9years since I last lived with a man - still worried I'm not ready

[houseandgardenias]

DP and I have been together for 4 years. We have similarly aged children (10-14) and we are now planning to live together.

Firstly DP is absolutely wonderful- he is so much more amazing than anyone I ever dreamed about meeting. I'm pretty sure our relationship will stay rock solid whatever happens.

We've talked loosely about living together for a long time, but with 4 children at 4 different schools it didn't look likely in the short term.

We've now got the chance to move in together in time for the new school year in September.

I'm having massively cold feet about it, and I'm really close to cancelling the whole thing.

I don't want to self sabotage. DP is amazing and so supportive. The thought of living as a happy family is something I've dreamed about. Our kids get on great and really like each other. My kids like DP and his kids like me. We parent the same way and have the same values. It couldn't be better really.

I have lived as a single mum for 9 years, and I'm used to feeling lonely a lot of the time. I now have the opportunity for a wonderful family life and loving support.

The move would involve DP and his 2 dc moving into my house.

I was planning a big talk with him about his older son with ADHD about how we manage that to reduce the impact on the rest of us. Then had a bit of a worry that I don't think this boy will ever move out - and I'll be living with him in my home for ever.

I then started emailing my lawyer about a legal agreement, and had to slam shut the computer. Having had so many legal agreements and court orders with my ex - I cannot bear to involve lawyers again in my private life.

In a way if we were getting married I wouldn't think twice about all of this - apart from the fact that I can't bear the thought of having a legal agreement (in this case marriage) ruling my life.

I know it sounds like I have a lot of issues- I just want to weigh up not cutting myself off from happiness unnecessarily versus keeping my space and my children safe.

What do you think?

[billy1966]

OP, don't do it.

Don't do it.

Your children are happy in their home, life is good.

There is no way this is not going to be the hardest thing ever.

The difference in mess, laundry, cooking, shopping for 3 and 6 is huge.

Why would you do this to your children at this point in their lives.

I'm going to try and find the unbelievable thread I read on here recently about the total shitshow blending is.

You need to read every bit of it.

The overwhelming majority of women regret it, many separate, most advise others to never do it.

Too hard.

The simple logistics of running the house will be relentless for YOU to coordinate.

You will never have a moments peace.

Big difference between children getting on with each other and living together.

Huge difference.

[billy1966]

"Moving from blended living together to apart" is a thread you need to read.

Its by @practicalcat and is over several years.

It is a truly brilliant read about how hard the reality is.

It is further down the index on step parenting.

I can't link it.

[MsPussinBoots]

Hi OP, I've been a single mum of 1 for 9 years and am thinking about letting a childless (wonderful) man move in with us. I'm terrified about the change so completely understand where you're coming from.

No advice just trust your gut and good luck.

[houseandgardenias]

Ah ok thank you - but surely there must be some benefits of living with a loving supportive partner- it can't really be that you're better off alone no matter what can it?

[houseandgardenias]

Thanks @MsPussinBoots yes my gut is having a big flare up right now- even though I've been working towards this for a long time

[MithrilCostsMore]

I moved back in with my childrens father after eight years single. 18 months in and there are still times I wish I hadn't. And that's without blending families!

[houseandgardenias]

Thanks @billy1966 I'm reading through that thread now- very eye opening!!

[TomatoSandwiches]

I agree with @billy1966 this is not a move I would consider at all until the children are much much older.

[Laurdo]

Reading about blended families on MN the main issues seem to be the man leaving all the housework and childcare to the woman and difference in parenting styles, mainly Disney dadding.

You've been together long enough to see how this man parents and manages his household. I'd say if you have similar values and parenting styles and he's successfully managed to run his current home on his own then problems should be minimal. If however is current home is chaos, piles of laundry, mess everywhere etc then I'd worry about that extra workload landing at your feet.

You may have double the kids, double the laundry but as long as he's willing to take on his share of the load then you'll also have double the hands to manage it all.

I think before you move in you need to establish rules and boundaries. For example, will you be allowed to discipline each others kids, are you both going to muck in together with the household tasks or will you take care of laundry etc for your own kids.

Yes there are some blended family horror stories on here and to be fair people don't tend to post when things are going well so it can seem a bit negative and one sided. There are also plenty of blended families that do work well. I was a single childless woman 2.5 years ago and I've been living with my now DH and his 3 kids for nearly 2 years now. Best decision I ever made. Like you, I was very lonely living on my own and when I met DH I honestly couldn't bear to live apart. Communication is the key. It took a while to get used to a different way of living but as long as you both communicate well and are willing to listen to each other and compromise things will be easier. Good luck.

[billy1966]

@houseandgardenias

Thanks @billy1966 I'm reading through that thread now- very eye opening!!

I really think that is probably one of the best reads ever on MN.

So raw and so real.

It is on women to make it work.

The mental load is enormous and will be on you, in YOUR house.

How would the bedrooms work?

Would they share?

Total disaster if so.

Teens love to have friends over.

Would your children be able to do that?

If they aren't happy at home, it will bring you a level of stress that you can't even imagine.

They WILL blame YOU for it not working, make no mistake about that.

They will view it, that you blew up their happy home.

Listen to your gut carefully.

It is desperately trying to warn you and protect you from a disaster.

That thread will hopefully help.

