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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holidays

58 replies

MylittleLovebug · 07/05/2023 18:21

I realise I will get lynched for this and to start by saying I do like my sc and have no issues.

Except we can't afford to go abroad ever as a family of 5. We could afford to go with just me, dh and ds. The thing that frustrates me is the sc go abroad every year for a couple of weeks and we can't go cause dh won't go without them. Which i do understand but I don't want to go without dh.

So i find myself resentful that they have a lovely sunny holiday every year and we can't afford to go anywhere. And I feel bad for ds who is missing out on the experience

Anyone else had the same issue?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lunar1 · 07/05/2023 19:55

Why won't you take your DS on your own. He's entitled to his own childhood, his own experiences and his memories with you.

You can't control your husband's choices, but you can book something lovely to you and your son.

MeetMyCat · 07/05/2023 19:56

greyhairnomore · 07/05/2023 19:52

Why is he ok for your child to miss out but not his other children?

Yes, why?

MelchiorsMistress · 07/05/2023 19:59

It’s on you if your ds missed out because you won’t go without your DH. Your DH chose to put himself in the position he’s in by having a second family so you should t feel guilty on his behalf. He is right that he can’t go on holiday with only one of his children.

If you feel you could afford to go without DHs first children then it’s not that you can’t afford to save, so why can’t you just save for longer and go away with all of you?

MelchiorsMistress · 07/05/2023 20:02

MeetMyCat · 07/05/2023 19:56

Yes, why?

Show quote history

If his other children are going away with their other parent, then it’s not a case of him being ok with it or not. It’s not something he has any control over.

Its not like he’s providing a holiday for some of his children and not others. He is doing the same by all his children by not going on holiday with any of them. Which is as it should be if he can’t afford to take them all. What the Mothers of his children choose to do is up to them.

Snugglemonkey · 07/05/2023 20:21

MylittleLovebug · 07/05/2023 18:57

I'd feel guilty as he's a good man and dad who works hard all year and it wouldn't feel right to go off and leave him home whilst we went to the sunshine.

We couldn't go the 3 of us when they are away as dh won't do it. It's all 3 or none

I would not feel guilty at all in that circumstance.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 07/05/2023 20:26

I have 1 child that I co parent with my ex, we take it in turns to take her abroad, so each year she gets a holiday abroad with one of us. Maybe your dh could do the same

Reasonableadjustments · 07/05/2023 20:32

If you feel you could afford to go without DHs first children then it’s not that you can’t afford to save, so why can’t you just save for longer and go away with all of you?

This is exactly what I meant and don't understand

Bluebellsbells · 07/05/2023 20:44

I sympathise. This year we have spent 7K going away with step kids (family of 6- which was a nightmare to find accommodation for ) for one to refuse to go after they said the would so lost the money on their ticket.

We simply can't afford to do that every year. So next year we have a 4 night hotel theme Park stay arranged for 6 of us and a week's holiday at Easter for 4 of us.

They are going away with their other family abroad this year too- so I absolutely do not feel guilty in not inviting them to ours next year.

They are already going away with other family members so you organise a holiday but make sure you do something uk based with them too.

LorW · 08/05/2023 02:10

OP, you have to put DS first, he deserves those experiences, so go away with a friend or just with DS but please don’t let him miss out just cause he was born after his dads first set of children.

ItsaREDcar · 08/05/2023 07:25

And I feel bad for ds who is missing out on the experience

Sorry but there is no way I'd allow my child to miss out on ever having a holiday because of this. Go without DH if he won't come. I understand you say you'd feel guilty but surely you'd feel more guilty about your son never going away whilst SC to every year?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 08/05/2023 08:21

I'd start to ask him if he feels guilty for your joint dc missing out on holidays. Especially when you hear that your dss is going away with his mum

Chunkychips23 · 08/05/2023 08:31

It can’t always be a case of ‘all or nothing’

As others have said, why should your DC miss out because of DP’s choice? His other kids get to go abroad every year with their Mum, but your DC never gets to go away!

Personally, I’d just take DC away on my own or with a family member or friend. Don’t feel guilty about your DP. He’s not feeling any guilt about your DS missing out.

