Living as a blended family

[Followthefaith]

I just wanted some advice because I'm a bit stuck.. me and my partner have been together for 4 years. We both have a son from a previous relationship. My son is 5 and has autism but he is quite high functioning althought talks a lot and is quite needy and struggles with regulating emotions and routine etc. His son is 6 and is non verbal has epilepsy and global development delay. He needs lots of extra care and cannot dress, feed, go toilet or get to sleep on his own. He doesn't sleep much usually around 3 hours on average a night and will not understand when we tell him things most of the time but my son does understand and follows instructions. Me and my partner take them for days out to places that support children with disabilities and have been proactive in making sure they have as good a quality as life as any other child. We have a loving environment for them and they both feel safe and secure with us. Currently my son goes to his dad's every other weekend and my partner's son is with him every Friday - Sunday then every single half term he has him too. My partner sort of lives with me. He is at mine every Monday - Thursday then Friday - Sunday him and his son stay. His son sleeps in the living room with him on a sofa bed. (I have a small 2 bed bungalow). This works well for us. But during the half terms (unless I have annual leave to spend with my son which is two weeks of a year. I also have all bank holidays included in annual leave automatic and only work 20hours a week Mon - Fri so have little leave). I have set a boundary that he stays at his parents house with his son as when I have to work/ my son goes to holiday clubs, I cannot have as little as 3 hours sleep a night. It affects us all as my partner's son bless him cannot sleep for long and doesn't understand that noisy toys are not allowed during the night he is quite repetitive so will get loud toys out which calms him but wakes up all up including my son which causes melt downs. On a weekend it's not too bad because my son goes to his dad so only 2 weekends a month he would have distrubed sleep. But if it's really bad on a Friday my partner will take his son to his parents so we can rest and I will sometimes watch the kids so he can rest. It works for us. However, my parents wants to get a house together and understanbly by living together in a home we both have paid for we both want to stay there during half terms. I am anxious and don't know how to communicate to him that this isn't really an arrangement I think would work due to him having his son during the holidays as I would find it hard to work with the extra care his son needs. For context I support my son myself his dad only contributes very little and I rely on what little money I have to support him as I hate to rely on a man. (I do not get any benefits other than DLA) because my partner is with me so often although not on tency his income would wipe out any benefits so I didn't really bother. I have had help from my partner's fortunately as my mum has a bit of money so it hasn't been an issue. But I feel that if we were to live together and pay for a mortgage (we plan to buy with help from parents) then I would need to work full time. I can't imagine working full time and having 13 weeks a year of having to do intense care of two children and little sleep. I feel really stuck and selfish because it is easier for me to stay as I am and him get his own place for him and his son and we just take them out and do things together. Just for extra info we plan to not have any more kids together so I feel this could work. But he thinks it's not a proper relationship and wouldn't be happy in that arrangement. I am also finding my boyfriends sons mother doesnt seem to spend any of his free time out of school with him (maybe she cannot cope. I try not to judge) but I think when he leaves school my partner will be doing 50/50 of the care for him. My partner's sons mother doesn't work as she is not expected to as being a carer for a child with the level of needs he has but I feel that we do have to work so it makes it difficult for us to care and work full time too in theory. So I am thinking maybe this relationship is not going to work in the long run. I love my partner and care for his son but I feel I havent got the circumstances to make this work. I have to think about my own sons and his needs. My partner wouldn't be able to support me, my son and his son on his wage and pay for a house if I was to not work and look after the children. And I certainly cannot make enough in my job full time either so he could look after them. What do you think would be best? Please be kind I'm struggling so much with this.

That's right because his job (he's a space/technology engineer) is well paid and can be flexible to his sons needs he is able to take those half terms off but I work in a radio job and part time and my work place wouldn't allow me to take time off for his son's needs as it's not my child. I think ultimately we just don't have the right cirucmstances to live together but he sees it as I am saying his son doesn't fit in to my set up and can get quite defensive. I just don't know how to explain it to him senstively without him taking it as I don't want them here because I do WANT them to be but practically speaking they can't really.

