Do you invite the SC?

[huntersmum1]

I am married to a man with 3 children from a previous marriage, we have 1 together who is just a baby.
My good female friend who I've known since school has invited me my husband and our baby to a garden party this Sunday, he has his children every Sunday. Sometimes I like an excuse to escape the Disney dad show my DH puts on but on the whole having the DSC around doesn't bother me.
My friend has not extended the invite to the DSC, frankly because it wouldn't have crossed her mind, I don't treat them like my own and we arnt a 'blended family' or at least not the ideal ones I read about.
I'm in a dilemma should I ask my friend if the DSC could come as if not husband can't, or does that put her in an awkward position, three extra mouths to feed? (There is at least one other baby attending, my DSC are 7 9 and 11)
Or do I just say to DH he can't come as the offer has not been extended for them.
Or do I ask him to swap days and have them on the Saturday instead.

I see this post is going the usual way of stepmum bashing.

I'd just go without him if I were you OP - you'll have a better time if you don't have to worry about extra kids being there.

This. Don't ask. Let her offer if she wants.

There are instances when I would expect my needs to be put before my own child’s. Don’t be such an utterly ridiculous martyr.

I quite often do things without my step children, just with my child. They need to have a relationship and spend time with their dad, they do not need me and my child to be present for every moment. I have a life of my own that didn’t cease the second I met them.

Personally I wouldn’t go unless all my kids were invited on a day we were supposed to have them all and apologise saying sorry can’t make it we have all the kids.

I wouldn't be sacrificing my own social life for this. I have friends separately from my relationship with my DSS and that isn't going to change, I've sacrificed enough already.

Completely agree, plus all one of OP's children is invited.

And of course, depending how old the baby is... you could go to the party alone.
He has 4 children!

I have four kids I don’t feel like it’s a holiday either. I don’t do abroad. I do nice hotels in the UK with good kids clubs/ stuff for the dc to do. Crieff hydro, brilliant kids club, lovely little cinema or aviemore where kids learnt to ski.

If I’m paying for it, I want to enjoy it too. Somewhere where there is flexibility for the children to have choices so they aren’t “bored” If I want an endurance exercise we go wild camping for free.

Personally I wouldn’t go unless all my kids were invited on a day we were supposed to have them all and apologise saying sorry can’t make it we have all the kids.

I don’t see why OP should have to pass on fun things that she wants to go to just because she has stepchildren who aren’t invited. The children can always stay at home with their dad. No need for her to be a martyr and miss out on things for no reason.

@Irritateandunreasonable almost a full house of step mum bashing bingo - well done!

I'm a stepkid. It's fine not to be invited to everything at their ages, but I sense a bigger issue here. Feeling like you only 'belong' to one of the parents in a couple can be very damaging for children's self-esteem and impact their adult lives. That comment isn't directed at the op, it's more to some of the other posters who seem ok about sidelining step children.

I agree with the PP who said it will just be me and baby - DH has DSC here. And see what your friend says.

It's often sometimes that people just need a reminder that you have other children. Or if your friend is close enough can you not just say - is that just me and baby or can I bring DH and DSC?

They do only belong to one of the partners in this couple though. It's not a secret.

@marshmallowmatcha
I don't have other children, my husband does.

I would just go with your baby. It’s not fair to turn your friends party into a kids party.

Why did you have a child with him of you know he’s a Disney dad?

Applaud that ! 100%

This is the problem with having an every weekend day - every other weekends work better for all I would say.

You really do not like your step kids reading your posts. Your husband has 4 children, not one, you really should be treating them like they are your own, after all he was a father way before he met you.

No. OP shouldn’t treat them like they’re her own. They’re not.
The df has his dc and now OP obviously treats them kindly and fairly when they are with their df.
That is the extent of her commitment as far as she’s concerned. And that’s fine.

Yes sorry I meant you as in the couple. You were both invited if I got that right? I find that even with the best will in the world sometimes my family forget we might have the stepchildren on a weekend they are doing something.

I don't think this is correct. If I treated my stepchildren "like my own" I think they would feel very uncomfortable and also their mum wouldn't be happy. I can't rock up at parents evening at school or take them for a haircut etc. It's not my place. They aren't my own children, and that is ok. We have a unique and special relationship that should be appreciated for what it is.

@Dedodee fine for who? Op, or the children? I had step parents who took op’s approach. Suffice to say now I’m a step parent myself, I do not behave like that.

What is the point of saying that? Her baby is already here and should be cherished.

Both. The stepchildren may not want a 3rd parent

Surely you knew you ‘belonged’ to your two parents - regardless that they weren’t together.

giving children the message that all adults in their lives should treat them ‘like their own’ is more likely to cause self esteem issues. It’s setting unreasonable expectations that cannot be met.

And, as usual, it’s the stepparents who get the blame in this. When presumably the actual problem was that your parents separated and then failed to make you feel secure and wanted. It’s easier to shift the blame to stepparents than to confront the problem with your parent(s).

The logic here doesn’t follow. She knew he was a father. So that means she knew her life would be impacted by that in various ways. It doesn’t somehow mean she must act like she’s their mother.

They have two parents.