Stepdaughter issues

[Playboy12]

Hi,

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and he has a daughter from his previous long term relationship and we do see and have his daughter a lot. 3 Times a week. She is 12. She’s just started senior school. She does live with her mum but her mum isn’t the best role model to her and their relationship is more a friend one then parent and child.

being a step parent is a completely new move for me (I do have two sons (2 and 6) of my own) so please bare with me.
not having had a girl, I don’t know if this is why I’m struggling or because of her age as my children are younger but I need to hear other opinions.
we have been called in for meetings at her school as they have been concerned with her behaviour too and almost setting herself up as a target for bullies.
she doesn’t wash, brush her hair or clean her teeth unless prompted and even then, we have to ask several times for her to do these. She will go days without doing any of these things and I’m afraid to say she doesn’t look great and she smells by the 2nd day.
she has actually lost all her friends as they have picked up on this too and started to make fun of her but she just laughs it off.
she seems quite behind to me.. I’ll give you examples… she’s not into anything her friends are in to and she prefers playing in the mud, playing in the park, she will come home with her clothes mud and grass stained as she’s been laid on the floor or rolling down a hill, majority of time, on her own… as her friends are just happy to sit in the park etc but she is actually playing in it… she takes toys out with us on days out and plays with them and doesn’t feel embarrassed at all… she needs constant and I mean constant attention on her, if me and my partner are talking she will hover about and but in, she follows us both to the loo and waits outside, she won’t go to bed unless she’s tucked in, if we are with a bigger group of people she will hassle us to “look at me” , to colour with her, to watch a 5 second dance move she made up etc etc, she wants to hold our hands when we are out walking to anywhere, she asks to get in our bed, in the morning, she is already waiting outside the bedroom door to come in and she gets straight in bed and asks for cuddles. If he or we FaceTime her, it’s like being on the phone to a much younger child, she will move the phone about, zoom in on her face, talk to us upside down, it’s really frustrating.
I sound like I’m being so mean but I kind of didn’t think a 12 year old would want to be doing majority of that stuff? To a degree I understand it but she just seems behind compared to friends and some of them aren’t even that grown up.
also things like, if she washes her hair, she can’t blow dry it self and she can’t even put her hair in a pony tail for school. We have to lay out clothes for her at weekends as she doesn’t get clothes out. We have asked her and prompted her to wash, brush teeth, dry hair, pick clothes out for the weekend and she just doesn’t want to know.
would you be abit concerned with this or is this what a 12 year old girl is like? I know the school are concerned and have said it’s almost like she’s reverted backwards since starting senior school as this has only happened in last 6 months.
we have tried to talk to her - being firm and being gentle (trying different approaches) and she just laughs and will do a silly dance move or make noises and faces and it’s like talking to a much younger child. We have asked if anything has happened at home or if she wants to talk but she just finds it funny. Which then does result in my partner being very frustrated with her and almost losing his temper. It’s caused quite a lot of friction between me and my partner and I find myself trying to avoid her at times and relived if she doesn’t come around. Because the behaviour is frustrating. It’s hard to see her acting how she acts when she looks like a 12 year old.
any advice would be great
And please understand I do love this child and I want more than anything for her to be ok

She's crying out for attention. All this behaviour you think is silly is getting the attention she wants so desperately. She sounds quite unhappy underneath and it's actually really sad to read all that. Please don't avoid her and get angry with her. Reading that you and her dad don't particularly enjoy being around her Is heartbreaking 💔

i know it’s sounds so awful. It’s only been these last 6 months that these changes have happened Aside from all those things, she is really lovely and sweet. I have never made it known to her that I feel frustrated but her dad can’t hide it quite as well as I can.
which I have mentioned to him and told him he needs to not show the frustration. Trust me, I’m on her side and want to help but I don’t know how or what to even think. The school have mentioned she tells them excited all the things she has done with us but it’s bought up some red flags to the school… mainly the getting into bed with her dad, which he is uncomfortable with and has limited now to not very often . The school have said they was concerned with hearing this as she was telling a teacher about it.
I will take your advice on board tho xx

I would be concerned about these things too.

Your partner needs to get a handle on his own emotions and get professional support to understand what is going on for her and what she needs.

I think the starting point is giving her care that responds to her behaviour rather than her age. For example, she may need to be helped with her self- care in the way you'd generally help a much younger child, brushing her hair for her, etc. She may need time for free play with her toys at home rather than being taken out and about. She probably needs more involved care than you'd usually expect for a child that age.

