How do you deal with selective eaters?

[worklifesupport]

DH and I have been together for 2 years and living together for 1. SD is currently 5 and lives with us 50/50.

We love having SD come and stay with us.
We are currently struggling with mealtimes.
Meal times are becoming harder to plan for. SD has a very limited selection of foods that she will eat. Over Christmas (which coincided with her mum moving house) she announced a new group of foods that she no longer wanted to eat, meaning we were down to: chicken nuggets, pizza, chips, cheese, pasta and peas.

From what I can understand, the selective eating began when DH spilt with his ex 3 years ago, but is getting worse.

Last night was incredibly hard. We were at DH's parents house and SD said that she was hungry. SD wasn't keen on any of the options. So I offered to go out and get McDonalds. SD refused to eat the fries saying that she no longer liked chips (and she also told us that she didn't like peas anymore either). It was a challenge trying to get her to eat anything. Not even a chip race ,which was fool proof a few weeks ago, worked. I never thought that we would be at the stage where McDonalds was a challenge.

We have tried everything (I think). We now eat meals together at the table. We all eat mostly the same food. I make sure that there is something that SD likes on her plate. I try and involve her in the cooking process (she thoroughly enjoys this). I separate foods which contain sauces. I use different cooking methods to try and avoid any burnt bits. I do panko crusted chicken nuggets for a healthier alternative. I give manageable portion sizes. DH isn't the most confident cook (usually defaults chicken nuggets and pasta) so it's up to me to try and get creative.

All meals are met with comments of 'This is disgusting' or 'I want to go back to Mum's house'. I know not to take these comments personally or to respond to them in the moment, but it's taking a toll mentally. I don't know where else to turn or what to try next.

Any advice, support or recipe suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Sorry to say it but does she want to be in one home all week rather than two? Any other children at yours, any other children at mums? I think you are doing the right things about providing safe foods, taking pressure off etc. Try and reduce pressure further. I think communication with mum is key and deciding if this is the best set up for her.

How do you deal with selective eaters?

I don't is the answer. Like PP any talk of 'I hate this' or 'I don't eat this now' is brushed over and not given attention to. There are always some foods they like on offer but they don't getting dictate the meal we eat. Also like pp, puddings are not every day.

In your case it sounds like this is all about control from a kid who has none. Food is something she has learned can give her power to be heard and change things.

This is about his child's welfare - he dad needs to request firmly a discussion with her mum about foods and in particular if she's refusing healthy foods there, if there's other factors etc. not being in good terms is irrelevant, welfare comes first. They need a united approach to deal with this and it's not feed her what she demands.

My dd1 was a terrible eater, she's autistic, but I persevered and never accepted her eating processed beige foods as a diet, we ate as a family together. It's baby steps and expect her to protest but persevere. The only veg dd would do at one point was peas, that's fine, but when she refused them I wouldn't allow her to leave them - you have to draw a line. We added two more veg this week to the approved list, she is in her 20's!

My son is very like this even down to the how many bites until pudding. I always say to have some of everything and his all his fruit then give him pudding. But if pudding is something sweet I keep the portion tiny. I also leave his left over food out while he eats pudding and sometimes he will eat a few more bits after.

Offer things she likes and things you think she might like. Put in variation where you can even if it’s just presentation.

Don't make pudding the treat at the end of the meal, offer it at the same time.

Food is food.

I quite like this Instagram which talks about feeding kids:

instagram.com/kids.eat.in.color?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

OP you sound like a lovely stepmum.
Firstly you sound like you are handling this really kindly and carefully.
secondly 50/50 life is extremely difficult for children and especially when their parents don’t live extremely close by to each other and aren’t extremely able to cooperate and communicate amicably together about handovers and whatever’s going on for the children.

It’s not typical these days for a court to award 50/50 custody, outside of these favourable and protective circumstances I believe, because of the evidenced risks for children.

I would start by taking her to the GP and talking to her school teacher to see what support is available to her. This is a signal of real distress coming from your SD and she needs support.
Weekly play therapy sounds good to try.
The things I would be concerned about looking into would be either that this is a serious reaction to trauma of the lead up, the split and possibility that custody arrangements are not working for her.

Secondly the poster who mentioned ARFID is right to raise it. This sounds very much like the autistic picky eaters in my family. It could be worth thinking about that your SD may have autism too. Look up information around girls and autism. Even if she hasn’t got any diagnoses, there’s nothing to stop you trying some of the techniques with her just in case it helps her. Finally don’t forget to source some good emotional support for yourself. These things are really stressful to deal with. Good luck to you.

