Do you invite the SC?

[huntersmum1]

I am married to a man with 3 children from a previous marriage, we have 1 together who is just a baby.
My good female friend who I've known since school has invited me my husband and our baby to a garden party this Sunday, he has his children every Sunday. Sometimes I like an excuse to escape the Disney dad show my DH puts on but on the whole having the DSC around doesn't bother me.
My friend has not extended the invite to the DSC, frankly because it wouldn't have crossed her mind, I don't treat them like my own and we arnt a 'blended family' or at least not the ideal ones I read about.
I'm in a dilemma should I ask my friend if the DSC could come as if not husband can't, or does that put her in an awkward position, three extra mouths to feed? (There is at least one other baby attending, my DSC are 7 9 and 11)
Or do I just say to DH he can't come as the offer has not been extended for them.
Or do I ask him to swap days and have them on the Saturday instead.

Is your husband arsed about going? If he isn't then just go without him 🤷‍♀️ obviously he can't not have his children so that he can go to a garden party but there's nothing stopping you going by yourself if you'd prefer that.

Or you can just send your friend a message saying 'me and baby will be there but DH has DSC that day' and see what she says. If she wants to extend the invite she will then, if not then you know and can go alone.

Yes agree with @WatermelonFelon - you can take your cue from your friend's response.

@WatermelonFelon
Yes that's a great idea, I'll ask him first if he's arsed, the weather is to be nice so I think he would like to, I can just word it in a way that my friend can get out of it if she really wants.
If she's anything like me she won't want it turning into a kids party. Three children and a baby is a big ask

You message her and say "DSC are with us that day. Is it ok to bring them or I can come solo or with baby. Let me know what works for you."
You can't ask their DM to change childcare days because you have a garden party invite.
But honestly how on earth does this work for holidays and so forth. Your DH is a DF to 4 DC, not just one.

@rookiemere holidays abroad? We have never actually had one altogether, my DH and I went on a honeymoon and that's it!

Am I bad for thinking a holiday wouldn't be a holiday if the DSC all came, I don't think I'd enjoy it. DM frequently changes days herself so that really wouldn't be a problem, they are very loose with arrangements

I don't get what relevance OPs holidays have though? This is about an invite from someone else. It's not her garden party. It's not the same as a holiday she and her husband are taking.

OP I wouldn't outright ask her if they can come, that might make her feel like she needs to say yes. Just make a statement 'I will be there with baby but DH has DSC that day'. That leaves it to her to say 'oh he can bring them too' or 'okay great see you and baby there!'

Holidays with multiple children often don't feel very 'holiday' like 😀

If it's easy to change the days with the DM, then just do that.

If it's easy to change days I'd do that, if not I'd just go without DH. I'd rather not take DSS in your shoes, tbh.

If there aren't going to be other children their ages at the garden party the SC will be bored. I'd leave them with their father for the afternoon.

Ask him what he wants to do but it sounds as if it would be fairly dull for the DSC (unless there are lots of kids their age) so maybe it would be better for them to do something more interesting with their dad.

If husband wants to go just change the day he has the kids. The kids won’t want to go to the garden party and your host probably doesn’t want then there either but may be to polite to say so (i’d say yes but secretly wouldn’t want them there). I’d have hated such rigid set days for my kids with my ex husband. We’ve always been flexible and had give and take, best way all round.

I agree with PP on wording, don't ask her if they can come, assume they're not and she can have the opportunity to invite.

My worst nightmare is a party with kids of that age being there. They take over, scream and shout. If I was you I'd take the baby and leave him at home to Disney Dad with his kids.

Dear god don't get into the habit of messing his kids around with visiting days due to social events. He sees his kids Sunday. They either come with or you go alone.

Yeah that’s bad re the holiday.

Just ask if he wants to come Sunday I guess and if he does he needs to change his days.

Personally I wouldn’t go unless all my kids were invited on a day we were supposed to have them all and apologise saying sorry can’t make it we have all the kids.

I don't think it's bad re the holiday. A holiday with multiple kids of varying ages isn't really a holiday for the adults is it. Parents do it because they get something out of seeing their children enjoy themselves on holiday but I can't say I'd be leaping for joy at the prospect of going on holiday with a load of kids, 3/4 of whom weren't my own.

That’s the most sensible suggestion re this specific scenario.

Not all step parents view their step children as “their” children, and that is ok.

I also agree that it’s better not to ask your friend but just txt her that it’s you and baby as DH is busy with older kids.
What do you prefer?
Could it be that you’d ask DH and he would say yes without thinking what’s better for kids? And then at the party he would just enjoy himself and wouldn’t entertain them/ look after them / parent them etc etc
Maybe, just maybe, going just you and baby is better for everyone and especially for older kids as it will give them chance to do something meaningful with their Dad.

Can’t you go with your baby and allow DSC to have some quality time with their dad? The weathers lovely at the moment. I’m sure they’d rather be at the beach than stuck in a strangers garden with a load of adults tbh

Yes

If your oh wants to go then either swap days or tell her oh won’t be going as he has the kids, and see if she invites them. If she wouldn’t want it turning into a kids party then I wouldn’t try to get them invited tbh for their sake as well as hers. You could leave all 4 with their dad and go alone.

I do understand that but he has four kids - it’s I’m moral to go on a ‘family’ holiday with just one of them imo. When you get with a man with kids it becomes less about what you want and more about his kids.

Well actually, no, it’s not really.

You don’t have to see them as ‘your’ kids but you do have to understand they are his kids and you should never expect your needs to be put before theirs.

If you don’t like that there are millions of men out there who do not have children for you to compete with.