Expecting her to 'act her age' is only going to lead to continued frustration and may harm the relationships with her.

I will add these are just thoughts on how I'd approach it, and definitely not an expert opinion. Good luck.

I'd be concerned too. But for now, why don't you reset and actually go back to treating her as though she's much younger. It sounds like she missed out on a lot of boundaries growing up so for awhile take charge.

Set out a schedule, write it up. What time she baths/showers, brushed teeth, gets dressed/undressed etc.

I gave up on talking to spending a lot of time talking to other adults when mine were little as they needed fairly constant supervision. So for awhile you may have to do that as well.

Find some activities for her to do, chosen especially for her.

Choose a pretty bag/backpack with sparkles etc on it and let her put some comforting items inside it so she has them with her.

Insist on her getting clean frequently. If she is muddy while playing then afterwards she gets changed into clean clothes and face and hands washed - or a quick shower if too grotty.

Hopefully with this reset and additional attention she will start to feel more secure.

This. If she's treated as a friend by her mum, it sounds like she's having to be an adult while there, and can offload some of that while at your house.

On her cleanliness, just keep reinforcing routines. Let her be the child, (because at 12 that is what she is) but just limit the shared-bed time, as your dh is already doing.

Stay calm and consistent, and I'm sure she'll calm down. She's had a lot to cope with in the last two years - sharing her dad, coping with her mum, puberty, new school. Be patient and let it run its course.

It's certainly a mix op, not sure what the best course is.

Does her mum have a new boyfriend/partner by any chance?

Is she spending time online without supervision?

It feels as though she's desperately trying to prove she's not grown up to someone who keeps telling her she is.

As you've picked up, something is seriously awry in that poor kid's world.

With a background in Social Services, I'd be inclined to be thinking along the new partner (in mother's life) in the first instance.

If that's not a factor, I remember a colleague working with a young girl who had this Reluctance to Grow Up at the Outset and End of Adolescence

Perhaps that's something the school has picked up on?

As others have said, all you can do is keep loving and supporting her whatever is causing her to act out in this way.

Good luck.

Thankyou everyone for your suggestions and messages. I can definitely see what you are all saying and it is kind of what I’ve been thinking too.
it’s been a struggle adapting to this new behaviour but we will definitely adjust and just try to embrace how she is being.
I think the frustration for my partner is knowing she was more grown up 6 months ago and it’s sad seeing how much she’s reverted back. 6 months ago she used to talk about boys and couldn’t wait to start her period so it’s taken us by surprise to say the least. My partner has cried several times (once she’s been put to bed) as he cannot believe the change and he said watching her play with toys etc just feels so odd as seems so strange. the last time we went out for dinner, she bought a teddy and she bought lots of accessories and she sat and dressed up the teddy and played with it and showing us all and talking to the teddy and I must say we was so shocked. We didn’t know she had packed it either.
her mum doesn’t have a new partner, they have been together 4 years now but he’s not a great role model either.

we have been asking her to brush hair and teeth and wash at home but she doesn’t and when she comes to us, it is a battle to get her to do these things so now we literally go with her and be around whilst she does these things… when she showers or baths, we will take her upstairs and then wait round the shut door, to make sure she does actually bath or shower. A few weeks ago she came strolling out of the bathroom naked, infront of my children and my partner and we couldn’t believe it as before she would of been mortified …he had to ask her to cover up and she seemed genuinely confused as to why her dad was abit taken back and uncomfortable.
we do worry about the things she tells the school (such as trying to share the bed with us/her dad and she also told a friend that her dad blows drys her hair for her and her friend mocked her and told lots of people) as it comes across as strange on her dads part too. The school did bring it up with us and we are in a catch 22 because altho they agree she’s reverted, they said it does not across as right for a dad to be doing this stuff with a 12 year old girl.
it’s just a sad and confusing situation- for us all

Ah OP that sounds really hard. You sound like a lovely, concerned stepmother. I would be concerned about what's happening at mum's house. Is mum not getting her to shower? Could she be being neglected?

