How sacrosanct is contact?

[changewhale]

My DH has eoweekend and he visits them in the week he doesn't have the weekend. He also has them 50/50 in the holidays. There have been three occasions in the 7+ years I have known him where I have asked if he could ask to rearrange as I felt he was needed for hospital appointments for either myself or our shared DC. He has refused. Am I being unreasonable to ask this? I worry about what would happen in an emergancy on a contact day. For context DH has picked up extra days when ex wife needed it for similar and less.

Ah sorry. So the weekend and holiday contact he'd be fine to leave them here. But it's this midweek contact where he goes to them near their mums. It's far away so takes basically the afternoon and most the evening out the equation

Ah sorry. So the weekend and holiday contact he'd be fine to leave them here. But it's this midweek contact where he goes to them near their mums. It's far away so takes basically the afternoon and most the evening out the equation

Ah I see. Yes I think he should definitely swap that contact when you have something else important on. I think it's really poor form that he doesn't.

Maybe it won't be too big an issue and I'm overthrowing it. Youngest DSC will be at secondary school soon. I can just see if parents evening falls on the dame day as DC's he'll be insisting on going to DSCs but then perhaps that would make sense as they are going into GSCEs etc. But I'd damn well expect him to show up for DC's when they get to the same age then.

And thing is I don't even think mum would mind with enough notice swapping to a different day. If he can pick up some of the driving them to and from hobbies instead I'm sure she'd like that! He won't even ask though.

In this case he's unreasonable to go to his eldest at the expense of the youngest. Dates for parents evenings are known well in advance so he could ask to swap his visit or arrange a babysitter if his ex needs one.
If he goes to parents evenings for the elder then he's interested/involved/supportive of them as he should be. What blanks should we fill in if he doesn't go to parents evenings for the younger kids I wonder?

He attends for his SDC

Presumably because you're at home to mind the younger children.

He's not in a relationship with his older childrens' mother so things won't work out in the same way.

Not really - OP says his ex would be happy to be flexible, so their mother is available to look after them.

I actually most parents want to attend their kids parents evening. Both parents. Why would you not want to see how your child is developing and getting on at school?

You don't need to attend parents evening to find that out. One parent can go and the other can find out later - surely that's the norm in families with multiple DC?

He's still in a parenting relationship with the younger kids though. He should either show up for all of them because it's important or show up for none because it's not important.

Not really - OP says his ex would be happy to be flexible, so their mother is available to look after them.

I missed that or x-posted with it.

In your scenario OP would not be able to go because her DH is away to see his eldest, hence this post. So she would need to get a babysitter in order to attend. Just as he could arrange for the older kids if his ex was unwilling to swap and it was important enough to him to do so.

He should either show up for all of them because it's important or show up for none because it's not important.

I don't really agree with this.

He's married to OP so they can just discuss parents evening when she gets home - whereas with the ex, they're not in a relationship and live a distance apart so he maybe wants to speak to the school himself rather than have to go via his ex.

I just don't think you can compare the two relationships - the older DC don't live with both parents so things are always going to be different compared to what happens with shared children.

In your scenario OP would not be able to go because her DH is away to see his eldest, hence this post. So she would need to get a babysitter in order to attend.

Why would she need a babysitter?

It's the norm where I am to take siblings to parents evenings, especially at primary.

I mean it really feels like you're clutching at straws here. He could easily discuss with his ex and he could potentially also easily get her to watch the older kids. It's really not all that different.

Then why did you say it was the norm for parents with multiple kids for only one to attend parents evening?

Then why did you say it was the norm for parents with multiple kids for only one to attend parents evening?

Because it can be the norm for two things to happen at the same time?

He could easily discuss with his ex and he could potentially also easily get her to watch the older kids. It's really not all that different.

He could discuss with his ex but maybe he doesn't feel comfortable doing that tor whatever reason.

I agree he could ask her to swap days, but I suppose I just don't see attending parents evening as some big thing to make an issue out of 🤷‍♀️

Your post heavily implied the reason it was the norm for families with multiple children to only have one parent attend was that the other one needed to watch the other kids, and then you said why wouldn't they just bring the other kids as this is the norm....

Your post heavily implied the reason it was the norm for families with multiple children to only have one parent attend was that the other one needed to watch the other kids, and then you said why wouldn't they just bring the other kids as this is the norm....

Well, both can be true, can't they?

Single parent families, or where one parent is working or unavailable , the norm may be to bring children along.

Equally for other families it may be easier to have one parent at home with the DC (especially if it falls over bedtime) with the other attending parents evening.

I'm not sure what's so hard to grasp

They don't attend together. She goes and then he goes too. They have seperate events. Is he going to insist he goes for DC? We shall see. Even if it is only one parent allowed unless seperated I would expect him to be wanting to go if he's so keen to go to DSC. I somehow doubt it but we have a while until then. It's like when it comes to DSC he wants to do the whole "but dad's are parents too" thing but when it's DC he's fine for me to do all the appointments etc. Sorry I'm going off on a tangent here now!

It's the norm for parents to show interest in the education of all of their children, regardless of convenience, what's so hard to grasp about that 🙄

My parents never took the other siblings along to parents evenings. It's an occasion that should be focused on that child in particular. I get some parents may not be able to do this though.

You can cover for him with yours.
His ex can't with theirs.
It's all about outside perceptions then. Lovely.

Sorry I don't understand? I don't know what he's doing or why he's insisting on going to parents evenings or doing things like taking them for hair cuts. I guess maybe their mum has had enough of it always being down to her or not wanting to rehash parents evening?

Generally I think it's really positive for him to stick to the arrangements. Nothing has to be negotiated, with all the hurt feelings and tit for tat that goes with it. He and his children have a routine that everyone understands. Nobody is left wondering if they are going to get to see their dad this weekend etc etc.

You can arrange appointments around the arrangements surely? And I'm sure if there was a real emergency, everyone would accommodate it without resentment or delay.