Living as a blended family

[Followthefaith]

I just wanted some advice because I'm a bit stuck.. me and my partner have been together for 4 years. We both have a son from a previous relationship. My son is 5 and has autism but he is quite high functioning althought talks a lot and is quite needy and struggles with regulating emotions and routine etc. His son is 6 and is non verbal has epilepsy and global development delay. He needs lots of extra care and cannot dress, feed, go toilet or get to sleep on his own. He doesn't sleep much usually around 3 hours on average a night and will not understand when we tell him things most of the time but my son does understand and follows instructions. Me and my partner take them for days out to places that support children with disabilities and have been proactive in making sure they have as good a quality as life as any other child. We have a loving environment for them and they both feel safe and secure with us. Currently my son goes to his dad's every other weekend and my partner's son is with him every Friday - Sunday then every single half term he has him too. My partner sort of lives with me. He is at mine every Monday - Thursday then Friday - Sunday him and his son stay. His son sleeps in the living room with him on a sofa bed. (I have a small 2 bed bungalow). This works well for us. But during the half terms (unless I have annual leave to spend with my son which is two weeks of a year. I also have all bank holidays included in annual leave automatic and only work 20hours a week Mon - Fri so have little leave). I have set a boundary that he stays at his parents house with his son as when I have to work/ my son goes to holiday clubs, I cannot have as little as 3 hours sleep a night. It affects us all as my partner's son bless him cannot sleep for long and doesn't understand that noisy toys are not allowed during the night he is quite repetitive so will get loud toys out which calms him but wakes up all up including my son which causes melt downs. On a weekend it's not too bad because my son goes to his dad so only 2 weekends a month he would have distrubed sleep. But if it's really bad on a Friday my partner will take his son to his parents so we can rest and I will sometimes watch the kids so he can rest. It works for us. However, my parents wants to get a house together and understanbly by living together in a home we both have paid for we both want to stay there during half terms. I am anxious and don't know how to communicate to him that this isn't really an arrangement I think would work due to him having his son during the holidays as I would find it hard to work with the extra care his son needs. For context I support my son myself his dad only contributes very little and I rely on what little money I have to support him as I hate to rely on a man. (I do not get any benefits other than DLA) because my partner is with me so often although not on tency his income would wipe out any benefits so I didn't really bother. I have had help from my partner's fortunately as my mum has a bit of money so it hasn't been an issue. But I feel that if we were to live together and pay for a mortgage (we plan to buy with help from parents) then I would need to work full time. I can't imagine working full time and having 13 weeks a year of having to do intense care of two children and little sleep. I feel really stuck and selfish because it is easier for me to stay as I am and him get his own place for him and his son and we just take them out and do things together. Just for extra info we plan to not have any more kids together so I feel this could work. But he thinks it's not a proper relationship and wouldn't be happy in that arrangement. I am also finding my boyfriends sons mother doesnt seem to spend any of his free time out of school with him (maybe she cannot cope. I try not to judge) but I think when he leaves school my partner will be doing 50/50 of the care for him. My partner's sons mother doesn't work as she is not expected to as being a carer for a child with the level of needs he has but I feel that we do have to work so it makes it difficult for us to care and work full time too in theory. So I am thinking maybe this relationship is not going to work in the long run. I love my partner and care for his son but I feel I havent got the circumstances to make this work. I have to think about my own sons and his needs. My partner wouldn't be able to support me, my son and his son on his wage and pay for a house if I was to not work and look after the children. And I certainly cannot make enough in my job full time either so he could look after them. What do you think would be best? Please be kind I'm struggling so much with this.

OP

I agree with you. Be very careful - from the outside looking in, your partner is taking advantage of you and using emotional blackmail - "not a real relationship" to manipulate you.

Stay living separately.

I think you're right in your way of thinking op. I have a non verbal child that sleeps terribly and the impact on all of us is huge. The only reason we can make it work is because my other kids are older and understand and are not triggered by the youngest ones behaviour.

I respect and admire your ability to recognize the impact that any change in your living situation.

Given the challenges of your respected children I think you're right to maintain your separate homes.

You absolutely have to maintain separate homes, your partner cannot own a home where his son can't stay whenever he is having time with his dad.

With the epilepsy and level of disability for your partners DS he shouldn't be sleeping on a sofa bed either, his dad needs to arrange him a bedroom that is safe for him and meets his needs growing up.

In an idea world he would have two very similar rooms at mum and dads house, it would minimise disruption and may help him sleep better.