I know it really sucks it's all circumstancial. When I tried to explain to him before he got very defensive and upset and it didn't go down well so it just made me feel selfish like I'm not thinking about him and his son. If we got married they would be out step kids so I treat his son as mine and he does the same with my boy so it felt a bit like I'm putting my son before his which I think is why he got upset.

Your DP is manipulating you OP and your instincts are quite rightly screaming at you as a result. Your should be putting yourself and your DC first, not your DP and his DC. TBH, he's taking the piss already by basically living at your house. And if you can't discuss this calmly and reasonably and he can't understand your misgivings, both practical and financial, then you shouldn't be even considering moving in together. The whole arrangement will make you worse off and mean you have to work FT. How does that benefit you and your DS? It doesn't. It benefits your DP and his DS and he has the audacity to call you selfish? Fuck that! I'd tell him to take a hike, if it were me.

When I tried to explain to him before he got very defensive and upset and it didn't go down well so it just made me feel selfish like I'm not thinking about him and his son.

He is showing you who is he! Pay attention. Because a good partner - a team player - would listen and respect your views and wishes. He would NOT manipulate and pressurise.

Big red flags. Please put your son and yourself first.

The more you post, the more it seems like this relationship isn’t for you OP. He’s taking advantage and being selfish.

Think how hard and expensive it’s going to be to extract yourself from the situation in a year or two’s time, and how you’re likely to feel then.

You should be putting your own son before his son and before him. It seems like your own instincts are spot on but he's trying to wrong foot you by telling you that you should consider the needs of his son in the same way
that you do your own.

Saying 'if we were married' is a nonsense argument.

Borrowing money from your mum and working full time so you can live with a partner is not the right financial decision for you. The home you have now is good for you and your child - and you can afford it.

So moving in with him is it the best thing for your son and it's not the best thing financially either.

I feel like he's a good dad and partner though like he does help with house work and pay half bills and food I just wish I didn't let them stay in the first place I was really niave and now it seems like I'm bailing on them because it's too hard and I feel like a cow for doing that to them. We spoke about getting a place together and that was because he has his son weekends and it didn't interupt my working life but now it sounds like I'm backing out because I am trying to take into account what the future would actually entail if we did that. I think he was reluctant to not have more kids. He wanted a child together thinking he would have a more normal parenting experience but he I know out child will likely have disabilities to and I didn't want a child with someone for the reason that they want a child without special needs it didn't feel right to me. I know my son's not on the same scale of his and noone wants a child with additional needs but I wouldn't actually change my son I don't see his autism as a flaw but as a gift and that he's special and will do great things. This is really making me doubt the whole relationship now ☹️

I feared this to be honest but I don't want to believe he's not a good person. It's so hard ☹️

I know I think we just both treat them equally so he expects me to put his son first too and I am trying to think about both of the children and it seems like he doesn't understand what I am saying but maybe if it was reversed I'd be upset too. I'm not sure. It sounds like everyone agrees with me what my thoughts were so I am more confident that I am making the right choice I just now need to help him understand that too.

So I had a talk with him (via text so probably not the best way) about the future plans and what my concerns are. He basically said that I can't pick and choose when it's convinient for me i.e Monday to Thursday he helps me so like if my son has challenging behaviour he helps with cooking/cleaning to make it easier and sometimes takes over with him so I can have 5 minutes to calm myself and go back in with a clear head. Anyway he said I can't have him here Monday to Thursday to help with my son then when it's a weekend send them away so I don't have to deal with his son. He said that I'm basically making him choose between having a life with me and progressing in a relationship and having his son in half terms because he said I'm clearly saying that the issue is hes having his son more often. I'm really baffled by him thinking that I don't care about his on when clearly IV made every effort to help him. I literally got him drinking from a sippy cup so he isn't drinking from a baby bottle as I believe we need to break habits while he's younger. I help him with sensory things by buying the equipment for my son and allowing him to use them and also let him share my son's clothes (his mum doesn't like him getting his clothes she buys ruined as they are expensive), so like if we go out somewhere he wears my son's so he doesn't ruin his own. I actually feel heart broken that it isn't appriciated. Part of me is angry. The other half thinks is he right? I can't expect it to be on my terms? He said I'm the one who doesn't want a baby so we're not doing that and now I don't want a house together we can't do that. Am I really being unfair?