I read it thinking well the child has obvious learning difficulties. However the fact this is only in the last 6months I would be taking her to the doctor and getting her checked over. This would concern me greatly.
One of my children (13) who has asd regresses sometimes. Starts the baby talking, attention seeking behaviour etc, but not to this extent and he is aware of it. He left primary and started secondary during covid which set him way back. He acts differently in school and around friends though. Also no hygiene issues.
How is she with her mum? I would be taking her to the doctor and checking nothing medical is going on, and then take it from there.

hi,
Thankyou for replying,
yes reading it back, it almost sounds like she does have learning difficulties.. but like I say, this has only happened for 6 months roughly and out of the blue. There is nothing we can think of that could of caused this regression ..we have asked about her home life but it is like getting blood from a stone and it’s not that she is being difficult on purpose… she will just start doing silly dance moves/pulling faces/ saying funny things and it is hard to keep your cool as it’s so frustrating so unfortunately we have stopped asking as it was causing tension. We have asked for support from the school and they are referring her to chat with someone - which we are praying will help and give us insight.

her Relationship with her mother is a strange one. She is a very lazy mum who rarely does anything with her, treats her like a friend rather than a child but she has told us her mum has told her to “grow up” a lot recently and she should be doing certain things and acts very young (so she’s obviously noticed but she is 1000% going about it the wrong way and saying those things is no help what so ever) she’s also told us her mum has been avoiding her alot .. which makes me sad but that to me says the mum can’t cope with the situation and runs from it.
writinh this all out to you, is making me see what is going wrong maybe xx

She sounds like she may have some additional needs, possibly autism. It presents differently in girls and tends to come out more as they get older as they find friendships more difficult and it becomes harder to mask - this may explain why it’s suddenly coming out around secondary school age. The gap between her and her peers is widening and she may be finding that difficult. I have autism and my son has autism. He is 11 and carries teddies everywhere, still plays with them. Whatever you do, don’t make her feel bad for being her, whatever that entails. Don’t make any judgements or express concern about her playing with teddies. If she isn’t hurting anyone else it really doesn’t matter. With the washing and things- yes she does need intervention in that department but understand it may be due to sensory needs (with autism many people don’t enjoy the sensation of water on their skin, my son and I are the opposite and love showers etc but not everyone is the same). This may or may not be the case but just throwing it out there. I would start by reading lots about autism and how it can present in girls and go from there - Gp appointment would be the next step.

She wants attention - in the past 3 yrs she has lived through covid, changed schools, Dad got a new partner and hormones have kicked in and Mum parents differently to you - not sure you are in a position to judge her on that,

This girl is worried about something and behaving like a child is a rotective mechanism which keeps everyone focussing on her.

Time for some counselling, maybe a pamper day with you about hair and make up ( Dad pays!) She is troubled and needs to find a voice.

Sounds like ADHD to me, emotional maturity is significantly impacted. My youngest SS is 10 and has the maturity of a gnat. Very intelligent kid, but zero awareness, sensitivity and is an absolute show off, constantly has to be the centre of attention, stroppy when hes not the main focus or if, god forbid, there is a younger child around getting any attention. We literally do not have a single photo of him where he isnt acting like a moron because the second he sees a photo is being taken, he goes from, say, walking normally, to being an absolute clown. Irritating as hell. He is also very clingy, constantly tells us he loves us, not in a normal sense, almost like its a tick or needing constant reassurance. Hes never reacted to being told off, just sits there looking blank until its his time to talk then changes the subject instantly, if he comes and asks a question, he'll walk off without listening to the answer. Hes also quite literal, for example he turned up in his brothers school trousers to ours recently, he'd been wearing them all week apparently, they were huge. When he took them off, I saw they were size 14-15 and asked him why he was wearing them when they were clearly his brothers. His answer was that they were in his drawer. So, in his head, that means they are his and there is NO questioning this, despite him basically having to hold them up for 4 days?! This obviously all sounds awful to anyone reading that hasnt experienced it but its not natural behaviour, its forced, its like he just cannot relax and be himself. The ADHD is overwhelming. So I wonder if she just doesnt have the attention span to manage herself? ADHD is a lot less diagnosed in girls is my understanding... but obviously im not a doctor!

There's some good advice here. Go gentle on her x

Hi

I started following these threads because I am at my wits end with my SS and SD (13 and 11) who both have ADHD. I have two kids myself and I cannot get my head around the SS and SD behaviour and inability to act their age or listen to instruction.
I have been with their dad for 2 years I feel the relationship is suffering more and more as time goes by.

They are both ungrateful and I will spend all wk end cooking for them, then SS will eat it in about 4mins so he can rush back to his screens. They rarely say thank you properly or even help out around the house.

