How sacrosanct is contact?

[changewhale]

My DH has eoweekend and he visits them in the week he doesn't have the weekend. He also has them 50/50 in the holidays. There have been three occasions in the 7+ years I have known him where I have asked if he could ask to rearrange as I felt he was needed for hospital appointments for either myself or our shared DC. He has refused. Am I being unreasonable to ask this? I worry about what would happen in an emergancy on a contact day. For context DH has picked up extra days when ex wife needed it for similar and less.

No my standards are high.

Once you are a parent, short of a personal emergency, the kids come first.

Bear in mind he only gets to see them once a fortnight.

Plenty of posts on MN where the single mum complains about ex hubby’s not sticking to agreements.

To be fair, thinking only some children always come first is a pretty low standard to hold anyone to.

My DH rarely asks his ex to rearrange because it's high-conflict.

Hospitals will not generally dish out appointments based on your weekend plans.

@aSofaNearYou very good point

Threads like this make me thankful that DP and his ex co-parented flexibly like adults.

I don't see how sticking rigidly to a set plan with no room for flexibility benefits anyone, including the children.
I have often seen people on here talk about their tween/teen SCs being expected to miss out on their own plans, weekend clubs etc to accommodate a rigid schedule set when they were toddlers for no reason other than dogged determination of the adults to stick to their guns. It's madness.

I'm not trying to be awkward, but can you ensure your appointments are on a day he's around?

Yes they don't fit in neat little boxes

In the situation I outlined upthread, this was what the father in question ended up with. And then, as everyone got
older, the little boxes weren’t so neat anymore - and he wanted everyone to be happy in one big box. But it was too late for that by then because resentments had built up over years.

DSS is now grown up, but for years we had the most ridiculously strict arrangements, I used to call it Extreme Rota Compliance. DH was terrified of his ex (although he will deny this) and used to do the most stupid things to avoid changing any arrangements. He did EOW plus Wednesday nights.

Did this make him a stable, committed father? In theory, yes. But in reality both us and DSS missed out on things due to rota compliance. The rota was the most important thing in life, it eclipsed everything else (including common sense) and caused a lot of resentment. I often pointed out that in a 'together family' life changes and flexes, and family members accommodate this. Why should step families be any different? But imagine having to live your week in exactly the same strict pattern for over a decade, just 'because.' I'm so grateful my lovely Dad chose a Tuesday to pass away, if he'd hung on til Wednesday I would have been dealing with it on my own.

Stable and reliable to who? Because he's not been reliable in taking his younger DC to important health appointments. Or does that child not count?

But he's only being stable and reliable to the 'first family' children!! For the 'second children' he's probably more like an absent parent ....

@CuriouslyDifferent The OP said "I felt he was needed for hospital appointments for either myself or our shared DC. He has refused. Am I being unreasonable to ask this? I worry about what would happen in an emergancy on a contact day. For context DH has picked up extra days when ex wife needed it for similar and less."

I know all about prioritising dc. I have 3. But being with them does not supersede everything. If their joint dc is in hospital and the OP needs support then simply being with his dc is something that can and should be rearranged just like he does for his ex. It's completely unacceptable to suggest that the OP and joint dc just need to cope in an emergency or emotionally stressful situations just because it's his contact time. If I had to rush in to hospital my dh would have arranged something for our dc so he could come with me. Because sometimes the crisis is more pressing than the regular routine. That goes for NR dc as well. Good grief. Imagine being in hospital going through a miscarriage alone or whilst your dc is in a coma and someone like you wittering on that contact time is sacrosanct and unmovable and dh shouldn't expect to be with you. You have low low expectations of a relationship

Are we talking about my DH here because me most certainly does not only see them once a fortnight

It's completely unacceptable to suggest that the OP and joint dc just need to cope in an emergency or emotionally stressful situations just because it's his contact time. If I had to rush in to hospital my dh would have arranged something for our dc so he could come with me. Because sometimes the crisis is more pressing than the regular routine.

Well I agree, but I suspect quite a few people won't

Yes that's my concern

Not really no

Hmm... now that you mention it he is quite "listy" and this has to be done this way. Not in a bossy way just in a his brain cannot compute any other way.

No, he lives full time with the second set of children so rightly makes sure not to miss the limited contact he has with his older DC just because OP can’t go to an appointment without him.

No, he lives full time with the second set of children so rightly makes sure not to miss the limited contact he has with his older DC just because OP can’t go to an appointment without him.

Oh FFS. And if the appointment was for something serious or upsetting? Oh no, he doesn't live with his other kids which is the only emotionally distressing thing imaginable, therefore they MUST have their McDonald's on that day and not the next day.

Some people are wired that way. My step dad is one of them, he means nothing bad in it, it's just the only way he works, and he struggles if we try and throw him off his routing.

He's a good man, and while its incredibly annoying sometimes we just deal with it.

I don't know what advice to give because it's hard to change the nature of a person.

Fine to have this attitude if it also cuts the other way and his eldest DC cannot expect him to show up for them when they need him on any other day than their specific contacts days, I suppose.

I agree, but generally it's a one way street (in favour of the older children).

Well, no, because he already sees the older DC far less than he sees the younger ones.

Sorry? I could go to the appointments without him and did. They would have been far less traumatising with him there for support though.

It doesn't he goes to school plays etc on the days they are on.

Again to reiterate there have only been 3 times I think it is when I have asked him to move contact. The rest of the time I have told him and hoped he'd want to come but not asked him to.

I guess you only see the parents that have had to resort to contact centres though.