Are you familiar with the term 'gaslighting' @Followthefaith? It's a form of manipulation and it sounds to me like this is what your DP is doing to you. Your own instincts are telling you to look out for yourself and your DS and that you're in danger right now of making a big mistake by moving in with your DP and his DC. While this move would greatly disadvantage you and change your life and that of your DS for the worse, it would greatly benefit your DP and his DS.

But instead of trying to see it from your POV and understand where you're coming from, your 'D'P is going out of his way to make you doubt yourself and think 'Maybe I should be putting him and his DS first. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to this voice in my head that tells me this is a big mistake.'

Everyone on this thread who has heard your story has told you that you're right to put your own needs and those of your DS first. Someone who really loves you and wants what's best for you and your DS wouldn't be putting so much pressure on you and wouldn't be making you feel so sad and guilty. This relationship has big red flags all over it. Please take notice of them.

Of course you can live your own life on your own terms.

Say he is right. And you can't pick and choose when you want him there in your own home then you know what is the right decision for you and your son. It's that he's not there living with you sleeping on a sofa with his child and it's not buying a house with him where you have to work full time in order to be able to afford it.

For what it's worth, I don't think you are trying to have everything on your own terms at all. You are just putting your own child ahead of him.

If he wants a relationship with you he can spend time with you out of your house, perhaps he can buy a house of his own and you and your son can come over there for example.

That doesn't make you a bad person or a bad girlfriend.

Well I feel really conflicted. I understand everyone on here agrees with what I'm saying but just did the school run and spoke to one of my close friends and she sides with my partner saying I can't just tell him to go to his mum's because that's discriminating against his son and that if she did that to her partner she'd expect him to leave her. She said that if we lived seperately were not really a family and we may aswell be single. I said to her all the above reasons about the kids having different needs and she said at the end of the day I choose to be with him so should accept his son and make it work because it's about all of us and not me. I'm so fucking confused now. Is it because she's in her 20s I don't know? I feel like I'm surrounded by people who have a different way of thinking than me. Maybe you guys have more life experience I don't know but it seems like my boyfriend and friends think I'm not treating his son fair so I feel like a horrible wicked step mum now

Good post from @maranella

On your last update from school run- I’m not seeing anyone suggest a mix of DP living with you at weekends and then disappearing at half terms - I read posts as most people suggesting you don’t live together at all.

I agree you can’t have it both ways. And it sounds better for you each to stick to your own living arrangements. Perhaps just go on dates if you still want to see him.

Your children have different needs, his child has significantly more difficult needs and disrupts your sons life.
Put your son first, this man is trying to manipulate you into a situation that he and his son will gain more from and your son will not benefit from at all.
I would end the relationship, he isn't listening to any of your valid concerns, he is thinking very selfishly.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, nothing.

And you aren't a horrible step mum, mainly because he hasn't asked you to marry him, you have no legal obligation to either of them and secondly you have done things for his son, you listed some of them.
You are also entitled to not want someone living in your house that disrupts your sleep to such a level.
It isn't his fault but his behaviour is disruptive to you and your son, that's more than a good enough reason for separate house holds.

There's actually a well known married couple with twins that have different SEN needs that live separately, one with mum, one with dad, so it does happen, but only if your partner recognises and accepts it.

I think only suggesting not living together in the future as a house hold has caused an argument. So to suggest not living together now at all probs would be the end wouldn't it. ☹️ It works for us now as he doesn't mind taking his son to his mum's when we need to catch up on sleep or during half terms and that the issue was that I don't want to get a house with him in the future even with the boys having their own rooms I think having to work full time to pay a mortgage off of little sleep and my son having melt downs about the noisy nights would be quite hard to stick to for the whole summer holidays for example. So it was more an issue of the future but I guess it does sound like I need to take a step back from the arrangment we have now too.

I know it's just sad that we couldn't be together because of the children we have. I thought they were a bonus to our relationship ☹️

Really? I'm going to try look this up and show him. I feel like it they were kids we had with eachother he would be understanding but because his son isn't mine he just sees it as me pushing his son out of my home and I can understand how that could upset someone. I stil want to spend time as a family though just sleep seperately.

