How sacrosanct is contact?

[changewhale]

My DH has eoweekend and he visits them in the week he doesn't have the weekend. He also has them 50/50 in the holidays. There have been three occasions in the 7+ years I have known him where I have asked if he could ask to rearrange as I felt he was needed for hospital appointments for either myself or our shared DC. He has refused. Am I being unreasonable to ask this? I worry about what would happen in an emergancy on a contact day. For context DH has picked up extra days when ex wife needed it for similar and less.

I can't believe you don't want him to go to parents' evenings for his children. That's ridiculous.

I mean as you are in couple and a unit, he gets to take credit for what the unit does. If he's not doing something for your kids, it's fine because you are sorting it and the unit is doing its job.
If he's not doing something for his elder kids, he's more exposed as lacking.
It absolutely shouldn't always be down to his ex to sort everything but that's true of you as well. You shouldn't be worse off for being in a relationship with him, that's ridiculous.

She does, ALL of his children, hers included

Hospitals will not generally dish out appointments based on your weekend plans.

And this ignores the hurt feelings on OP and her kids side, which should also matter.

I haven't said that have I.

Why the assumption that their would be hurt feelings? What kind of upbringing are we saying the elder kids are having that they won't understand that their younger siblings sometimes need Dad, too?
"Timmy, will see you on Tuesday instead of Wednesday next week as it's little Tommy's parents evening/hospital appointment/something important"
"Ok dad, see you then"
Honestly, everything doesn't have to be a big drama. The kids should know that their Dad was their for them at those times and their younger siblings deserve the same.

Sorry have you had a hospital appointment lately? You cannot arrange appointments you are given an appointment. Even if you want to change the appointment you cannot get through to anyone to do so. I had an appointment and was told to cancel it if something in particular happened before it as we would know what it wasn't. The thing happened so with a fortnight before the appointment I was ringing to cancel it at varying times, various numbers, leaving voicemails with my personal information on on goodness knows what answer machine as they aren't set up well enough to know where you've got through to. And then..I got a snotty letter telling me off for not showing up!! It's stressful enough without having to try and get the NHS to fit around my DH's contact day.

Exactly. Swapping for a different day, especially with notice, really shouldn't be that big of a deal, they're not being dropped at the last minute.

Yes see! And even more than that I don't believe the kids would be hurt. And as I said I'm sure mum would be happy for him to do some of the club runs etc instead of her. So he could just say in advance can I swap to Tuesday instead next week. He is the only one being so rigid.

He only sees his children once a week so of course he should always prioritise them. As they’re getting older it won’t be forever, but they do deserve to know that they are their father’s priority on the weekends and evening he is scheduled to see them.

Although you might like him to be at appointments with you, it’s not a genuine need like his children have.

It's a bit wishy washy to say the kids "need" to see him rigidly on specific days without ever having minor deviations. Highly debatable.

This is utter nonsense. All the children should be their Dad's priority when they need him.
What if the elder kids have something important on a non-contact day for dad? Are you saying that OPs children have absolutely blocked out those days as "their" days and her DSC shouldn't expect their dad to be there for them?
If so, you are wrong but at least you're not a hypocrite.

I was very flexible with my ex who often text just an hour before he should be having DS and said he was too busy so I had to cancel my plans or take DS with me. I did not make a fuss because he agreed I could have DS every Xmas Eve and Xmas day. I sucked it up to get Xmas every year. Exh had Boxing Day every year. I know he just didn't want to have to do stockings and cook a turkey Xmas dinner.

It depends on what the appointments were for.

My DD needed some appointments to check out a condition that is in her father's family but not mine. Therefore as I know absolutely nothing about the condition it is better that he takes her.

On the other hand for her hospital opticians appointments while my DP can take her, as I'm the one who wears glasses and have family members with various eye conditions it is better that I take her.

In the former case it meant on one occasion he could take his oldest DC to a medical appointment at the same time particularly as he knew of our DD's appointment as soon as it arrived. There as with the opticians appointments I just tell him and take her unless he really wants to go.

Sorry should say:

In the former case it meant on one occasion he could not take his oldest DC to a medical appointment at the same time particularly as he knew of our DD's appointment as soon as it arrived.

It seems fairly depressing that you are annoyed he is a good parent. Men can't win sometimes. Don't turn up for your kids and its "why would you have kids with such a loser". Do turn up reliably and its "I can't believe he won't alter things for you". Sounds like you would prefer he was a shit dad. He is with you and your children most of the time and you resent him trying to remain involved with his other children. Jesus

Nah see I think that's rubbish and the should deserve to know he has 3 children and will do his best to prioritise them as needed. Or are you genuinely saying the weekends they are here my DH needs to be prioritising them every time over DC. I won't stand for that.

How does his children not swapping a day trump a hospital appointment for my DC? It's not going to alter their life drastically if they saw him on a Tuesday one week as a one off.

I think OP would prefer it if he could dig deep and be a good dad to all of his children.
Jesus.

He's being a good parent to DSC sure. No doubt about it.

Yes please. This is my concern. I do not resent him trying to remain involved with his other children. It's his attitude towards DC. I'm guessing it's a bit normal for someone in my position to do a bit more than their partner as they can't be in two places at once.

It probably is normal, he has DC across two households so there will always be more to think about logistically, completely understandable.
It's the fact that he doesn't even seem to want to try to fit all his kids in, like he's got parallel lives or something.
To me, DH is the father of DSD and our DC all the time, not just on specific days. So sometimes I'll be picking up the slack as DSD has parents evening or his ex has had an emergency. Other times, things have been shifted to accommodate our childrens needs.
The very idea that you can stream your childrens lives and needs into rigid date patterns and pat yourself on the back for being a good parent is ludicrous.

@candlesflamesandbrooms

What a refreshing attitude. I wish more parents were like you. I run a contact centre and the sheer hatred is unbelievable, also completely distrusting the former partner. We are intermediaries for drop offs because they can't face seeing each other (as opposed to those who are needing supervision)

Yes they don't fit in neat little boxes

I'm pretty sure if they were the OPs own dc she would absolutely expect him to find some alternative childcare so he could support her when she is in hospital whatever are you talking about? Do you honestly believe that once you have dc you have no right to have needs yourself? God your standards are low.

Is it his personality trait with other things? Can he rearrange other plans in life, or is it just his eldest children he can't swap.

You aren't asking often, or for frivolous purposes. You say his ex would be ok with it, any you are talking about swaps, not skipping.

He's with a complete concrete thinker, or he's an asshole! All of you deserve more consideration.