9years since I last lived with a man - still worried I'm not ready

[houseandgardenias]

DP and I have been together for 4 years. We have similarly aged children (10-14) and we are now planning to live together.

Firstly DP is absolutely wonderful- he is so much more amazing than anyone I ever dreamed about meeting. I'm pretty sure our relationship will stay rock solid whatever happens.

We've talked loosely about living together for a long time, but with 4 children at 4 different schools it didn't look likely in the short term.

We've now got the chance to move in together in time for the new school year in September.

I'm having massively cold feet about it, and I'm really close to cancelling the whole thing.

I don't want to self sabotage. DP is amazing and so supportive. The thought of living as a happy family is something I've dreamed about. Our kids get on great and really like each other. My kids like DP and his kids like me. We parent the same way and have the same values. It couldn't be better really.

I have lived as a single mum for 9 years, and I'm used to feeling lonely a lot of the time. I now have the opportunity for a wonderful family life and loving support.

The move would involve DP and his 2 dc moving into my house.

I was planning a big talk with him about his older son with ADHD about how we manage that to reduce the impact on the rest of us. Then had a bit of a worry that I don't think this boy will ever move out - and I'll be living with him in my home for ever.

I then started emailing my lawyer about a legal agreement, and had to slam shut the computer. Having had so many legal agreements and court orders with my ex - I cannot bear to involve lawyers again in my private life.

In a way if we were getting married I wouldn't think twice about all of this - apart from the fact that I can't bear the thought of having a legal agreement (in this case marriage) ruling my life.

I know it sounds like I have a lot of issues- I just want to weigh up not cutting myself off from happiness unnecessarily versus keeping my space and my children safe.

What do you think?

I love my husband and he's definitely at the top end of the spectrum when it comes to pulling his weight but do I also love it when his son goes home to his mum's? Yes. Do I yearn for the days when I had my house to myself? Yes. Do I wish we'd waited till all the kids had left home? Yes.

And we only have one at home and with us part time. But the other SS is making noises about coming back at the age of 22. I am resisting. I'm getting too old and tired for this shit and my child has left permanently.

OP, consider them moving in for the summer holidays and see how you feel.

Of course it won't be real life, but it will give you taste of it.

Winter, all packed into a house IS very different.

Don't commit to anything this September, but a solid 6 weeks should give you a taste.

Do you know what is a LOT worse than loneliness?

Being packed into a house, your children stressed and unhappy, you regretful and wondering how the hell you are going to have the conversation that you cannot do this anymore and want them gone and your house and peace back.

@houseandgardenias why isn't your home warm and loving as it is? Surely you and your children love each other? You could get your kids to muck in with making tea, rather than doing it all alone. Its a nice time to chat and it's a valuable life skill, knowing how to cook. My toddler helps me by chopping stuff with his kid safe knives. If you mean actual warmth,n you can set a timer on your boiler in the winter, so your house warms up 10 mins before you arrive home.

It's ultimately your choice, ofcourse. Just that my advice (random on the Internet that I am) would be to take joy in your current set up.

It's not the same as coming home, having someone wrap their arms around you and ask how your day was. Having someone say "you put your feet up, I've got dinner sorted". Yes you can do certain things with your kids and chat to them but it's never going to be the same as having another adult there. You can't really offload to your kids and you can't expect kids to be present for you. Then the kids go to bed and you're left alone to find something to watch by yourself on TV.

@Laurdo ofcourse the kids absolutely shouldn't be expected to be emotional support. That's what friends, family and partners (who don't have to live in) are for. OP can always pick up the phone and call her partner for a grown up chat. Or a video call.
But evenings on your own as a single parent don't have to consist of a lonely watch of the TV. Surely there's housework, gardening (it's light for so long now) youtube yoga or HIIT, having friends round, painting, reading, batch cooking/meal prep, nice long baths...

Blending just sounds like such a nightmare in the OPs situation, I thought better advice might be changing her mindset around her current set up.

a bit of a worry that I don't think this boy will ever move out - and I'll be living with him in my home for ever.

Just for this I wouldn't be doing it personally. I have two friends - one single, one widowed - who have a kid each that will never be able to live independently.
Subsequently they have no personal freedom to do anything away from their kids.

It's just not the same. Sometimes you just need a hug or some company. Phonecalls and hobbies are fine but they don't fill that empty space.

@Laurdo I'm a single mum, for full disclosure. I don't have that empty space your talking about, we're all different. OP has a relationship and sees her partner in person. They have for want of a better word, sleepovers? Mini breaks? At each others houses. So she's already getting her romantic relationship/ in person adult conversation in.

I don't know, it just sounds like a pretty peachy set up as is.

Do you currently have 'sleepovers' where everyone is in the house together?

If not, have some long weekends/ school holiday days living together as a taster.

Managing ADHD from a distance and living with are completely different and this could impact you and your kids massively (I expect dp and his other kid are used to it). However that's not to brand adhd child as it could all be managed well.

OP - do it.
I did 12 yrs of single parenting met a lovely man after 8 years and took it slowly, v slowly. He moved in with his 3 DCs after 3 years.

Honestly, the first 6 months were hard. Not the DCs- they have gotten on incredibly well and probably pulled me through some dark spots.
Yes I have screamed at the lot of them about washing, tidying, food etc but we have found an equilibrium that works.
COming home to a cooked meal by DP -the first time was so special and still is - I still smile when it happens ( weekly)
Coming home to my eldest DSD having cooked a meal - priceless ( I have 2 boys)
Coming home to my DSS, corralling my 2 into tidying their rooms and taking them to rugby on a Sunday morning - unbelievable

DP sorting a holiday for all of us and me not doing a single bit of planning - amazing.

Sitting on the sofa, next to people who do care about you and think of you - should not be missed.
Hard work, including middle DSD - whom I have the least relationship with but still developing, watching my sons benefit from girls in their lives -so good.

Take the plunge - mine were the ones with health issues and was amazed at how everyone adjusted once explanations given.

I still pinch myself that it is as good as it is - but boy we have to work at it, it is not easy.

The hardest thing has been sharing a bed - burping and farting in bed are no longer as they had become but I can live with that for all the other benefits!