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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Help!

36 replies

EllieRay · 23/03/2023 20:01

There's lots of background as to why we are in this position but that's too much to go into.
But SD is 16 and decided a long time ago that she didn't want to be a part of DH's "other family"
Me and DH have been married for 12 years and we have 3 children together.
SD stopped seeing them when her and her mum moved abroad and we haven't seen her for the last 5 years.
They've recently moved back to the uk and SD has said she wants some sort of relationship with DH but doesn't want anything to do with me or his other children.
DH was so pleased that she wanted any contact that he has been seeing her for a few hours. He's seen her maybe 3 times in the last 6 months. So not loads of contact but they do speak via text message.
The trouble I'm having is DH is quite happy for th is to continue and has said he won't be pushing her to see any of us as he doesn't want to risk going no contact with her again. I can completely understand why he wants this but I've also been thinking what will happen in the future. If they form a relationship and as she gets older what if she gets married and has kids, is my DH going to be apart of this complete other life that me and our kids don't know anything about?
DH has said he will never turn his back on his daughter which I understand but he also won't do anything to push against her in the slightest. She has complete control of the situation. My opinion has never been important to anyone but I think this will really cause an issue later on in our marriage.
But then at the moment it is literally him seeing her for a coffee a couple of hours a month so there really isn't much to stop. I'm just worried about how it's all going to end up.
Apart from this we are a very happy settled family and I really don't want to cause upset when it's not needed. Should I just let them carry on or do you think DH should be insisting she sees us all or none at all?

OP posts:
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 23/03/2023 20:04

Not sure I would want such a madam around my dc anyway tbh. Leave them to it op. Imo make sure the spends he spends on her are his and not joint. Or your dc will be second fiddle to your joint cash...

Azandme · 23/03/2023 20:06

Let them carry on.

lunar1 · 23/03/2023 20:07

Leave them to it, you can't insist that it's all of you or none of you. Whatever the reason, she's his child and she's had a handful of hours after years.

If contacted between them increases then talk to him about it. I really wouldn't make him choose.

Lovemusic33 · 23/03/2023 20:11

I would just go with it. She’s 16, still very young, chances are as she gets older and has her own dc she will see things very differently.

excelledyourself · 23/03/2023 20:15

do you think DH should be insisting she sees us all or none at all?

No. Never.

Marblessolveeverything · 23/03/2023 20:16

This is my family dynamic I meet my father a couple of times a year but don't see nor want to meet his wife and children - not my family.

Full disclosure she was OW treated my mother horrendously and I won't lower myself to be in her company.

I am not a madam I am not obligated to meet anyone I don't want to.

Original poster
EllieRay · 23/03/2023 20:23

It's really interesting to get everyone's opinions on it. I think SD is really quite happy with the way things are. She has a Step dad and step brothers she loves with now and she very much feels they are her family which I understand as shes grown up with them.
I just think it's really sad for my kids who haven't had that choice. But I do feel like that's her loss because my kids have each other and don't really know they are missing out on anything.
I just never imagined we'd have such separation. I feel like me and DH share everything and so it's just really quite strange for him to spend time with someone that I don't even know!

OP posts:
Aftjbtibg · 23/03/2023 20:28

I wouldn’t jump through to worrying about the future when you don’t know how it will go and can’t do much about it. I would hope that as your SD gets older and more mature she would want to be part of her siblings lives and there’s a good chance of that as at 16 you don’t make the same choices you do at 21,25,30 etc.
I definitely don’t think he should be insisting as there’s only one way that will go. I also don’t think forcing her to see you all would be beneficial anyway

lunar1 · 23/03/2023 20:44

She will have been around 11 when they moved away, it's probably not that easy to contemplate the family her dad had while she couldn't see him. I imagine it's incredibly emotional for her.

Lovelyveg80 · 23/03/2023 21:00

Should I just let them carry on or do you think DH should be insisting she sees us all or none at all?

yes to q1
hell no q2

GlitteryGreen · 23/03/2023 21:00

I would leave them to it for the moment, but let your DH know that it's not a feasible position if contact ever does increase and he wants to be a proper part of her life.

Lovelyveg80 · 23/03/2023 21:01

When she moved abroad did she say she wanted nothing to do with him?

what did your dh do in response?

PMAmostofthetime · 23/03/2023 21:03

@EllieRay I think it's the right move at the moment- see if their relationship can be re-built and progress and then at that point consider others being part of it.

It's very early days and it could all end straight away- they need a relationship first.

MiddleParking · 23/03/2023 21:04

It’s fine to not want to share the background but it does sort of then make the question you’re posing meaningless.

