Hi,
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and he has a daughter from his previous long term relationship and we do see and have his daughter a lot. 3 Times a week. She is 12. She’s just started senior school. She does live with her mum but her mum isn’t the best role model to her and their relationship is more a friend one then parent and child.
being a step parent is a completely new move for me (I do have two sons (2 and 6) of my own) so please bare with me.
not having had a girl, I don’t know if this is why I’m struggling or because of her age as my children are younger but I need to hear other opinions.
we have been called in for meetings at her school as they have been concerned with her behaviour too and almost setting herself up as a target for bullies.
she doesn’t wash, brush her hair or clean her teeth unless prompted and even then, we have to ask several times for her to do these. She will go days without doing any of these things and I’m afraid to say she doesn’t look great and she smells by the 2nd day.
she has actually lost all her friends as they have picked up on this too and started to make fun of her but she just laughs it off.
she seems quite behind to me.. I’ll give you examples… she’s not into anything her friends are in to and she prefers playing in the mud, playing in the park, she will come home with her clothes mud and grass stained as she’s been laid on the floor or rolling down a hill, majority of time, on her own… as her friends are just happy to sit in the park etc but she is actually playing in it… she takes toys out with us on days out and plays with them and doesn’t feel embarrassed at all… she needs constant and I mean constant attention on her, if me and my partner are talking she will hover about and but in, she follows us both to the loo and waits outside, she won’t go to bed unless she’s tucked in, if we are with a bigger group of people she will hassle us to “look at me” , to colour with her, to watch a 5 second dance move she made up etc etc, she wants to hold our hands when we are out walking to anywhere, she asks to get in our bed, in the morning, she is already waiting outside the bedroom door to come in and she gets straight in bed and asks for cuddles. If he or we FaceTime her, it’s like being on the phone to a much younger child, she will move the phone about, zoom in on her face, talk to us upside down, it’s really frustrating.
I sound like I’m being so mean but I kind of didn’t think a 12 year old would want to be doing majority of that stuff? To a degree I understand it but she just seems behind compared to friends and some of them aren’t even that grown up.
also things like, if she washes her hair, she can’t blow dry it self and she can’t even put her hair in a pony tail for school. We have to lay out clothes for her at weekends as she doesn’t get clothes out. We have asked her and prompted her to wash, brush teeth, dry hair, pick clothes out for the weekend and she just doesn’t want to know.
would you be abit concerned with this or is this what a 12 year old girl is like? I know the school are concerned and have said it’s almost like she’s reverted backwards since starting senior school as this has only happened in last 6 months.
we have tried to talk to her - being firm and being gentle (trying different approaches) and she just laughs and will do a silly dance move or make noises and faces and it’s like talking to a much younger child. We have asked if anything has happened at home or if she wants to talk but she just finds it funny. Which then does result in my partner being very frustrated with her and almost losing his temper. It’s caused quite a lot of friction between me and my partner and I find myself trying to avoid her at times and relived if she doesn’t come around. Because the behaviour is frustrating. It’s hard to see her acting how she acts when she looks like a 12 year old.
any advice would be great
And please understand I do love this child and I want more than anything for her to be ok