How sacrosanct is contact?

[changewhale]

My DH has eoweekend and he visits them in the week he doesn't have the weekend. He also has them 50/50 in the holidays. There have been three occasions in the 7+ years I have known him where I have asked if he could ask to rearrange as I felt he was needed for hospital appointments for either myself or our shared DC. He has refused. Am I being unreasonable to ask this? I worry about what would happen in an emergancy on a contact day. For context DH has picked up extra days when ex wife needed it for similar and less.

No, their mother will just have to learn to go to appointments and things alone. She can't expect him to be a father to her children on days which belong to his children with OP.
You made out that it's about OP and not the children so same applies the other way.
If it will catastrophically damage a child for their father not to be present on a day they might expect as his other child needs him then fine, you are absolutely correct, but that applies to all the children.
Or maybe you see now that your arguement is nonsense.

I repeat - he sees the younger DC all the time and the older DC far less frequently. So it’s entirely understandable that he refuses to miss his limited contact with his older DC. If you still claim not to understand this there’s nothing anyone can say.

Seeing them all the time means shit all if he won't even try to be there for them when it's a big deal.
I don't "claim" not to understand. I do not understand anyone who believes some of a person's children are more worthy than others. I think it's a disgusting attitude and I'm so thankful my DH loves and cares for all of his children equally.

@gogohmm @changewhale

The thing is that some people make it a personal thing to be as angry at their ex as humanly possible. Being angry people can't feasibly switch a day (obviously not referring to abuse) is a incredible waste of energy. That energy although some may say is justified - could be put into the children.

I chose to have a baby with my ex husband that means for at least 21 years or more we will have to interact and I would prefer to not spend that time playing tic tac be as difficult as possible to with my ex to punish him for things that he can't change.

That said I lost my first baby and when you live through that, it tends to put certain things in perspective.

I repeat - he sees the younger DC all the time and the older DC far less frequently. So it’s entirely understandable that he refuses to miss his limited contact with his older DC. If you still claim not to understand this there’s nothing anyone can say.

Naturally should his younger children have a terrifying medical appointment, they should not expect their DF to prioritise being there. That definitely won't hurt them more than seeing him a day later for a regular catch up would upset his precious first children.

I’m sure he would prioritise a DC who was having a genuine medical crisis. I haven’t seen anyone suggest otherwise.

The thing with this, though, is that the person who really lost out was the DH. And, actually, possibly the DSS because he didn’t get to know his half siblings very well and so doesn’t really have any sort of relationship with them now. The second wife and her kids had a great time doing their own thing and have a great network of friends and interests which the DH now has to fit in with. He’ll arrange the odd lunch/meet up with his son whenever he can, but the dss is now married and of course his wife tags along (but his dad’s wife usually doesn’t) so it’s a slightly awkward dynamic and not at all a ‘big happy family’ one, as the younger kids just don't know him that well and aren’t overly bothered about seeing him or not. And that’s tough on the DH - but is really just a function of his own actions over the years.

The bitterness of your use of the term “precious first children” tells me a lot about your overall attitude. Poor kids.

No it really doesn't. All the children should be considered precious. Whether you meant to or not, YOU are the one who has been suggesting his youngest should not be, because your words have implied that it doesn't matter how important the thing going on with them is, he should always prioritise not missing contact.

Poor kids indeed, but not the one's you're talking about.

I’m sure he would prioritise a DC who was having a genuine medical crisis. I haven’t seen anyone suggest otherwise.

Erm, you? I'm not just talking about getting hit by a bus. I'm talking about scheduled appointments with potentially upsetting outcomes. You are the one who has been arguing that he should prioritise not delaying contact over this, on the basis that "he sees them less".

@Famzonhol I’m sure he would prioritise a DC who was having a genuine medical crisis. I haven’t seen anyone suggest otherwise.

That is the whole point of this thread you seem to have missed. The OP is not sure he would as he point blank refuses to ever move his contact time even when their joint dc was in hospital. It's not really for you to suggest he would attend a medical crisis as you don't know him. The OP does.

Then it’s also not for you to say either what he would or wouldn’t do in a genuine crisis.

Since no medical crisis has been mentioned I guess none of us knows. OP’s main worry seems to be that he won’t attend a parents evening if it clashes with seeing his older DC.

There have been 3 appointments I asked him to attend. I felt they were potentially serious enough for me to want him there. For me and my DC. He refused as it was contact day. I have also attended appointments without him and he has been welcome to join but they have been on contact days. I don't ask him to come to these things unless they are important and potentially life changing.

I am concerned about parents evenings yes, and basically what I can expect if this approach of his carrys on. I know he wants to see his other children. I am not asking him not to see them. Simply to ask if he can swap the day. No child is going to be traumatised seeing their dad one day sooner than expected?! If he can't then I'd cross that bridge when it came to it.

I think several PP have summed it up well and I thank everyone who has provided their lived in experiences its been very valuable.

@Famzonhol I worry about what would happen in an emergancy on a contact day.

This is what the OP said they are worried about so I am not assuming anything. You are assuming he would attend. You can't go making up theories and beliefs based on your own experiences. If the OP who knows her dh is concerned then you are not in a position to invalidate this concern with your own imagined scenarios. Why do people do this? It's not about you. It's about her and she has these concerns so stick to the points she makes. Not ones you have created.

