Living as a blended family

[Followthefaith]

I just wanted some advice because I'm a bit stuck.. me and my partner have been together for 4 years. We both have a son from a previous relationship. My son is 5 and has autism but he is quite high functioning althought talks a lot and is quite needy and struggles with regulating emotions and routine etc. His son is 6 and is non verbal has epilepsy and global development delay. He needs lots of extra care and cannot dress, feed, go toilet or get to sleep on his own. He doesn't sleep much usually around 3 hours on average a night and will not understand when we tell him things most of the time but my son does understand and follows instructions. Me and my partner take them for days out to places that support children with disabilities and have been proactive in making sure they have as good a quality as life as any other child. We have a loving environment for them and they both feel safe and secure with us. Currently my son goes to his dad's every other weekend and my partner's son is with him every Friday - Sunday then every single half term he has him too. My partner sort of lives with me. He is at mine every Monday - Thursday then Friday - Sunday him and his son stay. His son sleeps in the living room with him on a sofa bed. (I have a small 2 bed bungalow). This works well for us. But during the half terms (unless I have annual leave to spend with my son which is two weeks of a year. I also have all bank holidays included in annual leave automatic and only work 20hours a week Mon - Fri so have little leave). I have set a boundary that he stays at his parents house with his son as when I have to work/ my son goes to holiday clubs, I cannot have as little as 3 hours sleep a night. It affects us all as my partner's son bless him cannot sleep for long and doesn't understand that noisy toys are not allowed during the night he is quite repetitive so will get loud toys out which calms him but wakes up all up including my son which causes melt downs. On a weekend it's not too bad because my son goes to his dad so only 2 weekends a month he would have distrubed sleep. But if it's really bad on a Friday my partner will take his son to his parents so we can rest and I will sometimes watch the kids so he can rest. It works for us. However, my parents wants to get a house together and understanbly by living together in a home we both have paid for we both want to stay there during half terms. I am anxious and don't know how to communicate to him that this isn't really an arrangement I think would work due to him having his son during the holidays as I would find it hard to work with the extra care his son needs. For context I support my son myself his dad only contributes very little and I rely on what little money I have to support him as I hate to rely on a man. (I do not get any benefits other than DLA) because my partner is with me so often although not on tency his income would wipe out any benefits so I didn't really bother. I have had help from my partner's fortunately as my mum has a bit of money so it hasn't been an issue. But I feel that if we were to live together and pay for a mortgage (we plan to buy with help from parents) then I would need to work full time. I can't imagine working full time and having 13 weeks a year of having to do intense care of two children and little sleep. I feel really stuck and selfish because it is easier for me to stay as I am and him get his own place for him and his son and we just take them out and do things together. Just for extra info we plan to not have any more kids together so I feel this could work. But he thinks it's not a proper relationship and wouldn't be happy in that arrangement. I am also finding my boyfriends sons mother doesnt seem to spend any of his free time out of school with him (maybe she cannot cope. I try not to judge) but I think when he leaves school my partner will be doing 50/50 of the care for him. My partner's sons mother doesn't work as she is not expected to as being a carer for a child with the level of needs he has but I feel that we do have to work so it makes it difficult for us to care and work full time too in theory. So I am thinking maybe this relationship is not going to work in the long run. I love my partner and care for his son but I feel I havent got the circumstances to make this work. I have to think about my own sons and his needs. My partner wouldn't be able to support me, my son and his son on his wage and pay for a house if I was to not work and look after the children. And I certainly cannot make enough in my job full time either so he could look after them. What do you think would be best? Please be kind I'm struggling so much with this.

When I say this though about me puting my son first and he's my responsibility I get called out for being selfish and that I can't just put him before my partner's kid because I knew he had him etc. So I question my own morals. That's what I find difficult because I want my son to be safe and secure. IV worked so hard to get him help with therapies and taking him to centres where he can explore his senses and helping him make friends at school. He is absolutely thriving. This is why I didn't want to make any changes with how things are.

Just say to him it's not his child but you and your situation - that you didn't know your son had this and now it's difficult and you won't do justice to his son? So it's time to separate, or marry but live separately. The ball is in his court.
Then be done with it.

When I say this though about me puting my son first and he's my responsibility I get called out for being selfish and that I can't just put him before my partner's kid because I knew he had him etc. So I question my own morals.

@Followthefaith the more you post about this guy, the more he comes across as a selfish manipulator.

You put your son first, just as he puts his son first. Yet he says you’re wrong to do that.

He knows you’re stepping back and is determined to force you to do what he wants. This is not the role model you want for your son.

I think you sound like a very sensible good mum.

Your children have different needs.

You need to put your son first.

Blending would be a complete disaster for you both.

Don't be guilted by him.

Stay with your son.

@Followthefaith

I think he expected to have him here at my place but when I said hel need to go to his mum's because it's not practical he felt I was trying to make it difficult for him..

This sentence, particularly the word "expected" worries me a bit. Had he discussed this with you earlier or just assumed his idea would happen?

And his reaction to your sensible suggestion "not being a relationship" hasn't really taken on board the very different needs of your two children has it? His son needs more care than is compatible with your need and your son's need for proper sleep. You for work and your child for his mental health.

And I agree, your financial position will very likely be better if your partner is not living with you.

I think you need to keep your boundaries firm and don't move in together; hopefully your partner will, eventually, think again and see the logic even though it's not what he wants. Stay strong. 🌹

@Followthefaith

I can't claim anything as I live in a property my mum owns.

Don't forget to claim your 25% single occupier council tax discount if your partner is not living with you.

Can you claim carers allowance for your son? Check on www.gov.uk and I assume you claim child benefit?

And is there a possibility of you putting in a child maintenance claim via CMS for your son? I see his father doesn't pay currently. 🌹

Thank you in the end he agreed with me and is buying his own place where he will have more room for his son and a spare room for my son so we can visit. In the meantime he is at his mum's with his son but we spend day times during the weekend together as a family so it's going well (although don't want to jinx it as it's early days!) Thanks for all the support and encouragement it helped massively to be more firm with him as I felt confident that I was making the right decision and luckily he did come round it was finding the right words to explain it that helped! So thanks everyone xx

Yeah I think because when we met for the first year or so he would stay at his mum's on weekends then we started to have him and his son here weekends then he agreed to have him during the half term which was where it became a grey area and I think he just thought as we lived together that would be without saying but he didn't really consider my cirucmstances. Fortunately he has now and we have moved forward from it all.

My partner pays half of the bills so I wouldnt be eligible as he still is here Monday to Thursday then comes over during days on weekends and stays at his mum's Friday sat and Sunday nights. But technically from a benefits point of view supports me and is here living together. I get the £20 a week child benefit yes and I am not entitled to carers as I earn more than £600 a week. In regards to my son's dad he needs the money more than me. I'm quite fortunate with family help and having a partner so I don't really want to ask x

Good woman.

I honestly think "together but apart" will serve you well as a living arrangement.

Wishing you and your boy every success going forward.

I'm so glad to read your update op. It's absolutely the right decision for everyone , especially the two children.

Best of luck with everything.