How do you deal with selective eaters?

[worklifesupport]

DH and I have been together for 2 years and living together for 1. SD is currently 5 and lives with us 50/50.

We love having SD come and stay with us.
We are currently struggling with mealtimes.
Meal times are becoming harder to plan for. SD has a very limited selection of foods that she will eat. Over Christmas (which coincided with her mum moving house) she announced a new group of foods that she no longer wanted to eat, meaning we were down to: chicken nuggets, pizza, chips, cheese, pasta and peas.

From what I can understand, the selective eating began when DH spilt with his ex 3 years ago, but is getting worse.

Last night was incredibly hard. We were at DH's parents house and SD said that she was hungry. SD wasn't keen on any of the options. So I offered to go out and get McDonalds. SD refused to eat the fries saying that she no longer liked chips (and she also told us that she didn't like peas anymore either). It was a challenge trying to get her to eat anything. Not even a chip race ,which was fool proof a few weeks ago, worked. I never thought that we would be at the stage where McDonalds was a challenge.

We have tried everything (I think). We now eat meals together at the table. We all eat mostly the same food. I make sure that there is something that SD likes on her plate. I try and involve her in the cooking process (she thoroughly enjoys this). I separate foods which contain sauces. I use different cooking methods to try and avoid any burnt bits. I do panko crusted chicken nuggets for a healthier alternative. I give manageable portion sizes. DH isn't the most confident cook (usually defaults chicken nuggets and pasta) so it's up to me to try and get creative.

All meals are met with comments of 'This is disgusting' or 'I want to go back to Mum's house'. I know not to take these comments personally or to respond to them in the moment, but it's taking a toll mentally. I don't know where else to turn or what to try next.

Any advice, support or recipe suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Are you on good enough terms with her mum to talk to her about how she manages it?

Make other food available but just give her what she wants. She will slowly grow out of it but at her age and given the circumstances it's probably going to take a while.
Everything you're doing sounds perfect.

If you can I'd try to get the same brand of foods she eats at her Mum's and make sure she has 'safe' foods at every meal. She might have been anxious about eating at her grandparents, maybe just keep an eye on that and see if it happens again. I know some people with selective eaters who take their own foods with them, I don't personally need to do that because mine both eat pizza quite reliably but I do on occasion e.g. to save the host from having to cook multiple meals.

Unfortunately not. DH and his ex are not currently on good terms. Hoping that they can resolve this in the coming months. I try and ask SD what she eats when she is not with us, but this doesn't tell us a lot.

If you can't get the information from her Mum can you or DH take SD to the supermarket and get her to pick some things she recognises?

I just give mine what they want and don’t make any fuss, its really important that meal times and food in general isn’t a stressful experience.

Thank you, I really hope so. I just hope that we will be over the worst of it soon.

What's difficult is that there is no consistent approach except to facilitate her eating what she wants, and not what is good to her. What I can tell you is setting the standard for when she comes to you is important and that isn't going to MD. All kids will eat eventually when hungry

That's a great idea. We will definitely try that. Thank you

How is everything else? Relationship with dad and you. What does she enjoy? School etc. Hard to comment about food issues without more information. How is her weight? Herd dad really needs to find out how she eats with her mum etc does she want to be more at her mums? 50/50 is hard for children.

Even this is sometimes stressful. Even with food she likes and has requested, she immediately asks how much she has to eat before she can have a pudding.

Surely the answer is just “as much as you can manage”?

Op, in her life where things are decided and out of her control, what she eats is something she CAN control.
roll with it, give her safe foods, keep doing what you are doing, offer beige foods, they are often safe. Separate foods, try to find a fruit and vegetable she will eat.
take the pressure off, offer choices but give her the control.
if mum and dad have a difficult relationship she will be picking up on this… she may also be being fed negative about you.
keep meals/foods light and without stress…
it does get better but may take longer than you anticipate 😊

I would just put the food out, some things she likes and whatever you’re having, and ignore any further comments. I would maybe stop having puddings everyday if you think that’s causing issues. We don’t have daily puddings at my house. And any comments like this is disgusting/I don’t eat this anymore/I want xyz I’d just brush off or ignore. I’d imagine this is about attention or control. Make sure it’s not getting her either of those. Don’t run about trying to persuade her to have McDonald’s or do chip races or whatever. Just provide food, and allow her to decide to eat it or not.