Does your partner have his own house? I think you should continue to live separately tbh. Actually I think you should properly live separately so you can claim your proper entitlements.
Is your partner able to take on some weekdays with his son so that maybe every other weekend yous could have together without children/caring responsibilities.
It may be that the relationship is just not working out, or yous just have to work it however suits yous and the children. Families are not one size fits all.

You seem like a fantastic mum. I would keep my home separate, claim the benefits you are entitled to and ensure your boyfriend pays his keep when he stays.

It looks like the only person that will benefit from the blend is your boyfriend. Its better for the children and yourself to stay as you are.

I think what he means is that we wouldn't be a solid family unit as would be taken a big step back. We was trying to give the boys a chance of a family, we both help out with eachothers kids and are pro active in finding things to help their development. Their other parents seem to not want to see them in their spare time so we felt bad and wanted to create a space we can be a little family. I think living in such a small space with two kids with different needs that are almost polar opposite has been really challenging but we made it work. My partner didn't have his son in the holidays every half term when I met him this has been in the past year or so as his ex had another child and needed help and it worked out well for my partner to have more time with his son. I think he expected to have him here at my place but when I said hel need to go to his mum's because it's not practical he felt I was trying to make it difficult for him.. his son has a bedroom at his mum's place already so I feel like he should be staying in his own room. I also think he should spend some quality time alone with his dad as I like to do that with my son too. It's not that I don't want them here I just think it's what's right for the children.

I feel so guilty like I'm breaking up a happy home ☹️ I don't mind them being here on weekends but I think it's what we wanted and it worked when the boys were little but now they are older and their challenges are becoming more apparent I just feel it would be better for them to both have a home they can express themselves freely, have their needs met and not have to have extra stress from eachother. My son hates noise and is very loud ironically. He speaks at a much louder volume and almost shouts but his son is non verbal and likes to have loud repetitive noises which drives my son crazy. We mostly take them to diability centres and spend time in places they can both have their own senses satisfied but sleeping arrangements arent very practical and my partner doesn't really understand when I try and communicate this to him. I don't know if he is almost feeling defensive like I'm saying his son is a problem. I don't think that at all. I really care about him and I feel so bad that his mum doesn't spend much time with him I wanted to support him so he can thrive like my son is but I feel like it's hard to explain it sensitively to my partner. Maybe that's what I need help/advice with?

His mum has a three bedroom and him and his son have a room each there. We originally started having them stay here as we wanted to save up and get a place together that was bigger but I wasnt aware my son has autism in the early stages it was only a few months ago it was diagnosed and I guess I was naive as to his sons needs. I wanted to give them a nice environment and get them help with their development and be a little family together. I now realise it's not quite as black and white as that so I think we would be better going to how it was initially but still spending time together during the days on weekends. I can't claim anything as I live in a property my mum owns. My rent is cheap and me and my partner pay half on bills at the moment so we have enough to live on. My ex doesn't pay child maintenance I don't really need him to he doesn't have the financial support I have from parents etc. I admit IV been fortunate in life and I like to pay for my own child. He gets DLA and that helps with his equipment, clothes, toys and clubs so I never really need to claim benefits I don't think I'd be entitled. He wouldn't be able to change routine. His little boys mum has him after school Monday - Thursday and he has him Friday to Sunday and bank hols and half terms. They do not have a good relationship so he wouldn't change things it will cause problems. To be honest we get every evening Monday - Thursday when my son goes to sleep so we are okay and we spend time together with the kids on weekends and that's what we like doing. I agree and I think part of it is he's anxious that we wouldnt appear as a "proper family" but I think we would be.

Thank you. I really doubt myself sometimes. I worry someone in the equation is always missing out but ultimately we have two children with disabilities who just need to be secure with their living arrangements. I am going to have this talk soon with my partner so I'm super anxious 😔

You shouldn't be anxious about talking to your own boyfriend. He should want what's best for you.

You are absolutely right to want to live in your own separate homes and I don't see it as a step back at all. It's the best thing for you and it's the best thing for your son. He (and you) are your priority. Not a partner or his child.

You are a family, you and your child. You aren't giving him a 'better' family by having a partner and his child living with you. There is absolutely no reason that your son can't benefit from a relationship with your partner and his son who live elsewhere.

