Shared finances woes

[strawberryfluff]

What do other stepparents do in regards their finances? I have hit a stumbling block with DH and am looking at how we move past it. Please don't come at me saying I resent my DSC or whatever.

So at the moment we put a set amount in a shared account to cover bills, food for everyone and our shared DC costs. This is proportionate to our income (our take home pay).

The rest of our income goes into our own personal accounts to spend however we want.

He is arguing that his maintenance payments should be taken off the income before the split is calculated. I have said if he does this then I will be effectively subsising his maintenance payments. As it is I pay the higher mortgage etc due to the extra rooms etc and all food is paid from joint account.

Other possibly relevant info:
I get paid the child benefit and use this to pay for things for our shared child before using joint money pot.
I work part time at the moment as this keeps nursery cost down. But means I earn less. We want a system in place now as im looking for full time work which will increase my salary considerably and I will be the higher earner at that point.
There are two DSC. They both have hobbies that require funding - he pays for half of this from his "discretionary spend" pot which we both agree should be how it works.

No I perhaps wasn't clear. I am already paying more mortgage than I would if DSC weren't there so in my mind that's like paying for the extra roof required for over their heads. When i go full time I will be paying more than DH

I get what you're saying OP. That you had to buy and therefore pay for a bigger house than you would have done if DSC didn't exist, therefore you are contributing to their living arrangements by paying a larger mortgage for a larger house.

That's it yes :)

Yep. I extended my house to accommodate stepkids and now have 100k more of mortgage than I would have done. But the flip side is that I have more value in my house.

He is taking the piss, to be frank.

We don’t share finances at all, we are each named for certain bills and the other transfers their agreed share.

I have never shared finances with any partner, so it’s not an anti step children move. It’s something I have never been willing to do.

I think it's worth considering how much disposable you and DH are thinking about. For example, if - after everything - he is only left with £50 for himself and you have £500 for yourself, you might consider 'helping out' out of kindness. If you feel he has 'enough' personal spending money, or you yourself are short on spending money, or you have roughly equal spending money then I don't think there is a big issue about not helping.

I think 'inequality' is more of an issue than 'who pays what' in and of itself. I belive this is why the 'proportional' splits and 'joint pots' happen to begin with. Proportional and joint pots sometimes don't feel fair for the higher earner especially when there is a big gap and when no kids are involved, because it comes back to subsidising again (I.e., the lower paid person could get a better job, get a second job, spend within their means). I think kindness helps, if it is financially affordable.

You have no responsibility to subsidise, but you might choose to subsidise if you see him struggling and you can afford it. If he isn't struggling or you can't afford it, then it almost feels like a non-issue. It might get psychologically harder when you're the higher earner, rather than easier, as you'll likely be expected to subsidise more.

I think I'd rather, like a PP said, subsidise things as and when if that makes sense?

So absolutely no way would I be splitting maintenance payments out of the joint pot to free up more disposable cash for DH. But that doesn't mean I may not help him pay toward a holiday if he can't afford it, or a day out here and there. I don't want to directly contribute to his exes household by way of maintenance but I will help DH out personally with the odd thing as and when I choose.

I wouldn't want there to be some expectation when it comes to maintenance. Like I've agreed it's equally my responsibility. Almost like you're opening yourself up to being asked to give ex more if OP earns more in the future or pay it if he ex loses his job tomorrow etc.. I just wouldn't want to get directly involved with maintenance payments. It feels different to me than subbing the odd meal out or weekend away because DH can't afford it.

If her partner loses his job, not ex

What you gonna do when the kids are in uni as well OP? Help to pay their rent and expenses?

Yes I totally agree with this. I just don't want the maintenance to be coming from my finances in anyway. Its a principle as much as anything.

He's being really cheeky here.
Put your foot down.
He is responsible for his children not you .

I do wonder why your DH expects you to hand over a chunk of your hard earned cash every month to his ex. Does he understand that that's actually what his preferred way of doing things means in practice?!

Could you show him the difference in actual numbers to illustrate? I.e. by doing it this way I am £x worse off - that's money i could be spending on myself (given I've worked hard for it), spent on / saved for joint DC. Why exactly do you think I should give it to your ex instead please?

No I don't think he does get it. I need a diagram or spreadsheet and I'm sure he will.

i have 1 SD, and 2 shared children with my husband. All day to day costs - food, toiletries, bus pass, birthday/Xmas presents, clothes etc come from the joint account that we both pay a similar amount into. If his daughter wants clothes/ shoes that cost more than the budget we have for them then he tops it up from his personal spending money if he wishes. Maintenance comes from his own money. He also pays pocket money from his own account.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz ·Yesterday 08:39

Before you had a joint dc, did he fully fund his dc?

Yes for maintenance and things outside bills/food.

We paid into joint account an equal amount for everything else. Then once DC came along we split according to income.

>>so why does he think the treatment of maintenance should change now?

I would expect joint money to cover household and the child you share. I would also expect to share the cost of things with the SC when they are with you if you are inclined - or you could expect him to increase his contribution in proportion to the amount of time your household increases in size. I wouldn’t expect to share the cost of his maintenance.

I think men like this believe once their partners become mum's themselves they can just be mum to all of the kids. Easier to expect when she's 'doing it anyway'.

You have a long road ahead of you.

He has 3 children that he needs to pay for and cut his cloth accordingly.

Why on earth would YOU be working full-time to pay another woman maintenance for her children?

Madness.

So his children have 3 people paying for them and you have to pay the greater share for your one child?

He needs to manage his finances better and not be a CF trying to catch you for his maintenance.

Should you even hint at doing this, it will be quickly, conveniently forgotten.

As your child grows, there could well be things that you want to do with them that you can save and afford to do, that he may not be able to afford for his children.

My friend in a similar situation went every year on a holiday with her son and her parents and siblings, cousins etc.
It was a big annual get together and it was always in a pricey location.

Her husband couldn't afford to go, nor bring his children, so she went alone.

She never felt guilty.
Her husband had one on one time with his older children which they enjoyed.

You already are paying to house and feed his children, which is more than enough.

Paying his maintenance is being a mug IMO.

You will need every penny to raise your child as he has so many financial responsibilities that he chose!

I think you are right OP. He needs to suck up the fact that having other kids means he has less money - their expenses shouldn't be anything to do with you, I wouldn't be subsidising.