Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Feeding the pet again!

70 replies

dontworrybhappy · 24/05/2023 04:21

Hi, been with partner for 4 years.He has a 19 year old.daughter. Hes been secretive about commu ication hes had with his ex before as iv been insecure in the past.(found naked photos of her from when theu were younger that hed kept in a lock up somewhere not looked at regular but he knew they were in their as he told me they may be in one of his boxes ) other things have made me insecure as I found out before he met me( about 10 years ago now) they had got back together (5 years after splitting up) and that they used to spend time together when both single doing family.things.
Mil has tried to split us up and she coerced his daughter into making up lies about me saying i wasnt making her feel welcome at our home which destroyed me. He just let everyone say all these things and pandered to them ,excluding me and my children at the request of his daughter and mother, we wernt allowed round to his mums house anymore and he had to take.his daughter out alone or take her to his Mums alone for contact as she said she didnt feel comfortable with me and my kids.
I found out he had secret calls to the ex about the situation never telling me never setting any of them straight or pulling his daughter up about it.
Iv been blamed by his mother that my bf doesnt talk much to the ex anymore. Thats not my doing, bf does exactly as he wants. I used to sit.in the car and cry when he used to drop his daughter off as ex wud stand at door in her nightie chatting telling him all her business.

Now his daughter is older he doesmt need to communicate as much with the ex he says, but shes a chatterbox so if she is on the doorstep she will chat i cant do anything about that. She has occassionally.asked for favours from him and he has done the odd thing i didnt agree with like warning her off someone she was seeing as he heard the man was into drugs(he says he did it for his daughters sake)

He likes to reiterate sometimes too much that he isnt interested in her and what she does a bit like "one doth protest too much" but nothing is going on i know that.

Everything is ok now with dsd as i sorted it out myself and swallowed my pride, she never apologised for the lies and i unfortunatly dont make the effort i used to do because she hurt me (e.g i let my bf buy her birthday card n presents alone now)

shes pleasant when she comes but dictates alot of what happens at the weekend as she never lets us know if shes coming or not so we will hang about all day or bf will drop everything to fetch her from work at last minute even if we are out. Shes also v v quiet unless.i do all the convo her and her dad hardly speak either its all a bit awkward! Shes makes.no effort with my children everything seems forced. Doesnt even wish any of my kids a happy.birthday. MIL still doesnt have anything to do with me, and bf doesnt try to sort this or pull her up about it.

I dont really know what the point of this is only to say everthing just builds up , and to top it off she dropped the house keys round last minute on the day they went abroad for my bf to go in their house and feed the f pet. Something he has always done for his ex.( he says she has no one else to do it and why wouldnt he as he sees its for his daughter) Im probably.just very very insecure and looking for some advice please xx thank you everyone

OP posts:
PonyPals · 24/05/2023 04:54

Wow after all this bullshit. You are fixating on feeding the pet?!

Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 24/05/2023 05:10

🤣 that has made me laugh! I think its just all getting to me, but maybe im being dramatic and need to let things go as nothing really bad is happening ,I can overthink things.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 24/05/2023 05:13

He sounds like a catch 🙄

Ragwort · 24/05/2023 05:18

You've been in this situation for four years and are clearly unhappy ... why do you stay? Do you rent/own a property together? It's not going to change, you need to make plans to live independently.

changewhale · 24/05/2023 07:27

There is more to this than the pet. Are toy financially tied to him? Can you leave easily?

changewhale · 24/05/2023 07:28

*you not toy

TreesandFish · 24/05/2023 07:32

Why don't you just leave? This relationship sounds like a lot of hard work

aSofaNearYou · 24/05/2023 07:45

I agree with PPs, it sounds like this relationship is making you miserable and you don't have to stay.

IncomingTraffic · 24/05/2023 07:46

The story you’ve told is one where he openly disrespects and undermines you repeatedly, over years.

And it sounds like it’s been shit for your children too.

Honestly, he cannot be worth this crap.

IncomingTraffic · 24/05/2023 07:48

He’s had you doing the pick me dance throughout the 4 years you’ve been together. I’m sure that does his ego a power of good.

But you don’t have to keep doing it. If he wants to obsess over his ex… leave him to it.

Newusernameaug · 24/05/2023 07:49

Sorry but you do sound insecure and like this is likely 50/50 issues.