SD is the most irritating child I have ever met. She fidgets all the time, is unhygienic and sulks constantly. If you tell her to stop picking her nose at the dinner table for example, she goes into full sulk mode. She doesn’t listen to instruction and has to be told all the time “brush your teeth, pack your bag” etc etc. She lies all the time about what she has and hasn’t done but her dad will still believe her.

It’s completely affecting my mental state and I’m so stressed about seeing them. Even eating dinner together gets me so irritated because she uses her hands to pick the food which then ends up in her hair. She is attention seeking and just so different to how my own kids are. My partner doesn’t understand and I can’t blame him because it’s his own kid, but I don’t even like her, let alone love her.

I feel like a terrible person because I am so good with kids in general. I work with kids and I have endless patience but when it comes to his kids, it has worn me down. I resent them for so many things, I resent them for the stress they cause him because they are constantly not listening and being defiant.

I fear for the future and I cannot see how to navigate this because there is no way I can live with his kids. I love him dearly but I can’t keep living like this.

What do I do? See a councillor together, see someone myself? Try different coping techniques? Please help!

@Cazme you’d be better off starting your own thread so you don’t get posters responding to the original OP. However you clearly have a DP problem and you’re being unfair in resenting two young children with ADHD and holding them more accountable for their behaviour than the adult who’s failing to parent them properly.

OP some of the things your DSD does remind me of Orla in Derry Girls, a delightful character who often seems blissfully unaware of her immaturity and quirkiness, but in quite a consistent and endearing way. Perhaps you can encourage SD to embrace some of these characteristics going forward, but within a package that's going to help her present herself more acceptably at school so she can avoid difficult situations and hopefully rebuild friendships.
Could you take her to the hairdresser's? Praise certain qualities, including aspects of her appearance, to help her become a bit more self aware. Buy her nice toiletries. Encourage her to get into a routine, grown up routines can herald a nice into grown up pocket money.
Does she have hobbies? Could she find hobbies that satisfy her interest in toys and playfulness?
For some children, a regression is a way of dealing with concern about the transition to teenager status, and wanting to postpone it.

Are you sure nothing is going on at home with mum's partner? Mum doesn't sound as if she has much interest in her daughter- would she notice anything untoward going on with her daughter and her partner do you think or is that too much of a stretch?

Split up because my ex partners daughter moved in with us because she was not getting on with her mother

crikey I feel I count write a book but will try to summarise

SD is 23 and throughout her whole life my ex partners ex wife made it clear she did not like me. Just by default really as the woman never made the effort to get to know me. Anyway ex had a son and a daughter. The son has always had a scarily disrespectful attitude forwards me and his dad. The stepdaughter was a different kettle of fish. Always made out how much she liked me
etc so I didn’t think anything of her moving in with us

when she moved in last July she was a wreck. Wouldn’t come out of her room. Smoking pot and even climbing out on our roof to do so. Buying and consuming edibles in our house but denied it. Anyway weeks turn into months and it becomes apparent that SD is a habitual liar. Tells lies at the drop of a hat like it’s second nature.

she claimed to have CPTSD due to abuse and neglect from her mother howver she has had a boyfriend for six years and had a very strict and stringent personal care routine.

so when I started to pick up on her lies her strategy changed. She then turned her dad against me because she could see I was seeing through her. told a whole load of
lies about me to her dad and he believed her. Even though we had been together 18 years.

she’s a very dangerous and twisted individual. Even her own grandmother said she is a liar and twists things.

a very sad ending but more hurt that my ex believed her dangerous lies about me

@Cat166 said: she claimed to have CPTSD due to abuse and neglect from her mother howver she has had a boyfriend for six years and had a very strict and stringent personal care routine.

Can you explain this please? Are you saying anyone who can maintain long-term intimate relationships and a strict/stringent personal care routine cannot possibly have experienced complex trauma?

Do you think ASD could be a possibility?

She's behaving like a much younger child because she wishes she was still younger, cute and in need of attention. Hence the little dances, etc. It's a desperate cry for help.

Has the mother got any younger kids?

I think if this all happened in the last six months you ought to look very seriously at whether she has been sexually assaulted. Im sorry to say that but : withdrawal, regression, climbing into your bed, refusal to bathe, avoidance of friends, age inappropriate behavior etc… with such sudden onset shrieks of a major retreat from life.

I have raised two girls and well remember those early Tween years. The behavior you are describing is striking. Unless she is decompensating because of an unnoticed and undiagnosed ASD something very frightening happened to her and she can’t cope. She is begging for help.