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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Shared finances woes

144 replies

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 07:18

What do other stepparents do in regards their finances? I have hit a stumbling block with DH and am looking at how we move past it. Please don't come at me saying I resent my DSC or whatever.

So at the moment we put a set amount in a shared account to cover bills, food for everyone and our shared DC costs. This is proportionate to our income (our take home pay).

The rest of our income goes into our own personal accounts to spend however we want.

He is arguing that his maintenance payments should be taken off the income before the split is calculated. I have said if he does this then I will be effectively subsising his maintenance payments. As it is I pay the higher mortgage etc due to the extra rooms etc and all food is paid from joint account.

Other possibly relevant info:
I get paid the child benefit and use this to pay for things for our shared child before using joint money pot.
I work part time at the moment as this keeps nursery cost down. But means I earn less. We want a system in place now as im looking for full time work which will increase my salary considerably and I will be the higher earner at that point.
There are two DSC. They both have hobbies that require funding - he pays for half of this from his "discretionary spend" pot which we both agree should be how it works.

OP posts:
Hongkongsuey · 26/04/2023 07:26

To me it seems fair that it’s taken off-it’s not money that he’s choosing to spend for himself-it’s an ongoing responsibility that you must’ve known about when you met him. You’re partners with a home and child together-the maintenance is another deduction like tax, pension or NI. It’s not ‘subsidising his child’-it’s taking into consideration his actual disposable income.

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 07:42

Hongkongsuey · 26/04/2023 07:26

To me it seems fair that it’s taken off-it’s not money that he’s choosing to spend for himself-it’s an ongoing responsibility that you must’ve known about when you met him. You’re partners with a home and child together-the maintenance is another deduction like tax, pension or NI. It’s not ‘subsidising his child’-it’s taking into consideration his actual disposable income.

I do see that point. But in that case should we both be taking off an amount for our shared DC too?

OP posts:
Qwertyyui · 26/04/2023 07:45

If he was paying personal loans/debts off then would that from his discretionary pot? If so then I think CM comes from that pot too. If all of that is deducted before the calculations then CM needs to be deducted.

It also depends on how it changes the costs to you. Will he have a lot more spare money than you or do you have more spare money than him now? Are you equal with spare money now?

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 07:55

Qwertyyui · 26/04/2023 07:45

If he was paying personal loans/debts off then would that from his discretionary pot? If so then I think CM comes from that pot too. If all of that is deducted before the calculations then CM needs to be deducted.

It also depends on how it changes the costs to you. Will he have a lot more spare money than you or do you have more spare money than him now? Are you equal with spare money now?

We are equal in my opinion but he complains after spending on the DSCs hobbies and taking them out and stuff he has far less. My argument is the extra spending on his DSC should come out his discretionary budget and if I had two extra kids I'd expect less spending money

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 07:56

If he was paying personal loans/debts off then would that from his discretionary pot? yes it would (he isnt) but that's like a phone bill imo

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 26/04/2023 07:59

I think it’s fine to include it with bills. But put aside some money just for your dc.

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:06

snitzelvoncrumb · 26/04/2023 07:59

I think it’s fine to include it with bills. But put aside some money just for your dc.

From which pot?

OP posts:
Gruf · 26/04/2023 08:07

the child tax credits should be put in your account to compensate for free childcare (which he does not provide as he earns a wage instead) and the child maintenance should come out of bills

or

the child maintenance should come out of his account until you’ve a better paying job so not to impact on your finances. If you are doing childcare the child tax credits go into your account

Arucana · 26/04/2023 08:07

We do it another way. All our money goes into a shared pot. We then allocate money to direct debits & other monthly and annual known costs, a percentage into a savings/rainy day fund and then with what’s left, we agreed an equal amount each that gets transferred monthly into our personal accounts as spending money. That are to do with what we want money on a monthly basis. Works well for us.

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:08

I think part of me is a bit annoyed it's like the money he spends on the DSD is ring-fenced and can't be touched - the hobbies and activities he does with them here. But the spending he spends on this household is the one he wants to reduce. So I'm trying to take this emotion out the equation

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 26/04/2023 08:10

We pay a set amount each per month (regardless of income at this point), it comes to me as all the bills are set up from my account and we don't have a joint account. We each have our own DC and a shared DC. After that the rest of our income is in our personal accounts to pay for things that our own respective children need, stuff like our cars, subscriptions, personal purchases, food normally comes out of that too and yes DH's maintenance comes out of his own money after he's contributed to the household.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/04/2023 08:10

Presumably the costs the dsc incur while staying with you are shared (eg increased food bill, entry fees if you go out for the day etc) which is fine. So all he is funding out if his personal pot is the amount that needs to be paid to make up for the fact he doesn't have them 50/50.

So if he wants it to become more affordable, he shouldn't be asking you to fund this, but he should arrange it so that he provides 50% of the children's care.

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:12

Arucana · 26/04/2023 08:07

We do it another way. All our money goes into a shared pot. We then allocate money to direct debits & other monthly and annual known costs, a percentage into a savings/rainy day fund and then with what’s left, we agreed an equal amount each that gets transferred monthly into our personal accounts as spending money. That are to do with what we want money on a monthly basis. Works well for us.

This sounds an interesting approach we could look at. Where do you include the stepchildren in this? Does the maintenance come out the shared pot? I'm not sure I'd be happy with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:13

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/04/2023 08:10

Presumably the costs the dsc incur while staying with you are shared (eg increased food bill, entry fees if you go out for the day etc) which is fine. So all he is funding out if his personal pot is the amount that needs to be paid to make up for the fact he doesn't have them 50/50.

So if he wants it to become more affordable, he shouldn't be asking you to fund this, but he should arrange it so that he provides 50% of the children's care.

No I don't pay for his DSC's entrance fees or holidays they aren't shared

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/04/2023 08:20

If there was no other parent for the DSC, and they lived with you full-time, then would that change how you allocated money? Would you think of any spending on them as his discretionary spending?

Nimbostratus100 · 26/04/2023 08:21

I think paying for his children comes out of his money, not yours

GrumpyPanda · 26/04/2023 08:22

Fully with you on this - you're already paying more on account of the larger house and higher food bills so shouldn't help afford his payments as well.

In addition, you say you're currently working part-time on account of high childcare costs. That of course means you are unilaterally shouldering much of the cost of your shared DC, both in foregone wages and missed pension payments. Does your DH compensate this financial hit to you in any way as part of your shared finance arrangement?

Arucana · 26/04/2023 08:26

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:12

This sounds an interesting approach we could look at. Where do you include the stepchildren in this? Does the maintenance come out the shared pot? I'm not sure I'd be happy with that.

Show quote history

Literally everything comes out of the shared pot yes. We really go into detail with our budgeting as I’m a natural overspender. So we have a direct debt account where money gets transferred into there on pay day and does not get touched by us again, as it all gets taken out by direct debits. We work out current direct debit total and put this in plus 10% to cover small direct debit increases without needing to rebudget.
we then have a number of savings accounts called holiday fund/ house fund /car fund /rainy day fund/ Christmas fund/ birthdays fund/ kids activities etc (we have where we’ve worked out how much we will be spending on these over a year and split it into 12 monthly standing order payments which go out automatically on pay day.
On pay day, an automatic budgeted amount (same for both of us) for personal spending money gets transferred to each of our personal accounts by standing order. This is money we buy things and spend on going out without running past each other.
We then leave the rest in the joint account that pay goes into money that covers that month’s food, petrol etc.
We view it as our money rather than his money or my money and give ourselves equal spending money. This had been the case, when we’ve earned similar, when he’s earned more and when I have. We had separated money till we got engaged and then viewed it as joint.

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:29

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2023 08:20

If there was no other parent for the DSC, and they lived with you full-time, then would that change how you allocated money? Would you think of any spending on them as his discretionary spending?

Hmm.. we'd have to think about that. Probably tbh or a half and half approach. I just think if I'm earning then my savings etc should be for my child.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 08:30

Op

Quite rightly you do not want to pay for his previous children and nor should you.

That is a commitment that is his and his ex’s that they should solely be responsible for.

Do not give in.

spell it out explicitly - having two families was his own doing, he made his bed he should lie in it.

Honestly he has some nerve!! Tell him to ring fence away for his daughter but it won’t be on your dime

Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 08:32

I can’t think of any circumstance where it is acceptable for him to ask you to compensate him due to him being at a disadvantage because he is paying maintenance?!

It’s really not fair, I mean why should you?!

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:33

GrumpyPanda · 26/04/2023 08:22

Fully with you on this - you're already paying more on account of the larger house and higher food bills so shouldn't help afford his payments as well.

In addition, you say you're currently working part-time on account of high childcare costs. That of course means you are unilaterally shouldering much of the cost of your shared DC, both in foregone wages and missed pension payments. Does your DH compensate this financial hit to you in any way as part of your shared finance arrangement?

Hi Grumpy Panda, thank you that is my view. I get the Child Benefit which doesn't make up for missed wages and I make sure to spend this on DC. He doesn't make any compensation- which is why I'm particularly keen that my discretionary spend isn't eaten into. A lot of it I am saving. Once I go to work full time I will be the higher earner so I think that will change how I feel about it. I don't want to end up resentful that "I'm paying for his kids" they have two parents which should be enough the mortgage and food costs sure but maintenance I'm strongly of the opinion it is his cost to shoulder.

OP posts:
KILM · 26/04/2023 08:36

Is he topping up your pension while you are part time? Just another thing to consider.
His kids, his financial responsibility - if you broke up tomorrow his outgoings on their part shouldn't change - he's asking you to subsidise him having more spending money for himself...

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:36

@Quitelikeit thank you yes when I think of it like that it makes be a bit angry! But I want to be fair. Part of me thinks if he's not happy with how much he has left at the end of the month he needs to look at all his outgoings and this should include his spending on the DSC (outside maintenance amount which absolutely mustn't be reduced). But if he thinks he can't afford to pay for their hobbies or he doesn't want to any more then he needs to take that up with their mum.

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 26/04/2023 08:36

DH’s kids are adults so he doesn’t pay child maintenance. However, the adult children(one in particular) has in the past been bailed out by us repeatedly. Because of that, we agreed that everything goes into one pot and then we have our ‘pocket money’ for discretionary expenses. We can never complain about pocket money spending but anything from the joint account needs to be agreed.

We have occasionally bailed DSC out from the joint account. But mostly DH says no because he has realised what a CF she can be. If he said yes, I would almost always expect it to come from his pocket money.

Based on that, I’d say that CM is his bill to pay and shouldn’t be factored into your joint spending.

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