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Charmaine1234 · 2023-04-03T10:43:46+00:00

Ive been seeing a man for 9 months, ive an older child & younger child who is 5. We did him stopping for a cup of tea once a week for 6 months, and have started trying Sunday dinner or a walk etc, however she often refuses to accept him, only occasionally allowing him in, he tries so hard. At times she shouts, screams & refuses to be in the same room. Occasionally she will let him play with her. Its becoming very stressful

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IsthatfreedomIsee · 03/04/2023 12:24

I think you really need to listen to your child here and step back for a while. Give her some breathing space and gently try and find out why she is reacting the way that she is. How long have you been separated from her dad? Is she still struggling with the separation? Or have you been separated for a while and she's used to it just being the 3 of you? It can be hard for children to adjust. It's great that you've tried to do it slowly but it looks like you need to put at least some Temporary breaks on.
What is the long term plan with your partner? Are you planning on living together?
I'm a single mum to 2 kids, 7&4 and have been dating my boyfriend for around 8 months. We're not intending on living together for quite a while (years off even considering it). I don't think my eldest would cope right now. Consequently he's not met the kids yet. There's just no need. They know about him, but that's it. He may meet the kids later this year for half an hour in the evening before they go to bed so they know who he is. It works for us. Of course if you wanted to blend, then it's different but I suggest you think carefully about your timelines. Remember your daughter didn't choose for this man to be in her life. She also can't dictate who you see either of course but it may help if she feels she has more of a say over her home and time with you.

NewNameNigel · 03/04/2023 14:58

Shouting and screaming seems like quite an extreme reaction. I would be concerned about what was behind the behaviour.

custardbear · 03/04/2023 15:01

NewNameNigel · 03/04/2023 14:58

Shouting and screaming seems like quite an extreme reaction. I would be concerned about what was behind the behaviour.

Yes, me too! I think you need to take a massive step back and just see him in your own time, not hers

Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 19:36

IsthatfreedomIsee · 03/04/2023 12:24

I think you really need to listen to your child here and step back for a while. Give her some breathing space and gently try and find out why she is reacting the way that she is. How long have you been separated from her dad? Is she still struggling with the separation? Or have you been separated for a while and she's used to it just being the 3 of you? It can be hard for children to adjust. It's great that you've tried to do it slowly but it looks like you need to put at least some Temporary breaks on.
What is the long term plan with your partner? Are you planning on living together?
I'm a single mum to 2 kids, 7&4 and have been dating my boyfriend for around 8 months. We're not intending on living together for quite a while (years off even considering it). I don't think my eldest would cope right now. Consequently he's not met the kids yet. There's just no need. They know about him, but that's it. He may meet the kids later this year for half an hour in the evening before they go to bed so they know who he is. It works for us. Of course if you wanted to blend, then it's different but I suggest you think carefully about your timelines. Remember your daughter didn't choose for this man to be in her life. She also can't dictate who you see either of course but it may help if she feels she has more of a say over her home and time with you.

Seperated 3 years

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 19:37

custardbear · 03/04/2023 15:01

Yes, me too! I think you need to take a massive step back and just see him in your own time, not hers

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Its just difficult when we both work full time and this looks like it will be long term. Ive dated in past but they never met the kids

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thegrain · 03/04/2023 19:57

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 19:37

Its just difficult when we both work full time and this looks like it will be long term. Ive dated in past but they never met the kids

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Tough. You need to put your child first. If it's going to work put long term then he will understand.

thegrain · 03/04/2023 19:58

Also I swear kids can tell when an adult is desperate for them to like them.

Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 20:24

thegrain · 03/04/2023 19:58

Also I swear kids can tell when an adult is desperate for them to like them.

Maybe they can. But instead of buying things or treats etc we've tried playing fun games all together, a short walk in nature etc

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thegrain · 03/04/2023 20:27

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 20:24

Maybe they can. But instead of buying things or treats etc we've tried playing fun games all together, a short walk in nature etc

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Not on about treats. I mean like even the fun games might be too try hard. Your child might want to know that even when he's around he doesn't always have to be involved- it can still be you and them.

Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 20:30

thegrain · 03/04/2023 20:27

Not on about treats. I mean like even the fun games might be too try hard. Your child might want to know that even when he's around he doesn't always have to be involved- it can still be you and them.

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Fair point

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 20:33

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 19:36

Seperated 3 years

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Getting used to use this app lol. Yes its just been the 3 of us since the split. The long term plan is dependent on whether or not my daughter accepts him or not but we spoke about how it would be a few years before we'd be at a place to move in together because shes so young. But the long term plan is to blend. His kids are grown up but still live with him

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CalistoNoSolo · 04/04/2023 09:31

Just put your children first fgs. Why are you so desperate to force a stranger into your children's lives? You've been seeing this man for 8 months and you're talking long term already. Your children deserve to be heard, you're clearly not listening.

MeridianB · 04/04/2023 11:42

If my maths is correct you first introduced him after three months? That feels very soon to me.

Your approach - cup of tea once a week and building slowly, sounds really good. But I agree with others, if the increased time is not going down well with your children then I'd go back to the cup of tea. Or meet in the park playground with coffee for an hour, so it's on neutral territory.

If he's the right one then he will wait as long as it takes.

Has your older child shared any views or feelings about your BF?

AubadeIsIt · 04/04/2023 12:05

If a five year old shouted and screamed when a family friend came over to visit once a week, would PP recommend no longer inviting the friend over?

AubadeIsIt · 04/04/2023 12:06

CalistoNoSolo · 04/04/2023 09:31

Just put your children first fgs. Why are you so desperate to force a stranger into your children's lives? You've been seeing this man for 8 months and you're talking long term already. Your children deserve to be heard, you're clearly not listening.

Project much?

SemperIdem · 04/04/2023 13:18

CalistoNoSolo · 04/04/2023 09:31

Just put your children first fgs. Why are you so desperate to force a stranger into your children's lives? You've been seeing this man for 8 months and you're talking long term already. Your children deserve to be heard, you're clearly not listening.

Ridiculous overreach.

philautia · 04/04/2023 13:22

This sounds tough. Does she tell you what she doesn't like about him?

I'd say that if you both keep persisting with his presence and she doesn't like him, you've got no choice but to end it or keep your relationship and family totally separate. 9 months is nothing really and your children must always come first in my opinion.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 04/04/2023 13:32

AubadeIsIt · 04/04/2023 12:05

If a five year old shouted and screamed when a family friend came over to visit once a week, would PP recommend no longer inviting the friend over?

Exactly.

OP, can your child explain why they are reacting like this? I agree that this needs looked into and they need reassuring. I’m not on the MN bandwagon of introducing any man them before they are 18 or you’ve been dating a decade is BU though. I met my now DSD at 2, after six months of dating, married her Dad when she was 4. No issues. Time isn’t always a factor but reactions are so try to find out what’s causing these reactions and meet those needs.

Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 13:57

CalistoNoSolo · 04/04/2023 09:31

Just put your children first fgs. Why are you so desperate to force a stranger into your children's lives? You've been seeing this man for 8 months and you're talking long term already. Your children deserve to be heard, you're clearly not listening.

Im not forcing anything

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Meandfour · 04/04/2023 13:58

Charmaine1234 · 03/04/2023 19:37

Its just difficult when we both work full time and this looks like it will be long term. Ive dated in past but they never met the kids

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How on earth does it look long term when your child can’t even be in the same room as him?! Where are your priorities here? There is no way this can become a long term relationship until your daughter is comfortable.

Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 13:59

I just want to add....it was a misprint.....i started introducing him as a friend and still as a friend at 6 months which i think is not unreasonable, especially when its a serious relationship, even after 9 months and the longer term goal is blending!

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ASixPackAndTheRadio · 04/04/2023 14:04

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ASixPackAndTheRadio · 04/04/2023 14:06

Even 6 months, it’s no time at all to introduce kids, there’s just no need. Stop rushing it

Meandfour · 04/04/2023 14:08

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Likethestarsabove547 · 04/04/2023 14:11

Is there the potential your ex is feeding things to your child to fuel this reaction? If not I think I'd be having a breather from seeing him until you get to the bottom of the reaction