You say you became insecure because he had old naked photos of his ex he warned you about. I don’t get the problem here. You chose to look at them. You could of allowed him to find them whenever he did and bin them. There’s no need to make a drama out of it and allow it to effect you. I still have photos of exes.

Nothing wrong with still spending time as a family, and if he wasn’t then allowed to do it once you started dating it’s no wonder they’re all unhappy with you, you should of encouraged him to still be there for his daughter.

You say neither of them really talk and so you have to do the talking otherwise it feels awkward - this is 100% on you and would drive me mad! People who chatter on about nothing just to fill the silence, you need to be comfortable in silence.

I also see no issue with looking after his daughters pet??

Sorry to have a go, but I feel like you may be causing all of this, rather than just enjoying your relationship!!!

changewhale · 24/05/2023 07:50

Newusernameaug · 24/05/2023 07:49

Sorry but you do sound insecure and like this is likely 50/50 issues.

You say you became insecure because he had old naked photos of his ex he warned you about. I don’t get the problem here. You chose to look at them. You could of allowed him to find them whenever he did and bin them. There’s no need to make a drama out of it and allow it to effect you. I still have photos of exes.

Nothing wrong with still spending time as a family, and if he wasn’t then allowed to do it once you started dating it’s no wonder they’re all unhappy with you, you should of encouraged him to still be there for his daughter.

You say neither of them really talk and so you have to do the talking otherwise it feels awkward - this is 100% on you and would drive me mad! People who chatter on about nothing just to fill the silence, you need to be comfortable in silence.

I also see no issue with looking after his daughters pet??

Sorry to have a go, but I feel like you may be causing all of this, rather than just enjoying your relationship!!!

Do your exes know you still have their nudes? I thought the polite thing to do would be to hand them back with the negatives if they still exist

Livinghappy · 24/05/2023 07:59

Sorry but you do sound insecure and like this is likely 50/50 issues

Agree. His daughter was 15 when you met. Very difficult age so I think your expectations may have been too high. I think you crying in the car whilst he was talking to his ex on the doorstep is excessive as he has no control over what she is wearing. If its at the stage where the Ex can impact you then I think you can't stay in the relationship as their boundaries (chatty and him helping her) are too triggering for you.

Perhaps you have cause to be triggered but it's unlikely to get better so why are you staying?

Laurdo · 24/05/2023 08:12

The only problem here is you BF. He has no respect for you and will pick his ex over you every time. The reason you feel insecure is because he's made you feel like that and doesn't seem to care about doing anything to make you feel more secure in this relationship. Why are his ex's feelings more important than yours?

Most people would feel insecure about the situation you have described. If my DH still had naked photos of his ex years after they split up, even if he told me about them I'd worry that he wasn't really over her. I wouldn't like the idea of him going in and out of her house and doing family things together. My DH despises his ex but even if that wasn't the case, if I told him something he was doing was making me uncomfortable he would take that onboard, reassure me and most likely stop whatever was making me uncomfortable.

I won't even give you advice on how to deal with his daughter etc because really you just need to leave him. He's not going to change, if he hasn't made you a priority after 4 years he's not going to start now and you have children to think about. You all deserve better than this.

To put things in perspective, my DH has 3 kids, who are still kids and not adults. We've been together 2.5 years and I've never been made to feel insecure, never felt like 2nd best and he's always made me a priority. We have the kids just over 50%. Any requests from the ex to change the schedule (she asks for favours a lot) are ran past me first and if I say "remember we have plans", the ex is told no.

Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 24/05/2023 08:16

He had had opportunity to bin them over the 15 years he kept them, Also when i did decide to keep quiet the daughter said i was being off with her , but thats all sorted now as regards his daughter. When i say silent i mean you literally have to ask if she wants a drink. Also I never stopped anyone doing anything when we met his ex had a fiance so theyd already stopped spending time doing family things by then so it wasnt down to me.

OP posts:
Tots678 · 24/05/2023 08:19

How old are you?
This life sounds so stressful and unpleasant. Get a new one!!

Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 24/05/2023 08:24

Im 37 , its not unpleasant i think alot is down to my own insecurities but hes not very affectionate and reassuring hes quite cold so it doesnt help. He just gets annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 24/05/2023 08:26

Thats sounds like an equal relationship to me :) I know things arnt perfect but i dont feel as if we have that. I feel as if we are on the sidelines not to his ex at all as like i said he doesnt really communicate with her much anymore as daughter is 19 , but its just all add up over time. X

OP posts:
Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 24/05/2023 08:50

It isnt that theyre silent really its the fact that i suspect they get all their talking out the way when were not their as he seems to know everything.Its more my bf than her as shes opened up alot lately and will openly chat if i start a convo but he wont converse much with her in our prescence. He has never done anything to blend us as a family its all me making the effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 24/05/2023 09:06

Newusernameaug · 24/05/2023 07:49

Sorry but you do sound insecure and like this is likely 50/50 issues.

You say you became insecure because he had old naked photos of his ex he warned you about. I don’t get the problem here. You chose to look at them. You could of allowed him to find them whenever he did and bin them. There’s no need to make a drama out of it and allow it to effect you. I still have photos of exes.

Nothing wrong with still spending time as a family, and if he wasn’t then allowed to do it once you started dating it’s no wonder they’re all unhappy with you, you should of encouraged him to still be there for his daughter.

You say neither of them really talk and so you have to do the talking otherwise it feels awkward - this is 100% on you and would drive me mad! People who chatter on about nothing just to fill the silence, you need to be comfortable in silence.

I also see no issue with looking after his daughters pet??

Sorry to have a go, but I feel like you may be causing all of this, rather than just enjoying your relationship!!!

I just think things are very odd sometimes like he diesnt want to make effort to hsve that closeness even towards his Daughter.He has often forgotten to include her in the past where i never ever wanted her to be left out. I was also told the ex before me accused him of still hsving feeling for babymum as she made friends with babymum and he didnt like it (even though previous hed been pally with her himself) He told me he didnt want her to know his business nor go out as couples , so the ex before me uses to meet the babymum for secret girly days behind his back. His mother is also very very interferring and what put her off me was when we had a row he went straight to her and told her so she turned against me frm then on and has done everything to split us up. But he ignores her he says shes missing out if she wants to be like that but he still goes up to her house me and my kids arnt welcome(previously she had referred to my kids as her grandchildren so it was lovely :( its a shame

OP posts:
Laurdo · 24/05/2023 09:13

dontworrybhappy · 24/05/2023 08:50

It isnt that theyre silent really its the fact that i suspect they get all their talking out the way when were not their as he seems to know everything.Its more my bf than her as shes opened up alot lately and will openly chat if i start a convo but he wont converse much with her in our prescence. He has never done anything to blend us as a family its all me making the effort.

Again, why are you staying with someone who makes zero effort? Who is cold and doesn't show affection? Who treats you like an outsider? What exactly are you getting from this relationship?

To make matters worse, you think that it's all your fault because you have insecurities. He's done a number on you. I have insecurities about lots of things. I suffer from anxiety and have imposter syndrome but the one things I've never felt insecure about is my relationship with DH. I've felt insecure in previous relationships for good reason however. This is all on him, trust me. You're young, you deserve better than this, don't waste your life on this man.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 24/05/2023 09:14

I think if they wanted to be together they would be, but none of us can tell you whether or not he and his ex still have a thing. The nudes thing is creepy, worse for her though because you have seen them, and this tells me he isn’t particularly respectful person. Apart from that you seem very insecure and it's obviously filtering through to his family. You have to decide whether or not you trust him and go whether the decision takes you, because where you are at now certainly isn't healthy for any of you.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 24/05/2023 09:16

*go where ever the decision takes you, not whether. Ie if you trust him stay, but drop the accusations, if you don't then leave.

Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 24/05/2023 09:20

Thank you everyone, i agree the nudes thing was strange hes not a sentimental person and they were in amongst things hed had in a lock up but i was bothered that hed kept them i found no other normal pics of her just these that hed seperated from the other normal pics of general stuff. He said he didnt keep them for a reason that he was honest and knew they were in amongst his stuff sonewhere but didnt know where. When i was upset and found them he went mad and said im a nosy c.u.nt and was laughing in the street waving them about saying i was ridiculous then he ripped them up.

OP posts:
Original poster
dontworrybhappy · 24/05/2023 09:23

Also his daughter as offered to babysit I hsve no family but for some reason it pains him to ask her he says why should she be the first choice ask someone else. So we never go out asi dont like to asl friends as they have their own children.I would never ever put on her she babysat once in 4 years for a few hours and he paid he about 40 quid. I have asked whst he gets out of being with me if he doesnt want to make plans or do anything he says you plan something ill be there. He also says hes not here for the fun of it so he must love me

OP posts: