Feeding the pet again!

[dontworrybhappy]

Hi, been with partner for 4 years.He has a 19 year old.daughter. Hes been secretive about commu ication hes had with his ex before as iv been insecure in the past.(found naked photos of her from when theu were younger that hed kept in a lock up somewhere not looked at regular but he knew they were in their as he told me they may be in one of his boxes ) other things have made me insecure as I found out before he met me( about 10 years ago now) they had got back together (5 years after splitting up) and that they used to spend time together when both single doing family.things.
Mil has tried to split us up and she coerced his daughter into making up lies about me saying i wasnt making her feel welcome at our home which destroyed me. He just let everyone say all these things and pandered to them ,excluding me and my children at the request of his daughter and mother, we wernt allowed round to his mums house anymore and he had to take.his daughter out alone or take her to his Mums alone for contact as she said she didnt feel comfortable with me and my kids.
I found out he had secret calls to the ex about the situation never telling me never setting any of them straight or pulling his daughter up about it.
Iv been blamed by his mother that my bf doesnt talk much to the ex anymore. Thats not my doing, bf does exactly as he wants. I used to sit.in the car and cry when he used to drop his daughter off as ex wud stand at door in her nightie chatting telling him all her business.

Now his daughter is older he doesmt need to communicate as much with the ex he says, but shes a chatterbox so if she is on the doorstep she will chat i cant do anything about that. She has occassionally.asked for favours from him and he has done the odd thing i didnt agree with like warning her off someone she was seeing as he heard the man was into drugs(he says he did it for his daughters sake)

He likes to reiterate sometimes too much that he isnt interested in her and what she does a bit like "one doth protest too much" but nothing is going on i know that.

Everything is ok now with dsd as i sorted it out myself and swallowed my pride, she never apologised for the lies and i unfortunatly dont make the effort i used to do because she hurt me (e.g i let my bf buy her birthday card n presents alone now)

shes pleasant when she comes but dictates alot of what happens at the weekend as she never lets us know if shes coming or not so we will hang about all day or bf will drop everything to fetch her from work at last minute even if we are out. Shes also v v quiet unless.i do all the convo her and her dad hardly speak either its all a bit awkward! Shes makes.no effort with my children everything seems forced. Doesnt even wish any of my kids a happy.birthday. MIL still doesnt have anything to do with me, and bf doesnt try to sort this or pull her up about it.

I dont really know what the point of this is only to say everthing just builds up , and to top it off she dropped the house keys round last minute on the day they went abroad for my bf to go in their house and feed the f pet. Something he has always done for his ex.( he says she has no one else to do it and why wouldnt he as he sees its for his daughter) Im probably.just very very insecure and looking for some advice please xx thank you everyone

Hi livinghappy :) i knownwhat you mean ive never ever been so insecure or feel like its torture in my head before with a man. I think its because hes quite a closed book, so for e.g if i say ooh ive seen bbymum at the school we had a chat he says not interested. Its like he protests too much. She startd going out with a dodgy lad once and i said to my bf thats not good are you goon to say anything.he went all odd and shut me down and said non of my business. I later fpund out from her otherwise! She told me my bf was pleased when she got rid of this lad as he had warned her abput him(behind my back) but why so secretive?? Its like he keeps silly secrets which makes it look suss! When its not suss :(

I mean she's offered! He's a right sort OP just leave him already

You're not over thinking, you're under thinking.

he's a twat.you're only 37. Get out, work on your self esteem, get therapy & in time, if you still even want to, find yourself a decent bloke

Dya think?! I am a digger and do read.into everything, like.the situation over the lies they told when he had to see daughter outside of our home away from me and my kids, he said at the time it doesnt need to affect us.He thinks i make big deals of things.He says his mum being funny with me is her problem and that again shes missing out and it doesnt need to affect us. I probably do a little x

When all that was going on where his daughter and the mil made up that i was making daughter feel unwelcome etc my bf said you cant say its not true as in her mind its true.Even thought he knew i had always bent over backwards to make her feel welcome. She even tried saying my son who was 10 at the time had upset her (she was17) he laughed at her work i.d card picture. Again she got defended and i actually told my son off. Which i regret. The only time he stuck up for me was when mil tried to get them to go out for a meal without us and he said no its not right im with her(meaning me) other than that he still goes to visit his mum alone or with daughter abd says i cant expect him to fall out with her which i dont want anyway.

Its so wierd, the behaviour, she offererd off her own back! Its like shes too precious ,but hes making it like that. Even my kids roll their eyes about things! She doesnt even put an empty cup or plate in the sink she gets fully waited on while.here yet shes like the mother at home to all her siblings, He panics about what were having for tea when she decides to answer his calls and come over, ! She leaves us in limbo most weekends as doesnt reply to him asking if shes coming here or not.but he lets her do it!

So he and his ex share a daughter, which means as caring parents they occasionally meet, speak and have an adult, normal friendly relationship. They've maintained it for a very long time since breaking up; which suggests he's a dedicated, tolerant, trustworthy reliable person even in adverse circumstances. Those are not small achievements. They are great qualities.

You should appreciate a man who behaves like a civilised responsible father , because that bodes well for the future of your younger children, and yourself.

Maybe you should take a leaf from their book and try to be more generous and considerate.

