Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Shared finances woes

144 replies

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 07:18

What do other stepparents do in regards their finances? I have hit a stumbling block with DH and am looking at how we move past it. Please don't come at me saying I resent my DSC or whatever.

So at the moment we put a set amount in a shared account to cover bills, food for everyone and our shared DC costs. This is proportionate to our income (our take home pay).

The rest of our income goes into our own personal accounts to spend however we want.

He is arguing that his maintenance payments should be taken off the income before the split is calculated. I have said if he does this then I will be effectively subsising his maintenance payments. As it is I pay the higher mortgage etc due to the extra rooms etc and all food is paid from joint account.

Other possibly relevant info:
I get paid the child benefit and use this to pay for things for our shared child before using joint money pot.
I work part time at the moment as this keeps nursery cost down. But means I earn less. We want a system in place now as im looking for full time work which will increase my salary considerably and I will be the higher earner at that point.
There are two DSC. They both have hobbies that require funding - he pays for half of this from his "discretionary spend" pot which we both agree should be how it works.

OP posts:
StrictlyJowita · 26/04/2023 11:07

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/04/2023 10:43

I'm with you but things like clothes or days out for all children should come out of joint money.

Why should she pay towards clothes but not towards other expenses like electricity?

Why clothes? Why should the OP go to work to earn money to clothe two children who have two parents already available to buy them clothes?

She's already said she pays if they are on a day out together, she pays towards all of their expenses when they are living with the OP and her dh.

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 11:36

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/04/2023 10:41

He could reduce how much CMS he pays by having his kids half the time. Why isn't he?

Distance from child's school. Mum moved. It was decided between them it was best for them to not have 50/50

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 11:39

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/04/2023 10:43

I'm with you but things like clothes or days out for all children should come out of joint money.

Luckily DH has not suggested I should be clothing his children..wtf

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 11:41

Thank you all for your insights. I think I'll sit down with him and we can go through it on a spreadsheet. His brain likes spreadsheets.

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 26/04/2023 11:42

Why don't you put your money in one pot which all the bills come out including maintenance then you both get an equal amount each of personal money. If he chooses to make extra payments towards his 2 older children then it comes out of his personal money.

Suzannargh · 26/04/2023 11:44

The fact that anyone thinks you should pay his ex to raise her own children is insanity. He’s much better off than he’d be without you, OP! You are in the right.

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 11:46

ArnoldBee · 26/04/2023 11:42

Why don't you put your money in one pot which all the bills come out including maintenance then you both get an equal amount each of personal money. If he chooses to make extra payments towards his 2 older children then it comes out of his personal money.

Because maintenance isn't OPs responsibility?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 26/04/2023 12:03

I dont understand this, surely its simple? You shouldn't have to subsidise his maintenance payments. You might as well pay the maintenance yourself if you do. If you keep your money separate then you wouldn't subsidise his debt payments would you? Ridiculous to expect you to especially if you work part time to benefit your joint child!

JessieJoJames · 26/04/2023 12:07

I wouldn't be happy with his suggested approach. He chose to have kids and should pay for them and will have less disposable income as a result. That is just live - I don't think you should subsidise them especially if you already pay for them when they are in your house from the joint account.

BananaBlue · 26/04/2023 12:28

He will end up with more money once your salary increases won’t he?

Regardless of CM, as you pay into joint bills account in proportion to salary, once your earnings increase his contribution to bills will reduce won’t it?

Chasingadvice · 26/04/2023 12:33

Not your kids not your problem.

He's trying to use you. Ask him for monthly childcare costs for his children as I'm sure you are for them 50% of the time when they are with you.

13Bastards · 26/04/2023 12:35

Even my dickhead of an ex wouldn't have pulled that one. We split 50/50 the mortgage and bills etc, but maintenance was his 'bill' to pay, not ours (and I know it's not a bill I'm just using that as terminology) agree that I wouldn't have had to buy such a big house had they not been in his life etc so my costs were already higher

Current DP is 50/50 with exW so no maintenance. Again we split bills etc but as I am the higher earned I buy all the food shopping including for DSC of course, I would only step in and pay for other stuff he needed something and DP didn't have the funds for some reason at that time but I can't see it happening. Holidays he would pay 2/3 with me picking up the rest, wouldn't occur to him that I should pick up his child's %, think your DH is being a CF personally

vivainsomnia · 26/04/2023 12:38

Our rule was 'same disposable money after all ESSENTIAL bills are paid'. Maintenance is essential so would go in joint.

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 12:49

Chasingadvice · 26/04/2023 12:33

Not your kids not your problem.

He's trying to use you. Ask him for monthly childcare costs for his children as I'm sure you are for them 50% of the time when they are with you.

No I don't do any child care for his kids that aren't also my kids

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 12:50

BananaBlue · 26/04/2023 12:28

He will end up with more money once your salary increases won’t he?

Regardless of CM, as you pay into joint bills account in proportion to salary, once your earnings increase his contribution to bills will reduce won’t it?

Yes absolutely this.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 12:52

vivainsomnia · 26/04/2023 12:38

Our rule was 'same disposable money after all ESSENTIAL bills are paid'. Maintenance is essential so would go in joint.

I can't bring myself to let the maintenance go out of the joint account I have paid into. I just can't. It goes against every fibre of my being. Our options are either: we pay in proportionate to take home pay. Or we pay in proportionate to take home pay (minus maintenance).

OP posts:
Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 26/04/2023 12:54

Am I right in thinking that when maintenance is worked out that they don’t take into account household income as a whole, just the parent of the children?

It’s his expense.

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 12:55

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 26/04/2023 12:54

Am I right in thinking that when maintenance is worked out that they don’t take into account household income as a whole, just the parent of the children?

It’s his expense.

Yes that's absolutely right and very important to me. My income should have NOTHING to do with how much he pays.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 12:59

Glad you are standing your ground op!!!!!

Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 13:00

Try not to get too worked up with him though as MN can do that to people 😆😆

Irisandillies · 26/04/2023 13:06

Included for me, I think uou should aim to have the same disposable income after all bills are paid.

Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 13:06

Quitelikeit · 26/04/2023 13:00

Try not to get too worked up with him though as MN can do that to people 😆😆

Ha yes I get that impression. We'll just sit down with a spreadsheet and go through it. Once it's sorted it's sorted we won't obsess with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 13:07

Irisandillies · 26/04/2023 13:06

Included for me, I think uou should aim to have the same disposable income after all bills are paid.

Why do you think this? He has more children than me. Genuinely wondering.

OP posts:
BananaBlue · 26/04/2023 13:09

So what’s his problem? I’d calculate how much his disposable will increase by, hopefully alleviating the pinch.

Im on the fence regarding whether CM should be from joint income, but living in a pooled (nuclear) household I’ve also never really understood his/her money, one person being skint* the other in feast.

Also, doesn’t affect you as they are young but if DSC near end of maintenance which has been paid out of his money, does he then ringfence that as disposable?

*I’m not a lover of proportional splits as I think it disadvantages the lower earner usually the woman. Woman earns 2k, man earns 4K. 3k Bills split 60:40, she would have less disposable even though reduced contribution. If my rough calls are right F would have 800 against m 1200

Irisandillies · 26/04/2023 13:09

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 13:07

Why do you think this? He has more children than me. Genuinely wondering.

Show quote history

Because I believe as a couple it’s important you’ve the same discretionary spend and can live equally.

Swipe left for the next trending thread