AthenaPopodopolous · 23/03/2023 21:08

Just let them carry on meeting up. You can’t force her to have contact with you or even just the half-siblings. The root cause of this is probably jealousy of her father forming another family. She may never grow out of it. Shame really but it’s her problem to deal with, not yours or your childrens.

CombatBarbie · 23/03/2023 21:15

Hmmm had a very similar thing. DSD was quite happy at first then turned 15 and her reason was she couldn't leave her horse. Was about 5yrs with literally no contact unless for money requests.

I'm glad to say DH did put his foot down and we are all now a blended family. She does live far away but we make efforts to keep the physical bond and she adores her sisters.

But if she's happy with other step/half siblings I'd be nipping that in the bud. Maybe not quite all or nothing but def 50/50 minimum for alone time and blended family time.

BananaBlue · 23/03/2023 23:35

How often did DSD have contact before she moved with mum?

In the 5 years, 11-16 abroad did he have much contact with his child?

And now he has only seen her 3 times in 6 months and you want further time shared or cancelled?

It seems to me that DSD and dad need to get to know each other again, she might find it overwhelming to have to be with the full family when there’s been little/no relationship for at least 5 years if not longer.

Either way she’s made her boundaries and as it has such little bearing on your family (1 day every 2 months?) I’d let it slide tbh.

lookluv · 23/03/2023 23:46

So she was 4 when you came into her life and is now 16. Saw her DF and siblings until she moved abroad with her mother 5 years ago.

I think there is an awful lot going on behind the scenes here - let her re integrate into uk life and get to re know her father on both their terms.

I think you are judging her quite harshly when decisions were made by the adults in her life which meant either way -stay or go she got less contact with one of her parents.

Original poster
EllieRay · 24/03/2023 06:50

It’s hard to fit in all the background here. Her mum is very toxic and always has been. When me and DH first got together it was really good with SD, too good almost because her mum hated it and honestly I think that’s why they moved away. She has family there so wasn’t completely random but still.

SD had got to the point of every other weekend at that point but it had started to drop to not wanting to stay and just doing day visits etc.

When they first moved she was happy for DH to visit so they spent a bit of time together just them then and I think she preferred it. I’ve always got on well with SD but she’s really stuggled when I got pregnant and we didn’t get to have the proper chance of bonding the kids because she was away. It’s all a really rubbish set of circumstances.

She stopped wanting DH to visit around the time her mum got re married but they’ve always kept in contact on the phone. Obviously we had covid during all this too so there was a massive chunk of time they physically couldn’t see each other anyway!

I don’t want DH to stop seeing her, I just thought if we DH puts his foot down and says no I want you to see us all she might eventually come round to it because leaving her to come round by her own she hasn’t done for years and I can’t see that changing anytime soon. I know when she’s an adult she might see things differently but it’s sad to miss out on all that time knowing someone.

I just wish we could persuade her round, but I will take the advice and leave them to build their relationship back up and see what happens!

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 24/03/2023 07:55

I think that's the best thing to do. It's not causing any issues at the moment so I'd leave it be

Lovelyveg80 · 24/03/2023 07:58

How long ago did she move abroad?

Nimbostratus100 · 24/03/2023 08:01

I agree, best just to let her get on with seeing her Dad on her own

Alishaattic · 24/03/2023 08:40

Even if you did insist, you actually can't force her. I get so sick of step parent threads where step or potential step parents try to force a relationship. You cannot force anyone to do anything OP.

In addition, your DH has missed out on 5 years of her life not through his own choice. Leave them to it, it may develop organically.. It may not, but don't force her to accept you and your shared kids as her family.

aSofaNearYou · 24/03/2023 08:49

I would just count yourself lucky you don't have to deal with it and your kids aren't on the receiving end of strange, bitter messages from her tbh. Let him crack on.

KeeperSweeper · 24/03/2023 09:17

I don't think there is much for you to do here.

I also think it's sensible for DH to build that relationship gradually. You wouldn't want SD in and out of the kid's lives that would be much more destructive.

I think if I were your DH I would continue this but eventually start inviting SD to family events.

Her mum moved her really far away, that's not an 11 year old being difficult she had pretty much no choice to be a close member of your family unit.

I don't think you should dwell on DH spending a couple of hours a month on a 'stranger'. She's not a stranger, she's a teenager who has been separated from her dad for years through no choice of her own.

If she feels more comfortable seeing DH alone to catch up, so be it!

I'd just probably start including gradually down the line. Or at least offering.