This might be a big part of the problem. Had a long, long journey with SD and fussy eating. One of the big issues was that her mum would use bribery to get her to eat small amounts of e.g. veg. IMO all this does is set up a dynamic where healthy food is a chore and sugary food is the reward. This also ends up with children eating sugary desserts on a daily basis.

For us it was a long road to teaching SD that food isn't supposed to be a treat. It's not about having your favorite food at every meal. It's normal to eat a variety of different foods, some you like more than others, because that's what the body wants you to do.

I will say it was an uphill struggle here as every time SD would go back to mum's, for a long time any positive progress would be undone and she would almost be back to square one again - because her mum completely panders to her. But over the years as she has been repeatedly exposed to all kinds of food, she now likes a much wider variety of foods

We did similar to you, sit at mealtime, everyone has the same. We stopped having a safe option on the plate quite quickly as in our case. It became clear quite quickly that she can eat all kinds of foods really, she was mainly trying it on to get her favorites as essentially she had been spoiled.

In your situation though, I would worry that it is you doing all the cooking vs the 'i want to go back to mum's' comment. Of course she could be saying this for effect, but I personally think it would be better for your DH to make the effort to learn to cook and learn about nutrition, so he would be the one leading on this. Food is a minefield of emotion and control and I think his parents should be leading this.

I would not recommend what others said about getting the same food at her mum's. It would be good to know what she eats there though, as our SD would eat a lot of healthy food here but pretend otherwise to her mum. I wouldn't give too much control to SD and make it a power struggle.

I should add we don't have puddings here frequently. Obviously if a child eats lots of dinner and still hungry we will give them something else after, but not a sugary reward type pudding. Sometimes we have eg plain yogurt and/or fruit, or even some carrots or rice cake, but it's not a given or a reward.

I also wonder if there is a positive way for her dad to give her attention for something else? A hobby?

It's definitely being done as a control thing rather than an aversion to food. My mum fosters and this is a common tactic from kids in a bid to have some control over their lives. It doesn't matter how much you pander to it it will never be good enough because its not about the food. They'll like something one day and hate it the next.

We went through a phase with DSD when she was 4 where she's just cry at dinner time. We tried loads of the same things as you, involving her in cooking etc. We changed things up a bit and now have no issues although she is atill quite a limited eater. When she came home from nursery we'd give her a snack to tide her over until dinner. We stopped doing that and now when she comes home from nursery and says she's hungry she gets her dinner. She doesn't have to eat all her dinner but the rule is if she doesn't eat a reasonable amount then she can't then come and ask for a snack/Icecream later. If you're too full for dinner you're too full for snacks.

What time are you having dinner? 5/6pm can be quite late for 5yo. It's close to their bedtime and being tired isn't going to help with eating. It's a shame we cant have mealtime together but it's what works for us. Then me DH and SS16 have dinner once shes in bed. On weekends we'll often have dinner together.

I disagree that involving mum will make a difference. Even if you get the same brands as mum there'll be something wrong with it at your house because it's not about the food.

DSDs used to tell us "well my mummy gives me cereal for dinner" and it was met with "well that's up to mum in her house but it our house cereal is not for dinner" or simply "do I look like mum?"

DSDs mum has fewer boundaries with her and will give in for an easy life. She still has issues with DSD eating, sleeping in her own bed and has complained to DH about her behaviour being bad. We never have any issues with her behaviour and she has always slept in her own bed everynight and right through the night. Kids need rules and boundaries not constantly pnafered to.

I usually give DSD a choice and if she doesn't want either shes told that thats the options so pick one or I'll pick. We generally stick to things she likes so there's minimal fuss during the week but at weekends when we have family dinners we'll challenge her more with new foods.

You sound like a great stepmum. Divorce can be difficult for kids but keep doing when you're doing. She will likely push boundaries with you, especially if she likes you because she'll want to test you to see if you'll stay or leave her. It'll die down eventually.

Also, we do a reward chart with DSD and she loves it. He have no issues with her behaviour or eating but wanted to encourage her to be more independent. She was involved in picking the tasks she has to complete and she also chooses the rewards at the end of the week.

Could you try this with your DSD? Make eating dinner one of her tasks and let her pick some others like making her bed in the morning, getting herself dressed etc. Let her pick the treats for each number of stars she gets.

Also, DSD will say she wants her mum when she's not getting her own way but her mum has said the same thing. That she asks for dad or says she's going to tell daddy on her. So I wouldn't be surprised if you DSDs mum isn't getting the same.

I think this sounds like it's getting into eating disorder territory. This isn't something that you can deal with alone and nor should you try.