Its the lies about it though it makes him look suss,deleting her number theminute she messages and saying he hasnt even got her number, and the pet surely someone else could feed it. i appreciate what you have replied but my problem is i was too generous and kind with her and it stabbed me in the back , its a hard one

@2bazookas So a man who laughs at the OP and rips up nude photos of his ex in the street where neighbours could easily hear is a catch? Raise your bar

Hey OP, I can only recommend you look at and reassess your own boundaries. There is such a thing as being friendly, and then being hung up. I agree if he would have wanted to be with his ex he would have done by now so I can only assume he is enjoying the attention from two women. The nudes scenario is absolutely unacceptable. I'd dread to think what he'd say if he found your ex's dick pics on your phone. It's not nice or respectful is it. The mocking you about it and calling you insecure however is worse. Personally that would be overstepping many many boundaries and be the end of the relationship because at this point, what's he adding to your life? You sound unhappy. You deserve to he happy.

Thank you i dont understand the pictures either he had obviously carted them around with him for 15 years instead of getting rid. It does bother me.When i asked once if he would ever get back again with her he said no she has a boyfriend(shes had several since and is now single.again ) when i askd why theu got back together after 5 years the last time he said coz we were both single . It just unsettles me. Im either paranoid or have some gut feeling. Xx

Why did you put up with all that bullshit? Your partner is supposed to have your back and you KNOW he doesn't. Why are you still there? Is this all you think you are worth?

It is stupid bitni feel inadequete, he says he doesnt want any children with me as hes done his fathering duties now, he used to tell me "one day" He doesnt appear to want to propose he says "one day" She has a size 6 figure and giant boobs! She looks like a barbie doll, she likes to giggle and chit chat to him and has completely blanked me while hes been giggling along with her. She once said to him in front of me "you always go out with women whos kids look like you" Shes an air head . We used to talk but i cant be bothered with her anymore because she always told me something i didnt want to hear. Like he buys good presents he always did for me and said he was happy when she split up with this dodgy bloke. (After he told me it was non of his business)

sack him off, it's too much drama and you don't like his family, and he is too enmeshed with his ex.

All that with his DD is bollocks - make plans and let him follow when she decides when/if she wants to see him. You're better off without any of them in your life.

He says he did have my back and knew i hadnt done any nasty shit to her but he said im not falling out with anyone over it he said at the time il just take her out alone so she doesnt have to come to the house.He said her feelings were valied if she was saying she felt uncomfortable because of me. Like alot of men he didnt hav a backbone and he says he knows whst his mother is like but hes not falling out with her.he says do u expect me to not see my Mum. Which isnt what i would want, he says putting her in her place wouldnt change anything. I have told him that if they pull this on me again and you dont pull them up were done. X

I cant win with his mum. Now apparently because he goes to see her less often (we used to all go for sunday dinner) she says i am loving it. She caused it. Yet again he hasnt really told her off just let her say it. She sends my kids birthday presents which is so 2 faced as were not even welcome their we dont even speak i dont understand people !

Look, this will never stop. This is no life. I will ask again, do you think this is all you are worth? I don't know you and I know you are too good for this shit. You will never ever be happy and content with this man. His daughter and family are not going anywhere.

His answer to this should have been "of course not, you're the only woman I want". Not "no because she has a boyfriend". If he truly loved you her relationship status wouldn't matter.

I don't think you're just paranoid. He's definitely still hung up on her. Even if he'd never get back with her he obviously still has some feelings there. I couldn't live like that.

Stop blaming the ex and the MIL. He is the problem here, you obviously just don't want to admit that. Why does it matter what the ex looks like or whether she's an air head or not? She obviously gets a buzz out of winding you up. Maybe she's one of those types that doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him or just wants to stay relevant in his life. It shouldn't matter how she behaves because you're not with her, you're with him. It's his responsibility to have your back, to make you feel loved and secure. He can say he has your back all he wants but actions speak louder than words and he definitely doesn't act like he has your back at all. And all this "one day" nonsense is just classic palming you off. He's stringing you along until someone else comes along.

I ask again, what exactly are you getting from this relationship? What are the positives?

Thank you i just feel no peace in my head. Even thought hes not a bad boyfriend he doesnt drink cheat gamble or waste money or act selfish , x

Wow! You need to set your bar higher than that. He is a terrible boyfriend. Plenty of men don't drink, gamble or cheat. That's a slight step up from "he doesn't hit me". And I would say he is selfish. He certainly doesn't put your needs before his does he?

What does he do that makes him a good boyfriend? What has he got that other men don't?

He doesn't cheat... if the ex is currently in a relationship, wait until she is single again. He'll be back to her quicker than a lightning bolt, and tbh he sounds like a complete selfish prick. Get out and be happy. This full situation gives me the creeps.

Ffs you sat and cried in the car while she spoke to him at the door with a little nightie on. Open your eyes. You deserve so much more than what you're settling for with this shit.

Out of all the red flags to focus on the pet seems the least of your concerns.

But I get it the straw that broke the camels back.

Although op this sounds like a whole giant feelings mess. Run op run like the bloody wind. This dynamic is unlikely to change. So apply the 5 rule, how long if nothing changes can you stand this shit.

5mins, 5 days, 5 months or 5 years. Personally though just reading that makes me want to start singing run baby run !

Thank you everyone , we do get on and have good times, but hes just cone in from work and gone straight to feed the pet now and im shaking and sweating im daft really🤣 , we cant go away to the seaside with my kids like id mentioned now in half term for more than 1 night because of the pet.🙄 No one bothered to ask that it was just presumed hed do it day before it got dropped on him x