Page 2 | New partners

Charmaine1234 · 2023-04-03T10:43:46+00:00

Ive been seeing a man for 9 months, ive an older child & younger child who is 5. We did him stopping for a cup of tea once a week for 6 months, and have started trying Sunday dinner or a walk etc, however she often refuses to accept him, only occasionally allowing him in, he tries so hard. At times she shouts, screams & refuses to be in the same room. Occasionally she will let him play with her. Its becoming very stressful

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SeulementUneFois · 04/04/2023 14:16

AubadeIsIt · 04/04/2023 12:05

If a five year old shouted and screamed when a family friend came over to visit once a week, would PP recommend no longer inviting the friend over?

OP. You need to address this first.

Such a reaction is not acceptable behavior to anyone. Alternatively it's due to your ex badmouthing; or a MH issue but that's unlikely if she's not behaving like that to others.

WheelsUp · 04/04/2023 14:17

Is this her reaction when you have an adult friend round ? I'm wondering if she has a problem with your attention being diverted or the location being her home ? is she better if the adults chat and she does her own thing round the house ? Maybe she can smell the desperation ?
This is a very extreme reaction btw. I would stop thinking about blending etc pronto.

WheelsUp · 04/04/2023 14:19

SeulementUneFois · 04/04/2023 14:16

OP. You need to address this first.

Such a reaction is not acceptable behavior to anyone. Alternatively it's due to your ex badmouthing; or a MH issue but that's unlikely if she's not behaving like that to others.

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I've read posts on here about ND kids not even tolerating an emergency plumber in the house as it's their safe space.

Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 14:23

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Unhelpful.

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WheelsUp · 04/04/2023 14:23

Is your dd shy with strangers? (Yes, he's a stranger to her) Maybe it's not him, maybe it's all adults who speak to her?

LaDamaDeElche · 04/04/2023 14:37

When I introduced my DP to DD we used to do movie night which usually went down well and she was about the same age. It's not forced interaction, just sitting watching a film. You can cuddle up with her and he can just be there. My DD did become more clingy around me and went through a stage of being a bit aggressive and very boisterous with him, we didn't know at the time that she had ADHD, so was possibly to do with that. Anyway, eight years down the line and they have a good relationship - well, she's a teen, so they argue a bit, but she does with me too. He's probably a calming influence in our dynamic.

Make sure you give her lots of attention when you all spend time together and try to do child friendly things where there's an activity to distract the focus of attention being in just talking and interacting. Restaurants, walks and cups of tea not the best thing. Maybe try other things - going to a petting farm, watching a film, taking her to the park or another activity that she enjoys. Step by step. If the behaviour carries on or escalates it might be time to speak to a child psychologist in case it's anything deeper than you think.

Pawpatrollermum · 04/04/2023 14:44

Why don’t you meet somewhere that’s focused on her? Like soft play or the cinema? So she doesn’t need to engage really but is aware of his presence.

I think you’ve tried to do what you think is low key and best your her but really, she’s not going to be interested in hanging about with someone having a cup of tea. If that’s the case when we have friends over my kids take themselves off and do something more interesting. I think the key thing is just having him present during a fun activity that focused on her.

Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:19

MeridianB · 04/04/2023 11:42

If my maths is correct you first introduced him after three months? That feels very soon to me.

Your approach - cup of tea once a week and building slowly, sounds really good. But I agree with others, if the increased time is not going down well with your children then I'd go back to the cup of tea. Or meet in the park playground with coffee for an hour, so it's on neutral territory.

If he's the right one then he will wait as long as it takes.

Has your older child shared any views or feelings about your BF?

Thanks. My older child really likes himbut hes just a friend as far as the kids know

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:20

ASixPackAndTheRadio · 04/04/2023 14:06

Even 6 months, it’s no time at all to introduce kids, there’s just no need. Stop rushing it

As far as the kids know hes just a friend

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:21

Likethestarsabove547 · 04/04/2023 14:11

Is there the potential your ex is feeding things to your child to fuel this reaction? If not I think I'd be having a breather from seeing him until you get to the bottom of the reaction

Yeah im thinking that. My ex has a new partner and fully involved her very very early although my daughter likes her so i csnt complain

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:22

WheelsUp · 04/04/2023 14:19

I've read posts on here about ND kids not even tolerating an emergency plumber in the house as it's their safe space.

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Shes not a fan of friends or anybody visiting at times. Hes a friend as far as kids are concerned

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:23

WheelsUp · 04/04/2023 14:23

Is your dd shy with strangers? (Yes, he's a stranger to her) Maybe it's not him, maybe it's all adults who speak to her?

Yes she sometimes doesnt like friends visiting etc and to her he's just a friend

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:24

LaDamaDeElche · 04/04/2023 14:37

When I introduced my DP to DD we used to do movie night which usually went down well and she was about the same age. It's not forced interaction, just sitting watching a film. You can cuddle up with her and he can just be there. My DD did become more clingy around me and went through a stage of being a bit aggressive and very boisterous with him, we didn't know at the time that she had ADHD, so was possibly to do with that. Anyway, eight years down the line and they have a good relationship - well, she's a teen, so they argue a bit, but she does with me too. He's probably a calming influence in our dynamic.

Make sure you give her lots of attention when you all spend time together and try to do child friendly things where there's an activity to distract the focus of attention being in just talking and interacting. Restaurants, walks and cups of tea not the best thing. Maybe try other things - going to a petting farm, watching a film, taking her to the park or another activity that she enjoys. Step by step. If the behaviour carries on or escalates it might be time to speak to a child psychologist in case it's anything deeper than you think.