You seem to make a lot of excuses for your husband. He can't cook, he can't talk to his ex. It's not really an option for him to not do these things now, he's a dad and his daughter is at risk of becoming seriously ill so he needs to step up and act like a parent.

Lastly, commenting "this is disgusting" on something someone has taken the time to cook for you is really rude. There are much more polite ways to express that something isn't to her taste. Your husband should be pulling her up on this.

Have her friends round to do a 'taste challenge' and use the power of social conformity!

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words of support and advice today. You have given DH and I lots to think about. DH has been in charge of food today and hopefully it will be like this moving forward. We will definitely keep a close eye on things to see if we spot any patterns / need to seek medical attention. Thank you everyone 😊

Don't make a fuss. Offer the food and if she says no fine - she can have toast.

I do wonder if it's a loyalty to her mum thing. I know you say dad can't cook but could he not try? What would he be giving her if you weren't there? Even if he starts with oven food and veg or a stirfry? Worth a shot to see if it's you or the food.

Ah sorry missed this update. Hope it works out for you x

I think this is probably a means of getting attention. Usually I wouldn’t condone feeding kids ultra processed foods for every meal but I’d be tempted to hear.

I just wanted to say good luck and you sound like a great step mum. Keep reminding yourself not to take it personally that there's a confused little girl here stuck with parents in conflict. You're doing a great job, but this is a marathon not a sprint.

On a practical level I agree with getting her cooking with her Dad to see if that helps (even if that involves you doing loads of peeling and chopping and laying out ingredients to begin with). That you've started her cooking with you and enjoying it means you know you can do this. We're mostly out the far end now and DSD cooks way more with me than with her Dad, but her comfort foods are still "Dad dishes". Not just dishes he cooked when she was small (he didn't cook much then) but dishes he discovered recipes for online and adjusted to her tastes more recently.

How is she with salad veg? DSD is a lot older but even now if I use small cookie cutters to eg cut her pepper or cucumber into stars it makes her smile.

Dessert. How fussy is she? An apple and berry crumble with custard might not be a perfectly balanced meal, but it's not so far off for a fussy kid, and is easily made if you have frozen berries in the freezer. If she's light on fruit and veg would she have a banana split or strawberry sunday?

Oh, and ask her Dad what food she liked when very small. It turned out DSD had some odd food preferences as a toddler (alongside cookies and normal stuff) and reintroducing those was easier e.g. she liked parsnip puree then, she now likes parsnip fries. She hated pea puree, just give up on the peas now.

Remember to look after yourself, you sound like you're doing a great job.

To be honest (as people always say when they're going to be a bit brutal) if her parents can't get their acts together well enough to discuss how to look after her, I'm not surprised she's taking what control she can. Is there any way he can ensure a line of communication for practical things? Because I'm pretty sure this won't be properly resolved until he does.

Too much choice can be a bit overwhelming I think. I have family members who tie themselves in knots trying to get kids to eat, it's all, do you want this, or this , or this or this . 2 choices to pick from max, maybe 3 if you are having something else and cooking it anyway. It's like they have to make the decision on eating , maybe take that pressure off a bit, put foods out and keep quiet. Perhaps put food in middle and get her to put on plate what she is having , so she knows that's is how much she needs to eat, do it all a bit buffet style including fruit for lunches etc

I’d carry on the same approach which is exactly what I’d do with my own but I’m 6 years in and dsd is almost 15 it’s now worse than ever and there is literally nothing that I can cook/make and put on plate for her to eat. It’s got considerably worse since she’s had access to her own pocket money.

Her mum has now convinced her she has a eating disorder (AFRID) I’m not convinced as her mum loves drama (another thread entirely)

Me and DP have had arguments about it eg when he thought I hadn’t bought her her special food (which she had stopped eating) it took buying it and her refusing it in front of him to realise it wasn’t me and we now refuse to let it get between us.

I'm sorry it’s not more positive but I’ve realised there is nothing I can do to change her eating habits in the time we have her so I buy snacks I know she eats and try to choose friendly restaurants and leave it at that.

Yeah exactly. I bent over backwards because DSS’ diet was so horrific. But ultimately unless the parents commit to improving it whatever you do as SM won’t have any meaningful impact.

I sat with my sd and asked her for four dinners she would eat. And those four dinners were the only ones given during what was a difficult time. Wouldn't say it's solved eating issues but it made meal times bearable for everyone.

I was once in this situation and someone told me that the child could potentially feel disloyal eating the food you have prepared if it differs to what their mum produces. So they reject your food in a way of showing that they prefer their mum to you (of course they do) might be something to think about?

Does she get any vitamins at all from fruit? Or juice?