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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step parents who cross the line

57 replies

Tulip630 · 18/04/2023 14:31

I wasn’t sure where to post this but I’m looking for advice from step parents or anyone who is/has been in my position.
I have an almost 13 year old and I’m 6 months pregnant. My 13 year old has limited contact with her dad because he chose to move far away and doesn’t drive. He is married and has a child with his wife. My 13 year old goes to visit once every 3 months (his request) whilst I don’t agree with the minimal contact I no longer involve myself in the arrangements as she is old enough to chose.
His wife has been texting my daughter in between visits. I had no idea but I also don’t mind as she sees her as a big sister to confide in about boys etc. (only 10 years between them)
My daughter has shown me messages that her stepmother has been speaking about me in an appalling way to her, calling me names, telling her that I don’t know who my baby’s father is and that I earn my money from onlyfans (I actually work in a bank to assure you all it’s not true), and generally saying I am a bad mother and she should live with them.
Distraught is not the word im feeling. Im hurt that someone I barely know would say this when she has no clue about my parenting and most of all that she has said it directly to my child.
She has also encouraged her to try cigarettes in secret and to lose her virginity at a young age to be cool in her friendship group. I have forwarded these messages to her dad to ask why his wife feels this is appropriate.
In this situation how would you deal with it? The natural reaction is to be angry and react accordingly but I know this isn’t the best thing for my daughter to see. Would you refuse further contact with the stepmother being present? I need to keep her safe from this very obviously irresponsible woman but I don’t want to jeopardise time with her dad and brother.

OP posts:

Irritateandunreasonable · 18/04/2023 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aSofaNearYou · 18/04/2023 14:33

I was going to suggest forwarding the messages to her dad, but you've done that. What did he say?

CalpolDependant · 18/04/2023 14:36

Without notice, emergency Prohibited Steps Order that prevents the woman from having contact with your daughter while your daughter has contact with her father. It can be in place for the next 5 years. The judge will almost certainly grant one in the interim, as you have written evidence and then order a cafcass investigation to determine whether it needs to be made permanent.

In the mean time, you obviously block this woman from your daughter’s phone.

Original poster

Tulip630 · 18/04/2023 14:38

I wish it was fake but unfortunately I can’t out myself by proving otherwise so I’d appreciate advice not unnecessary accusations.
He hasn’t replied yet.
I have forwarded all messages to my phone and blocked her. I wasn’t aware there was a legal route for this so I appreciate this information.

OP posts:

GoodnightJude1 · 18/04/2023 14:40

I’d block her and my DD wouldn’t be going to stay with her again. Ever. If her dad wants contact he can come and visit her.

TheSnowyOwl · 18/04/2023 14:41

I’d change your daughter’s phone number and tell her that she is not to give it to her stepmother. Her father can have it, but on the same proviso. Then get a PSO as above.

Lastnamedidntstick · 18/04/2023 14:41

i’d contact social services. If this is true this woman is a risk to your child, and possibly also to her own.

I’d want the professionals in to safeguard all and any children she has contact with.

in the meantime refuse all unsupervised contact.

Laurdo · 18/04/2023 14:41

Ask your DD to block her from her phone. I can't imagine your DD takes kindly to someone slagging off her mum. And surely she can see that encouraging her to try cigarettes and have sex at 13 is very wrong. I'd reiterate that this is irresponsible behaviour and she shouldn't be doing that.

What does your DD think about it all?

What has her father's response been?

Original poster

Tulip630 · 18/04/2023 14:46

Thank you everyone I know my thinking was right but part of me felt that if I stop contact I am in the wrong. My daughter isn’t happy about the name calling and this is what lead her to show me. She didn’t see an issue with the other comments unfortunately as she is easily lead and thinks it’s cool someone older is condoning such behaviour. I have had a long chat with her but I don’t feel she is safe there anymore. Her dad hasn’t responded yet.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 18/04/2023 14:49

Lastnamedidntstick · 18/04/2023 14:41

i’d contact social services. If this is true this woman is a risk to your child, and possibly also to her own.

I’d want the professionals in to safeguard all and any children she has contact with.

in the meantime refuse all unsupervised contact.

Absolutely SS.

I would also think about contacting 101.

She has encouraged a 13 child to engage in a risky sexual behaviour which would put her in danger.

Absolutely to be reported.

aSofaNearYou · 18/04/2023 14:52

Is there any chance her dad will take it seriously?

If not, I guess I'd tell him he needs to come visit her in future rather than the other way around.

