Help!

[EllieRay]

There's lots of background as to why we are in this position but that's too much to go into.
But SD is 16 and decided a long time ago that she didn't want to be a part of DH's "other family"
Me and DH have been married for 12 years and we have 3 children together.
SD stopped seeing them when her and her mum moved abroad and we haven't seen her for the last 5 years.
They've recently moved back to the uk and SD has said she wants some sort of relationship with DH but doesn't want anything to do with me or his other children.
DH was so pleased that she wanted any contact that he has been seeing her for a few hours. He's seen her maybe 3 times in the last 6 months. So not loads of contact but they do speak via text message.
The trouble I'm having is DH is quite happy for th is to continue and has said he won't be pushing her to see any of us as he doesn't want to risk going no contact with her again. I can completely understand why he wants this but I've also been thinking what will happen in the future. If they form a relationship and as she gets older what if she gets married and has kids, is my DH going to be apart of this complete other life that me and our kids don't know anything about?
DH has said he will never turn his back on his daughter which I understand but he also won't do anything to push against her in the slightest. She has complete control of the situation. My opinion has never been important to anyone but I think this will really cause an issue later on in our marriage.
But then at the moment it is literally him seeing her for a coffee a couple of hours a month so there really isn't much to stop. I'm just worried about how it's all going to end up.
Apart from this we are a very happy settled family and I really don't want to cause upset when it's not needed. Should I just let them carry on or do you think DH should be insisting she sees us all or none at all?

Exactly this. I was just about to say I suspect there may be loyalty bind to Mum for her to accept one step parents/half siblings but reject another... and then I saw you update more or less confirming this. The disparity in how each 'other' family is treated is probably embedded in her relationship with her mum - loyalty etc. I would just go with it for now. As long as there is nothing toxic happening I would ride it out. If it's genuine their relationship will grow and if there's an ulterior motive it will Peter out.

She was only 11 when they moved. Did your husband try to block it? Negotiate custody and visits? It was his responsibility to ensure the relationship continued, not hers. If he didn't bother, can't blame her for not wanting to play happy families with a bunch of strangers.

I would be happy to stay out of it. You don't need that around your kids either. If they ask in future then just tell them the truth, they can handle it.

I’d make sure she knows she’s always welcome to things like weekend holiday breaks or theme park days or Sunday lunches with the family and maybe she’ll take you up on it at some point.

If it was taking up a lot of your husband’s time (if she was insisting he sees her alone for all of every Saturday for instance) then I can see the rationale of insisting she joins the family, but at one coffee every two months, I’d leave it.

Maybe get the kids to draw her a family picture with her in, or make her a friendship bracelet or something for your husband to take next time.

She’s 16
Shes moved countries twice, having only recently returned to the UK having had very very limited communication with her father for years
Meanwhile her father has had 4 children

Cut her some slack. That would be pretty overwhelming for anyone let all one a teenager re adjusting to another international move

This. Maybe if he'd fought a bit harder for her when she was 11 things wouldn't be so fraught now.

She doesn't want to know you or your children; that's her right. Making her (fragile, difficult) relationship with her father conditional on accepting you would be totally unreasonable.

You say you and DH "share everything" and you feel uncomfortable with him having a relationship with someone you don't know - even when that someone is his daughter. That in itself is rather dyfunctional, and very much a "you problem". It's not at all uncommon when families break up and new families are formed for some relationships to happen separately; I think you will need to get used to it.

And the fact that the Op even remotely considered that “insisting” on her presence at their meetings speaks volumes

This! Your DH went on and had three more children instead of parenting the one he already had. You really can’t now start complaining that he needs to finally spend some time getting to know her and putting her needs first.

Let them get on with it OP. I see why it’s bothered you but equally she sounds like a bit of a mare. Let her have time alone with her Dad. I wouldn’t want someone like that around my children (or me!) anyway.

Should I just let them carry on or do you think DH should be insisting she sees us all or none at all?

Insisting that she sees you would just make for an unpleasant experience for everyone. It's not like she'd be nice to you is it? Don't create a rod for everyone's back!

She's 16, practically an adult. The time to create a bended family has passed.

It is strange and hard but honestly try to imagine not seeing one of your children for that long...I'd let them crack on. She doesn't want a relationship with her half-siblings and that's ok. It stinks but it's ok. It's easy to project forward to a wedding or something like that but far too much emphasis is put on single events of days. Your DH has another child and a history that is his and his alone. Support him in building whatever relationship he can. He didn't get a prohibitive steps order so on some level he thought this was the best way forward.