I totally get why he’d feel that way, but it’s punishing his child with you by trying to be ‘fair’

lookluv · 08/05/2023 09:44

Providing you are using your monies and not his to go abroad go.

He is treating all his DCS the same - none get to go abroad with him. What goes on in the other house is irrelevant. It is what their parent does with them. SO his DS is not missing out because none of his DCS are missing out on holidays with him.

Am not sure some SMs get how damaging it is for some children to see their usually DF go off on fancy holidays usually overseas and not take them but only take the new family.

None of the children in this scenario can say their father treaated them differently.

ItsaREDcar · 08/05/2023 09:50

I don't think it needs to be some great tragedy personally if dad did occasionally holiday without DSC but that being said I do understand that not everyone feels the same and I wouldn't think him a dick for not wanting to.

I would think he was a MASSIVE dick if he also then made you feel bad/guilty for wanting to take DS away alone because he's essentially expecting his child with you to miss out completely on a holiday which his older children do not.

BungleandGeorge · 08/05/2023 10:03

You can get holidays abroad way cheaper than 4.5k. Try a villa plus flights or camping or center parcs or city break. Of if you want a package look at self catering. Or go in October half term and you’ll get a week in a really good all inc for less than that. If you book early there are often free child places then as well

Yousee · 08/05/2023 10:39

How good a dad is he really if he doesn't see the problem with his youngest child never getting something wonderful that his other children get every single year?
He's not got a nuclear family anymore. His children lead partially separate lives. Not sure why the youngest must pay the price for this. All this talk of going away without him - why should your child not benefit from having parents who are together? That's his reality. It's almost as if any benefit he may have must be taken away from him or it's not fair on his siblings.
Anyway, I'd not be pissing away my child's childhood on this man's misplaced guilt. Not a chance. Go without him. If he wants to pretend he's split from the mother's of all of his children then let him.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 08/05/2023 10:41

Is he that great a man to think only 2 of his dc should have a sunny holiday?

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 08/05/2023 10:47

We were in similar situation when our DD and DSC were younger. We did a combination of holidays together and apart, some in UK, some abroad. They went on holiday with their mum, school trips etc. They are young adults now and never resented the fact their little sister got to go on holiday sometimes without them. I think it's ridiculous to have such a black and white view of it all.

Original poster

MylittleLovebug · 08/05/2023 11:17

His two kids count as adults, so paying for four adults even with a free child place is ecpensive. I work and would be able to save and pay for me and ds.

OP posts:

Original poster

MylittleLovebug · 08/05/2023 11:17

I'll speak to him about taking ds away next year without him

OP posts:

Laurdo · 08/05/2023 11:28

MylittleLovebug · 07/05/2023 18:57

I'd feel guilty as he's a good man and dad who works hard all year and it wouldn't feel right to go off and leave him home whilst we went to the sunshine.

We couldn't go the 3 of us when they are away as dh won't do it. It's all 3 or none

Does he feel guilty that you and your DS are missing out on a holiday because of his dad guilt?

Could you not go the same time as the DSC are away with their mum?

MeetMyCat · 08/05/2023 12:33

Does he feel guilty that you and your DS are missing out on a holiday because of his dad guilt?

Could you not go the same time as the DSC are away with their mum?

This???

Leftoverssandwich · 08/05/2023 12:41

I would be looking for holidays that don’t cost per person, apart from potentially flights. Like others have said, self catering in a villa? It’ll cost more but not two whole adult places more.

We are six, including DSS, and have never been able to afford package holidays per head, but have had great holidays like this, with plenty of eating out so it’s not just more domesticity.

MeetMyCat · 08/05/2023 12:48

MylittleLovebug · 08/05/2023 11:17

I'll speak to him about taking ds away next year without him

It also seems a shame that your DS may not be able to have holiday with both his Mum and Dad; why should your DS live as if he's got split parents, when he hasn't, just due to Dad guilt?

Manichean · 08/05/2023 14:20

Your DH's older children have two parents to advocate for them, due to Dad guilt your DS has just his Mum.

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