This is like what I thought initally. He can buy a place for him and his son and we can just visit eachother and do things like that. His son will need care well into adult hood and I feel like I am hoping when my son is older to take him traveling and do things like that with him but I feel like if I do that I'm being harsh by not helping my partner look after his son and going on holidays and stuf instead. I don't know if this will really work for the long term. I'm just sad because he was the person I wanted to settle down with and I thought we had a nice little family and a good solid relationship.

Op I think you are 100% right to stay living separately. That fact that is your feeling is very telling…I think it’s good to listen to your own intuition. Wouldn’t it be awful to be 1 yr down the line living a very stressful life with a child who is distressed because their home life is difficult. Will be much hard to separate if it goes wrong than to get a better set up from the beginning.

I think you just have to be very clear that living together is not going to work. Possible once the boys are older and presumably accessing adult services/live in support it will be different.

You're not a wicked stepmother at all. As much as I adore my son (non verbal , high needs) life has altered dramatically since he was born. Holidays are short and very carefully planned , we both lack sleep and our home is full of baby gates for safety reasons. Day to day life is dictated by his mood and it makes the simplist things 10x more difficult and expensive. We also can only go out as a couple when he's at school , as no one can babysit safely.

You are right to prioritise your child op.

Definitely don't blend at the moment. Blending families is hard anyway but you have further things to consider. You should be unapologetically putting your son first. That's your responsibility. Also your son is still young. His needs may evolve and change as he grows. You already know he is sensitive to noise - don't move in a child who makes a lot of repetitive noise and into the night - it's not in his best interests and not fair to your child. In your situation I would focus on making my sons home as much of a sanctuary as possible.

Your friend is wrong! Does she have sen kids? It changes the goalposts massively.
You not only have a right to put your own child 1st, you have to put your own child 1st. I think your partner is only considering himself tbh. How does his child cope with a whole summer away from his mum? That seems mad to me. She only has him school days, which are no doubt hard due to sleepless nights, (I had one that didn’t sleep through until he was 6, it’s not easy) but she can’t just check out of every non school day. That’s not doing right by anyone. DLA is for the child’s needs, not just for 1 household and if she gets carers allowance she may not be meeting the criteria with long periods of not having him. Off topic I know, sorry.
I think you and your partner can continue to have a relationship as long as it one that suits both of you and the children. But that’s going to take compromise. Your partner is saying you want it all your way, but it sounds like he wants it all his.

So she has two kids both no additional needs and he has 4 and one with autism but high functioning a bit like my son and she thinks if she told him to spend an evening elsewhere with his son that she would feel rude and expect him to leave but they have a joint place together and pay 50/50. The situation I am trying to avoid tbh. But she was more upset that she thinks I got aih him knowing his son had disabilities (I didn't know at the time my son did) and therefore thinks to change the set up due to that is like discriminating against his son. I know it makes me feel really sad that she doesn't spend any holidays with him. He spends Christmas with us and birthdays but she has said as he doesn't understand anyway it doesn't matter. I think she just doesn't really have the skills and finds it hard as she's a single parent to another child too (younger than the son they share) and I do get it it's really hard for some people. I used to find it difficult with my son when he was very young as he used to have issues processing sensory things and I didn't realise it was autism so thought he was just scared of everything. It made me anxious to take him anywhere but after being diagnosed I was given loads of info on things I can do and places to take him where he can fully be himself and I think it's easier for me and my partner to manage them both as there's two of us and one of her. I have no idea what specifically she claims for him but I know she doesn't work and has had a home adapted for him but it's not really an issue for her to have money as we can work. I feel like after expressing this all on here with the feedback I have received from friends and people on here that this isn't going to work. So I'm taking a few days without him being here to think through what I do next. It's such a shame because I love him and I wish I never got involved it's absolutely heart breaking. I feel sad for my son missing out on what he calls his family and I'm sad for his son because I wanted to help him and I feel guilty for coming into my boyfriends life giving him false hope then ruining it ☹️