Thankyou for your input. Ive already contacted a therapist for kids therapist recommemdations. Shes funny around friends visiting and hes a friend as far as she knows. But good advice. Thankyou

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:25

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:19

Thanks. My older child really likes himbut hes just a friend as far as the kids know

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Ps i wrongly wrote. It was after 6 months

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:26

Pawpatrollermum · 04/04/2023 14:44

Why don’t you meet somewhere that’s focused on her? Like soft play or the cinema? So she doesn’t need to engage really but is aware of his presence.

I think you’ve tried to do what you think is low key and best your her but really, she’s not going to be interested in hanging about with someone having a cup of tea. If that’s the case when we have friends over my kids take themselves off and do something more interesting. I think the key thing is just having him present during a fun activity that focused on her.

Thankyou. Good advice

OP posts:

Likethestarsabove547 · 04/04/2023 15:28

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:21

Yeah im thinking that. My ex has a new partner and fully involved her very very early although my daughter likes her so i csnt complain

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I think you need to talk to her and see if she gives you any incling this could be the case.

I will say this though, kids are amazing judges of character and sometimes they are spot on about people when we can't see it ourselves. My DC was very off with a friend or mine years ago, they were nothing but nice to DC. This person turned out to a bit of a narcist and I thing DC picked up on this.

I'm not saying that's the case here I think it's more likely your ex feeding things and wanting to make sure he has his happy family blah blah with his new partner.

Do you think she might be more receptive if she knew he was more than a friend? I feel for you cause its so difficult to move on when you have kids from previous relationships as it is let alone when it isn't going smoothly

ASixPackAndTheRadio · 04/04/2023 15:30

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:20

As far as the kids know hes just a friend

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Kids aren’t stupid. There’s just no need to introduce them so early.

Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:44

Likethestarsabove547 · 04/04/2023 15:28

I think you need to talk to her and see if she gives you any incling this could be the case.

I will say this though, kids are amazing judges of character and sometimes they are spot on about people when we can't see it ourselves. My DC was very off with a friend or mine years ago, they were nothing but nice to DC. This person turned out to a bit of a narcist and I thing DC picked up on this.

I'm not saying that's the case here I think it's more likely your ex feeding things and wanting to make sure he has his happy family blah blah with his new partner.

Do you think she might be more receptive if she knew he was more than a friend? I feel for you cause its so difficult to move on when you have kids from previous relationships as it is let alone when it isn't going smoothly

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My older son is mad about him, im too nervous for her to think ive a boyfriend or that someone could take her attention which isnt the case. But it is very difficult

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:45

ASixPackAndTheRadio · 04/04/2023 15:30

Kids aren’t stupid. There’s just no need to introduce them so early.

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I disagree. I think 6 months of seeing soneone who is local and who i know isnt too soon to introduce as a friend

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 15:57

philautia · 04/04/2023 13:22

This sounds tough. Does she tell you what she doesn't like about him?

I'd say that if you both keep persisting with his presence and she doesn't like him, you've got no choice but to end it or keep your relationship and family totally separate. 9 months is nothing really and your children must always come first in my opinion.

She can't tell me what she doesnt like

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LaDamaDeElche · 04/04/2023 16:13

One thing I thought of that might get her to open up in a different way is something I used to do with DD at that age. She had a favourite teddy and when we had to talk about something difficult for her to express, the Teddy would talk to her and she'd answer him (obviously I'd be doing a funny Teddy voice lol). It was a really light, fun way of talking about emotional stuff that's quite "big" for a child of that age. It's maybe worth a try. You don't just have to focus on him, but how she feels with new people in general etc.

jemimapuddlepluck · 04/04/2023 16:14

I would ask him to call in a couple of times a week, for a short period of time. Maybe for tea one evening then a cuppa on a weekend. Same days, same time for a good few months so it's routine. Dont do any activities or force her to interact, just make it so he's there lol. Yes it's a commitment in itself but if you are both serious about each other it's a few months out of a lifetime.

Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 16:29

LaDamaDeElche · 04/04/2023 16:13

One thing I thought of that might get her to open up in a different way is something I used to do with DD at that age. She had a favourite teddy and when we had to talk about something difficult for her to express, the Teddy would talk to her and she'd answer him (obviously I'd be doing a funny Teddy voice lol). It was a really light, fun way of talking about emotional stuff that's quite "big" for a child of that age. It's maybe worth a try. You don't just have to focus on him, but how she feels with new people in general etc.

Thankyou thats a good idea to try

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Original poster

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 16:31

jemimapuddlepluck · 04/04/2023 16:14

I would ask him to call in a couple of times a week, for a short period of time. Maybe for tea one evening then a cuppa on a weekend. Same days, same time for a good few months so it's routine. Dont do any activities or force her to interact, just make it so he's there lol. Yes it's a commitment in itself but if you are both serious about each other it's a few months out of a lifetime.

Im so unsure about increasing frequency when once a week was an issue for her most of the time :( but the consistency and continuity is helpful, although we tried every Sunday for that reason also

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jemimapuddlepluck · 04/04/2023 16:50

Charmaine1234 · 04/04/2023 16:31

Im so unsure about increasing frequency when once a week was an issue for her most of the time :( but the consistency and continuity is helpful, although we tried every Sunday for that reason also

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A week is a long gap for a little one though. She needs the chance to get used to him been around. Perhaps stop the dinners and just have him round for a quick cuppa so she knows he won't be there for long. I agree that you waited a good amount of time to introduce him but its obvious this won't be a quick process. Little and often, routine and no forcing any interaction is the key here. She will come round OP. Good luck!