And get her dad as involved as possible, he needs to cook for her, take her to the supermarket, get her to eat.
she wants her parents, not some woman her dad lives with, even if you are nice and caring and kind

Very well said.

Don't give the fussy eating any attention. Put stuff she likes (and has previously liked) in front of her and let her get on with it, even if she doesn't eat much. I agree with other posters that this is an area of her life that she can control when there's so much else happening that she can't. I think it will settle in time too.
It sounds like you're doing a great job involving her in the cooking, letting her choose the food in the supermarket. Could you help her cook for a friend or two that she invites over, for a play date tea? (especially if it's the friends favourite food!)

Everything with us is really good. We make a fantastic partnership. SD is very sociable and so easy to get on with and play with. She loves pets and is doing well in school. She does say that she doesn't like the food at school. She is slim but not worryingly so. Relationship with DH and ex (and ex's family) is up and down but very strained at the minute. I am really hoping that they can resolve this and start discussing more about SD. SD often gets upset when going from one house to another so I think transitions are hard.

One of my grandchildren is like this , they are 11 . They will grow out of it , we all take the long view , no stress . Can I say our child excels at sport and has been given a place at one of the top grammar schools.so no damage .I know it’s frustrating, just offer choices and wait it out . Do you know if she’s the same at mums ? Or is it a protest at 50/50 ? From the timings you give , you were on the scene very quickly, is she laying blame at your door? And trying to establish some control? Either way , all you can do is encourage, but not make it a big deal .

That would be my answer too. But when DH says this, it is met with tears. She wants a (small) number of mouthfuls/pieces that she has to eat.

As the parent of a child with an eating disorder it sounds like you are doing a great job. The key is to stay relaxed and don't make good an issue. I would follow any rules she has about how food is served ie not touching, separate bowls etc. keep a list of her safe food and make sure at any meal there's 1 or 2 available. You can throw in a maybe food but don't pressure to try. See if there's ways you can sneak stuff in - smoothies or milkshakes are often a good way. If she will have gravy you could try blending veg into it. Does she take a multi vitamin. ? Read up on AFRID see if her eating sounds like that. Dont pressure to finish but do leave food out a bit incase she will go back to it. Lots of chat /easy talk at table and don't watch her eat. If you do pudding offer it. Same with snacks. If you are really concerned about weight/nutrients do go gp for referral.

This probably isn’t actually about food. It started when her parents separated and is getting worse, coinciding with events that are stressful and cause more upheaval
in her life.

It sounds like she’s trying to gain control by narrowing down what she will eat. Maybe there needs to be a big change in approach generally so she can feel safe. And potentially some play therapy to help her to understand her feelings.

This isn't true.

I was an arfid sufferer, although it wasn't recognised back in the dark ages when I was a child, as was my dd (when thankfully it was recognised).

Thank you, that is very reassuring. Your grandchild sounds like they are doing extremely well. You must be incredibly proud.

From what she tells us, it is a similar situation at mum's but not as extreme.

I'm really unsure if she is laying the blame on me. We get on very well otherwise and enjoy playing together. We waited for me to be introduced and I was introduced slowly. But I know that ex's family (not ex as far as I am aware) have taken issue with our relationship - they hoped DH and ex would get back together. So it is entirely possible.

Thank you, we will keep on trying.

This sounds like an emotional reaction rather than a taste/physical one, as she's now rejecting food that she used to eat.

What came over in your post was the "I...I...I...I...". By which I mean you listed all the (lovely) things YOU were trying to do to resolve the issue while your DH stood idly by.

Daddy can't cook? Time he learnt. Make it into a project for Daddy and daughter to do together.

"Daddy can't cook and because you're such a big and helpful girl now, you are going to help him learn. So today Daddy & DSD are going to go to pick out some recipes and then Daddy and DSD are going to go to the shops together, alone, and buy the ingredients for those and then Daddy and DSD together are going to prepare and cook those recipes and then you can tell Daddy if he's done a good job by whether you enjoy eating the food he's cooked."

She is crying out for help, attention and love from her Dad after the separation and he is passing the burden of this onto you OP, so DSD is rebelling.

Get your DH to actually parent and be involved (not just sat at the table) and when their relationship has improved, I'll bet the eating will too.