Note how the men all BLAME the women for the issues that arise in the blending too.

[LividHouse]

No.

Can’t see any real advantages to you and your family in this.

Wait until ALL the kids have left home and then reconsider.

[billy1966]

@Laurdo that isn't blended living.

You joined a family.

Totally different scenario.

Two lots of children being forced upon each other is invariably a shit show.

The family that lived in the house originally are displaced and imposed upon, sharing their space and feeling their house is packed, noisy, and if the kids that join them are older, often feel bossed about in their own home.

Awful.

The children that are moving in, miss their old home and space, and are invariably pissed off that this move has been imposed on them by their parent and they had no say.

Awful.

If they have to share bedrooms its the very worst of the worst and IMO completely selfish and unreasonable of the parents to inflict such a violation of their privacy.

It ruins childhoods and leads to massive resentment, acting out and deep unhappiness from the children.

It is not in their best interests innthe vast majority of cases.

Added to this one child has SEN and may need special accommodating and understanding as they adjust to a new environment.

Is that really fair on the children who live in the house to have to do this accommodating?

[Freefall212]

You also need to think about finances. Are you both going to just keep supporting yourselves and your own children? What will be joint? How will that work? Finances create so much stress and especially if your incomes aren't equal, it can be a minefield.

What expectations do you have regarding the other person when it comes to your kids in the home - he and his kids are moving into your house. Does this mean kids who had their own rooms now have to share? Does this mean they have to fit into your routines and expectations? Do some of the kids spend time out of the home with another parent? If so, what do you do when it is only some of the kids vs all of the kids there. Does it imbalance how much time kids spend with the step parent vs their own parent?

Your kids all like each other when they hang out, that is completely different from liking each other when you all live together and have to deal with all the realities of people's quirks and personalities and annoyances.

Can you do a trial run where they keep their housing but live with you for 3 months to get a feel for it?

[Hubblebubble]

What's wrong with continuing as you are until the kids have grown up and left home?

[houseandgardenias]

I can't really do a trial run because of the massive change of schools.

They will get their own room but space in the house will obviously be compromised.

I'm probably veering off the idea now.

Surely there are some good examples?

We did feel quite lonely a lot, and it's nice to have the house full and a busy atmosphere.

DD loves family mealtimes with all of us together. DS loves having lots of fun with my partners children and considers them good friends.

DPs kids are really positive about moving in, although we haven't explicitly said when it will happen.

DP is amazing and supportive so housework laundry and meals would be mainly on him, as he works from home and I don't.

The big concern in my eyes is his son with adhd as that will change the feel of the house. He would be living with us full time.

I love the idea of a happy family, and having someone at home who has my back. I feel I could just say no to everything due to fear etc, but I'm denying myself the chance of living a full life.

Eg coming home from work to a dark and empty house, scrabbling around to make tea for the children (my life for last 9 years) compared to coming home to a warm and loving house, tea on the table, and someone who loves me and cares about my day.

Surely there are some positives about living together?

[Boomboom22]

Do it op. You love him, all the kids are happy, he cooks and cleans whilst at home. But do get a legal agreement just in case.

[houseandgardenias]

Well continuing as we are until children have left home is plan B @Hubblebubble .

But I wondered if I'd be completely denying myself the chance to live in a warm and loving household- and would by that point have lived alone for approximately 20 years.

Is that just pushing my life away, not wanting to get started until years to come?

It would be nice to experience life now with DP, and feel we were going through life together with joint goals and plans for our future.

[houseandgardenias]

@Boomboom22

Do it op. You love him, all the kids are happy, he cooks and cleans whilst at home. But do get a legal agreement just in case.

Thanks @Boomboom22 it's good to hear some balance rather than it's all negative.

I think we'll need to talk through everything really frankly, and I would definitely do a legal agreement

[lunar1]

I grew up in a blended family, it's not something I would ever put my children through from my side.

To be honest, even your first post just shows how divisive this is.

You talk about the affects living with a child with ADHD will have on you and yours.

But he is the one that will have to move home, move school area by the sound of it. But you aren't questioning how he will cope with this, having to fit in with your home and your children.

Your partner will though, and you will both look from your own perspective.

Just because your children see each other as good friends doesn't mean they want to live together.

Do you even have space for 4 children? Or will some be sharing?

[Noicant]

Your kids probably love it because it’s not all the time, it’s different when everyone can retreat back to their own homes. It’s easier to bite a lip of make extra effort to be understanding.

I would try to schedule in more time together, family meals etc but stay separate until the kids have moved out.

[TomatoSandwiches]

@billy1966 do you have a link for that post you mentioned, I cannot find it on advanced search at all.
Tia.

[SquidwardBound]

I think this might be the thread @billy1966 is talking about: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4081832-Move-from-blended-living-to-living-apart-together

[SquidwardBound]

your gut seems to - quite literally - be telling you there’s a problem here.

Similarly, you can’t face looking into legal protection for yourself.

This is not how moving in together should feel.

[billy1966]

Thank you @SquidwardBound you technically wizard you😁.🙏

Great thread.

Should be a classic IMO.

[TomatoSandwiches]

@SquidwardBound

I think this might be the thread @billy1966 is talking about: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4081832-Move-from-blended-living-to-living-apart-together

Thank you 💐