I’m highly suspicious of your partner who in your words sort of lives with you ie has moved in and is there every night.

he has his own bedroom at his mums and so does his son so why is he making his son sleep on a sofa bed he has to share with him. That is not in his sons best interest.

the children disturbing and distressing each other is not in withers best interest either

you need a job. You need to perform that job well to earn money to pay your bills and support your child. You cannot do that on 3 hours sleep 13 weeks of the year. I mean there are families that have to but they are often at breaking point and you don’t HAVE to do why should you.

your partner wants to have his cake and eat it. He got to move out of his mums, and has you on tap to cook, clean and help care for his son.

I would be putting a firm boundary in place about them not moving in and dial it back somewhat. Have alone time with your son. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know!

maintain your boundaries, and are you claiming UC? If you are working 20th a week unless that is very well paid I would have thought you eligible but do check on a benefits checker online

I agree with pp. Do apply for UC as you would be entitled to disabled child element due to the dla award. You might just get a little bit extra.

my parents wants to get a house together and understanbly by living together in a home we both have paid for we both want to stay there during half terms

Im not sure what you mean here-do your parent not live together? Or do you mean your parents want you and your boyfriend to get a house together?

It sounds a bit like your boyfriend is taking the piss here. What does he contribute to bills/living/food etc?

I think it might be a auto correct for partner.

Her partner wants them to get a house together and this is concerning her as she won't be able to tell him to go and spend a fee nights at his mums as this new house will be just as much his as it is hers.

I’m guessing parents is a typo for partner.

OP sorry but your DP doesn’t sound like he has you or your son’s best interests at heart, or even his own son. Be very careful not to let him manipulate you into “proving” your commitment by moving in together when the only one who would benefit is him.

I agree with all of this, this is my way of thinking. Although I thought what we was doing at the moment is fine but after getting advice from people on here I realise maybe him and his son should be always staying at my partner's mums house. I don't think a sofa is suitable for them both in the long term to be honest.

I said sort of because in half terms he doesn't live here he is at his mum's so during the summer for 6 weeks he is not here as he has his son every day and it wouldn't work with me working. This is the problem for the future as I couldn't get a house 50/50 with him as he'd of course want to be there during the summer holidays and I can't work alongside the care needs of his son. His mum gets benefits and has a 3 bedroom house which was adapted for him but we are not able to get these things to better his life here as she is the main carer. I sometimes think it would be better if we had the boys with eachother. It's hard step parenting with sen needs ☹️.

My partner doesn't by any means expect me to do all of the work he's very proactive with the kids (helps with my son also) and he cleans and cooks and pays his way without being reminded so I can't fault him with that.

I can't claim benefits because my partner is with me most of the time (he's not on the tenancy) but he's here so with both earnings we wouldn't be entitled.

Sorry was a typo it's my partner. He basically has a deposit ready and my mum would help me and it would mean we could get a home and mortgage. Looking at a 3 bed so both children have a room. Issue is I would have to work full time to help pay and I don't think he's being realistic. With having his child during holidays he is not going to be able to work and I cannot work if my sleep is limited, my child is having melt downs and the stress if the extra care both children needs would be quite a strein. So I think getting a place together wouldn't work out. I want him to get his own place and I'm happy where I am.

At the moment he pays half of bills and food. Rent is covered by me as it's my mum's home and she hasn't actually asked me for money but I choose to pay her £200 a month out of greatfulness.

This is exactly it!

I loved the idea of being a family, buying a home, getting married etc but I think because of the needs of our children living together is really not sounding realistic to me.

Sorry OP, I agree with others saying he has moved himself in and is now unconcerned about the strain it's putting on you and your son - and on his son.

How does your son feel about him practically living there? Wouldn't he prefer some more space and time with just you?

Time for your DP to relocate to his mum's and support his son there.

So he wouldn’t work, you’d work full time to pay for the house (on minimal sleep and having to deal with your son being distressed), and his ex gets all the benefits?

Come on, OP.

It would be totally impractical for you to live together. How are you going to survive these three hour nights for the next 50 years? And who would benefit? No one. Stay separate, with a few nights a week together, as you are now.

I think as it is now we manage but this is because it's my place so can rightfully say go to you mum's with little one when it gets tough but if we went 50/50 I couldnt ask him to leave for 13 weeks during school holidays. I think my son is quite fond of my partner they interact well and my son is the one of the boys that loves talking, being sociable and having people around. But it's me that craves some 1:1 time with him. We can't like get playdough out for example when is son is over as he doesn't understand and will pick and throw the bits around which my son finds challenging and he can't understand himself that my boyfriends son doesn't understand so it can limit some of the activities I want to do with him. Like baking and stuff can be quite hard if you have an unpredictable child climbing up, grabbing things etc.