Step parents who cross the line

[Tulip630]

I wasn’t sure where to post this but I’m looking for advice from step parents or anyone who is/has been in my position.
I have an almost 13 year old and I’m 6 months pregnant. My 13 year old has limited contact with her dad because he chose to move far away and doesn’t drive. He is married and has a child with his wife. My 13 year old goes to visit once every 3 months (his request) whilst I don’t agree with the minimal contact I no longer involve myself in the arrangements as she is old enough to chose.
His wife has been texting my daughter in between visits. I had no idea but I also don’t mind as she sees her as a big sister to confide in about boys etc. (only 10 years between them)
My daughter has shown me messages that her stepmother has been speaking about me in an appalling way to her, calling me names, telling her that I don’t know who my baby’s father is and that I earn my money from onlyfans (I actually work in a bank to assure you all it’s not true), and generally saying I am a bad mother and she should live with them.
Distraught is not the word im feeling. Im hurt that someone I barely know would say this when she has no clue about my parenting and most of all that she has said it directly to my child.
She has also encouraged her to try cigarettes in secret and to lose her virginity at a young age to be cool in her friendship group. I have forwarded these messages to her dad to ask why his wife feels this is appropriate.
In this situation how would you deal with it? The natural reaction is to be angry and react accordingly but I know this isn’t the best thing for my daughter to see. Would you refuse further contact with the stepmother being present? I need to keep her safe from this very obviously irresponsible woman but I don’t want to jeopardise time with her dad and brother.

The new wife sounds very immature herself! Her dad is a coward if she doesn't respond either. My DD dad winds me up sometimes and we fal out but never would we bad mouth each other to DD. If he did she would tell me instantly and him cause she hates all that sort of stuff. I hope you and DD are okay xxx

She doesn’t sound immature. She sounds like a predator.

That's appalling. Your poor daughter. I'm really glad you've reported it and hope she gets a bollocking at the very least.

I appreciate the support, very nervous about what is to come. I never expected it to blow up in this way over a supposed innocent chat about being a teen. I thought I could trust this woman as despite my ex and I not seeing eye to eye much, I trusted his judgement on choosing a trustworthy partner.

@Lastnamedidntstick your absolutely right. Why would anyone say these things to a 13 year old! Just fucking weird! Xx

Please do reassure your dd she has done nothing wrong and she can always talk to you about anything.

The police and social services may wish to talk to her which will be very unnerving, do you have a trusted friend who could sit in with her if they want to speak to her away from you? Or perhaps a teacher? When my friends children had to be interviewed about their dad they wanted to speak to them away from my friend so the defence (went to court) couldn't claim parental alienation and the children lying.

I would suggest demanding, effective immediately, that any contact with her father is not with the stepmother obviously and under the supervision of another adult eg grandparents, aunt/uncle or trusted family friend you know.

I wonder if she doesn't want your daughter around so has done this thinking she's bound to show you, and you'll stop her seeing her dad.

Killjoys that’s a very good point I hadn’t considered, I know she doesn’t like her at their house often and had deliberately turned the spare bedroom into a walk in wardrobe so my daughter couldn’t have a bed there. Her dad is a wet lettuce and does whatever his wife says so despite the evidence he will believe I made it up.
Im just waiting for contact from anyone I have spoken to now, including her dad who is still silent.

Not a lot shocks me but this has.
You've played this completely right.
Update us if anything happens, good luck ❤️

Wow thats awful I hope he is quiet because he is kicking her out!

That's an option. Maybe she's trying to sabotage the relationship between father and daughter.

This.

Point out to her df that you have the messages saved, that his wife has shown herself to be dishonest, toxic and not fit to be in contact with an impressionable child. Parental alienation is not allowed and the courts will take a very dim view.

In future, contact will be done your way, no negotiation.

Tell the police and social care. Do not allow anything other than supervised contact without the wife there. This is truly appalling. I would never let my dd be around that woman again.

I have had a response from her dad that he is sorry and will speak to his wife. He claims he didn’t know they text each other. I’m not buying it and the sorry is meaningless when he should be as angry as me. I just thank the stars he rarely contacts my daughter anyway. I’m waiting to hear from the police but I understand it can take a while for anything to come of it.

Wow.

Imagine if your husband/partner were advising your 12 year old daughter to lose her virginity soon. Would her dad be as cool about that?

Indeed this may be the case.

Encouraging an underage child to put themselves in danger is very serious.

I agree with the word predator being used.

In your place I would be kicking up as big a fuss as is possible and as she has a child herself, see how she likes SS, and the police involved in HER life.

Whatever her motives, she will not have expected the blowback of SS and the police at her door and looking into her business.

I would be so furious at her actions I would absolutely make every effort to have her put in the spotlight for her actions and to make this as uncomfortable for them both as is possible.

I wouldn't believe her father that he didn't know they were in contact.

I would be letting his family know what has occurred and that it is now in the hands of the police AFTER the police have engaged with you, and I wouldn't hesitate in providing them with screenshots of the messages she saw fit to send to their relative.

She is one ugly person and the fact that someone who lives with her father clearly wishes her harm, means all bets would be off when it comes to making things really uncomfortable for her.

....bloody wonky phone cut me off.

What if he found on your dd's phone, text conversations between her and your husband/partner, slagging him off?

He should be furious and you are right to be.

What interferes with dd and her dad's relationship is the lacklustre effort from her dad. His choice to move so far away (with encouragement from his wife - are they nearer her family?) only see his child a few times a year.

Genuinely, an evil stepmother. Vile behaviour from an immature idiot who sounds like she is still in her teens, but then she is only just out if them to be fair.

Sorry, is he? He'll soon find out how fucking sorry.

Thank you, you’ve summed up how I’m feeling to a T. If it were my partner then her dad would certainly call the police, but as it’s a woman he is clearly overlooking it. I fully intend to fight tooth and nail, I would prefer her dad to work with me not against me, but I’ll leave it in the hands of the professionals to take the right actions.

Pleased your DD has you on her side

This makes sense.
If the SM transformed the spare bedroom into a walk-in closet and generally doesnt seem to like when the girl visits, why would she ask her to come live with them? I dont think shes a predator, I think shes just very stupid and I bet she didnt expect this kind of consequence!

About the father not knowing about texting, its possible. My DP wouldnt know that I sometimes text my SD if I didnt tell him.

Im really sorry this happened to you and your daughter! I dislike my SDs mother for several reasons (its mutual), but I would NEVER say anything negative about her to my SD.

Maybe she is trying to encourage her to live with them so she can babysit! Regardless it's great that you are taking steps to protect your child.

I also think the SM was trying to be sly and was hoping your DD would show you the messages and stop contact. So your stopping contact OP is likely the outcome she wanted. So be it.

Now bring the full force of the law on her head and let her go through hell with SS and the police for grooming your DD. It also beggars belief how your XH would stay married to someone so nasty. Well done OP for taking action and well done your DD for having the courage to show you the messages.

I'd let your daughters school know, contact social services etc and as someone said consider an interim order. I'm an ex secondary school teacher and if a pupil divulged messages such as this to me, regardless of whether they were sent by another pupil, step parent or even parent... to me it's grooming and I would refer it to the safe guarding lead. The nasty messages about you are bad enough and warrant getting an interim order and further advise since it appears she is trying to alienate you. But the stuff about sec and cigarettes is grooming. Good luck with it all xx the step mum sounds a right nut job xx

You’ve done the right thing. He can deny knowledge but he is still culpable, he’s not an innocent in all this as he has allowed some of this behaviour in front of him.