She did come on a forum asking for opinions. So I gave mine. You feel free to give yours too.

@Famzonhol opinions based on what she has said is her experience. Not opinions based on your experience of people you know. It's irrelevant if you assume he would take time if there was a crisis as you don't know him. The OP does know him as she has her doubts.

He only sees his kids every other weekend and once during the alternate week. That is really not much time at all and I can completly understand why he is protective of it. If he starts cancelling contact here and there, it really limits his time with his children and given they are aready getting older, that consistency and the little time he does have with them is really important. I think it is also a slippery slope. Once you start cancelling contact or starting to changing the schedule, it becomes confusing for the kids and it seems like dad isn't prioritizing them at all...since it is only 6 days a month that there is even the opportunity to prioritize them. Kids that age often have activiites and friend things going on and so to start saying that contact needs to switch often means it doesn't happen at all as it isn't fair to ask the kids to stop their activiites or miss things because their step mom has an appointment that is more important than a weekend with them. OP and their shared DC get prioritized the other 22-23 days of the month. I do think it is unreasonable to feel it is unfair that the DSC get prioritized on a measly 8 days a month.

Many parents work shift work and weekends and miss occasional events or aren't available anytime their spouse wants them. Parents also often divide and conquer and don't do everything together with shared kids. I think there is some idealism and wishful thinking here that somehow if the DSC didn't exist, then DH would be available all the time to Op and shared kids without this other responsibility pulling him away. But they do exist and that is the reality and he does need to prioritize the relationships with those kids as he has very little time with them and they are growing up and the EOW schedule rarely works for teens (unless parents live close together).

So true.

3 times in more than 7 years is not chopping and changing nor would a few more confuse any child.
A couple of times a year wouldn't confuse anyone as long as things were rearranged so they still got to spend time together. The OP says dh is happy to rearrange when his ex asks. It's really not some big dramatic saga like you are making it sound

I think behind this is probably a feeling that your Dc aren't as important if critically Ill ect than contact that can be rearranged.

No one not op or any others have suggested not seeing DSC just changing the day for the lord sake.

Priority and focus in a family changes based on need. Well in healthy families. The thing is Dc will pick up on this and wonder why dad wasn't there (when say in hospital)

Op I think you need a heart to heart with your DP. As a mum I strongly suspect my ex is like this (and I have told him repeatedly I don't mind) for him at least it's guilt driving it. But I also want my Dd to know (should they have kids) that yes daddy will always see her but x is v sick right now and need their dad so he's coming on x.

It doesn't need to be a big thing or drama, just life and I don't want to raise a kid that thinks they come first at the expense of their siblings. Because that's not how healthy families work. Even if mine is ahem rather extended 😂

As I said, it is a slippery slope. She has only asked 3 times in 7 years because he has taken a rigid stance that for those six days a month, he prioritizes the older kids vs the other 22-23 days a month he prioritizes OP and their shared DC.

If he was open to the idea, it wouldnt be three timesin 7 years and it means the is pressure on him for every request to have to be the bad guy to someone. It also means asking the ex and then needing to negotiate different days.

Soon, an emergency only request turns into more and more requests as it is now an option and there is no emotional labour put on OP to make requests. It is all on her DH to either say no and upset her or to work with his ex to renogotiate contact and potentially upset her and the kids. His way takes away all that extra emotional labour and pressure on him to choose between his kids who he barely sees and his wife who wants him to prioritize her over them on more than the 22-23 days that he already does. and it limits when OP would ask him because she knows he is goign to prioritize his kids those 6 days a month and that contact isn't open for negotation to him

Many parents haven't made it to a parents night because of other obligations and responsiblities. It isn't the end of the world for one parent to not be there.

he prioritizes the older kids vs the other 22-23 days a month he prioritizes OP and their shared DC
By your definition of what being a good parent and "prioritiser" of children looks like, he doesn't prioritise the youngest at all, never mind on 22 days of the month. Because he's always available to drop them and see to changes his ex wants to make. His time with them isn't ring fenced. He will always be there for the big events of the eldest, even at the expense of the younger child, because that's what is important to him. He can take or leave the youngest, show up or not depending on his contact schedule when no such restrictions apply the other way around.
It's a shitty attitude and will damage his whole family in the long run. I suspect he won't realise it until it's too late.

@Freefall212 what the biggest load of ....

My god. He's not prioritising the shared dc because he lives in their house with them 😵‍💫

Ffs I'm assuming he's not a house husband there tend to the dc every whim and need and work, schools and people need for sleep. This isn't about the day to day running of thing.

It's about the exceptions. Life happens, bad things happen. Needs of children change.

The fact that op and her DH are together shouldn't be used as a reason to literally pretend like the other kids mean nothing.
I'm sure if DSC had a emergency op wouldn't be like oh sorry you can't go if it didn't fall on a contact day 🙄

People saying things like this reminds me why we have to have courts to make people act like adults.

@Freefall212 wow I can see why you use your username. Do you catastrophise everything like this? Do you always worry that everything is a slippery slope to disaster? That must be a very stressful position to take.

Gosh 3 x in more than 7 years will be 'you aren't allowed to see your dc. EVEEEEERRRRRR' in a fortnight if you don't stay VIGILANT. Those crazy second mums - give them an inch.... 🙄