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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Why did I open my mouth?

75 replies

Daisymoo222 · 05/05/2023 11:36

We're going away with my family this weekend. Partner mentioned the other day wanting his adult daughter to come for the day.

Last week she went out , left her kids with her mum, didn't return for 24hours, her mum missed work as she had to look after children. She's not very responsible but my partner and his ex don't say anything. After that he said I don't want her to come this weekend, honestly I was relieved because she's never ready on time, we spend ages waiting around and for some reason my anxiety goes through the roof whenever we do something with her.

He's just said she's coming now and I said oh great, that's us waiting about . She goes missing on nights out so we've had to go searching for her before too.
Bit annoyed too because he said he'd pay for her drinking/ food/ travel and this money is coming from our household money. I said I'd rather she didn't come now feel guilty because he said he was excited for her to meet my family.

I just get this anxiety that I find hard to explain when we go somewhere with her. I do like her might seem like I don't .

I should apologise to him shouldn't I?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2023 11:43

Absolutely not.

When he asked if she could come in the first place I’d have said no, she sounds selfish, disorganised and incredibly immature. How old is she and is she meant to bringing her kids too?

Softoprider · 05/05/2023 11:45

Only agree to it if her children are coming. If not then it has to be a 'no'.

Laurdo · 05/05/2023 11:48

Why do you need to apologise? All you've done is tell the truth. You'd rather she wasn't there, and for good reason by the sounds of it. Where will her children be if she goes?

I don't agree with him using joint money to pay for her. He can use his money or better yet, stop paying for a grown adult. If she does come and goes missing, leave him to find. No reason why your evening has to be ruined. If she's running late, let him wait. It's a trip to spend time with your family so you should do just that. He's chosen to invite his daughter so he can deal with her.

I would be on edge too having someone like that with me on a trip.

MsPavlichenko · 05/05/2023 11:49

No, you shouldn’t. You are perfectly entitled to your own opinion whether he agrees or not. As is he. Also why does he decide alone what to spend your shared money on, over and above she is an adult who should be able to pay her own way.

You say you like her, but she sounds like a user who dumps her responsibilities onto her folks. They might be accepting of this, no reason you need to be. Or to be frank your family.

This is all on your partner. He doesn’t sound great either.

Laurdo · 05/05/2023 11:49

Softoprider · 05/05/2023 11:45

Only agree to it if her children are coming. If not then it has to be a 'no'.

I would think her bringing the kids would be worse. What if she decides to swan off and leaves the kids with them?

WeeOrcadian · 05/05/2023 11:50

If the money to pay her share is coming from household money, you have a right to have na opinion, and to share it

She sounds like a childish brat and I wouldn't want her coming either

aSofaNearYou · 05/05/2023 12:19

No you shouldn't. If it's with your family it should have been up to you whether you invite her.

billy1966 · 05/05/2023 12:48

Do not apologise.

Your family have no need to meet the loser daughter of your loser partner.

He and his ex have raised a feckless selfish daughter.

Why would you want to be near this and why would you want her near your family.

Original poster
Daisymoo222 · 05/05/2023 13:17

She's in her 30s and her kids wouldn't be coming, not sure who's minding them.
I know how much he loves my family and wants his daughter to meet them. He just kept saying but it's my daughter on the phone.
I just don't want us to argue.
But feel the day she's there would revolve around her. Even when it comes to ordering food she takes 20 minutes, daft stuff like that annoys me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2023 13:20

He’s raised a brat, now he thinks he can foist her on people, excuse her selfishness, pay for her, pander to her, and you’re the one who doesn’t want to cause arguments…?! Is this for real?

Hotfootgoose · 05/05/2023 13:23

Simple no, maybe next time. That is it. No argument to be had, it’s a no this time.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 05/05/2023 13:51

This is your time with your family @Daisymoo222 you need to stick up for yourself here. The money definitely shouldn't be coming out of the household budget. I'm guessing your DP and his DD dominate your life and you daren't say no? Unfortunately, if you're unable to stick up for yourself you're just going to have to get on with it.

Original poster
Daisymoo222 · 05/05/2023 15:22

He's still at work but just had voice mail off his daughter asking what to wear.going to speak to him once he's home. He thinks sun shines out of her arse.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2023 15:33

What are you going to say to him?

How long have you been together?

He’s really properly failed as her parent and it’s a salutary lesson to the many step mums on here who assume or hope that the impact of shoddy parenting will lessen as the children grow into adjust. This 30 year old woman has her own kids and she’s still an irresponsible, selfish nightmare relying on her dad to pick up the pieces. He should be ashamed.

tribpot · 05/05/2023 15:40

He just kept saying but it's my daughter on the phone.