Original poster

Tulip630 · 18/04/2023 14:53

Thank you I have text her dad to inform him I will report it as he still hasn’t responded after reading my message at lunchtime. I will log it with the police now.
I don’t need this stress whilst pregnant I have already had some complications recently. I’m worried my daughter will be turned against me. Her dad has no where else he can take her for their visits so they will have to stop because I can’t trust that he will make his wife stay away from her. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it.

OP posts:

purpleboy · 18/04/2023 15:35

Gosh this is horrific.

You've had some good advice here, I hope her dad isn't ignoring you but is speaking to his wife to get her side of things before he get back in touch with you. Hopefully he will take this seriously, but in the meantime you've done the right thing.

Laurdo · 18/04/2023 15:48

Can he not meet her somewhere? Take her for lunch at a cafe or restaurant and go do an activity together.

Regardless, her safety and wellbeing is more important that her seeing her dad, especially if he's not willing to act on this.

testtrout · 18/04/2023 15:50

Report to children's services. It's the best way to get everything investigated and ensure safety of all children involved. This needs to be recorded as encouraging sexual activity in a 13 year old is extremely concerning. Imagine if this was a step father! you wouldn't think twice.

OriGanOver · 18/04/2023 15:59

I had a similar experience with my dd's dads then gf a few years ago. Not so much encouraging her to have sex and smoke but really inappropriate and slagging me off and slagging dds dad off. I forwarded the msgs and didn't react to ex. He got back to me later that evening having dumped her and was totally apologetic. I hope you have the same result!

TidyDancer · 18/04/2023 16:04

It's hard to believe anyone would think this is appropriate! It's really awful! I would like to think your ex is bollocking the moron of a woman he is married to and not just ignoring you. But she does need reporting regardless as this is a safeguarding issue and she has access to other children.

aSofaNearYou · 18/04/2023 16:05

OriGanOver · 18/04/2023 15:59

Thing is he's not just going to dump her immediately because he is married and has a child with her.

But hopefully they are at least arguing!

cestlavielife · 18/04/2023 16:07

Screenshot and tlreport to safeguarding You can go to safeguarding lead at school.
These are highly inappropriatd if she is really sending them
It will likely trigger investigation but you hzve to protect dd

You coukd say thatvthe outcone you want is for her to see her dad separayely if that is 2hat she wants

Weallgottachangesometime · 18/04/2023 16:08

This is so awful!!
I think how I proceed going forward with contact would depend on the fathers response. If he was also appalled and suggested ways to maintain constant without the step-mother I’d be happy for him to continue having contact so long as the step-mum wasn’t there (presumably she could go to a family members) or your ex could take daughter away for a weekend somewhere for a trip etc.
However if he minimises or ignores the issue then really he can’t be trusted to manage the risk.

Sounds like she was grooming your daughter. Horrible. I wonder if the school can do some work with her around recognising signs or grooming/red flags etc.

billy1966 · 18/04/2023 16:34

SS, the police, and safe guarding at school.

They all need to be involved.

Be so glad she showed you.

This is really shocking.

Do not take on any guilt or shame.

Your daughter is a child.

She needs protection from someone who would clearly see her harmed.

Original poster

Tulip630 · 18/04/2023 16:36

Thanks again everyone. I have spoken to a police officer who will be contacting ex and his wife. He still hasn’t responded to my messages. I have also spoken to her school so they can safeguard her, it’s unlikely they would approach her at school but I feel better knowing they now can’t. Also removed from emergency contact. You have all helped me feel better for acting on it and not feeling like an ott parent as my pregnancy hormones are fogging my judgement lately. It’s unlikely he will leave her.

OP posts:

Lastnamedidntstick · 18/04/2023 16:39

I think how I proceed going forward with contact would depend on the fathers response

nope.

she has children. She may have contact with other children, play dates etc if not through work or hobbies.

she has been sexually inappropriate with a child, and been complicit in risk taking behaviour.

she needs reporting to social services. End of.

Tealsofa · 18/04/2023 16:42

billy1966 · 18/04/2023 14:49

Absolutely SS.

I would also think about contacting 101.

She has encouraged a 13 child to engage in a risky sexual behaviour which would put her in danger.

Absolutely to be reported.

Show quote history

I agree with this - you need to report this and stop contact

"She has also encouraged her to try cigarettes in secret and to lose her virginity at a young age to be cool in her friendship group."

cestlavielife · 18/04/2023 16:51

Well done for reporting.
Be preparedfor you and dd to be interviewed. Keep the screenshots.
Do not engage with ex or his wife if he calls to rant at you.
Silence his calls
Do not send dd for contact til this is investigated
Tell dd she did the right thing to tell you

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