia or Darkest Peru.

rainbowsprite1079 · 25/05/2023 14:31

I think it's fine, you didn't go away when the child was supposed to be with you so I don't see the issue, I don't see why mum needed to know where you were as surly she could have just messaged or rang your dh's phone. Plenty of parents who have their kids all the time go away so don't see why there's an issue

bluepen12 · 25/05/2023 15:41

Of course it's fine.

I'm in exactly the same situation Op. One DSD similar age and we have been together 4 years, no more children involved.
For all that time DP and I have been away twice on our own. It was a big secret ad I wasnt allowed to tell DSD we were away so she doesn't get upset. We had many more weekends away and holidays with DSD.

A few months ago I suggested we go away for a few days this summer, just the two of us but DP refused. He said that we won't be going away without DSD any more as he can't face not having her next to him when having a good time and he wouldn't want her to miss out. I'm gutted and sad.

It's always some power struggles when she is with us, so holidaying together can be really stresfull. I'm sad when think of holidays and weekends away we could have had.

ChampagneBlossom44 · 25/05/2023 15:50

All of our holidays initially happened with DSCs and were completely child centric. We went on a 3 day city break UK without them after 4 years together, outside of contact time so DSC weren’t affected & mum rained absolute hell on us for it, threatened to stop all contact, bombarded us with texts & emails the whole while. It absolutely ruined the holiday. Months later drunkenly text me she was upset because DH had never taken her on a city break. It was frustrating because I’d looked after the children for a week when she went abroad with friends & DH was at work, & on multiple mini breaks she’d had with new boyfriend, this was the only time we’d been away together & didn’t affect her in any way. I’d have never dreamed of sending her pages of abuse about what a cow she must be to go away without the children because frankly that’s insane.
I remember DH having massive guilt for being away without them, even before her input.
we do go away just the two of us more often now (2-3 nights once a year if possible) & mum has generally calmed down about it.

satsuuuumas · 25/05/2023 15:54

YANBU at all. Totally fine to go away without SKs, we do and so does the kids Mum. We just have it on the shared calendar as "X away". We definitely don't tell each other where we are going, it's not necessary or any of her or our business.

It sounds like the ex is trying to create an issue out of nothing. Just completely ignore the message, especially as it sounds like SD is ok and happy.

Just wondering though, how has she seen that you're away? Was it on social media? We have all accounts private and aren't 'friends' or 'following' Mum or her family, so they don't see anything we share.

Laurdo · 25/05/2023 15:54

bluepen12 · 25/05/2023 15:41

Of course it's fine.

It's always some power struggles when she is with us, so holidaying together can be really stresfull. I'm sad when think of holidays and weekends away we could have had.

That's such a shame and quite pathetic really. He should be able to prioritise your needs as much as his DDs. Holidays with kids are fun but they're just not the same as time away as a couple. Will he not even do weekends away without her?

Why are her feelings valid but not yours? She's allowed to feel upset at not being invited on holidays but it doesn't mean he has to pander to her. He's going to end up with a spoiled young lady who can't handle being told no.

Do you have any friends you could go away. I'd do that.

tatteddear · 25/05/2023 15:55

Yes of course we do. And without my children too.
This is the ex making an issue not the DSD I would think.
Fine to leave contact details, but unless your dh is missing time with his dd there is nothing further to be explained or said.

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