But it's your family. It sounds like she is going to - at best - inconvenience everyone and at worst ruin the day with her selfish flakiness. She's clearly never grown up, nor by the sounds of it been allowed to. And you're meant to (co) fund this trip for a woman in her 30s?? WTF for?

Why does he get to decide who goes on a weekend to visit your family?

Original poster
Daisymoo222 · 05/05/2023 15:48

We have been together 3 years. She has no rules with her own kids and no accountability with her actions affecting others .

Last week he text her and said she's selfish after staying out 24hrs and the affect on her mum. Then because she didn't reply to him he was almost grovelling asking had her hangover gone.

I can't believe I've just cried stressing over this. I'm going to say that if he wants her to meet my family that's fine but at a different time not this weekend.

I'm also worried as she does do coke sometimes when she's had a drink and I don't want to be around that or my parents.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 05/05/2023 17:40

Your family have no need to meet the loser daughter of your loser partner. He and his ex have raised a feckless selfish daughter. Why would you want to be near this and why would you want her near your family.

I initially thought this was a bit harsh. Having read your updates I think it’s spot-on.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who indulges their druggie adult child and enables her dysfunctional lifestyle, expecting others to accommodate it/her.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/05/2023 17:48

You're not being unreasonable Op, tell him No, and if he doesn't like it that's just too bad. If he'd done a better job as a parent his DD would be a much nicer person and you'd be happy to see her, instead she's 30 and still behaves like a teenager. I wouldn't want her visiting my family if her DC have no rules, supposing she loves it there and tries to come back with the DC.
Quite honestly I don't know why you put up with this Op, I couldn't respect a man who was still spoiling his grown up DD like she was a 10 year old. Surely he can see she's rude and inconsiderate, is he really that bljnd to her faults or can he not admit to himself he's been a poor Father to her

SquidwardBound · 05/05/2023 19:26

Saying ‘it’s my daughter’ isn’t a trump card to force you to accept her behaviour.

Firstly, she’s a woman in her 30s not a 6 year old. His role as father is completely different. There is no reason you need to include her when you’re visiting your family.

Secondly, if it were a meeting the family thing, her children - his grandchildren - would be coming. Wouldn’t they?

Thirdly, as others have said repeatedly, he needs to accept responsibility for how he’s allowed his daughter to behave. He should have set boundaries about the behaviour he’d accept towards him years ago. Many years ago. This is an excellent example of where Disney dadding can get you.

Have a lovely time with your family. You are allowed to draw boundaries, whether your partner likes them or not.

Original poster
Daisymoo222 · 05/05/2023 21:32

He's adamant she's coming. Have explained my feelings but he's saying he's already invited her. I don't want to go now. Am so angry with him. Selfish f*cker! Have come into another room cos fuming.

OP posts:
tribpot · 05/05/2023 21:46

I just find this attitude bemusing. This is your family. Why does he think he can dictate who goes? I understand it might be embarrassing having to come up with a reason to disinvite her (and no doubt she is going to create an almighty fuss) but I absolutely would cancel, I'm afraid. And be crystal clear: his daughter is not welcome to come to events with your family unless you have invited her. Be completely explicit about why her behaviour is unacceptable. Just because he and his ex are in deep denial together about her doesn't mean you have to be.

I think you can go even more nuclear, and uninvite the pair of them (which is what they deserve), it depends how long it's been since you've seen your family and when the next chance to see them will be.

SquidwardBound · 05/05/2023 22:32

Daisymoo222 · 05/05/2023 21:32

He's adamant she's coming. Have explained my feelings but he's saying he's already invited her. I don't want to go now. Am so angry with him. Selfish f*cker! Have come into another room cos fuming.

Well he’s not coming either. Is he?

It’s a weekend away with your family. He doesn’t get to decide to bring turn up with a wayward 30 year old you don’t want there. Even if she’s his daughter.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 05/05/2023 22:55

Ok so if she's coming, if she's not on time, you get in the car and go, your dh and his dd can make their own way. As for ordering food, you and your family order theirs and she can take all the time she wants but will end up eating later. As for paying for her, surely that will come out of his disposable money, if it's all one pot then he can go without something to make up the difference

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2023 23:02

SquidwardBound · 05/05/2023 22:32

Well he’s not coming either. Is he?

It’s a weekend away with your family. He doesn’t get to decide to bring turn up with a wayward 30 year old you don’t want there. Even if she’s his daughter.

Show quote history

Yep, hard agree.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/05/2023 23:08

How do you have any respect for him? I don't understand it when people put up with such awful step children. Doesn't it affect the way you look at your partner?